AIBU to not want to be away from my 22 month old for 4 days?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My husband is throwing a bit of a strop and telling me I'm ungrateful because I've said I feel anxious about being away from our 22 month old son for 3 nights/4 days so we can go away together.

Earlier this year, as a surprise, my husband booked us a mini city break which we are due to go on next month.

When he told me about it I was obviously very touched by his romantic gesture but at the back of my mind I was thinking that I wish he'd asked me first because I would have said I didn't feel ready to be away from our son for that long. I put my negative thoughts to the back of my head but now, as the departure date is getting nearer I'm really starting to worry about being away from him for so long.

He's still breast fed, he's got a very strong attachment to me, in fact his clingy-ness has really ramped up over the last few weeks, and he still wakes up at least once during the night and usually it's only me he settles for.

My husband had made arrangements for both our son's to be cared for separately which includes them being spread across grandparents, uncles and family friends.

So not only am I worried about how my youngest is going to cope with not seeing me for 4 days, but he's also going to be separated from his older brother for 4 days too. I'm just worried that it's going to be really unsettling for him because he won't understand why his parents and brother have suddenly disappeared.

My husband sensed that something was wrong when we were sorting out our travel arrangements last night so I was honest with him and said that although I was looking forward to the trip, on another hand I was dreading it because of being away from our youngest for that length of time and worrying about how he'd cope with it.

I probably shouldn't have used the term "dreading it" as I think that's what upset my husband but they were just the words that came out of my mouth.

I've told him that it's not like I don't want to go, because I genuinely do and I told him that I'm looking forward to us spending some quality time together, but nor can I help having that small part of me that doesn't want to be away from our youngest son for so long.

So now he's telling me how ungrateful I am etc and it's caused a huge atmosphere between us.

AIBU to feel this anxious and to have told him? He's making me feel like I'm completely overreacting. Maybe I am, I don't know.

Me and my husband are very happy. We both know that at the moment, between the two children, our lives are quite chaotic and that our focus is generally on them. We talk about our relationship and how it's had to change over the last 5 years but underneath all the craziness we know we love each other and that at some point we will get "us" back again.

I genuinely am looking forward to spending time with just my husband as obviously I have missed that part of our marriage but I just wish my excitement was being over shadowed about the anxiety of leaving my youngest.

And to those who have passed comments that I have no identity, that I want to keep my baby at home with me all the time, I can assure you that it isn't true. I still work, I still have a social life, I have hobbies, I volunteer and my son is in childcare 3 days a week. I have a life and an identity outside of him, but that doesn't mean I want to be in a different country to him for 4 days.

So it's a trip abroad?
3 night abroad when you've only ever left him overnight at home with his dad and brother?
Hell no!

There are some peculiar views on this thread. Just because one person's baby would be totally fine with this, doesn't mean another's would be. Mine is older than the OP's- almost 3. And although she spends multiple nights away from me (max was 4 and it's regular as I travel for work), she has always been with her dad, and has never spent a night without one of us.

My parents, who raised 4 children of their own, spend a LOT of time with her and they adore each other but I'm still too nervous to leave her alone with them for one night, as I know it would be very upsetting for her. She doesn't sleep through the night, still gets up around 4am and gets in with me, and likes to hold a boob for comfort as she sleeps.

OP I'm struggling to recommend a course of action here but I have to say I don't think YABU at all. Your feelings are absolutely valid and if you are anxious you can not enjoy yourself. I would be strongly in favour of keeping the children together though. TBH I would rather look after 2 children who have the security of being together than 1 child who is distressed because all the closest people in his world are inexplicably gone.

3 night abroad when you've only ever left him overnight at home with his dad and brother?

Yep

Just don't do it!

I'm puzzled by this attitude that you have 'no identity' if you don't want to run off to another country for a few days when your child is still an infant.

You can if you want, but it's not for everyone and that doesn't mean a marriage is about to collapse. My Dsis, Dbro and I were not left overnight without either dad or mum until I was 8 (siblings 7 and 5) when my grandma was dying. Parents have been happily married for 41 years. It's different horses for different courses.

I could’ve written this myself last year... 4 night trip to Spain, thought I’d feel ok by the time I came round, in reality I felt sick to my stomach about it...

My husband was lovely tho, we booked an earlier flight home and went for 3 nights instead of 4.

The first day I had a melt down when I got there, total panic set in about what I’d done... but I soon settled. With what’s app and video call I spoke to my children (6,2) a few times a day and had a lovely time with my husband remembering why we loved each other so much in the first place.

It’s not about thinking they aren’t going to be safe, it’s about the guilt of leaving them. Mine were fine and I’m sure yours will be too, but it’s ok to feel sick/nervous/upset... if your really struggling you can generally get a flight home that day from European countries... I know because I checked the knowledge that I could get home if I wanted made me feel so much better x

Can you not get a grandparent to come to your house instead? Will be easier if they are at home together.

Yabu. Your kid will be ok. Your other kid will be ok. And you? You will be ok too.

Just learn to let go a bit. Yes kids go through fases of being clingey but by never leaving their side you are just enableing this.

So go out. Enjoy. Be a wife instead of a mother. That is very important too imo. And if you cant cope after 2 days then you can always choose to go back

Dont knock it until you tried it.

And to pp that said can you not take the kids with you? Uhmm... no! That is not romantic or a get away at all. obviously her DP arranged for the kids to be GONE so that they can have some quality time. Sex even

@Yeahnahmum you're assuming adult levels of reasoning for infants. Children under three do not have those abilities. So it's not 'enabling' them to care for them and worry that they may become distressed in an unusual circumstance.

@Yeahnahmum oh yes of course, OP should ignore her feelings and just be a good wife and have sex with her DH like he wants.

I think I'm going to ask my husband if we can cut the trip short by one night.

I really do want to go away with him but I don't want to spend the whole time worrying because then it just defeats the whole purpose.

I think we just need to find a compromise.

I'm sure when he boooked it he didn't envision that our son would still be BF as much or would still be quite strongly attached to me and therefore didn't think there would be any problems about us (me and DS) being apart for so long.

Is there no way you can postpone the trip? We had a short break planned about three years ago and something arose that would have made it difficult for us to go at that time. We were able to postpone and rebook when convenient.

If you could put it off you could reschedule after letting your son stay for the odd night at grandma's and you've stopped breastfeeding.

Agree with @Napqueen1234 . I think YABU. You are very lucky you have support to enable this kind of trip away alone with DH. And DH is obviously very thoughtful booking this trip for you both & tbh I think I'd be incredibly cheesed off if I was in his position. Your DC is almost 2 years, not 2 months! They don't HAVE to be BF, couldn't you introduce a different source of comfort for him before the trip? And reduce the amount of BF your doing currently?
I also agree that children do just 'adapt' & as long as they're cared for & in a loving fun environment are absolutely fine. It's normal to be anxious as parents but you've got to let go of the reins sometime or you & DH will never have much needed quality time.

They don't HAVE to be BF, couldn't you introduce a different source of comfort for him before the trip? And reduce the amount of BF your doing currently?

ethelfleda - my thoughts exactly.

...and mine.

The BF relationship is between OP and her child. It shouldn't be forced to change because OP's husband can't cope with a change of plans.

NOT ALL children adapt. I've been leaving mine for 1-3 nights at a time regularly for a year and she STILL doesn't cope especially well, or sleep through the night, and I STILL wouldn't leave her alone with my parents. Horses and courses etc

It's such a difficult situation. Your husband Diana lovely thing, just a little naive or misguided. And you are perfectly reasonable to feel anxious about it - there's no way on earth I would have done this (I'd have difficulty now and she's 4!). Some ideas offered have been very sensible I think:

• see if you can cut the trip short to just 2 nights, that should feel more manageable
• see if you can keep the kids together and/or in their own home - it'll be less unsettling and therefore less worrying for you.

Though I wouldn't have been able to do it myself, rationally I do know they'd be ok (assuming you have no concerns about any of the carers you're leaving them with). But our instincts as a parent are not always rational.

Speak to your hasband with gratitude for his efforts and openness about your feelings. Be focused on solutions to ensure you has his loving, happy wife for 48 hrs, rather than an anxious wreck for 72hrs.

Good luck

Yanbu op. I think your husband is actually being cruel here. He didnt even bother to ask how you would feel about it and to also separate your sons sounds awful. He wants a holiday more than worrying about his family.
I dont think you need to fall over him for his 'kind gesture' , he booked this trip with selfish intentions.

Rumples what a lovely post

I think that is too long for a child still breastfed and I would also not want the siblings split.

If you don't want to do it then don't

Ah thanks @ethelfleda. I think AIBU can be a bit brutal at times. Given the OP's subsequent posts it sounds like her husband is genuinely trying to do something thoughtful, so I don't agree with posters saying he's mean and selfish.
Equally, OP is not being precious or OTT in her concerns. Her feelings are totally valid. No one is in the wrong here, it's just unfortunate that they haven't communicated perfectly, and are coming at the situation from different angles.
I generally believe most tricky situations in a non-abusive relationship can be handled if both parties can be compassionate and empathetic.
That, plus I would LOVE to have a (short) getaway with hubby right now!