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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to be away from my 22 month old for 4 days?

147 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 16:38

My husband is throwing a bit of a strop and telling me I'm ungrateful because I've said I feel anxious about being away from our 22 month old son for 3 nights/4 days so we can go away together.

Earlier this year, as a surprise, my husband booked us a mini city break which we are due to go on next month.

When he told me about it I was obviously very touched by his romantic gesture but at the back of my mind I was thinking that I wish he'd asked me first because I would have said I didn't feel ready to be away from our son for that long. I put my negative thoughts to the back of my head but now, as the departure date is getting nearer I'm really starting to worry about being away from him for so long.

He's still breast fed, he's got a very strong attachment to me, in fact his clingy-ness has really ramped up over the last few weeks, and he still wakes up at least once during the night and usually it's only me he settles for.

My husband had made arrangements for both our son's to be cared for separately which includes them being spread across grandparents, uncles and family friends.

So not only am I worried about how my youngest is going to cope with not seeing me for 4 days, but he's also going to be separated from his older brother for 4 days too. I'm just worried that it's going to be really unsettling for him because he won't understand why his parents and brother have suddenly disappeared.

My husband sensed that something was wrong when we were sorting out our travel arrangements last night so I was honest with him and said that although I was looking forward to the trip, on another hand I was dreading it because of being away from our youngest for that length of time and worrying about how he'd cope with it.

I probably shouldn't have used the term "dreading it" as I think that's what upset my husband but they were just the words that came out of my mouth.

I've told him that it's not like I don't want to go, because I genuinely do and I told him that I'm looking forward to us spending some quality time together, but nor can I help having that small part of me that doesn't want to be away from our youngest son for so long.

So now he's telling me how ungrateful I am etc and it's caused a huge atmosphere between us.

AIBU to feel this anxious and to have told him? He's making me feel like I'm completely overreacting. Maybe I am, I don't know.

OP posts:

Bibijayne · 26/06/2019 21:03

That doesn't mean the husband was doing a bad thing. But good intentions do not always mean it is a good idea.

Peitho · 26/06/2019 21:04

Yes, he is. He's a breastfed baby and he needs his mama for milk, sleep, security. It's natural, normal, and right.

Nah. He's a toddler. It's fine if the OP decides to stay home but plaintive cries of 'please don't leave your baby' are verging on the hysterical.

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 21:04

Aaaand here we go.

Even if you think OP shouldn't be breastfeeding any more (it's none of your damn business, but here we are), the fact is that she IS breastfeeding, and even if she wanted to stop now, it wouldn't be best for her or her son to go from 5-6 feeds every 24h to nothing - cold turkey.

Bibijayne · 26/06/2019 21:07

@AnotherEmma

Winces at cold turkey idea

Blocked ducts and mastitis are not fun!

RuggerHug · 26/06/2019 21:08

mallow then don't do it yourself. OP is, and it's not the point of the thread.

Benes · 26/06/2019 21:09

I think these kinds of trips are really important for a relationship. We try to have at least one a year as that child free, couple time is important to us.
I think you should find a way to make it work and enjoy your time alone with your husband.

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 21:09

Bibijayne indeed!

timeisnotaline · 26/06/2019 21:09

@Settlersofcatan do you really have nobody? We felt it was such a huge ask when expecting our second but bit the bullet and asked people, it’s not the kind of thing people say no to. We ended up asking 3 couples so no one had to feel like they had to drop everything for us.

Sorry not answering the op! I see why he split them up but I’d struggle with that too.

LittleFairywren · 26/06/2019 21:11

I didn't say that she shouldn't breastfeed anymore if that's what she wants to do. But her son doesn't need it as his main or even secondary source of food or drink at that age. A few days away isn't the end of the world.

Topsecretidentity · 26/06/2019 21:20

Can you take your 22 month old with you? I know it will change the dynamics but that's what I would do if I was feeling this apprehensive.

ethelfleda · 26/06/2019 21:29

YANBU OP.
I wouldn’t leave my 20 month old over night (not overly clingy but still breastfed and still has it in the night) i would want to wait until he is old enough to understand.

mallowmarsh132a · 26/06/2019 21:30

I just don't get it OP.

Part of development is teaching your baby that you will leave him sometimes but that you always come back, so that he can learn to be confident when not permanently attached to you.

I'd also be viewing this poorly handled attempt by your husband to get you to himself for a few days as a huge warning sign that he's feeling neglected by you.

Im also wondering if there's more to your life than being a mummy? Its healthy for you and your baby to have some time apart and foster relationships with others.

Is all of this concern about your baby or the manifestation of your own anxiety?

I have a dd and have been through the separation anxiety phase

and it is hard...but i found it harder on me than her because within 15 mins of being left with family she was happy while i was the one worrying...which is natural...whats not imo healthy is to not be prepared to go through that process

codemonkey · 26/06/2019 21:31

It's personal preference but i wonder how it's impacting your relationship with your husband

Breastfeeding women, listen up! Stop that ridiculous nonsense right now and tend to your poor neglected husbands! How dare you put the needs of an infant ABOVE YOUR MAN! It's a wonder he hasn't left you!

Jeez. Are some women for real??

codemonkey · 26/06/2019 21:33

OP, what strikes me is that your husband doesn't seem to know you very well. You're not really on the same page at the moment.

Amanduh · 26/06/2019 21:38

I hate it when people schpiel the ‘you meed holidays away from your child, he’s two not two months’ stuff..why? Why do you?
And the ‘part of parenting is needing to teach your child you will go away and come back’ yes, but not at two, and not for five days. They can foster relationships plenty with other asults and kids and not be away for days or weeks at a time when they’re babies.
Some people like spending their time with their children!!!? If you are happy to, that’s fine and normal, but it’s also fine and normal not to!

mallowmarsh132a · 26/06/2019 21:43

Im not talking about a baby who needs milk im talking about a 2 year old and as others have pointed out it's not about breastfeeding as you can express

...and yes i do actually think that after the initial crazy newborn year is over it is important to look after yourself,your children and your relationship with your other half and not throw away your indentity in an attempt to stay permanently attached to your little human...who is actually so keen to explore the world and meet new people...and needs you to help guide him in that...not keep him at home all to yourself..

Im not a horrible misguided person for thinking these things!

ethelfleda · 26/06/2019 21:45

but plaintive cries of 'please don't leave your baby' are verging on the hysterical

As hysterical as all the posters claiming that the OP’s marriage will definitely fall apart if she doesn’t go away with her husband?

I’m very glad that my DH knows me well enough to know not to book a surprise trip away from our son (also almost 2 and breastfeeding). Actually, to be fair - HE probably wouldn’t want to be away from him for that long either. And guess what? Our marriage is as healthy as it has ever been!

ethelfleda · 26/06/2019 21:50

Mallow you don’t teach an almost two year old to be confident by fucking off for 4 days. They learn confidence when they’re ready and they’re far too young to understand at this age.

I don’t think it will do any harm, OP. I honestly think they will be fine and all will work out but I completely understand why you feel the way you do about it.

Milly345 · 26/06/2019 21:52

They will be fine

Peitho · 26/06/2019 21:56

Hopefully the OP's marriage is good and sturdy but so many marriages go tits up in the early years of child rearing. I don't think the OP should go away in order to safeguard her marriage but likewise I think it might do them both the world of good. Obviously not if she's emotionally unprepared for being away from her toddler though.

Marriages thrive on good communication. He should have consulted her before booking the trip and she should have made her reservations known six months ago rather than a couple of weeks before they're due to depart.

mallowmarsh132a · 26/06/2019 21:57

Of course not...u need to build it up gradually but sounds like this isn't happening and that husband might have taken matters into his own hands and messed it up by booking a break that throws mum and baby in at the deep end,rather than discussing how he's feeling.

mallowmarsh132a · 26/06/2019 22:00

Equally if op had expressed concerns early on then trip could possibly have been replanned or some gradual time apart from baby could have been planned in...sounds like a communication issue and maybe op didnt want to tell husband early as has no interest in spending any one on one time with him right now regardless of his feelings

AlwaysSkint · 26/06/2019 22:03

Each to their own.

I am glad that I started leaving my baby straightaway pretty much as if I'd left it too long, like a year - I wouldn't have been able to do it at all. First time was for a couple of hours to register her birth at 12 days old (left with my mum as I didn't want to take her into town so young on a Friday afternoon!), then a hair cut a couple of weeks later, then a day out that had been planned for a year (all within 5 weeks). Progressing to her first overnight at 3.5months old for Chirstmas drinks. I did start working part time 3hrs in an evening 3 times a week from 2 months. My mum went back full time when I was 16weeks and when my little brother was 11weeks. Hasn't affected our relationship.

I must admit all of the above was hard, but I'm a single parent so grateful for the break. Although I've been doing alot more hours the last 6/7 weeks and that's been hard. Really glad I'm doing less again. She's 10 months old now.

AlwaysSkint · 26/06/2019 22:06

But not sure how I would feel about leaving her for 4 days - haven't had to think about it!

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 22:07

"Marriages thrive on good communication. He should have consulted her before booking the trip and she should have made her reservations known six months ago rather than a couple of weeks before they're due to depart."

Agree

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