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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not telling dp about dd's periods

437 replies

Loveatthefiveanddime · 27/06/2019 09:19

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 11:37

“Privacy is to do with respecting boundaries, which for a child are set by the parent, for an adult are set by the adult.“
Blimey- so children are not allowed to set their own boundaries?? That’s incredibly scary stuff.

I can see why you would break a child’s confidence if the child was in physical or psychological danger, but not wanting her father to be told she’s started her periods? I just cannot see any way that could cause any problems at all. Particularly as he would be bound to notice before long! (I would tell her that too)

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 11:38

Also just gonna leave this here.

Not telling dp about dd's periods
SoupDragon · 27/06/2019 11:39

DD didn't want me to tell her father. I told him and said she didn't want to talk about it.

I then explained to DD what I had done and explained that he had to know for when she was at his house.

JacquesHammer · 27/06/2019 11:39

I must say I'm wondering how those of us who wouldn't have dreamt of our dads officially knowing we'd started our periods coped, but yet somehow we did, and I don't ever remember it being an issue that my dad didn't 'know'. Baffling

I mean is it really baffling to understand not everyone will have the same menstrual experience as you?

I fully believe my DD is entitled to total body autonomy. There are also occasions when that isn’t the best thing for her. It’s my job (and her father’s job) to try and make the two as comfortable bedfellows as possible.

Userplusnumbers · 27/06/2019 11:40

@toshfromtoshland

Privacy is to do with respecting boundaries, which for a child are set by the parent, for an adult are set by the adult.

Bullshit - children are entitled to both privacy and bodily autonomy - especially as they approach puberty. You do them no favours by not allowing them to set their own boundaries.

Additionally - what message is it sending to young women about men having a right to know about their bodies?!

toshfromtoshland · 27/06/2019 11:40

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis really not sure "horrid" is the right word. We are talking about a child who is potentially 9 or so - I don't think that is old enough to be setting boundaries about what one of their parents knows. Do you? How is the parent supposed to parent? Would you be ok with secrets about your dc being kept from you?

@CassianAndor you say I don't think it;s a secret because there's no actual reason for dad, or, in fact, anyone, know that she's started her periods, a girl but why would it be a secret? And how would someone knowing stop a girl from cracking on and dealing with the day to day practicalities herself?

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 11:41

“I'm not just going to say "oh you're ashamed of your period. great, that's awesome. have a great time with that.”
Can you genuinely not see a difference between “being ashamed of” and “wanting to be private about”?

I’m not ashamed of going to the loo. I don’t necessarily want to announce the fact.

Dragongirl10 · 27/06/2019 11:45

Its not keeping it 'secret' its just personal....l would never have discussed/ask my father to buy me anything period related as it is very personal.

I would respect my DDs right to privacy over her bodily functions.

Stupid comments like'you are a woman now then' are mortifying for a young girl .

Everone's request for privacy should always be upheld, boy/girl/adult/child....

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 11:45

Lweji
If my DD specifically told me she didn't want dad to know about her periods, I'd be very worried.

I agree and I also think it's clear that a lot of posters are coming from the perspective of having had extremely abusive parents so are used to having to protect themselves from them through secrecy. One poster even used the word "creepy" as her father came into the room in the middle of the night to talk about it.

Do these sound like healthy families?

Based on this thread, this would honestly raise abuse red flags. And I would not want any unrelated male living in a home in which a DD feels she cannot even tell her own mother about starting her period!

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 11:47

Additionally - what message is it sending to young women about men having a right to know about their bodies?!

This keeps being thrown about like it’s weird / creepy / pervy for a father to know his daughter has started her periods, but we’re literally talking about a straightforward bodily function. It’s not like men don’t know women have periods. And it’s not like anyone is suggesting that girls have to announce to their fathers every month that they’ve come on. There’s something really disingenuous about saying that telling a child her father should know in case she ever needs his help but he doesn’t need to know details and won’t ask questions is somehow comparable to giving her the message that she had to intimately share details of her body with men generally. Those two things are so obviously not the same that I don’t really believe any of you truly think they are. It’s just point scoring.

toshfromtoshland · 27/06/2019 11:47

@userplusnumbers what message is it sending to girls that their periods are something to be kept secret? And as for boundaries @bertrandrussell I am with @VivienneHolt on this one.

A child setting their own boundaries is how abuse happens.

Parents need to parent.

Children are not intellectually or emotionally mature enough to set their own boundaries, though the child's ability steadily increases with age. But here we are talking about young children. Helping them with boundaries doesn't remove their ever increasing autonomy.

Anyway - this is too polarised (and bonkers) for me - I am off! Good luck, OP.

Yeahnahmum · 27/06/2019 11:47

if my DD specifically told me she didn't want dad to know about her periods, I'd be very worried. Either about her relationship with him or how I had presented periods, a normal bodily function, to her.

Totally agree. By her asking you not to tell her dad, and you agreeing not to tell him, you would introduce shame into the whole thing. 50% of mankind menstruate?! Every. Single. Months. For decades.
And yeah of course i can understand that she would maybe not want to talk in depth to her dad about it, but to not tell and hide it; being secretive about it... it just adds to the stigma that bleeding out of your vagina is a thing to be ashamed about.

Which. it. isn't.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 11:48

I know that my dd and her friends were very open about periods with their friends of both sexes. Still up to her whether her dad knew or not. Her body. Her information. Her choice.

OldAndWornOut · 27/06/2019 11:49

My upbringing was very healthy.
I've no shame about periods.
Its just private.

All this thread has done is shown that there isn't any right or wrong way, different strokes for different folks.

We all are here, we've all managed our periods, regardless of who knew, regardless of whether it was private or a secret.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 11:50

Who’s talking about hiding it?

This is bizarre.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 11:52

Actually, I do think there are rights and wrongs here. I think girls are entitled to have their boundaries respected. And it is wrong to steamroller over them.

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 11:53

BertrandRussell

Can you genuinely not see a difference between “being ashamed of” and “wanting to be private about”?

I’m not ashamed of going to the loo. I don’t necessarily want to announce the fact.

See, that's a pretty hilarious example because in a FAMILY HOME, I think it would also be EXTREMELY WEIRD that a teenage child went out of their way to hide the fact they were going to the toilet. Going to the toilet would be considered weird thing to announce in many contexts but not really in a home.

Because people announce they are using the bathroom all the time in homes. They talk about going to the bathroom. They argue about the bathroom use. They complain about cleanliness in the bathroom. the bathroom is a much discussed topic of conversation in my house.

I mean, let's say a child at the dinner table gets up to go to toilet.
where are you going? nowhere. are you going to the toilet? I don't want to talk about it.
child tries to stop father seeing them go into the toilet
child pretends that they are not going to the toilet if their father sees them outside toilet.

This is all normal and healthy to you?

BlueSkiesLies · 27/06/2019 11:54

I would hope that I had not fostered the kind of environment where periods were shameful and needed to be kept secret from her father

toshfromtoshland · 27/06/2019 11:55

Just one last thing to throw into the mix - my dc are boys, and my eldest is a boy and he noticed blood on toilet paper when he was about 4 or 5 and at that stage I explained that it was nothing to worry about it was normal for women, and to do with having babies. And I gradually built on that. Now a few years older, periods to him mean (a) I might have slightly (cough cough) less patience and tolerance the day before - which I inform everyone of - and (b) it is normal body of a woman working. And I am quite happy with the way he sees it - it is the sort of perception I'd be looking for in a male partner as long as they were led by me as to the hormonal affects.

@bertrandrussell you say I’m not ashamed of going to the loo. I don’t necessarily want to announce the fact. But you might be worried if your dc suddenly wanted to keep their toilet going a secret you or their father?

Anyway - I'm off now.

OldAndWornOut · 27/06/2019 11:55

I think that too.
Maybe in the minority, but people making it sound slightly shameful won't change my mind.

Lweji · 27/06/2019 11:56

A father knowing about it is not that different from knowing that his DD pees or poos, or washes, or even that she started wearing bras.

Issues of privacy would be attending a gynaecologist together, or deciding what tampons to buy, or even washing soiled knickers.

In any case, IMO, if a girl says she doesn't want dad to know it's a good idea to have a chat with her about her reasons and how to ensure her privacy while not making it a secret as such.

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 11:58

Who’s talking about hiding it?

Anyone who has suggested mothers should agree their daughters should keep it secret is talking about hiding it.

Also, can you not see how agreeing to this secret perpetuates stigma? A child who has been told her father won’t be informed (but may naturally realise or find out) will go to lengths to prevent him from knowing. If your kid is on her period and in the sole care of her father, would you really want her going without painkillers or pads / tampons, or stressing about bloodied sheets, or hiding her pain because she’s afraid of revealing her secret to her father? Wouldn’t it be better if, when she told you, you had a gentle conversation about how her dad already knows about periods and will never pry but is on hand to help if she needs it, and won’t be embarrassed about it if she does? Don’t you think you owe it to your kids to help them into a better, safer, happier situation?

Juells · 27/06/2019 11:58

zweifler1

"I want everyone in the house to know that I'm going to have a poo now."
"I'm going to the loo, but it's only for a pee, I had a poo earlier."
"I'm feeling a bit horny, so I'll be in the bathroom having a wank for the next ten minutes."

Where is the line drawn?

Juells · 27/06/2019 11:58

...or does 'no line' only apply to females?

toshfromtoshland · 27/06/2019 12:02

@juells - I would say talking about sex/feeling horny isn't normal with dc. Talking about the toilet would be - anything goes and people say if it is too grim/bad timing. Those unspoken but well understood social rules would apply to males and females.