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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not telling dp about dd's periods

437 replies

Loveatthefiveanddime · 27/06/2019 09:19

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

OP posts:
toshfromtoshland · 27/06/2019 15:21

Boundaries are about knowing how you feel about things and communicating it in an appropriate way (while respecting other people's boundaries and having some idea where "normal" or "average" would lie). A young child wanting to keep her periods secret from her father is not to do with her "asserting her boundaries" - a young girl is only just starting to form emotional intelligence which is the bedrock for understanding one's own boundaries - it would be to do with immaturity or other concerns - and if you just went along with it without talking it could become damaging and unhealthy. Talking about it is an opportunity to help your dd fathom out what they feel and why, though some guidance is going to be needed. This all works fine in a good parent child relationship, where there is good connection and mutual respect. It only breaks down when the parents don't understand and where the relationship isn't so good.

I am not suggesting that dc shouldn't have choices - I think choices are really important - but they need to be age appropriate. It is important to talk not just go along with.

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 15:23

^extremely sensible post

LovelyinTheAfternoon · 27/06/2019 15:24

@Loveatthefiveanddime

let me give another side to this.

When my periods began, in the 1960s (I'm old) I asked my mum not to tell my dad.

Be aware this was the 60s and women's periods and san pro was not all over the media, in TV adverts etc as it is today. Sex education at school was no more than a talk for 'the girls' on periods.

I am SURE that my mum did tell my dad. I also found out over many years that she was a gossip and no good at keeping any secrets. I discovered she'd searched my room for letters from a boyfriend, read them and talked about them to another mum (of one of my friends.)

I lost all trust in her. To this day there are huge aspects of my life (men related) she knows nothing about.

We have an 'ok' relationship but not close as far as relationships go but I moved hundreds of miles away from her as soon as I could. I love her, but there is this legacy.

So- for any of you who go against your child's wishes re. keeping things to yourself, be mindful of the possible fallout.

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 15:27

I think the bonkers assertion that fathers are on the wrong side of some bizarre inhome sexual segregation that requires that they be kept in the dark on "female specific" bodily functions.

I like the idea that the daughter might come home from school early from period pains (if they exist which apparently they don't) but somehow the DH is supposed to be kept in the dark.

Don't forget him buying chocolate when asked as evidence of his misogyny as well. Men need to ignore their female children. Anything else is pandering and misogyny.

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 15:28

toshfromtoshland
Boundaries are about knowing how you feel about things and communicating it in an appropriate way (while respecting other people's boundaries and having some idea where "normal" or "average" would lie). A young child wanting to keep her periods secret from her father is not to do with her "asserting her boundaries" - a young girl is only just starting to form emotional intelligence which is the bedrock for understanding one's own boundaries - it would be to do with immaturity or other concerns - and if you just went along with it without talking it could become damaging and unhealthy. Talking about it is an opportunity to help your dd fathom out what they feel and why, though some guidance is going to be needed. This all works fine in a good parent child relationship, where there is good connection and mutual respect. It only breaks down when the parents don't understand and where the relationship isn't so good.

I am not suggesting that dc shouldn't have choices - I think choices are really important - but they need to be age appropriate. It is important to talk not just go along with.

great post!!!

Lweji · 27/06/2019 15:32

If the dad takes the daughter to the doctors surely the doctor would ask her directly?! Why would they ask the dad?!

For one, and IME, the children may find themselves even more awkward in the presence of the doctor. Would it be ok to hide that information from the doctor too? Are they entitled to know that information? Or is it optional like for dad, who is one of the two people responsible for the child?
And the doctor could be in hospital without the child capable of answering.

loveya · 27/06/2019 15:32

I have always trusted my mom, she was in the bathroom after my birthday party with family, brushing my little sisters teeth while I used the toilet.. I was 12 at the time and didn't really care yet we were all girls anyway, my sister looked over to me (I hadn't noticed anything yet as I was chatting to my mom) and interrupted me asking my mom why there was blood on my underwear (she was about 5)..

She told my dad but my dad never mentioned anything to me about it, we have always been a family that openly talked about these stuff.. so it wasn't weird to know my dad knew. But there are things I've done in my teenage years she found out or I had told her that she never told my dad... she also knew a lot more then we (my siblings and I) thought she did as now that were all 25+ she brings up sometimes lol... we laugh about it.

When I read this post first I talked to my partner about it and his view on things like this, we are expecting our first child (girl) this August and so t was a good thing to discuss, I have decided I probably will tell him but he won't make a big deal out of it, but just so he knows why she's being moody or whatever.. we usually do weekly shops together (who knows how that will be in 11 years or whenever) but he's not weird about buying these things when he's alone either and she's gonna need other types then I would..
I do plan on being open about these things so that when the time comes she wont feel weird about telling me/him/us..

Blistory · 27/06/2019 15:32

Sorry but I find female posters back patting each other for their dismissal of the rights, wants and needs of female children almost as bizzare as their desire to show how progressive they are by centering men in a discussion about girls and menstruation.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 27/06/2019 15:32

I would tell DH.

We parent together.

feelingverylazytoday · 27/06/2019 15:33

I would respect my daughter's wishes on this subject, can't really see any reason not to. I don't know if my dad knew when I started, I certainly didn't tell him and would have preferred him not to have known. I never felt the need to tell other people when I was on my period, I really considered it my own private business.

Juells · 27/06/2019 15:33

I went apeshit when my ex phoned me, 'worried about DD' because her SM had found a letter in her room with 'dirty drawings' in it. I couldn't believe that someone would open a 12-year-old's private letter and read it, and then compound that invasion of privacy by trying to make her feel bad about it. Luckily she's as thick-skinned as I am, and laughed at them, and hid everything from then on. That's what you get when you don't allow children privacy.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 15:33

“I guarantee there are a million different ways in which you set your children’s boundaries for them in order to protect them and keep them safe ”

Of course. Which is why when things come up where it is fine for them to set their own boundaries it’s important that they can and do. And this is one of those situations. There is no downside to a girl being able to make this decision-the extraordinarily contortions of some posters notwithstanding.

Jellybeansincognito · 27/06/2019 15:33

Children have the right to privacy?

Oh come on, it’s a period. Females get them, it’s nothing to be ashamed of and I’d be gutted if my daughter felt too embarrassed to tell her dad she’d started her period.

Telling your partner your daughter has started her period is not a privacy invasion.

Lweji · 27/06/2019 15:34

Sorry but I find female posters back patting each other for their dismissal of the rights, wants and needs of female children almost as bizzare as their desire to show how progressive they are by centering men in a discussion about girls and menstruation.

This is not about men. This is about a parent.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 27/06/2019 15:34

Its their father @Blistory Hmm

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 27/06/2019 15:35

Honestly the world has gone mad with some of the comments on here.

WhyTho · 27/06/2019 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 15:36

Contortions such as a child unconscious in hospital and it being vital that the doctors know whether she has started her periods yet and her poor father not knowing......

Juells · 27/06/2019 15:37

BertrandRussell
I know, it's fucking hilarious.

Lweji · 27/06/2019 15:38

As a teenager

Yes, but many girls these days start at 10. Still a long way from being a teenager.

I don't deal with my 14 year old son like when he was 10. Like doctors don't either.

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 15:38

Sorry but I find female posters back patting each other for their dismissal of the rights, wants and needs of female children almost as bizzare as their desire to show how progressive they are by centering men in a discussion about girls and menstruation.

You are recommending fully embracing a course of action that would be actively detrimental to a child in pursuit of some retrogressive, harmful idea that periods are a secretive woman’s issue that must be concealed from men, so I find your suggestion that you are the one cantering the well-being of girls absolutely absurd.

It is for the child’s benefit that her father know how best to look after her, not his. It is your job as a parent to protect your child and do right by them even when that goes against what they want, and that is doubly true when their wants are influenced by feelings of shame and embarrassment which you should be helping them overcome, not strengthening them.

Sux2buthen · 27/06/2019 15:38

I'm sure our girls will tell him themselves but if not I will.
Because they will still be children whose healthcare is still our mutual responsibility. Communication is vital in a family and (touch wood) I won't be hit by a bus or anything but if I ever was he'd would know what was happening with them.
Girls get periods. Men aren't thick or evil. If it's to do with their child's health they have a right to know.

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 15:41

centering men

Or maybe just not excluding them .

Honestly, based on this thread you would think daughters were the sole possession of their mothers. Leave dads to teach football to the boys eh?

Lweji · 27/06/2019 15:43

It's not more contorted than keeping a secret from dad that his own child has started her periods.

Are mums and their DDs start secretly buying pads and tampons and stashing them under their DD's knickers?

A father is just as responsible for his child as the mother. He's not any man. He should be made aware of his child's body development.

Imagine boys trying to hide their growing moustaches from their mothers.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 15:43

“Girls get periods. Men aren't thick or evil. If it's to do with their child's health they have a right to know.”

Where did “evil” come from?