Childless friend only wants to meet in the afternoon

[Usernamqwerty]

My DC are nearly 3 and nearly 1 and both nap in the afternoon (in car / at home). I am trying to arrange to meet a friend at the weekend (who works FT). She lives about 45 mins away and doesn't drive (we are semi-rural, 5 minute drive to the station). Am offering to meet at a park near her. Explained we would get there for around 11am, eat lunch out and then I'd have to leave around 14:30 so the kids can nap in the car.

Except she's only willing to meet in the afternoon (because she stays up late watching TV) so gets up really late. And she's always sodding late as well, sometimes up to an hour... 😩.

I said we'd be there for 11 and she said she can do 12 which will inevitably be 13:00 and then we'll only have an hour or so with her.

Every time we arrange to meet we have this issue. AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

I don't want to have a 90 minute drive for the sake of an hour 😟.

I've been a mum for 20 years and no, it has never ever been the job of childless people to fit in around the holier than thou parents. I suspect you've painted her in a terrible light because you want sympathy i.e she's stays up late watching telly. If you can't co-ordinate then so be but please don't paint yourself as a victim, you are not more important.

Secondly, in any situation where one person had genuine commitments such as work, caring for relatives, other plans or yes, god forbid, children and their naps I would hope if the other person didn't have any commitments that day that they would be considerate of their friends plans.

Again though, you have no idea of the commitments this person's friend may have. Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you don't have commitments - some of them perhaps a lot more pressing than the napping schedule of someone else's offspring - and perhaps those commitments make her value the precious few hours she has to 'lie on her arsehole', as you so disdainfully put it.

@icedpurple, sleeping in until the middle of the afternoon is not a commitment, you are fighting far too hard to try and prove your point because it is invalid in this situation.

The OP is already doing all the leg work to make this meet up happen so why shouldn't the friend be more flexible? It is saving the friend in both travel costs and travel time, seems more than reasonable to me that she should be considerate of her friends children, if for no other reason than meeting with someone who has grumpy tired children is far from relaxing for anyone involved.

Yabu if you think she should fit in with your schedule, bit entitled tbh. But as others have said, why don't you invite her round for lunch at yours? Then you will have plenty time! Always easier when you have small children to factor into your plans.

About people w/o kids being flexible to accommodate those who have kids, I think they should make an effort. When I had no kids, that was always a no-brainer for me. And now, with kids of my own, I have several friends w/o kids who I meet often and we have never had a problem finding a time and location that works for us all.

Obviously, parents of young children have so many constraints and are on call all the time, what's wrong with being mindful of that by deviating a bit from ones own habits just for a day? The same goes for being mindful of people with shift work schedules, with high level of responsibility on their job, with care duties or any other kinds of condition that gives them very little control over their own schedule. Why would anyone want to make it even harder for them. I've heard childless people complaining bitterly about their friends having no time for them anymore after they had kids and was always very compassionate about that, but now that I read this post I am wondering if that was not the full story.

Obviously, parents of young children have so many constraints and are on call all the time, what's wrong with being mindful of that by deviating a bit from ones own habits just for a day?

It implies that non-parents' time is less valuable than parents', that's what. Who's to say childless people don't have constraints on their time too?

It's not just lateness though - she cancels on me about 2/3 of the time, sometimes at very short notice

This last little snippet of info describes someone very close to me and how they were a few years ago. The difference in the situation was that I and my friends all knew that she suffered from quite severe and debilitating anxiety which manifested in insomnia ( up most nights in front of the TV until the early hours), totally exhausted every morning - weekends sleep until at least 1030am. And she also would cancel most of the time.

We talked about it often and we all accepted it and supported her. We factored in her 'triggers' and did our best to accomodate. We absolutely knew she was not ever being inconsiderate and really wanted to go out, socialise, meet friends but it was sometimes impossible. We witnessed full on awful anxiety attacks - vomiting, diarrhoea, nausea and we even had to take her to A&E to get checked out as she passed out from hyperventilating.

Now that she manages it, she's been much more open about it. She hid it for years - from work, family and friends. Looking back, there were lots of (now obvious) signs.

Could your friend have similar mental health issues that you're not aware of?

@icedpurple, sleeping in until the middle of the afternoon is not a commitment, you are fighting far too hard to try and prove your point because it is invalid in this situation.

I'd say your point is invalid as nowhere does it say that the friend is "sleeping in until the middle of the afternoon". All it says is that she gets up 'really late', which depending on how you interpret it, can mean she gets up at 10. Also, it says she would be willing to meet at midday so clearly she isn't "sleeping in until the middle of the afternoon".

If I wasn’t bf’ing id leave the kids with the dh and go in my own, or have her come to you and you can chat while they nap. I was never a slave to my dc’s Naps and I have a similar gap. I would have never gone out the house otherwise.

I think as you are the one having to drag 2 tiny DCs with you she is the one being unreasonable. My DCs would never sleep in a buggy so we were strict with nap times as they only ever rested in the car or bed. No sleep = really grumpy DCs and me wishing I’d stayed at home. I think at least occasionally your friend should put herself out

Sounds like you might have outgrown each other (for the time being anyway). You're at different stages in your life and it sounds like you're both meeting reluctantly with limitations because you feel you should rather than because you actually want to