To feel sorry for children always late for school

[Shootingstar1115]

I’m probably going to get slammed for this. I know parenting is hard and sometimes we all run a little late at times.

As a child I was always late for school. DM was absolutely terrible in the mornings. Wouldn’t get up early, we would never be given breakfast (usually biscuits or crisps in the car on the way). I hated walking in late every day. I never got used to it. Felt like all eyes were on me and the teachers would get annoyed. I wasn’t able to walk as the school was quite far away. I still very much like this now. It’s turned me into an extremely punctual person.

Every day after taking DS to school and DD over to the pre school I see the same parents walking towards the school by this point 15 minutes after it first started and they aren’t rushing either.

We live in a village where most people live no further than a 5 minute walk away from the school. It’s a small place and most people walk (other than the few who live in the surrounding areas).

I just feel sorry for the kids being ushered in so late in the morning. It’s the same parents every single day!! It reminds me of my childhood and now being late every day made me extremely anxious. Even at secondary school I’d be late every day. I didn’t live far enough away to get a bus in but it was too far to walk. I’d be sat in the car resdy waiting for DM to get in the car.

The school have sent home letters and everything about it.

Do some people just not give a crap??

Most of the being-late brigade has no excuse. Of course get up 5 or 10 minutes earlier! If you are late EVERY SINGLE DAY by 10 minutes, you can just shift the time you leave the house! It's not that difficult

Just doesn't work like that if you have ADHD. Could get up an hour earlier and still manage to be 10 minutes late, somehow.

Well I certainly don't believe all children who are late for school have sn...many just have useless parents,

So we just judge everyone do we? Best to assume someone's useless rather than give them the benefit of the doubt? Because struggling families, social issues, mental health difficulties are so vanishingly rare in our society?

No one is saying they all do have SEN. (My DD2 doesn't actually.) But probably a fair percentage do. Please be careful about judging. You have no idea what's going on in their lives.

YANBU I feel super sorry for the persistent late arrivers. Same families at our school too. I have 3 including a 2 year old and am the least organised person ever. I’ve had to train/force myself to have a routine to get us all out by 7:10 in the morning. It is doable.

Enough with the "giving everybody the benefit of the doubt". We all know some parents don't care, we all know some parents have a really shitty attitude towards schools and the teachers.

It's the kids we feel sorry for, and yes, judge the parents who can't be bothered to help them out.

It's pretty shocking to assume that all bad behaviour is down to SEN and mental issues, it's really insulting to all the parents who genuinely deal with these issues and still manage to be on time but are always given a label they don't deserve.

Do people really picture families who arrive on time having angelic children who get ready by themselves and are waiting nicely at the door to be taken to school?
Seriously, give us a break.

Why not give the benefit of the doubt?
Unless you personally know all about what's going on in a family surely that's all you can do.

So we just judge everyone do we?

It's irrelevant. If I see you rocking up late, I'm not going to be throwing rotten eggs at you or lecturing you. I accept some people have genuine reasons and some parents are just crap. I judge the crap ones despite not knowing which individual is which.

Health reasons are different and totally acceptable.
There are those who don't give a shit, there is groups of DC from certain a culture who are always late to the local school, walking slowly with their hot chicken roll and can of red bull at 9.30am.

Slightly missing the point of the thread but I used to love being late for school. It meant I didn't have to go into assembly (which I hated) and we (the late comers) were put in a side room to read a book or chat quietly. My best friend and I had a pact that we would always both be late so we could chat and play together instead of going into assembly. I never felt judged. On the other hand, now I'm the mad, stressed mother trying to get my own children out of the house every morning I feel so sorry for my own mother, it must have been awful for her getting me up and out when I was deliberately sabotaging the process!

I was the late child too.

I was late for my first day of secondary school.

The reason I was late was my brother. I would be ready, dressed, coat on and bag packed.

My brother would be finishing homework or looking for a shoe.

I blame my parents though. I had to be at school at the other side of town 15 mins before my brother needed to be in school. His school was 15 mins walk.

Not once did my parents make him walk. Oh and I wasn't allowed to catch the bus either.

Again, no one is saying that all late comers have SEN. But I'll wager a lot do, or the parents have their own health problems.

Personally, I wouldn't use my own MH issues as an excuse (complex PTSD as a result of childhood SA). I chose to adopt my DDs, therefore my own difficulties are not an excuse.

But the issues that DD1 has make it very difficult. She refuses to go to bed, she's often still up as late as 11pm as she can't settle down. She has violent meltdowns where she lashes out at me (she's hit me, kicked me, stamped on my feet and once tried to hit me with a rounders bat. She'll also throw anything that's to hand and trash a room.

We do the best we can, but unfortunately we don't always manage to get our DDs to school on time.

@sashh I'm sorry for what you had to cope with as a child. DD2 is like that. She's just about always ready on time, wanting to go into school with her friends.

DD and I are almost always late everywhere. It doesn't matter what time the activity is or when we begin getting ready really...well actually it helps a little if we don't start prep to leave too early, but it doesn't make a lot of difference.

We avoid timed start activities and only really do a few a week. For one of those we are ALWAYS 10 mins late going in. It got moved an hour earlier for one week recently...we were exactly the same amount late as we always are, just an hour earlier.

We manage to be late for two activities that follow on from each other in next door rooms on a weekly basis.

All this is down to DD's anxiety. She just can't make herself go in the room for 5-10 mins, or she just HAS to go for a wee etc.

I like to hope that the fact we are the same amount late for an activity that is in the room next door and and activity we've travelled 20 miles to attend makes people realise it has nothing to do with laziness or disorganisation...but I bet in reality people just judge the fuck out of us.

@wigglyspots I didn't mean to sound judgemental of other parents with health issues. It must be hard when both of you have health issues, things sound very difficult for you.

Most of the kids that had social services involvement when I was growing up, arrived to school early or on time. They were often filthy, unwashed clothes, hair in a mess, having not eaten, and it was an obvious sign that the kids were rushed out of bed. The ones who were regularly late were the Indian and Pakistani kids where parents often had 4-6 kids to get ready / organise school runs for, extended families to cook breakfast from scratch for etc etc. The Indian and Pakistani kids (myself included) were consistantly late in primary and secondary school, often had the most detentions, and yet also had the highest exam results out of everyone.

My dd was late a fair few times because she has no sense of urgency about her. No matter what time she went to bed, whenever i said "time to get up" she heard "another half hour in bed"

Shes at secondary now and if shes late its her own fault and any detetions are deserved.

My son was always late when at mainstream. He was much happier arriving when the crowds had gone. Sometimes we were even later because he had had a meltdown and wasn't safe to move anywhere.

YANBU - my sister is always late, so of course her children were always late for school. No problem for the older one, who is very chill and now an easy going late adult. But I remember being so sad for the younger lad when at about 7 or 8 he asked for a watch for xmas because he wanted to get to school on time (good luck with that relying on my sister to get you there ). Poor wee lad always had stomach problems and anxieties around school. It isn't fair to inflict your flakiness on your kids, but late people tend to be be quite self centred in general.

"it's really insulting to all the parents who genuinely deal with these issues and still manage to be on time"

Isn't this comment insulting to all the parents who genuinely deal with these issues and are not on time. It's like saying just try harder and your children will behave differently. Life doesn't work like that.

Our school are very supportive of children with anxiety, autism or any other issue that makes the start of the school day overwhelming for them. They are permitted to enter the school grounds later, after the initial bell has gone and the chaos in the corridors has calmed down. It helps the children hugely. My friend's DS is autistic and they are always 'late' as part of this arrangement and she 'strolls' calmly in without rushing in order to further help him with the stress that awaits. No other parents are aware that her cute and high achieving DS is autistic and struggles so much with this element of his day. The school don't openly communicate to other parents about who comes in late and why and she chooses not to either, for fear of her son being judged. How sad that she is the one being judged by other mums, just for helping her son.

All threads like this one do is highlight the utter inability some MN users have to imagine life circumstances different to their own. Formerbabe, your offering your tantrumming toddler as comparison to someone with serious social issues is quite frankly laughable. You judge away, because it is blindingly obvious that you are completely clueless about the issues facing some parents. Your attitude says way more about you than it does about anyone else.

I was late for everything as a child. School, parties, got locked in the park once and had to be lifted over the fence, had a panic attack because the car park shut at 5 and I knew my mum would never get us back for that time and we’d be locked in...

I started walking myself to school when I was 9 which isn’t unusual for most children on mn but we are in London where it’s not really the norm. I just couldn’t handle the lateness, I’d arrive at school crying. Mum was just pleased she didn’t have to wake up to take me.

I think unless you’ve been that child getting in trouble or missing out because of something your parent failed to do, it’s very hard to understand.

So..,you have children with additional needs, you understand how hard that is, and yet instead of attempting to lift up and support families like yours and mine you instead try to make the rest of us who struggle in the morning due to demand avoidance, violence, meltdowns etc, feel shit because we don't always manage to make it to school on time...nice.

I used to run the village playgroup, and we had 2 mums who were persistently late. We tried gently reminding them that we started with circle time and having people come in late was disruptive and distracted the other kids but nope, still late. In the end it got so bad that we gave up with circle time that 28 other parents managed to get their kids there on time for, and did it after snack but it was done with gritted teeth.

It's such a bad message to send to your kids, and very upsetting for them. I'd call it bad parenting.

.The ones who were regularly late were the Indian and Pakistani kids where parents often had 4-6 kids to get ready / organise school runs for, extended families to cook breakfast from scratch for etc etc. The Indian and Pakistani kids (myself included) were consistantly late in primary and secondary school, often had the most detentions, and yet also had the highest exam results out of everyone
It is a very good example of latest, not all lateness is due to neglect or SEN.
As far as the highest results go, it is still the same. DD has a few friends from India and Pakistan they are way above the others in their class academicly.
The serial late ones are usually older DC who get themselves out.