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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childless friend only wants to meet in the afternoon

161 replies

Usernamqwerty · 26/06/2019 20:10

My DC are nearly 3 and nearly 1 and both nap in the afternoon (in car / at home). I am trying to arrange to meet a friend at the weekend (who works FT). She lives about 45 mins away and doesn't drive (we are semi-rural, 5 minute drive to the station). Am offering to meet at a park near her. Explained we would get there for around 11am, eat lunch out and then I'd have to leave around 14:30 so the kids can nap in the car.

Except she's only willing to meet in the afternoon (because she stays up late watching TV) so gets up really late. And she's always sodding late as well, sometimes up to an hour... 😩.

I said we'd be there for 11 and she said she can do 12 which will inevitably be 13:00 and then we'll only have an hour or so with her.

Every time we arrange to meet we have this issue. AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

I don't want to have a 90 minute drive for the sake of an hour 😟.

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 26/06/2019 20:31

she works full time, chances are she's up at 7am Monday - Friday

If she lives semi-rurally, chances are it's even earlier. I get up at 6:30 and I live quite near my workplace.

cordeliavorkosigan · 26/06/2019 20:32

I wouldn't say she has to accommodate because she doesn't have kids and you do. But if she lives 45 min away and doesn't drive and is always an hour late, then that simply means that this plan will not work for you, so you should not do it. One of those times that "it doesn't suit" or "that won't work for us" is enough - you don't need to justify.
Not driving saves a lot money in not keeping a car -- can she take an uber to you, and you can chat while your DC nap? etc. Or she can suggest a plan that works for both of you.

I also don't see any issue with being straightforward and saying that in the past she has typically been an hour late, so it is more convenient for her to come to you than for you to plan to meet in a park or in her town.

SerenDippitty · 26/06/2019 20:33

*(because she stays up late watching TV)

This seems very judgey, she works full time, chances are she's up at 7am Monday - Friday. So wanting a lie in when you've had a tiring week at work doesn't seem unreasonable.*

And neither does wanting to stay up late to watch TV on a Friday, tbh.

AhNowTed · 26/06/2019 20:35

She wants to meet you, alone, for a catch up without your kids.

There's nothing wrong with that at all.

I have children so i get it.

It can be very annoying, and dull, meeting a friend with DC where the focus is on kids.

ChicCroissant · 26/06/2019 20:35

Would she normally go to the park, OP? Because if she doesn't, that won't be an inviting prospect for her!

Get her to come to you. YABU to expect her to fit her day round your child's naps (and that sounds really restrictive for you too, I'm sure my own child had stopped napping by 3).

pictish · 26/06/2019 20:37

If you’re asking if she should arrange her weekend day around your kids’ naps, the answer is no. I mean she can if she wants...but there’s no social obligation to.

My advice is to be less rigid about nap times.

Di11y · 26/06/2019 20:37

would she let them nap at her house? bring a travel cot and 3yos fave pillow and blanket and catch up while they're napping?

User8888888 · 26/06/2019 20:39

Ideally I think you’d meet her on your own but I don’t think you’re unreasonable expecting her to flex to you if you have to involve the kids. I did that for my friends before I had children. It’s easier for a grownup to change their schedule than it is for two small ones.

For me, nap time has always been sacrosanct. My children have been amazing sleepers and thrive on routine. I pay the price with shitty behaviour the next day If I mess with naptime so I just don’t. Never been an issue.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 26/06/2019 20:40

Meet up after nap time, or leave the kids at home with your DP and meet her without them early afternoon?

WhiteDust · 26/06/2019 20:40

Am offering to meet at a park near her. Explained we would get there for around 11am, eat lunch out and then I'd have to leave around 14:30 so the kids can nap in the car.

That's your schedule. It doesn't match up with hers. If you're going to meet, both of you will have to compromise.

parrotonthesofa · 26/06/2019 20:40

Well like the majority i think yabu to think your schedule trumps hers
Also think you should go after the nap then will be better for all as they won't be whingey and tired.
Or go without if that's an option.

As an aside it is interesting to me that petiole are surprised that a 3 yr old is still napping. I live abroad and here the kids stop afternoon nap around 4 or 5. 3 is considered early to stop

Fundays12 · 26/06/2019 20:41

Stick the kids in a buggy and let them nap. She doesn’t have to work around your kids nap. They are your kids not hers. I have never expected anyone to work around my kids naps and actually didn’t do it myself. They napped in buggies, car seats etc.

I am really quite surprised your 3 year old still naps my kids stopped napping before they turned 2. Is there any reason you can’t meet her on your own? I tend to meet my childless friends without my kids most of the time as I value our friendship and want to be able to chat without constantly running after my kids.

parrotonthesofa · 26/06/2019 20:41

Petiole? People. Bloody auto correct

Rezie · 26/06/2019 20:43

I really don't think her being childless is the issue here.

Expressedways · 26/06/2019 20:44

Do the children have another parent? If yes then leave the kids at home with them and go and meet your friend solo.

RedPanda2 · 26/06/2019 20:45

Can't you meet her without the kids? Being so late is atrocious but tbh as a childfree person your kids nap time wouldn't be more important than my lie in or other plans. I would expect the kids to be left with their other parent though

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 26/06/2019 20:47

AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

Golden Womb Syndrome right there.

Laiste · 26/06/2019 20:47

My older 3 napped in the afternoon till they were 5. They wouldn't have napped in a buggy, or in a travel cot. If they didn't get their hours kip they were grumpy and tired later and ironically wouldn't go down to sleep at bedtime very well.

It's only a few years of your life to accommodate your little one's needs/wishes and if it makes life easier in the long run (they go to bed happily in the evening and you get a bit of peace) then it's very well worth going with it while it lasts.

Your mate isn't on the same page as you OP. No right or wrong about it though. Once your kids are at school it might make scheduling easier ... or not actually

itsboiledeggsagain · 26/06/2019 20:49

My children still napped aged 4, except for my third. And only really in bed at home as they couldn't stay asleep in car/pushchair if it stopped moving. I just accepted it to be my life. I think your friend doesn't sound too much like she wants to meet you, I suspect she also wants child free.

id invite her to yours and if she can't do it then kindly accept it.

lilpumpsmum · 26/06/2019 20:49

Do you have to take the kids? As a childless woman I would rather meet just with my friend tbh. No one finds your kids as fun to be around as you do

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/06/2019 20:49

Do you really want to see her that much? I don’t agree with pps, who say yabu to expect her to work with your children’s schedule. And adult is more adaptable than a child in a routine. Dd was a mess if I didn’t stick to hers. She didn’t nap in the pushchair when she got older so I would either have met before or after the nap.

Unless your house is incredibly difficult to get to via train from hers, I think she’s far less bothered about seeing you than you think.

Xyzzzzz · 26/06/2019 20:53

**AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

Yes you are being unreasonable if this is what you think.

Xmasbaby11 · 26/06/2019 20:55

I had a 2 year age gap and it's hard enough getting out to meet friends let alone if they are late. Honestly I wouldn't have met a childless friend with my 2 tinies at a park if at all possible - it's not conducive to quality time. If you can only meet with the kids then I think your friend should try to accommodate your schedule tbh. That stage doesn't last forever. Before I had kids I used to go to parks to meet my friends with kids - if they were close friends and the only way of seeing them. I was more flexible than they were. There's give and take in a friendship, it doesn't have to be equal all the time.

NoSquirrels · 26/06/2019 20:56

Meet her in the afternoon, either post-nap, if you can get them down earlier at home, or let them nap in the car. If you left at 2ish you'd have the 45 min drive which would be enough for the 3 year old, wouldn't it? Baby might want a bit longer, I suppose.

Or just invite her to yours instead.

blushmelikeyou · 26/06/2019 20:57

Why can't your partner or someone else watch the kids?

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