Not telling dp about dd's periods

[Loveatthefiveanddime]

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

you claim that period pain isn’t an issue affecting girls.

I'm not providing backup for something I didn't claim. Just because you think I said this doesn't mean that I did.

so, just to get this straight, both Vivienne and zweifler do not believe that a girl has the right to choose where and when her father is informed of her periods starting (but that her father has the right to be informed when this exclusively female bodily function starts, against her wishes).

Not sure if you’ve rtft, but age is important here. If we are talking about a 17yo then she had a much greater degree of autonomy and can decide for herself, because the likelihood of her needing parental help is much lower and she is old enough to make an informed decision, and understand the consequences of that.

I don’t believe that is the case for a 10 year old child, who may well need help from one or both parents at any time, and who likely doesn’t have the capacity to fully understand the ramifications of the choice they make. In that case, I think it’s in the best interests of the child for her dad to know in case she ever needs his assistance or is ill as a result of her period, and therefore a loving parent should help her to understand why he should be told, and reassure her that he won’t pry or otherwise compromise her privacy.

I didn’t accuse anyone of having issues but I find the regressive, secretive attitudes to periods on this thread very depressing, and the worst part is seeing this damaging shame repackaged as female empowerment when it’s the exact opposite.

My dd was so young when she started hers she wasn’t embarrassed and excitedly showed dh all her new purchases (got the pads and a pretty sponge bag for them etc) when we got back from town. He is very matter of fact and always checks she’s “got what she needs” when we setting off after she mistook liners for pads and leaked on a very rural walk

Mixing up 'secret' and 'privacy' is not good

I totally agree, but it's not me who is mixing them up. It's you.

No one is suggesting her father should be in the loo watching her change her san pro, that would be about privacy. Not telling something and hiding it, is what makes it a secret and that's what's being discussed here.

When my DD is old enough she'll likely tell her dad herself as its a milestone, shes growing up and her dad rightly isn't embarrassed about period issues.

Im a moody/emotional bitch when i have my period and i also have issues leading up to it so pretty quickly in our relationship he realised he needn't be embarrassed and got to grips with all he needed to know quite quickly.

I think a father should know. What happens when you're not home, daughter starts period but you've ran out of products? She needs to be able to ask her dad to go to the shop for her. Crying or being a dick because well, hormones, he needs to understand she isnt being a little shit, her hormones are out of whack and its her way of dealing with it.

As mothers we hope our daughters are comfortable enough to tell us so we can help them through and navigate any issues so why is it different for a father?

If you aren't with the father but your daughter stays there, theres nothing wrong with a curtesy message/call (if daughter isn't comfortable enough saying anything) just to say 'DD has started her periods, dont make a big deal of it as shes a little uncomfortable right now. Ill send an extra pack of pads (or other sanitary products she wishes to use) and tell her to put them in the bathroom incase she's staying at yours and needs them, get some paracetamol and hot water bottle in too as she may need them at some point'. And if she really doesn't want you to tell him, advise that she let him know in some round about way (like leaving packet of pads out in the bathroom) just to make him aware.

The only time its different is if one parent is not around at all. That would be telling a stranger.

Its not something to be ashamed about and we shouldn't be teaching our children, male or female that it needs to be a secret.

I'm not providing backup for something I didn't claim. Just because you think I said this doesn't mean that I did.

So why challenge my point if you agree with it?!

Not telling something and hiding it, is what makes it a secret and that's what's being discussed here.

How about just 'not telling something'? Where does the hiding come in? Nobody sees what someone else is doing privately in a bathroom or bedroom, you seem to be implying that that's the same thing as hiding.

In our house growing up, the secrecy was so bad, I was handed a pack of towels, told to use them and then shred them down the loo, putting any soiled underwear in the nappy bucket to soak and tell DM to include them in laundry (younger DSiblings were sometimes cloth nappy users in between disposables). Meanwhile DSis never told anyone she had started (so I was in trouble for bloody underwear in the wash).

In our house now, we are very open about body stuff. They learn about periods and the like in school, and I've had a book about growing up and puberty, that I went through with DD and it lives on the bookshelf in the sitting room. They needed a starter pack with them for a Y6 residential trip (last year in primary school) and I gave her the emergency pack I keep for Cub camp (in case any of the female Cubs needs it, I'm the Leader). She knows to just ask when she does need things.

If she asked not to say something, I wouldn't directly but may say to give her a break to DH. But he'd probably hear about it before me in reality.

You should respect the child's privacy. I didnt even want my Dad to wash my clothes when I was about 12. I asked him could I wash my own clothes (put them in the machine) and he said yes

Partly because you used a statistic that you evidently didn't understand to prove your point which it didn't.

But mainly because I didn't and still don't agree with your point.

In a 3 sentence post, my first, second and third sentences ALL referenced girls and pain. My point remains that it is not the norm for the majority of girls at the start of menstruation.

@CassianAndor
so, just to get this straight, both Vivienne and zweifler do not believe that a girl has the right to choose where and when her father is informed of her periods starting (but that her father has the right to be informed when this exclusively female bodily function starts, against her wishes).

And you both believe that this request = lying to her father for the rest of her born days about her periods.

I can't even work out what you're accusing me of.

You said Asking for Dad not to be told when a girl's periods start does not means always keeping it from him.
What it is is allowing a girl to choose her own time and place to tell him.

And if she chooses not to tell him then it means keeping it from him?
Right? What are you actually trying to argue? You poohed poohed the earlier scenario I laid out In which the mother and daughter have to basically lie for years to the DH in order to make sure the daughter's boundary but I'm not sure why because any scenario in which "a girl has the right to choose where and when her father is informed of her periods" must involve a possibility that time is never or not for many years.

Oh and @blistory 100% if you see an account of caring parenting as negative pandering then, yeah, you have a distorted filter. i.e. issues.

BiddyPop
In our house growing up, the secrecy was so bad, I was handed a pack of towels, told to use them and then shred them down the loo, putting any soiled underwear in the nappy bucket to soak and tell DM to include them in laundry

I wonder if some of the disagreement on this thread comes from our different experiences growing up? I can see why you'd react in the opposite direction, having had that to deal with as a child. But others (like me) perhaps had a more relaxed upbringing, with a lot of privacy and respect for our personal space. So for me it's anathema that a child's privacy, physical or mental, would be invaded in any way she wasn't comfortable with.

Wow zweifler that's an imaginative bit of whatiffery! I could do one back about breaching trust. But I won't.

As I said later in my post, with good role models, a bit of experience and no one making a big deal about it or pressuring them, most girls will just get past any initial embarrassment.

80% of women and girls isn't the same as 80% of girls.

^^ this

I was never that inconvenienced - once in my teenage years I had a lot of pain, but it was just once. I had a cousin who made a huge hoohaa every time she had a period, everyone had to go running round making hot water bottles and not making noise in the house, but she was a drama queen. I'm not saying everyone who suffers with their periods is a drama queen, but she certainly was. I've also had friends who suffered a lot because they had endometriosis, but for most people periods aren't that debilitating and TBH I kinda resent that whole narrative, as it was always a stick that was used to beat women with, that they wouldn't be reliable in work because of 'women's problems'. Most women can cope with periods without fainting or writhing on the floor in pain.

wow this is hilarious. the position on this thread is now that female pain - something that is understudied, undermedicated, underresponded to - is actually being massively overrated even though no one has any data to back this up. Yeah, the only woman you know with severe pains was just a drama queen. Girls don't really have much period pain.

We've got a study that says that 80% of women and girls suffer period pain and now you're arguing that it's only 80% of women, girls are fine. Great, show the evidence that says so!

GabriellaMontez
Wow zweifler that's an imaginative bit of whatiffery! I could do one back about breaching trust. But I won't.

I mean, I hope you're not holding back because of me. I think if you have an argument you should 100% make it. I'd like to hear more about it because I feel like there's clearly something I don't see or I'm missing. Obviously if you don't want to or can't even be bothered to say it, that's clearly your right.

What happens if the dad (who hasn't been told) has to take his dd to a doctor and is asked if she already has periods?

Both parents of a young child should be aware of anything relating to their health, body, education, etc. Why not?

Would it be ok for some pps here, as mothers, if their DDs had told dad but asked him not to tell mum? Would you be happy being kept in the dark about your DD's periods?

My point remains that it is not the norm for the majority of girls at the start of menstruation.

And where is your statistical evidence for this?

I absolutely do understand the statistic I used. I see no need to differentiate between girls and women for the purposes of discussion on period pain, and I don’t understand why you do (not least because you will not provide evidence for your theory that period pain is an inconvenience for girls rather than a legitimate problem).

You’re in good (well, bad) company at least - the medical professional has forever been astoundingly sexist in its approach to female pain, and it’s not at all uncommon for period pain to be dismissed, ignored and untreated.

It wouldn't have bothered me, frankly.
As long as my daughter had felt she had someone to talk to about it, and adequate supplies.

I think most people have agreed with @zweifler1 and @VivienneHolt they just lost the will to live with the bonkers assertions from a small number of vocal posters.

“they just lost the will to live with the bonkers assertions from a small number of vocal posters.”

The bonkers assertion that girls have a right to set their own boundaries?

I think most people have agreed with @zweifler1 and @VivienneHolt they just lost the will to live with the bonkers assertions from a small number of vocal posters.

I agree, and my own will to live has been through the wringer somewhat.

Seriously weird. The ones bleating on about it “not being shameful blah blah blah” seem to be the ones making the bigger deal out of it!! It’s such a non-issue and so normal around here that I don’t feel the need to announce it to the household, nor does DD.

Weirdos.

^^ this

The bonkers assertion that girls have a right to set their own boundaries?

I guarantee there are a million different ways in which you set your children’s boundaries for them in order to protect them and keep them safe (no you can’t have ice cream for breakfast, no you can’t have an Instagram account at the age of 9, no you can’t watch 8 hours of YouTube per day, no you can’t wear that push up bra, no you can’t sleep over at your boyfriend’s house, no you can’t meet MrNice1975 from the internet at his house blah blah blah), and to decide that suddenly when it comes to periods the boundaries of a ten year old who doesn’t know the ramifications of her decisions are sacrosanct because periods are such a secret female ritual there is no possible need for her dad to know despite the fact that they could and likely will cause her to need parental assistance with the physical, emotional and practical toll it will take at some time or another is frankly absurd.