To feel sorry for children always late for school

[Shootingstar1115]

I’m probably going to get slammed for this. I know parenting is hard and sometimes we all run a little late at times.

As a child I was always late for school. DM was absolutely terrible in the mornings. Wouldn’t get up early, we would never be given breakfast (usually biscuits or crisps in the car on the way). I hated walking in late every day. I never got used to it. Felt like all eyes were on me and the teachers would get annoyed. I wasn’t able to walk as the school was quite far away. I still very much like this now. It’s turned me into an extremely punctual person.

Every day after taking DS to school and DD over to the pre school I see the same parents walking towards the school by this point 15 minutes after it first started and they aren’t rushing either.

We live in a village where most people live no further than a 5 minute walk away from the school. It’s a small place and most people walk (other than the few who live in the surrounding areas).

I just feel sorry for the kids being ushered in so late in the morning. It’s the same parents every single day!! It reminds me of my childhood and now being late every day made me extremely anxious. Even at secondary school I’d be late every day. I didn’t live far enough away to get a bus in but it was too far to walk. I’d be sat in the car resdy waiting for DM to get in the car.

The school have sent home letters and everything about it.

Do some people just not give a crap??

People shouldn't judge unless they know the circumstances.

DD1 was diagnosed with epilepsy in y2 and it took 6 months to get under control, often she would have regular minor seizures where she would briefly lose consciousness which meant both DD1 and DD2 would be late.

Because I had to ensure the safety and health of DD1, there was no fucking way I was going to risk her having a seizure on say a concrete footpath. If that meant they were late, so be it. I was lucky in that often a neighbouring parent could take DD2 to school.

I have two DC with SEN and we are never late. It hasn't always been like that, though. I used to be chronically late for everything. School in the morning, college, work, visiting friends... I was terrible. Then once I missed a little play that my DS was in at nursery. It was only 10 mins long, so as I was 10 mins late, I missed it. I saw another mum there and asked when it was due to start, and she said, "You've missed it." I have never felt so ashamed in my life.

I decided there and then I would never be late again and I never have. I am that obsessed with being on time, that I arrive at school an hour early, so that I am not frantically driving around trying to find parking when the DC come out. I just sit there and leisurely work on my laptop.

People judge you when you are late. It suggests you are flaky. It also doesn't make you feel good about yourself. And it is stressful for children to arrive late at school.

The funny thing is, my mum was always late for everything. She said she was late for work every day for 35 years . When she saw how being punctual was reducing the stress in my life, she decided to change as well. So now she is never late either!

So you can change. If you want to.

My mum was the same OP. She was late everywhere and I have terrible anxiety about being on time now.
I recall so many times hanging round the playground completely alone (no after school
Clubs, teachers all long gone) waiting for her, imagining the worst.

As a result, since both DC went to nursery fulll time since 10m old (now 10 and 7) we have only been late once, when my car had a flat tyre.

I feel so sorry for those consistently late and will never understand how adults cannot simply get up earlier! At one point I had to drop DD to school, get DS to nursery with washable nappies and bottles made up and DH was away and I regularly got put of the house by 8.

YaNBU

Everyday at my child's school the same parents are slowly walking down the street 10/15 mins late... and to make matters worse they live in the same street as the school!!!

I completely agree with you. I'm a primary school teacher and the children who always arrive late are definitely negatively impacted by it.

My son has autism as well and it’s because of that we have to make sure he gets to school on time. Being late would upset his whole routine for the day and would make him extremely distressed

This is us exactly. Ds3 has to sit in the car for 10 mins “choosing” the right moment to go in. He won’t go in if one of the busses has just arrived as there are too many people. Fortunately this has only made him late once which he was really upset about so he’s very careful not to leave it to long now.

Today I physically carried my kicking and screaming 5 year old over my shoulder to school whilst dealing with a screaming toddler, we were 5 minutes late after register close. Not the first time, not gonna be the last. No fucks given. They want him on time, they can try get him ready and out the house. We started getting ready at 6am. It took 20 minutes to get boxers, trousers and socks on him. But you know what? Atleast he's at school.

AravisQueenOfArchenland

That sounds very frustrating and you’re trying hard. Have you tried a tougher approach - tell him what time you’re leaving, remind him once about getting dressed and if he’s not ready he will just have to go as he is. If he’s still in his PJs tough he has to go. If he can’t find his shoes, tough he has to go. (You could put his clothes or shoes in a bag to change into when he gets to school) Obviously not ideal but it seems like you’ve tried other ways and are still struggling. Have you spoken to the school?

We have only been properly late twice in two years. The first time, my younger son had got hold of my keys while I was getting DS1 ready and by the time I'd found them (hanging off the brakes of DS1's bike in the garage - where else!) we were a good ten minutes late. But that was a freakish occurrence!

The other time, DS1 who has ASD, suddenly decided as we were leaving that we simply had to go in the car. We take the car once a week (Monday) when I have to go on to work, but the rest of the week, we walk so why this Friday morning he suddenly decided we had to take the car, I don't know. He had a full meltdown in the street, and by the time I'd managed to get him calm enough (after he'd headbutted the pavement before I could get to him and burst blood vessels in his forehead) we were really late. I took him in (in the fucking car), straight to the nurse to check his head, then got a call an hour later asking me to pick him up and take him to the walk in centre as they were worried about the swelling on his head. Spent 3 hours waiting, only to be judged as a terrible mother by the doctor for allowing it to happen, and then got a ticket for overstaying my ticket in the car park.

So while I take your point about persistent lateness, sometimes we are late for perfectly good reasons. And I've no doubt that you would have all judged me as a terrible mother, rocking up 20 minutes late with a screaming child with a huge mark on his head. But as ever - you don't know what someone is going through.

Agree completely, it starts the same time every day, they need to leave earlier. I see the same late ones every morning as well. Our infants school has started doing a phased drop off between 8.40-8.55 but they’re still coming later than that. I’m one of 4 and we were late every morning, I absolutely hated it, felt so humiliated and embarrassed turning up late.

I'm demented at the minute trying to get ds 9 to school on time atm. He goes so slow in the mornings, and I either have to stand over him while he does everything, or it's like he just stands there picking his nose/daydreaming?

DS was like that -- we did a printed laminated check list and did regular it's x time have you - reel off list - and do that throughout morning. Remind him what he was supposed to be doing.

There were many stressful mornings - I'd aim to leave ten minutes earlier than we needed but was still stressful many morning rushing in. They got up early he'd just waste the time day dreaming. School run is now noticeable calmer with no DS now.

I thought it would continue forever but few weeks of secondary and he's happier generally and able to get himself ready with little to no prompting. I think those years of running through list has stuck and now he works though it himself. He also leaves earlier has a phone to get distracted with yet manages everything much better.

We started getting ready at 6am I've had to learn with DH that asking him to get up earlier is completely counterproductive. It's weird. I'll say we need x amount of time to get things done, he'll agree and alarm will be set for an earlier time. He either just ignores it, or goes into super slow mode and doesn't do a thing until we hit his usual time. Incredibly frustrating and it means I'm going to have a tough few months when we need to move the routine forward a bit next year as DD starts school as well.

I feel sorry for the children and of course, those parents who simply don't care are annoying. But I suspect a lot of families who are consistently late have much deeper issues at play. DS' best friend is late most days. Part of me is frustrated - his mum knows perfectly well that they're almost always late so why doesn't she "get up 10 minutes earlier"? But I also know she's a single mum with zero financial or practical help from her ex and that it's everything she can manage just to get three DC up, sorted, dressed, to school, back from school, homework, fed, bathed and into bed while still attempting to hold down a job and earn enough to pay for things.

My son is late most days. We stroll into school when he is ready and I see parents judging us.

DS has SEN, he has school anxiety and also a medical condition for which he takes numerous immune suppressants. He really struggles to wake up in the mornings, before he developed his medical condition this was never an issue and we were always on time.
His school say it’s okay. I was rushing him in in the mornings, his was then highly anxious when he got to school and took a couple of hours to calm down. School have said they would prefer him to be late as that has less impact on his learning (and the whole class) than being really stressed because he was forced out of bed before having a chance to compose himself.

Yup, every day I walk passed the same parents as I'm leaving, they literally live a few houses down. It's always the same parents signing their kids into the school office too.

I really don't think anyone is judging people whose children have special needs or medical conditions or people who are late once in a blue moon.

There's a difference between being late because your child is struggling, and being late because the parents themselves are habitually late. Being late every day because your parents are just disorganised and it's not your fault, must be miserable.

We're often late because my DD has massive anxiety about school and has major meltdowns and refuses to go. I've tried everything, got up extra early, we have lots of strategies and support, but if it's a bad day there's nothing I can do to avoid being late. Luckily school understand.

However there is a child at school who's always late and her mum is always late to pick her up, suggesting it's the mum's issue. I know there may still be reasons for it but that must be hard on the child.

Thanks all. I think there’s a massive difference between a parent who tries to get their children to school on time but cannot for whatever reason and parents who just run late, don’t really care and just stroll in like it doesn’t matter.

I don't doubt some people just aren't that fussed but why not just give people the benefit of the doubt and go on with your day without judging them? You never know enough about someone else's life to arbitrate to whether they have a good enough excuse or not. And as the parent of an autistic child do you not know how it feels to be unfairly judged by relative strangers who don't know the back story? If you are going to sit in judgement on others like this, I hope you take it on the chin next time someone wrongly judges you when they assume your child is just naughty/rude/undisciplined.

For the record, when we are late because DS is having a huge meltdown or school refusing again, I will be using every ounce of my acting skills to be channelling calm and leisurely, because that is what my DS needs.

Do some people just not give a crap??

Now that you're an adult and a parent, I'd like to think you have some insight into how challenging it can be to parent?

My mom stopped getting up to take us to school when I turned 7 years old. I was in charge of getting myself and my two younger sisters up, washed, dressed and eat breakfast and to school. We were never late but I resented her for years and assumed she didn't care and was lazy.

I now realise that my mother was suffering from depression (possibly undiagnosed pnd) and also grieving for two of my siblings that had died aged 12months and 14months old. My mom loved us, we were never hungry the house was warm and we had clean clothes.

There's always a story behind kids being absent or late for school.

YABU

The child my dc is friends with who was always late is now on time everyday now they are old enough to walk to school by themselves. I think that speaks volumes.

There's one woman at my school who always rushes past us with several children as I am walking to work from drop off. She has another child who goes to a day centre and has to be collected by the access bus before she can start the school run. It's not always as simple as not giving a flying one about your children's education.

I was always late in the last year of primary school, all of my friends left to either boarding school or moved to the countryside, then the teacher went on maternity and we ended up with an old dragon of a teacher who idolized a new girl. This girl was a bully who decided to make my life miserable. I started to be "sick" a lot and on days I went, I would be late. I didn't care about being late, I loved going to the office or even the headmaster, I preferred that than face the classroom.
So sometimes it's not the parent. She got me up an hour earlier, made flashcards and even called the NSPCC on herself before she did something dumb. She was at the end of her rope.
I was seldom late at secondary school and I'm punctual now.

I would imagine that there could be all sorts of reasons why someone is persistently late, not all of them apparent to a casual observer.