Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless friend only wants to meet in the afternoon

161 replies

Usernamqwerty · 26/06/2019 20:10

My DC are nearly 3 and nearly 1 and both nap in the afternoon (in car / at home). I am trying to arrange to meet a friend at the weekend (who works FT). She lives about 45 mins away and doesn't drive (we are semi-rural, 5 minute drive to the station). Am offering to meet at a park near her. Explained we would get there for around 11am, eat lunch out and then I'd have to leave around 14:30 so the kids can nap in the car.

Except she's only willing to meet in the afternoon (because she stays up late watching TV) so gets up really late. And she's always sodding late as well, sometimes up to an hour... 😩.

I said we'd be there for 11 and she said she can do 12 which will inevitably be 13:00 and then we'll only have an hour or so with her.

Every time we arrange to meet we have this issue. AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

I don't want to have a 90 minute drive for the sake of an hour 😟.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 27/06/2019 16:45

she definitely wants to see the kids (I don't inflict them on anyone without checking first!)

You say that, like many parents would, but it doesn't mean it's true. It's a rare parent who wouldn't hold it against a childfree friend who said "your children bore me rigid, please let's meet without them" especially if it's on a repeated basis. At some point the childfree friend has to "take one for the team" and express joy/feign interest in seeing the kids or risk the friendship falling apart.

You sound very wrapped up in yourself. Have you never wondered why your friend stays up so late then wants to stay in bed the next morning? Or cancels so frequently, especially at short notice? These are often classic symptoms of depression. Maybe she's fine and it's just her lifestyle preference but if it's never crossed your mind that there might be something more going on here, maybe it should.

JS57 · 27/06/2019 17:55

Does she specifically want / need to see the children . ?
If not then maybe meet without them on an evening or weekend .

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/06/2019 18:13

i get the sleep thing, my 2yr loves her sleep and horrible if doesnt get a nap

but will happily nap in car

if friend def wants to see you and kids then

  1. arrange to meet 230/3 and set off at 1 and take a book to read while they nap once there
  2. arrange for her to come to you via train and arrive 12/1 and have a chat while kids asleep then sher can see them nce awake
  3. meet without kids
nuxe1984 · 27/06/2019 18:16

If she works full time, how comes she stays up late watching TV and then doesn't get up until noon?

HollaHolla · 27/06/2019 18:16

33 month old? I’m 512 months old. 🤦🏻‍♀️
Why not just say your 2.5 year old?

poopypants · 27/06/2019 18:32

HundredMilesAnHour do you routinely fill in non existent gaps with imaginings? The OP has explained that the friend wants to see the dc on this occasion. Why in heavens name would you decide that the OP is deluded? Ffs, you need to have some trust that people are speaking the truth without second guessing everything. The OP clearly said that they meet up without the dc but on this occasion, the friend wanted to see the dc. I think we can just go with that and not invalidate what people are telling us. As for your huge leap into depression territory, you really need to rein in your swirling mind.

SerenDippitty · 27/06/2019 18:48

If she works full time, how comes she stays up late watching TV and then doesn't get up until noon?

She does that on a Friday night. Hence she doesn’t want to meet early on Saturday morning.

BethanyGilbert · 27/06/2019 19:05

I cannot stand people who are a slave to their children’s nap schedule. My daughter never had a set nap time and irs done her no harm.

Bookworm4 · 27/06/2019 19:14

@pictish
Agreed, my lot never had a set time though 4pm was the cut off and have never put a child to bed for mid day nap, just snooze on the go or on the sofa. These militant routines are a mystery to me.

EllenMP · 27/06/2019 19:15

Why not let your kids nap in the car on the way there and meet her at 3:30? Or, as others have said, have her come to you.

Passthegin99 · 27/06/2019 19:20

Good god you're getting a lot of stick, OP! I agree with you. I would be offended if my 'friend' didn't value time with me over an extra hour of telly. It's not like you're sayingng she has to do this every weekend! Frankly I'd drop her down a friendship tier (nice to have but not fussed) and focus on people who give a shit.

Fowles94 · 27/06/2019 19:24

Why aren't people reading OPs replies?

loveyou3000 · 27/06/2019 19:24

Childless living at home friend is in a sulk with me right now because I cannot drop everything for a holiday, without my DD. I'm not sure how she expects me to pay for this trip with actual pennies in my account (don't get more money until SEPTEMBER!), or what she expects me to do with my toddler, I can't just dump her on someone for a week with less than a week's notice Hmm some people just don't quite understand what it's like with little people in tow

Yabbers · 27/06/2019 19:46

No way would I have gotten up early at the weekend to fit around someone who had kids - I made the most of not having them!

Thankfully my friends were more accommodating and less selfish than this. They understood that for a short while, if they wanted to see us, it had to work around DDs naps. And when they had kids I did the same.

GPatz · 27/06/2019 19:49

So many people 'surprised' that other children do not have the same sleeping routines as their own Hmm

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 27/06/2019 19:52

'Maybe what she really wants to say is she wants to meet up with just you, no kids'

Oh right so what's the OP meant to do with them then, lock them in the downstairs toilet til she gets back? Hmm

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 27/06/2019 19:53

'Just because you haven't chosen to reproduce it doesn't mean you have 'no commitments' and that your free time is any less precious than that of those who have chosen to reproduce'

Lying on your arsehole in bed all morning isn't a commitment, kids or no kids.

LovePoppy · 27/06/2019 20:33

Lying on your arsehole in bed all morning isn't a commitment, kids or no kids.

Perhaps not

But it is a valid life choice

Rainbowsandglitterbullshit · 27/06/2019 20:49

It’s child FREE not LESS! Some choose a life without children.l unfortunately this forum is full of women who think the world revolves around their children.

IcedPurple · 27/06/2019 21:26

Lying on your arsehole in bed all morning isn't a commitment, kids or no kids.

Well no.

But maybe she has all sorts of other commitments which mean she values the chance to 'lie on her arsehole' (seriously could your language be any more contemptuous?) for a few hours every weekend, rather than having other people's kids scream in her ear?

LolaSmiles · 27/06/2019 21:30

Lying on your arsehole in bed all morning isn't a commitment, kids or no kids.
However people wish to spend their time is up to them. I'm an early riser but if someone wants to have a lie in them that's entirely up to them.
They don't have to fit around someone's inflexible parenting and a belief the world revolves around their child's nap times.

2 parents with their own routines have to find a way to meet that suits them both, usually involving some flexibility on both sides. 2 child free friends have to find a way that suits them both. That's how adult life works. What doesn't work is 'I have a child and you don't so everything we do should fit around my children's schedule because I have a child and you don't'. Normal friendship rules still apply.

bringincrazyback · 27/06/2019 21:35

have nothing against people watching television (am very fond of it myself ;)). However, I think it's inconsiderate that someone would stay up late (we're talking 2am here) watching TV when they know they are meeting someone the next morning who's a) driven 45 mins to see them, b) meeting them at a park a 5 minute bus ride from there house and b) we're not meeting until 11 (which isn't exactly early :-!)

Are you sure she doesn't have a sleep disorder? If she does then she may be hardwired not to be able to sleep till late. I have delayed sleep phase syndrome and it keeps me awake till at least 2 a.m. most nights (often later), which does make 11 feel rather early for doing social stuff tbh. She may be watching TV because she knows she wouldn't sleep if she went to bed, rather than actively keeping herself awake watching it.

GlamGiraffe · 27/06/2019 21:47

I think YABU. Having children doesn't mean you have priority. She works FT so equally wanted to spend her weekends in the manner of her choice. Either leave the kids with someone and meet her or let the baby sleep in the pram, and it's highly likely if it's somewhere relatively exciting the 3yo will stay awake anyway and might just doze off on the way home. At 3 (s)he must be at The end of napping needs so an realistically probably do without from time to time now anyway.
You are saying your friend is being inflexible, look at yourself, how open to options are you being. Both people need to give and take. It's a rare event. Bend your rules from time to time.

manicmij · 27/06/2019 23:29

Your friend has no children, perhaps she doesn't want to spend time in her weekend with you AND your children. Can't you go meet her on your own. Otherwise invite her to yours.

StoppinBy · 28/06/2019 04:24

@ICEDPURPLE For starters you only used half of my opinion to try and prove your own point had validity.

Secondly, in any situation where one person had genuine commitments such as work, caring for relatives, other plans or yes, god forbid, children and their naps I would hope if the other person didn't have any commitments that day that they would be considerate of their friends plans.

@PP who 'can't understand why people are so vigilant about nap time routines' - not all children take kindly to missing naps and an overtired child can be a real nightmare to get to bed at night. If your child is flexible that's great for you but assuming it's easy for everyone is wrong.