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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to be away from my 22 month old for 4 days?

147 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 16:38

My husband is throwing a bit of a strop and telling me I'm ungrateful because I've said I feel anxious about being away from our 22 month old son for 3 nights/4 days so we can go away together.

Earlier this year, as a surprise, my husband booked us a mini city break which we are due to go on next month.

When he told me about it I was obviously very touched by his romantic gesture but at the back of my mind I was thinking that I wish he'd asked me first because I would have said I didn't feel ready to be away from our son for that long. I put my negative thoughts to the back of my head but now, as the departure date is getting nearer I'm really starting to worry about being away from him for so long.

He's still breast fed, he's got a very strong attachment to me, in fact his clingy-ness has really ramped up over the last few weeks, and he still wakes up at least once during the night and usually it's only me he settles for.

My husband had made arrangements for both our son's to be cared for separately which includes them being spread across grandparents, uncles and family friends.

So not only am I worried about how my youngest is going to cope with not seeing me for 4 days, but he's also going to be separated from his older brother for 4 days too. I'm just worried that it's going to be really unsettling for him because he won't understand why his parents and brother have suddenly disappeared.

My husband sensed that something was wrong when we were sorting out our travel arrangements last night so I was honest with him and said that although I was looking forward to the trip, on another hand I was dreading it because of being away from our youngest for that length of time and worrying about how he'd cope with it.

I probably shouldn't have used the term "dreading it" as I think that's what upset my husband but they were just the words that came out of my mouth.

I've told him that it's not like I don't want to go, because I genuinely do and I told him that I'm looking forward to us spending some quality time together, but nor can I help having that small part of me that doesn't want to be away from our youngest son for so long.

So now he's telling me how ungrateful I am etc and it's caused a huge atmosphere between us.

AIBU to feel this anxious and to have told him? He's making me feel like I'm completely overreacting. Maybe I am, I don't know.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 26/06/2019 16:41

Yanbu. Mine are 5 and 7 now but I would still expect to be consulted about time away from them. Many would be happy to have few days away from a 22month old dc but I wouldn't. It shouldn't be decided for you.

BlueMerchant · 26/06/2019 16:44

I'd be very anxious too. Lovely thought but in reality it just doesn't feel right and I completely understand that.
Is there no way this can be put off till a later date. If not my first thought would be taking little one with us.
If you do go your husband will have to sort alternative provision for dc as it will be awful them being separated and will make you even more anxious.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 26/06/2019 16:46

When do you go? Is there time to do a trial run first? What are the arrangements if you get a call from GP saying they or your son isn't coping.

I'd probably have done an overnight away an hour or so away first just to check how it went

But to be honest, you cant help how you feel and you have been honest about it, would he rather you lie? You can be grateful for something and worried about it at the same time! It is upsetting when you feel like you've put a lot of effort into something and whoever you've done it for isn't being positive about it but it's not like hes 12 hes little and may not fully understand

Tallgreenbottle · 26/06/2019 16:49

Would you like to take my 24m old and I'll go instead? Not even remotely kidding.

Pinkfinkle · 26/06/2019 16:51

YANBU. I wouldn’t like the idea of siblings being separated, are they half siblings? Just trying to understand why he’s chosen to do that...

It sounds like it’s too much, too soon considering your one year old is still BF and attached to you.

Expressedways · 26/06/2019 16:58

This really should have been a joint decision and he’s put you in a horrible position where it’s either go even though you don’t want to it be branded ungrateful and unromantic. It’s very unfair of him. Personally I do think you should be able to leave a 22 month old for a few nights but this shouldn’t be forced upon you for the sake of a mini break. I wonder if he’s arranged it as a surprise on purpose, claiming it’s romantic but really it’s because he knows you’d never agree to leaving the youngest?

Is there anything to be done regarding the childcare? Can they not stay together with one set of caregivers for the entire break? You might feel more comfortable if the childcare arrangements weren’t so cobbled together. But if you really don’t want to go then don’t, his fault for arranging a holiday without discussing it with you first.

RightYesButNo · 26/06/2019 17:01

I think there’s two issues here. If you had asked, “AIBU to think it’s wrong to leave my 22-month-old son?” I would have said, yes, YABU, because it’s not wrong. But you’ve asked, “AIBU to feel so anxious about it?” And the thing is that we can’t help how we feel about things, so no, YANBU, though maybe making things a bit harder for yourself. Yes, maybe you could have worded it slightly better to your husband, but you have a right to feel the way you do. Have you ever left your son with others for a night? I think that would be an issue for me. You sort of work up to 3-4 nights with trial runs of 1 night then 2 nights, like previous posters have mentioned. If he’s stayed with others overnight before, he’ll likely be just fine.

On the other hand... I don’t want to make a bad atmosphere even worse, but have you refused to leave him overnight with anyone else before now and this mini-break could be your husband’s way of forcing the issue? I’m sure it’s unlikely, unless this has come up before.

Settlersofcatan · 26/06/2019 17:02

I am wildly jealous - we have no one who would take our two year old even for one night to the point where I am probably going to have to give birth to our baby without my DH at the hospital.

Trying to put that aside, your son is nearly 2, I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to have assumed that you would be up for a trip away without him and I think you should give it a go. A practice run sounds like a good idea if you can.

mistermagpie · 26/06/2019 17:03

I wouldn't like it. My DH booked a two night trip earlier this year when DS2 was the same age as yours and DS1 was three. Neither was breastfed, and both to be staying together with MIL and I still felt a bit worried about leaving them! I was consulted though and we discussed it and that's what's missing in your situation. Personally I think four days and separation of siblings is too much for me to have done.

Is it abroad?

bellabasset · 26/06/2019 17:05

So lovely of your DH to have arranged this but if the youngest has never been away from you it's unfair to him and whoever is looking after him.

I think it's not so bad if they were going to be staying in their own home but in unfamiliar surroundings!

Cookit · 26/06/2019 17:07

Honestly I would not leave a child that age that long.. so you’re not alone. At 3 he’s never spent the night away from us but has done the odd night apart from either one of us (me for hospital stay giving birth to number 2),

PenguindreamsofDraco · 26/06/2019 17:07

I would no more have done this at 22 months than fly.

HollowTalk · 26/06/2019 17:08

I don't think it's fair on your child either and I wouldn't want to go on a trip like that. I know others feel differently but I wouldn't have been able to enjoy myself if I was away for so long.

Cornettoninja · 26/06/2019 17:10

Yanbu, you feel how you feel and it is different when you have a clingy/dependent dc.

My dp did something similar, he was banging on a about a trip that had been talked about before dd was born from the day she was born despite me pointing out we had no one to have her (family could have been arranged at a push but no one she had a decent relationship with due to distances involved) and then later on her nature which was to glue herself to my side. Knowing what I did the thought made me feel ill and it wasn’t a trip I was prepared to make despite being desperate for a break. We didn’t go and even a year later I know I made the right call.

Is it too late to do some practice runs? I don’t think four nights is ideal for your ds’s first time apart from you for the night and you may feel better if you know he can cope with one.

I also don’t understand why siblings are being split up. If anything your younger ds would benefit from his brother being there if he’s struggling being apart from you.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 17:11

He has made separate arrangements for the children because none of the grandparents are a 'set' - as my parents are divorced and MIL has sadly passed away - so he thought it was a bit much for a single grandparent to have both children at the same time. The same goes for the family friends and other relatives he has included, they are both single parents with their own children so he thought it a bit much to ask them to have both our boys on top of their own.

I have been away from my son overnight many times with work, but he's always been at home in his cot with his dad and brother too so I had nothing to be anxious about.

My husband had said our youngest will be fine, and I'm sure he will be but I still can't feel happy.

Maybe we need to sit down and try and find a way to keep the boys together so it won't be as unsettling.

OP posts:
hazandduck · 26/06/2019 17:11

See I am fine leaving my 19mo DD with DH but I have only left her overnight with someone else once. It feels completely different and out of their routine. YANBU OP and I don’t think you’ll enjoy yourself if you go feeling pressured in to it. Can’t you try and get some of your money back and book maybe just one night somewhere for now?

PetrichorRain · 26/06/2019 17:14

In your circumstances, I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving the little one. But I do think you need to expand the range of people he’s happy to be with. You should start letting his grandparents have him for a night every now and again, and try to get him used to his dad settiling him at night too. It’s great that you have a good bond but it’s also great for a toddler to have a wider circle of people he trusts and feels happy with. Not just so you can go away on a mini break, but also in case of emergencies when one or the other or you (or both) might be forced to spend time away from him (eg an illness or accident that meant you had to spend a few nights in hospital.

GingerFoxInAT0phat · 26/06/2019 17:15

I could have done it with my first, he was very confident and would have been happy left with anyone!

But my youngest son was very attached to only me and was breast fed up until around that age.

Can you do a trial night apart?

InezInez · 26/06/2019 17:16

I totally get how you feel but honestly your little one will be fine!!!! He will get so much attention toon from grandparents and will be totally spoiled. And it's going to be so amazing for you to have some kid free time with your husband.

Wheresthecoffee92 · 26/06/2019 17:17

YANBU at all! I'd be gutted if my husband booked a trip away from my young kids (similar age). I'd bring them Blush

UserUndone · 26/06/2019 18:02

I think it would be very traumatic for your DC. I had to go to hospital for the birth of my second (csection) and was away for a week and it was dreadful!

I wouldn't be leaving them.

MarinetteDupainCheng · 26/06/2019 18:02

At that age I’d have felt the same. I worked nights from the moment my maternity leave finished so my kids have always been used to me not being there at night, but they’ve been with their dad and sibling and seen me in the day, if very different from several days apart from everyone in their immediate family.

Is there no way to change either the arrangements for the kids so they can stay together or the travel arrangements to take them with you?

frenchknitting · 26/06/2019 18:11

I would be exactly the same. I would probably go if it was 2 nights, but I'd want them watched at home by a single person.

Napqueen1234 · 26/06/2019 18:15

I don’t mean to be harsh but I think YABU. 22 months is nearly 2 and that’s a perfectly reasonable age. You may be surprised how well he copes away from you for a very short amount of time in the grand scheme of things. Your DH has organised a nice weekend as a treat I would just enjoy it!

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 26/06/2019 18:18

I would love a planned trip away as I'm usually the organiser.If you're not used to being away from your sons yanbu to be a bit anxious but they will be with family and will probably be spoilt rotten.Go and enjoy your couple time.