Not telling dp about dd's periods

[Loveatthefiveanddime]

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree on that point then.

If my DD asked me not to tell her Dad that she'd started her periods, I'd tell he that I respect her choice, but would rather she allowed me to tell him. I don't like secrets in the home, but if she were insistent then of course I wouldn't tell him.

She's Y6 now and has a male teacher. And is about to go on a residential trip. She and I have chatted about what she would do if her period started and she needed something. She's told me that she's comfortable in asking her male teacher for help.

I don't have the words to explain my attitude to this, for the same reason that I can't understand feminist theory. But... to me it's a female thing, something we share, something that men have no part in, and now we're all pressured to include them in yet another fucking part of a girl-child's life. Fuck off. This isn't coming from an "I'm ashamed of my body" place, it's coming from a "fuck off and let women have something for themselves" place.

Shove shove shove, be nice, be inclusive, it's mean to exclude, men need to know exactly what's happening with women's reproductive organs at every stage of a female's existence. No, fuck off to the far side of fuck. Maybe YOU are the ones who don't have boundaries.

Rant over.

Young girls aren't a teaching opportunity for men and boys.

I didn't want my dad and brothers to know, not because I was ashamed or embarrassed, but simply because it was none of their business. Only women menstruate and it's perfectly acceptable to let girls exclude men from the process. If men lack knowledge or sympathy or understanding, take that up with them. Women and girls are allowed to have shared experiences that men are excluded from.

That's not unfair, it's simply biology.

First of all I cannot imagine my DH would be interested (assuming no issues arising from it). I'll mention it's happened and that'll be the end of his involvement. If DD asked me not to, I probably still would, as I trust him as a good father to handle sensitive information discreetly, plus it's not something he'd be looking to discuss with her anyway. It would be an FYI about our child's health, nothing more or less.

Cross posted with Juells who expressed the sentiment much better !

It's a normal bodily function and you by letting her think otherwise would just be fueling the problem of society treating it like a dirty little secret.

Having a shit is a normal bodily function but I don't discuss that with my dad either. I do agree that girls and women should not be embarrassed by their periods. But that doesn't make their menstrual history public property. They have a right to privacy. All I hear in the OP is a lot about how the man would feel in this scenario, and nothing about how the girl might feel.

Sex-based as in a biological process experienced by the female sex is not the same as sex as in sexual. It is so unhealthy to conflate the two, which is what a lot of the people on this thread are doing when they insinuate that it is somehow creepy for a father to know his daughter had started her period.

A period is not the same as a wet dream. I know this. You know this. Let’s not pretend we are idiots for the sake of trying to score a point.

I am absolutely certain that the women insisting that fathers shouldn’t be told would feel very differently if a girl was asking her dad to keep it a secret from her mum, and if you discovered one day that your child had started her periods and was desperately trying to keep it from you, you would think you ought to have been told so that you could help and support her as needed.

@DogbertDogglesworth

I could well imagine my own daughter saying the exact same thing! Independent confident lady! ❤️ Hope she doesnt change x

Depends on how you live
We are an open family and dd would never have thought to not mention it. She has always been bad with pains and been on medication since she was young. Her moods also. It was dire when we both were on the same cycle .
Dh does the shopping so also would know. We also tend to tell each other most things.

Belenus
Having a shit is a normal bodily function but I don't discuss that with my dad either.

You probably do though. And you probably did growing up if you think about normal conversation in a home. That's the point. People keep bringing up the poo thing but people talk about toilets and excretion all the time in a family home.

when they insinuate that it is somehow creepy for a father to know his daughter had started her period.

Did somebody say that? I thought the creepy remarks (I made one too) was about the young man in the OP. He doesn't even have a daughter yet, but is already being affronted at the idea that he would be 'excluded' by not knowing everything about her menstrual cycle. That's about control, the inability to accept that females have the right to privacy and a life that is separate from males.

But... to me it's a female thing, something we share, something that men have no part in

@Juells and what about people like me who had no mother to share it with, or girls who grow up with two fathers?

Men live alongside women, therefore should know about things that affect them.

I feel like a huge part of feminism was fighting for men to acknowledge and better understand and incorporate women's needs into our lives and societies, yet suddenly any man who might want to know something about his daughter's reproductive system is a Gilead creep and men need to back off our periods. Jeez.

Privacy is all very well until a father is worried that his daughter is curled up on the floor, has thrown up and is clearly in a lot of pain, but won't tell him why.

Does he have to phone for an ambulance before she tells - or does he know in advance she's started her periods and then knows she isn't imminently going to expire, so bring in a hot water bottle and some chocolate for her?

Or don't fathers ever have sole care of their teenage daughters?

Mmm. I can see why a DD wouldn't want a dad knowing straight away. Surely all in good time, right?

I asked my dm not to tell df, not because it was shameful. But because I wanted to get used to it first without him asking further questions or getting over excited like dm did. It was very strange to bleed, even though I knew it was coming for a while, it was still surprising. I knew I had to tell dm as I needed pads and confirmation. I knew what it was but still, blood coming out of me without pain and with no injury. It was a new thing. He found out few years later, when I accidentally leaked. He was very calm and happy. He told me dm would be home soon and will help me. Then rushed to call her. I started at the age of 11yr and talking about periods were awkward.

Juells

sex based?

This is nothing to do with being trans!!! Someone's already mentioned it explicitly and it's pretty clear that this is somehow being referenced beneath the surface of the arguments being made.

There is no comparison between schools combining single sex spaces and parents trying to support and stay informed over their children's health.

And you are acting like puberty is some weird sex segregated experience in the home rather than something in which both girls and boys have lots of physical but also emotional and psychological changes and need many types of support (practical, financial, administrative, physical as well as psychological and emotional) from both parents. This is the best model.

You are trying to argue that it's better that mothers support girls and fathers support boys.

It also reinforces male bodies as the default bodies. Women know everything about male bodies. They are norm and discussed. But women's bodies are shameful secret, wait i'm sorry PRIVATE.

My dad picked me up from school when my period was bad, bought me sani pro and ibuprofen, got me chocolate but he also bit his lip when I was a mardy cow or cried all the time. I didn't need him to stay out of it because he was NOT FEMALE. Now I would never tolerate a DH who was weird or disrespectful about periods. But reinforcing that periods are secret from men probably would have made me more comfortable with misogyny.

Oh and yes BOTH PARENTS LEARNED to support me better through my adolescence. Mum and Dad. Because it's in my best interests for both parents to support me and to know me and to care for me. It's actually not in my best interests to treat my father and my children's father as some sort of enemy who is to kept far away from WOMEN'S STUFF.

These posts are so weird.

I think people are confusing their personal experiences with the man in the OP, who is childless but doesn't think his hypothetical partner and children should be entitled to any privacy.

I think the discussion has moved on from the guy in the OP (who, quite frankly, sounds a bit weird)

zweifler this isn't about shame. It's about young teenage girls wanting some privacy. Maybe feeling embarrassed, sensitive, out of control. Many are under 13. Everything is embarrassing to some teenagers.

In due course, with the right role models theyll get past it.

Those that want privacy are perfectly entitled to it, regardless of your personal experiences or anyone else on this thread who can't imagine a situation different to their own.

“yet suddenly any man who might want to know something about his daughter's reproductive system is a Gilead creep and men need to back off our periods. Jeez”

Actually, I think that “specifically” the guy in the OP does sound a bit of a creep. And it was him I was referring to when I said about “men being left out”

@AfterSchoolWorry there is nothing weird about a potential father thinking about this. Why are people obsessed with sexualising everything to do with girls? Periods need to be normalized and attitudes like yours make them seem like something weird and shameful that women need to keep secret from men for fear of offending them.

Back to the OP’s original point, I think my husband would be sad if he wasn’t told. I also think it could lead to problems if he didn’t know. Questions about stained clothes/sheets, being rushed in the toilet, wondering why she has stomach cramps etc etc. I think both parents/carers need to know if they are going to supply the best care.

Those that want privacy are perfectly entitled to it

Noone has really said they aren't, only that the consequences of that privacy may not actually be in their best interests.

Everything is embarrassing to some teenagers.

Which is why they aren't necessarily the best people to judge situations and why they need parents.

There's a difference between a young girl who wants privacy and who understands that periods are an everyday part of life for most women and a young girl who is so desperately ashamed and embarrassed of her periods that she will hide pain and vomiting from her father.

And let's remember that for most young girls, periods are an inconvenience and don't involve mood swings, pain, vomiting, flooding, cravings for chocolate and the need to be pandered to by a father who has bought every cliche in the book.

For those who experience extreme discomfort and distress, the involvement of both parents may well be necessary but the extreme cases are just that.