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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless friend only wants to meet in the afternoon

161 replies

Usernamqwerty · 26/06/2019 20:10

My DC are nearly 3 and nearly 1 and both nap in the afternoon (in car / at home). I am trying to arrange to meet a friend at the weekend (who works FT). She lives about 45 mins away and doesn't drive (we are semi-rural, 5 minute drive to the station). Am offering to meet at a park near her. Explained we would get there for around 11am, eat lunch out and then I'd have to leave around 14:30 so the kids can nap in the car.

Except she's only willing to meet in the afternoon (because she stays up late watching TV) so gets up really late. And she's always sodding late as well, sometimes up to an hour... 😩.

I said we'd be there for 11 and she said she can do 12 which will inevitably be 13:00 and then we'll only have an hour or so with her.

Every time we arrange to meet we have this issue. AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

I don't want to have a 90 minute drive for the sake of an hour 😟.

OP posts:
cheesemongery · 26/06/2019 21:42

I ditched a friend like this about 20 years ago. She lived in town - a 5 minute walk to the bus station. I lived rurally - one bus an hour (fold the buggy down days) so knew exactly when I would be arriving with my one year old and she'd often be up to an hour late with no clue of what I'd been through just to make the bloody bus on time. Then she'd phone repeatedly at 7pm crying about her boyf in spite of knowing it was bed time for ds.

Anyway that was all me me me Grin

I think sometimes some people either just don't get it or are too self centred to care - staying up late... pffft.

TanMateix · 26/06/2019 21:44

She has no children, she cannot understand where are you coming from, but that doesn’t mean you are right and she is wrong.

She may be feeling equally unappreciated knowing you can only meet her between nap times and when it suits your children. Having said that, it seems to me you are a different times in your life and while she is so childless and you so focused in routines, it may be better to take a little holiday from each other to save the friendship.

When my kid was young, missing a nap brew feelings of Armageddon coming, a routine broken forever, the return of the sleepless nights. Now I know that if you wake them up at the same time the next day, they are back in their usual routine whether they are waking up at home or on the other side of the planet.

TanMateix · 26/06/2019 21:45

Besides, you also need time with your friends, get someone to babysit so you don’t forget that there is much more to you than being just “mum”.

dustarr73 · 26/06/2019 21:46

God i hated the park and i have kids.Arrange to collect her,drive there and back and your kids will have their nap.

cheesemongery · 26/06/2019 21:46

ps that's not the only reason I ditched her, she was a control freak and even started making clothes for me that matched hers... another story!

Silenttype · 26/06/2019 21:53

My eldest napped til almost 4 years old, never had a problem with bedtime. 2 year old still naps 2-3 hours a day.
I have never expected childless friends, or friends with scbool ahe children to work round my children, i would just say when making plans 'i can do x time due to dd nap around 12, if this doesn't suit you we can rearrange'
I've only just started skippin 2 year olds naps for the odd day out because she is a nightmare without one an we all have a miserable afternoon.

Ginger1982 · 26/06/2019 21:56

Why can't you either meet her without your kids or have her come to your house? Just because you have kids doesn't mean your wants take priority over someone who doesn't. And I say that as someone who has kids.

RosaWaiting · 26/06/2019 21:56

She doesn’t have to fit round your kids
You don’t have to fit round her tv
But the fact she’s always late would finish it for me anyway!

QuimReaper · 26/06/2019 22:08

Oh God, we don't have kids yet but this attitude from our friends that do is driving me bananas!

I threw a big kid-friendly Easter lunch a few weeks ago - made a special picnic on the lawn for the kids, a big spread for the adults (of which there were 8), had colouring stuff and plasticine and balls especially, and we put on a big Easter egg hunt for them.

One couple said their kids normally eat lunch "by 12" so I asked if we could make it 12 so I had half a chance in hell of having everything ready in time (and being presentable myself). They said that would be fine, then blithely rolled up at 11:25 AngryAngry Then the kids ran around for a good 45 minutes ignoring the picnic, and only started eating anything when I prompted the parents, saying that they might want to get some real food in them before the egg hunt and inevitable chocolate fest. I found it so incredibly rude.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/06/2019 22:25

Thanks for all your comments! Sorry, I shouldn't assume that she should fit around my schedule - didn't mean to make blanket assumptions that those without kids should fit in around those that do. It's just that my friend can be more flexible than me with timings as she doesn't have a toddler who goes bananas with hunger and tiredness at certain points!

Yes, I have met up with her twice recently on her own just the two of us. This time she wants to see the kids too!

I am leaning towards inviting her over for the afternoon and then we can have a proper chat while the kids nap.

Thanks for all your suggestions :-)

OP posts:
KittyWindbag · 26/06/2019 22:33

I’m going Against the grain - I think she’s an adult, it’s easier for her to be flexible than you when you have the needs of two small kids to consider. She’s totally within her rights to stay up late watching tv - that came across super judgey - but there’s no excuse for always being late especially if she doesn’t have to wrangle two kids to get out the door. I have a friend like this and it drives me insane.

To be frank this friendship doesn’t sound like it’s going to last.

HennyPennyHorror · 26/06/2019 22:42

I HAVE got kids and when they were small, my friend who also has kids used to annoy me SO much with this rigidity over their bloody naps!

It's very unhealthy to try and keep to a set schedule like this because you never get any freedom and are trying constantly to make others work around your child's nap!

Ridiculous.

She'd stay in all afternoon every day ffs. Mine both had a time when they'd be tired but if we were out and about, the 1 year old would nap in her buggy and to be honest, a 3 year old should be able to cope without a nap....at LEAST for one day. Many completely.

NoSquirrels · 26/06/2019 22:52

A gracious reply OP!

cdtaylornats · 26/06/2019 23:04

AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

Yes you are. Kids are not the be all and end all.

poopypants · 26/06/2019 23:10

I seem to be a minority here but I think she should accommodate your needs. You are accommodating her needs by making the 45min drive to see her. She can be expected to make some effort too.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/06/2019 23:18

Oh man, naps! 🙈 I do hate the lack of flexibility, but unfortunately both kids (especially the baby) go bananas with overtiredness if they don't nap at their usual time. I've had some days out spolit by meeting friends / family and they wave us goodbye and then I have two cranky crying kids to deal with 🙁, especially because their naptime is usually my downtime at home with a brew and some TV! Am somewhat looking forward to life not revolving around naps (although I will miss the downtime). Swings and roundabouts!

OP posts:
Louiselouie0890 · 26/06/2019 23:19

Yabu to think people should fit round people with kids. However, if it can't be worked out then don't make the effort

SandyY2K · 26/06/2019 23:22

Can't you arrange an evening out with her, without your DC?

redcarbluecar · 26/06/2019 23:23

If she's an hour late every time you arrange to meet her, that's really annoying. Could you say something to her about this? I'd expect a friend to tell me if I had a lateness habit that was causing irritation and inconvenience.

In the rest of your post, I think you seem oddly preoccupied with the fact that she's "childless". What's that got to do with it? She can watch TV and stay up late all she likes; the unreliability around social arrangements is the issue here, and someone with children could easily have this trait too.

I haven't got children. I still understand the time pressures of those who do. And I would expect a friend to respect my time too.

HollaHolla · 26/06/2019 23:24

YA-so-BU expecting a childless person to fit in with your schedule, simply because your fecundity rules your day. The childless amongst us have commitments, feel tired, and want to do other things. We don’t hang about, waiting to fit in with your every whim.

MarthasGinYard · 26/06/2019 23:26

Doesn't sound like she really wants to see the dc really. Probably feels she should.

I'd stick to meeting her of an evening or when it's just the two of you.

I wouldn't faff around TBH

LovePoppy · 26/06/2019 23:37

I totally get the need for naps. My 3 and 5yr old still nap most days.

Could you nap them early to meet your friend later?

This is going to require flexibility on both your parts.

But yeah, your time, your toddlers tantrums, your schedule? Not more important than hers. Even if it’s just “staying up late watching TV”.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/06/2019 23:49

LovePoppy how does the 5yo fit a nap in with school? Do you find they go to bed late then on nap days?

mellicauli · 26/06/2019 23:50

With friends it should be give and take but here:

  • you are driving 90 minutes to see her
  • she often keeps you waiting
  • you'll have to suffer the fall out of kids not having had their naps

If timing is the thing she doesn't want to compromise on, suggest she comes to you on the train in the afternoon then you can all go out in the car together. That way she gets the timing she wants, the kids get their naps and if she's late you'll at least be at home not sitting in park with nothing to do.

MsTSwift · 27/06/2019 00:07

Yanbu for a few years you have tiny kids surely an adult can fit in with them if she wants to see you? I think the ops schedule is more important because it’s not a choice her kids are so young the friends schedule is her whim. A real friend would cut you some slack. My kids much older but as a family we all do whatever is easiest for my youngest sister as her kids still toddlers. Adults and older kids more adaptable