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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless friend only wants to meet in the afternoon

161 replies

Usernamqwerty · 26/06/2019 20:10

My DC are nearly 3 and nearly 1 and both nap in the afternoon (in car / at home). I am trying to arrange to meet a friend at the weekend (who works FT). She lives about 45 mins away and doesn't drive (we are semi-rural, 5 minute drive to the station). Am offering to meet at a park near her. Explained we would get there for around 11am, eat lunch out and then I'd have to leave around 14:30 so the kids can nap in the car.

Except she's only willing to meet in the afternoon (because she stays up late watching TV) so gets up really late. And she's always sodding late as well, sometimes up to an hour... 😩.

I said we'd be there for 11 and she said she can do 12 which will inevitably be 13:00 and then we'll only have an hour or so with her.

Every time we arrange to meet we have this issue. AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

I don't want to have a 90 minute drive for the sake of an hour 😟.

OP posts:
QuimReaper · 27/06/2019 00:10

Sounds like a great solution OP, much better all round - you can chill out and not have to worry about driving and timings, and you get to catch up uninterrupted once they're down.

(And you can join her in a nap time gin and tonic!)

MrsMiggins37 · 27/06/2019 00:15

I have kids and I work in a full on job and I wouldn’t accept an invitation to go out at 11am on a Saturday. Fuck that, I’m lucky if I’m dressed then, although I’m up!

Assuming it’s a weekend, can your children stay with their father? (Assuming he’s around). Or meet later in the afternoon?

I’d be hacked off at having to do a 90 min round trip because she doesn’t drive though. Can’t you meet somewhere half way?

maloofhoof · 27/06/2019 00:22

So you begrudge her "downtime" watching tv late at night but also want to get home for nap time which is your downtime to do the same thing?

LovePoppy · 27/06/2019 02:44

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz, school starts this fall. I’m dreading it. Pick up is during nap, so both will have to stop.

Bed is 730 ish. My kids really, really need sleep. Quite like me.

Yeahnahmum · 27/06/2019 02:57

Just put the kids in the car at their naptime. Then they can sleep whilst you drive over there (might have to do a bit of a detour so they can sleep longer) and then meet up with her at 3. But point out to her she actually needs to be there at 3
Because showing up 1 hr late is so rude!!

Also: dont expect childless people to want to meet two toddlers at 11am when it is weekend and it is a chance for a biiig sleep in Grin i certainly wouldn't want to

StoppinBy · 27/06/2019 03:48

I was pretty strict with nap times for my first which was a PITA as she had 2 x 2hr naps right up until she was almost three and then 1 x 2hr nap over lunch time until she was almost 4 (she also slept 12 hr nights so I was very lucky), my youngest who is now 2 has a 1 1/2 - 2hr nap over lunch time and I also pretty strict about that as his night sleep is definitely thrown out if his day sleep is thrown out.

That being said, yes I would hope that people who have no commitments would be more flexible but if they wouldn't I would have just been inflexible myself as well with regards to sleep and if that meant we couldn't do a catch up then so be it.

I think YABU to EXPECT her to change her plans to suit you and she is BU to not be more considerate, neither of you has to give in if you don't want to but you both then need to accept that you can't find a time to meet up.

SummerSix · 27/06/2019 04:10

Doesnt sound like shes prepared to make the effort. Ans frequently late is just rude

redcarbluecar · 27/06/2019 05:24

Don’t assume that because someone doesn’t have children they don’t want to be around children. Not saying you have made that assumption; just catching the implication here and there. I love seeing my friends’ kids. I’d be a bit pissed off if we arranged to meet in a bar in the evening and they were brought along, but I’d expect them to be there if we were going to a park in the day.
But you know your friend and perhaps have a sense of whether she’s really arsed about meeting up or not. And hopefully you can talk to her. It’s not unreasonable for children’s nap times to be a factor in daytime arrangements, but its importance as part of a routine may need to be made clear. The lateness sounds like the major issue anyway.

TheStuffedPenguin · 27/06/2019 06:08

Also, what time do you kids go to bed

As an aside, does your 3 YO still need a nap?

And so it starts.......

Wheresthecoffee92 · 27/06/2019 06:09

I don't understand people who are so militant about their children's nap times. The world doesn't revolve around when your children sleep and your kids won't suffer if have a nap at a different time that day. It's only in the UK that this seems to be a 'thing' - I've lived all over the world and never seen routines being so obsessively stuck to anywhere else!

pictish · 27/06/2019 06:26

I agree with you coffee...I don’t get the rigid nap schedule either. I certainly didn’t live like that when my three were babies.

You will have people argue that their kids become unmanageable if they don’t have a nap at the exact time decreed but mine would sleep in the buggy if they were that tired. As babies they napped on the go, in restaurants, the car, walking along the street etc. By the time they were 3 it meant an early night or a short nap before tea instead. Nothing was ever set in stone and as a result I wasn’t restricted by routines.

I appreciate that all babies and children are different but so too are parents. I didn’t want to be limited to the house or nap times so they had to adapt, not me.

poopypants · 27/06/2019 08:16

With friends it should be give and take but here:
- you are driving 90 minutes to see her
- she often keeps you waiting
- you'll have to suffer the fall out of kids not having had their naps

This^^

Why everyone is so incensed at the suggestion that the child free friend makes even the slightest compromise to fit in with childcare needs of the OP whilst being completely unconcerned that the OP is making ALL the compromises for th child free friend.Hmm

TanMateix · 27/06/2019 08:23

I think the friend is rude, but the op’s restrictive routines are going to create the same situation with other people regardless of them being in time or not.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2019 09:58

Why everyone is so incensed at the suggestion that the child free friend makes even the slightest compromise to fit in with childcare needs I don't think it's that she shouldn't compromise to work around the kids, it's the whole vibe from op that as per fruit of her womb, her time is more important, she's more important, her s hedule and life choices are more important.

headinhands · 27/06/2019 10:01

Why on earth are you trying to meet up again when she's always late? Sounds like it's better just to chat on the phone than trying to meet in rl

TellMeStraightSir · 27/06/2019 10:28

Why everyone is so incensed at the suggestion that the child free friend makes even the slightest compromise to fit in with childcare needs of the OP

It's not that, it's the tone of the OPs post. The quite obvious dig about staying up watching TV and the expectation that childless people should work around those with children as if their time is not filled with anything of importance so why wouldn't they?

Snog · 27/06/2019 10:33

Sometimes people say they want to see your kids just to be polite and because they know you would like it if they wanted to. But actually they don't enjoy spending time with dc and find it annoying. Could this be the case here?

kmammamalto · 27/06/2019 10:39

Why oh why do people get so involved in why or when or how other people's kids nap?! It literally doesn't affect you if her three yo still naps and doesn't have anything to do with the real issue in the OP!
Jeez, people's own parenting choices should just be accepted and generally it's that they are doing the best for their own children.... who ya know, they know better than we do!?

FrenchJunebug · 27/06/2019 10:51

AIBU to assume that someone without kids should try and fit in with someone's kids' schedule?

just for that yabu. Having children doesn't mean people have to stop living their life.

Her0utdoors · 27/06/2019 11:01

Tell her you can schedule meeting up late 2021 when nap times are no longer part if your routine.
No one messes with nap time on my watch!

ImpracticalCape · 27/06/2019 11:12

Why are you suggesting you meet in a park? Why not one of your houses or a restaurant. The dear children can then sleep in their own beds or a buggy and two adults can have their own time rather than being organised around the perceived needs of tiny dictators.

If a child owner suggested I meet in a park I'd tell them to get lost.

LovePoppy · 27/06/2019 13:28

@Wheresthecoffee92, When my kids were much smaller I was very militant about naps because if they didn’t nap properly and on time they didn’t sleep at night.
Drove my inlaws nuts as Their other grandchildren would do just fine without naps.

Nap schedule and sleep schedule however it is my problem. And I would make plans around them. And if something didn’t work out well maybe next time. It was very rare I’d deviate, Because it was not worth being up all night for one night and possibly up to three nights. My kids thrived on schedules

IcedPurple · 27/06/2019 16:01

yes I would hope that people who have no commitments would be more flexible

This is a very typical attitude, unfortunately. Just because you haven't chosen to reproduce it doesn't mean you have 'no commitments' and that your free time is any less precious than that of those who have chosen to reproduce.

BeansandRice · 27/06/2019 16:20

Just because you haven't chosen to reproduce it doesn't mean you have 'no commitments' and that your free time is any less precious than that of those who have chosen to reproduce

This is true, and really important to say in a society where women who haven't had children are routinely devalued and criticised.

A generous friend might try to be flexible for you, but what is unreasonable is your arrogant assumption that she should be flexible. It shows that you regard your time & routine as innately more valuable than hers. That you don't value your friend's time or lifestyle.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 27/06/2019 16:28

Thanks for all your replies.

To answer some of your questions (including those who didn't see my second post):

  • yes, she definitely wants to see the kids (I don't inflict them on anyone without checking first!). The last three times we have met have been just the two of us but she wanted to see the kids this time
  • yes, my 33mo does still need a nap :-)
  • I have nothing against people watching television (am very fond of it myself ;)). However, I think it's inconsiderate that someone would stay up late (we're talking 2am here) watching TV when they know they are meeting someone the next morning who's a) driven 45 mins to see them, b) meeting them at a park a 5 minute bus ride from there house and b) we're not meeting until 11 (which isn't exactly early :-!)

In any event, she's arranged to come to mine on Sunday because it's going to be 30° and we have air-conditioning...

As for the lateness, I think I'll have to grow a backbone and have a chat with her. It's not just lateness though - she cancels on me about 2/3 of the time, sometimes at very short notice 🤔.

OP posts: