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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not telling dp about dd's periods

437 replies

Loveatthefiveanddime · 27/06/2019 09:19

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

OP posts:
zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 12:06

Juells
"I want everyone in the house to know that I'm going to have a poo now."

I don't think talking about the contents of the toilet bowl are mandatory but I also don't think it's disgusting and abusive. They are now teaching kids in school about healthy poos and healthy digestion. Someone being graphic and intentionally unpleasant i.e. i'm going to have a huge shit is one thing but someone saying i don't feel great. i think i need to poo is fine by me My mum has IBS and she can talk about poo (a lot) without being disgusting.

"I'm going to the loo, but it's only for a pee, I had a poo earlier."

This kind of comment is made every single day in my house, usually when someone is trying to get into the bathroom and the person behind them objects. they might state - i'm only quickly brushing my teeth or having a quick wee or you should go first because i'm going to poo. Again this happens EVERY SINGLE DAY in my house.

"I'm feeling a bit horny, so I'll be in the bathroom having a wank for the next ten minutes."

See this is sexual and I think it's pretty clearly unacceptable for a parent to say this whether it's happening in the toilet or not.

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 12:09

The people who can’t differentiate between stuff to do with periods and stuff to do with sex clearly did not grow up learning about healthy boundaries...!

SirVixofVixHall · 27/06/2019 12:28

My dds are very open with DH, so there wasn’t an issue when dd1 started her periods. Re periods specifically, of course men need to be relaxed about them around their friends and family, so that girls don’t get the message that they should feel ashamed in some way, but your colleague sounds to me like the sort of man who says “WE are pregnant” and organises his wife’s breast feeding.

PookieDo · 27/06/2019 12:31

I did tell my ex very discreetly and told him not to be a twat about it. They stay at his house and need items or might have an accident
DD’s didn’t really want me to but I felt I needed to let him know, I was very serious about telling him I didn’t want to break their confidence but that they were going into puberty, no details at all really
He was a twat about it after all and I regret it!

PookieDo · 27/06/2019 12:33

You have to talk about poo and wee! I had to take DD to the GP this week and their first question is how are your bowels and urine! So I will ask is your wee ok, does it smell or how is your tummy and a general ‘is your poo normal’ type chats

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 12:38

Fair enough. Trample girl’s boundaries and break their confidences. Perish the thought that a man might feel left out. The fact is that a man properly involved in family life is going to notice in a very short time anyway.

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 12:42

BertrandRussell
Fair enough. Trample girl’s boundaries and break their confidences. Perish the thought that a man might feel left out.

This is a really weird response to what I just said. You were the one who said that you don't announce going to the toilet because it's private and I pointed out that most people in a family home actually do. People talk about using the toilet all the time and it would actually be considered quite concerning if a child was secretive or ashamed about using the toilet.

How is this me trying to stop men feeling left out and trampling girl's boundaries?

Are you just not going to bother to answer in good faith whatsoever?

JacquesHammer · 27/06/2019 12:43

Perish the thought that a man might feel left out

If that is the reason he’s being told that’s obviously a different thing from him needing to know to benefit the child

It’s fairly simple, no?

CassianAndor · 27/06/2019 12:43

periods are an exclusively female function, so any comparison to going to the loo is irrelevant.

Waveysnail · 27/06/2019 12:46

Unless dads a complete arse then as a wife of course I'd tell him. Periods are not shameful or disgusting and girls do need a bit of understanding when they are learning to deal with periods. I would be having an conversation with my daughter about why she wouldnt want her dad to know and take it from there

Waveysnail · 27/06/2019 12:48

And I'd be all over any man who tried to think periods were suitable subject for teasing

SoupDragon · 27/06/2019 12:51

Perish the thought that a man might feel left out

If that is the reason he’s being told that’s obviously a different thing from him needing to know to benefit the child

This.

sirfredfredgeorge · 27/06/2019 12:54

Anything someone decides to share with you that is personal to them "but please don't tell X", you don't tell X, regardless of what it is unless the situation is so concerning that you need to so as to protect the person.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 12:54

“Are you just not going to bother to answer in good faith whatsoever?”

I’m answering in perfect good faith. I thing a girl has the absolute right to set boundaries about her own body unless it is actively harmful for her to do so. But then I think my children have the right to shut their bedroom doors and expect other members of the family to knock, rather than just barge in. And I remember mumsnetters being horrified by that once too.

Hugtheduggee · 27/06/2019 12:55

Bertrand Russell, how is choosing not to tell him but then sending him to the shop to sort out sanpro any better? That doesn't respect boundaries any more. Its rubbish for the daughter (who is likely to unsuccessfully try to hide it, buy sanpro from her pocket money, scrub her own pants etc), it's a rubbish way for a dad to find out about a normal developmental milestone, and it means he can't be discreet about things like laundry and bins around other siblings, which he might be if he knows that his daughter has just started, etc.

It sucks for everyone and doesn't actually protect the girls privacy anyway.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 12:56

I also think it’s OK to keep a child’s confidence from the other parent.

SoupDragon · 27/06/2019 13:00

I think it's OK to decide whether the other parent needs to know.

GabriellaMontez · 27/06/2019 13:01

Your colleague sounds quite preoccupied with his 'right to know' and not feel left out. It's all about him. He should imo be saying "I hope if I have a daughter she can trust me with anything but I would totally respect her right to privacy"

As women we can model healthy behaviours and attitudes towards our own periods for our daughters to learn from. Without insisting their Dad's have a right to be informed immediately.

As a pp said he does sound like a "we are pregnant" type man!!!

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 13:03

Perish the thought that a man might feel left out

Perish the thought that men aren't allowed access to information about their children that affects their health, wellbeing and behaviour because of regressive gender stereotyping and teenage girls being socialised to believe they need to hide their developing body from their fathers, rather than their mothers teaching them there is no issue and as you say multiple times, THEY ARE GOING TO FIND OUT ANYWAY.

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 13:06

BertrandRussell

I’m answering in perfect good faith.

Really cos it feels like you raise a point, people respond and you just shift to strawmen in response. Where in my answer to your question did you deduce that I think that "men shouldn't be left out"?

I thing a girl has the absolute right to set boundaries about her own body unless it is actively harmful for her to do so. But then I think my children have the right to shut their bedroom doors and expect other members of the family to knock, rather than just barge in. And I remember mumsnetters being horrified by that once too.

Well I'm not horrified by it. And I don't think that most people on this thread would be based on the thoughtful and nuanced comments they are making which are engaging with issues of privacy, secrecy and consent.

And to be explicit I would argue that it is harmful to agree to this specific boundary because it is evidence of a serious problem (period shame) that needs loving parents to engage with and not ignore.

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 13:06

As women we can model healthy behaviours and attitudes towards our own periods for our daughters to learn from.

Is it not also good for fathers to model a positive male attitude towards them? There are plenty of girls in the world who don't have a female role model.

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 13:09

Perish the thought that men aren't allowed access to information about their children that affects their health, wellbeing and behaviour because of regressive gender stereotyping

ABSOLUTELY

OldAndWornOut · 27/06/2019 13:09

I'm certainly not ashamed of periods.
Why is considered shame to want some privacy?
Nowhere in the thread has anyone suggested being ashamed of menstruation.

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 13:16

It's definitely shame. Literally people are saying their DD is embarrassed and doesn't want her DF to know. Yeah, that's from pride and healthy self respect. As if.

Juells · 27/06/2019 13:17

@VivienneHolt Thu 27-Jun-19 12:09:00
The people who can’t differentiate between stuff to do with periods and stuff to do with sex clearly did not grow up learning about healthy boundaries...!

What a sweeping statement. I have very healthy boundaries thank you very much, and can differentiate between sex and periods. But men don't have periods, so they are a 'female' thing, sex-based. If I'd had a boy (I didn't) I wouldn't expect the news to be shared in the family when he had his first wet dream. I'd consider that he was entitled to privacy. The same goes for girls - their bodies are changing, that's difficult enough without it being the business of everyone in the family.