AIBU to not want to be away from my 22 month old for 4 days?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My husband is throwing a bit of a strop and telling me I'm ungrateful because I've said I feel anxious about being away from our 22 month old son for 3 nights/4 days so we can go away together.

Earlier this year, as a surprise, my husband booked us a mini city break which we are due to go on next month.

When he told me about it I was obviously very touched by his romantic gesture but at the back of my mind I was thinking that I wish he'd asked me first because I would have said I didn't feel ready to be away from our son for that long. I put my negative thoughts to the back of my head but now, as the departure date is getting nearer I'm really starting to worry about being away from him for so long.

He's still breast fed, he's got a very strong attachment to me, in fact his clingy-ness has really ramped up over the last few weeks, and he still wakes up at least once during the night and usually it's only me he settles for.

My husband had made arrangements for both our son's to be cared for separately which includes them being spread across grandparents, uncles and family friends.

So not only am I worried about how my youngest is going to cope with not seeing me for 4 days, but he's also going to be separated from his older brother for 4 days too. I'm just worried that it's going to be really unsettling for him because he won't understand why his parents and brother have suddenly disappeared.

My husband sensed that something was wrong when we were sorting out our travel arrangements last night so I was honest with him and said that although I was looking forward to the trip, on another hand I was dreading it because of being away from our youngest for that length of time and worrying about how he'd cope with it.

I probably shouldn't have used the term "dreading it" as I think that's what upset my husband but they were just the words that came out of my mouth.

I've told him that it's not like I don't want to go, because I genuinely do and I told him that I'm looking forward to us spending some quality time together, but nor can I help having that small part of me that doesn't want to be away from our youngest son for so long.

So now he's telling me how ungrateful I am etc and it's caused a huge atmosphere between us.

AIBU to feel this anxious and to have told him? He's making me feel like I'm completely overreacting. Maybe I am, I don't know.

My DS2 is a bit older that yours but I’d still be worried. 3 nights completely out of routine without the 3 people he’s closest too is a big change. YADNBU

How far away will you be? Could you get back if DS needed you?

I'd be chucking the kids on the grandparents doorstep and be waving away in the car lol. If there is no safety concerns the kids will be fine, go and enjoy some quality time with your partner.

You do know they will be fine don't you ?

Personally I would go and be enthusiastic about it.
There is NOTHING better for family life than to have two parents who are genuinely happy to be together. Childbirth is a hand grenade in a romantic relationship and your DH has recognised that you.NEED some adult time together.

Please go. It will be 4 days that will be fantastic for your marriage. Call the care giver (NOT THE CHILDREN !!) to get an update everyday.
Then go and rekindle your relationship - child free. !

I think I've just buried my head in sand, hoping that my feelings would have changed by the time the trip came round, but now it's almost time to go and my feelings haven't changed.

I haven't said anything to my DH before now because he has been so excited about it, and it really is a wonderful thing that he's done, so I simply didn't want to burst his bubble. He put a lot of money, thought and organisation into this so it felt like I had no option but to go along with it.

It's such a hard situation.

I am looking forward to us having quality time together but I just wish he'd spoken to me about it first so something could be agreed upon and booked that we both felt comfortable with.

I agree with @smallereveryday. This trip is really important for the health of your marriage. You have a husband who is clearly keen on spending time alone with you. Yes it isn't ideal that it is longer than you had hoped but, it is what it is. Go and enjoy yourself, the children will be fine. If you can possibly arrange it so the children are together then great, but if that's not possible then still go ahead. A happy and healthy marriage is the best thing you can give to your family and it is ok to prioritise that from time to time.

"I am looking forward to us having quality time together but I just wish he'd spoken to me about it first so something could be agreed upon and booked that we both felt comfortable with."

Exactly

I would be touched by the gesture but wouldn’t have left the children. Nor would I be happy to put on others re childcare.

Yanbu to be anxious but yabu to wait until just before you go to bring it up.

My husband and I left our 7 month old with my mum last week for 3 nights/4 days to go on a city break that had been planned before DD had been born. In the few days leading up to going both us said we didn't really want to leave her - she was teething and going through that horrible separation anxiety.

But we left her and had an amazing time (we caught up on so much sleep). We spent much needed time as a couple again, it really has refreshed our relationship.
We came back in a hurry on the 4th day and my mum said our DD had slept through every night and been fine. Plus her separation anxiety seems to have reduced which is brilliant.
I'm leaving her with my mum again on Friday night

Are you breastfeeding Quail?

At the minute he probably breast feeds about 5-6 times in a 24 hour period.

The longest I have been away from him is 48 hours but he was with my husband and my other son so I had nothing to worry about.

I'm starting to wonder whether it would be easier if they were looked after in our house because at least then it would be less disruptive to the youngest.

I think my husband is annoyed because like others have rightly pointed out, I have left it to pretty much the last minute. I should have been honest from the start. I honestly thought though that my feelings would change and that by the time the trip came along I would have no qualms about leaving him, but my feelings haven't changed at all

I would feel exactly the same as you and mine are 4 and 2. My 2 year old is still breastfed and I wouldn’t leave her for even a night for that reason. Have you pumped before? I can’t ever get anything out by pumping (despite a very good supply) and I know this isn’t unusual. It can take a while for your body to get us

"At the minute he probably breast feeds about 5-6 times in a 24 hour period."

(Sorry fat fingers).....used to it so you might not find pumping works.
I would also be concerned about separating your children if you do go. They will look to each other for comfort and being apart will add extra stress.
Is the trip transferable to a later date when the dc and you are more ready?

I used to have an electric pump for when I was away from him and I would get about 7-8 ounces every 5-6 hours. My supply has since regulated a little and has gotten used to periods away from him and I can now go about 36 hours before I feel uncomfortable and even then I only hand express a little just to take the edge off.

I admit that I am concerned how things are going to be with being away from him for so long. I envisage a lot of pumping.

When my first son was 2.5 years old (also breastfed) I was away from him for 5 days and I only had to express a few times every 2-3 days and I didn't get particularly uncomfortable. He wasn't feeding as often as my youngest one does though.

Is the trip transferable to a later date when the dc and you are more ready?

I don't know. I wouldn't feel right though about making that request so close to us leaving when I've known about the trip for months.

I wish I had spoken to him earlier - I just didn't want him to think I wasn't grateful though

I think yabu in my personal opinion. What's the saying...it takes a village to raise a child?

At 22 months your child could definitely be sleeping through the night mostly and also be used to the odd sleep over at family / close friends houses...and surely it's better your baby gets to enjoy the company of others?

It sounds like you are making a rod for your own back here.

I would feel anxious about 4 nights though especially if your child isnt used to being away from you. Id also be annoyed at husband for not consulting with me but im wondering if he did it deliberately to get you to spend some time with him if he's at his wits end?

I think you should just go and enjoy it...your baby will be fine...possibly a bit upset but he will be ok and maybe do a few trial one nighters for him in the run up.

That's the thing isn't it, a man makes plans without fully considering the needs and preferences of his wife and children, and she's "ungrateful" if she wants a say 🙄

I was in hospital for 4 days recently after having DC2 and I was very upset being away from my 22 month old, I found it really hard although he was absolutely fine! (With gp so husband could be with me)

YANBU. It's not a treat or a gift or a holiday if the recipient doesn't want it!

I'd be telling DH to get his head out of his arse. Selfish fucker.

Could you afford to take the kids and a grandparent with you too? Then they could babysit at the hotel and you'd still get to go away somewhere nice but your boys would be close by.

I'd go.

Each to their own but i dont get why you'd choose to bf your baby and still be getting up in the night at 22 months...over having a fully weaned baby that sleeps through the night!

I was wondering how long it would take for someone to say that bollocks

Doesn't everyone LOVE a breastfeeding and sleep training argument all rolled into one. Here comes the massive derail 🙄