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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless friend only wants to meet in the afternoon

161 replies

Usernamqwerty · 26/06/2019 20:10

My DC are nearly 3 and nearly 1 and both nap in the afternoon (in car / at home). I am trying to arrange to meet a friend at the weekend (who works FT). She lives about 45 mins away and doesn't drive (we are semi-rural, 5 minute drive to the station). Am offering to meet at a park near her. Explained we would get there for around 11am, eat lunch out and then I'd have to leave around 14:30 so the kids can nap in the car.

Except she's only willing to meet in the afternoon (because she stays up late watching TV) so gets up really late. And she's always sodding late as well, sometimes up to an hour... 😩.

I said we'd be there for 11 and she said she can do 12 which will inevitably be 13:00 and then we'll only have an hour or so with her.

Every time we arrange to meet we have this issue. AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

I don't want to have a 90 minute drive for the sake of an hour 😟.

OP posts:
londonrach · 26/06/2019 21:02

Yabvvvu and very nasty and tbh very rude thinking just because you kids your needs trump hers. They dont. You both have needs, just different, neither is more important. However her lateness and inflexibility id suggest she meets at yours. Do you value her as a friend.

Namechange042012 · 26/06/2019 21:03

If they don't drive offer to pick her up, kids can sleep in the car on the way back or when you get back, then when they wake bit if ,I have and run her home ?
That's if you want to see her ?

jennymanara · 26/06/2019 21:03

tbh when I was childless, meeting in the park with a friend and her very young kids would not have been that appealing. The truth is that you will have to constantly see to your kids and she will get very very little time to actually talk to you. This sounds more like the kind of meet up you would do with a friend who also has kids.
Can't you meet in the evening instead?

Poetryinaction · 26/06/2019 21:04

Give the kids an early lunch. They nap in the car. Spend the afternoon with your friend. I don't see the big deal.

londonrach · 26/06/2019 21:05

My dd still naps aged 3 by the way as does every dc i know of her age. I meet friends after or take her in buggy.

RedPanda2 · 26/06/2019 21:06

I don't think the OP is getting the answers she wanted so has bolted!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 26/06/2019 21:08

AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

A little, yes; I think a bit of give and take on both sides may be the order of the day.

Namechange042012 · 26/06/2019 21:09

If I'm honest though I would have to agree with @jennymanara.
I think when you are actually the parent tending to our kids we probably don't realise how often we attend to them , and inadvertently "neglect" our friend.

I know when the family come to see our DS, I could be talking Mongolian and no one would care as my son had just finger up his nose or something equally "hilarious" and far more important than what I'm saying 😂😂😂

Babymamamama · 26/06/2019 21:09

You sound a bit like you are dictating by stating you will be there at 11. Eat by midday etc etc. It should be more of a negotiation when you meet up with someone whether you have kids or not. I suggest if you do value her ask your parents/partner or whoever to watch the kids while you go out on her timescale for dinner or whatever. I think it’s quite tiresome for some people who don’t have kids when those who do bring them along at every opportunity.

BlueMerchant · 26/06/2019 21:09

When I was child-free I don't think I'd want to get out of bed to meet a friend and her young children in the park. Hardly scintillating for her.
Could you not meet up just the two of you and go for a coffee while a friend or family member looked after DC for a couple of hours?

Sandybval · 26/06/2019 21:11

It's annoying that she is often late, but it is unreasonable to assume that everyone should work around friends' children. Obviously they need to understand that it's not always possible to meet at certain times, but maybe she knows this and doesn't really want to see you? Just because your life revolves around your little ones naps not everyone's do!

IcedPurple · 26/06/2019 21:11

Why have you repeated your OP?

If your friend is consistently late, then that is rude and annoying.

However, she doesn't have to drop everything just to fit in with your priorities. Your children, after all, are your children, not hers. If you genuinely want to meet her, arrange childcare or call her and work out a time which is suitable for both of you.

However, judging by your posts I'm not sure that you do actually want to meet her. Which is fine. Up to you.

TalkinAboutManetManet · 26/06/2019 21:12

AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

I think I can see why she’s trying to avoid spending time with you.

TellMeStraightSir · 26/06/2019 21:17

AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

YABU just for this statement alone.

You say she works FT, perhaps she just wants a lie in on her day off?

BeansandRice · 26/06/2019 21:22

AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

What an arrogant, self-centred thing to say.

UnaCorda · 26/06/2019 21:27

AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

That sort of sentiment is likely to be the death of a friendship with a childless woman, especially if she is sensitive about the issue rather than happily childfree.

blackteasplease · 26/06/2019 21:27

I think yanbu to object to the lateness. She shouldn't agree to a plan she has no intention of keeping to.

She doesnt have to meet when you say but a bit of give and take on both sides would be useful. Lots of PPs have made helpful suggestions (lots have been a bit harsh bearing in mind you are trying to see your friend) - meeting at home or her house, without the kids, after naps if with them etc.

Squirrelblanket · 26/06/2019 21:28

You completely lost me when you suggested that she should work around your kids. Newsflash, your time isn't more important than hers just because you've reproduced.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/06/2019 21:30

If she can only meet in the afternoon, and you need to be at home in the afternoon then surely the easy option is for her to come to you?

If it must be out somewhere then after their nap. And tell her an hour earlier than you are able to arrive.

Or have someone/kids dad have the kids every now and again and meet childfree.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 26/06/2019 21:32

Can your youngest nap in their pushchair? Does your three year old really need a nap? I've always been pretty flexible re naps in pushchairs etc instead of putting them down in a cot (accept for when I was haggard and also wanted some time to myself). It seems to be that you are both a bit inflexible with your routines. In which case, is it worth trying to make it work? Could you meet one evening instead?

Sorka · 26/06/2019 21:33

Like lots of PP I think she wants to meet you without your kids. I used to meet friends with young children at nap times so we could have a conversation.

Can’t she come to you on the train for a coffee during nap time?

Cookit · 26/06/2019 21:34

After with PPs, you’re both being inflexible.

Surely the youngest can nap earlier and you meet at 2pm? Or they nap in the pram whilst out and about? Or if they need the nap in the afternoon only that it gets pushed back to to 3 or 3.30?

For that matter, why can’t both do their 2.30 car nap on the way there and you meet later rather than earlier?

vincettenoir · 26/06/2019 21:40

I don’t think you’re that unreasonable for expecting her to be flexible for the needs of all 3 of you. That said if she doesn’t want to get up early there’s not much you can do with that. Unless someone else could take care of the kids, which would be the ideal.

LolaSmiles · 26/06/2019 21:40

AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?
YAB very U

She's being unreasonable by being late so often.
You're being unreasonable by expecting your friends to fit in around your daily routine. There needs to be some give and take here. How would 3 people with kids ever meet up if everyone expected their friends to fit their routine to the nth degree?

Motherofacat · 26/06/2019 21:42

I'm childless and also have a very demanding fulltime job so totally get why she would rather a lie in on a Saturday morning that deal with two toddlers.
I also have friends that expect me to drop everything to fit in with their family schedule and not mind sitting watching on while they fuss over their children while I'm trying to have a conversation. I dont catch up with some friends now as frankly it was too much work.