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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to be away from my 22 month old for 4 days?

147 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 16:38

My husband is throwing a bit of a strop and telling me I'm ungrateful because I've said I feel anxious about being away from our 22 month old son for 3 nights/4 days so we can go away together.

Earlier this year, as a surprise, my husband booked us a mini city break which we are due to go on next month.

When he told me about it I was obviously very touched by his romantic gesture but at the back of my mind I was thinking that I wish he'd asked me first because I would have said I didn't feel ready to be away from our son for that long. I put my negative thoughts to the back of my head but now, as the departure date is getting nearer I'm really starting to worry about being away from him for so long.

He's still breast fed, he's got a very strong attachment to me, in fact his clingy-ness has really ramped up over the last few weeks, and he still wakes up at least once during the night and usually it's only me he settles for.

My husband had made arrangements for both our son's to be cared for separately which includes them being spread across grandparents, uncles and family friends.

So not only am I worried about how my youngest is going to cope with not seeing me for 4 days, but he's also going to be separated from his older brother for 4 days too. I'm just worried that it's going to be really unsettling for him because he won't understand why his parents and brother have suddenly disappeared.

My husband sensed that something was wrong when we were sorting out our travel arrangements last night so I was honest with him and said that although I was looking forward to the trip, on another hand I was dreading it because of being away from our youngest for that length of time and worrying about how he'd cope with it.

I probably shouldn't have used the term "dreading it" as I think that's what upset my husband but they were just the words that came out of my mouth.

I've told him that it's not like I don't want to go, because I genuinely do and I told him that I'm looking forward to us spending some quality time together, but nor can I help having that small part of me that doesn't want to be away from our youngest son for so long.

So now he's telling me how ungrateful I am etc and it's caused a huge atmosphere between us.

AIBU to feel this anxious and to have told him? He's making me feel like I'm completely overreacting. Maybe I am, I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 20:42

Each to their own but i dont get why you'd choose to bf your baby and still be getting up in the night at 22 months.....

I'm very passionate about breast feeding for lots of reasons, I want to breast feed him and I'm quite happy to feed him overnight.

This thread however isn't about people's opinions on whether I should or shouldn't breastfeed my child so let's not go down that road.

OP posts:
mallowmarsh132a · 26/06/2019 20:44

It's personal preference but i wonder how it's impacting your relationship with your husband and ability to do everyday things letc...im not saying you are wrong...just wondering what the motivation behind that choice is when it's perfectly healthy and possible for your baby to be weaned by now and be going through the night!

Bibijayne · 26/06/2019 20:45

YANBU. if he's never been left overnight without both his parents it's going to be tough. And worse if his older sibling also isn't there.

I'd want to have done a few trial runs before committing to a city break.

He probably feels a little silly, because he didn't forsee your unease.

womaninthedark · 26/06/2019 20:46

Please don't leave your breastfed baby.

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 20:46
Biscuit
Bibijayne · 26/06/2019 20:46

PS @QueenofmyPrinces great for breastfeeding still. If it's what you and your baby want, it's a great thing.

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 20:46

Cross posts

mallowmarsh132a · 26/06/2019 20:46

Ok sorry to derail that's fair enough i dont want to start a huge debate i was genuinely just interested!

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 20:47

It's personal preference but i wonder how it's impacting your relationship with your husband and ability to do everyday things letc...im not saying you are wrong...just wondering what the motivation behind that choice is when it's perfectly healthy and possible for your baby to be weaned by now and be going through the night!

What every day life things is it you think breast feeding mothers don't have the ability to do?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 20:47

Yeah right everyone's "genuinely just interested" Hmm

Long derail later...

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 20:47

Don't bite OP

Bibijayne · 26/06/2019 20:48

Babies go through phases @mallowmarsh132a - and around 22 months is near a key developmental leap for many (which is why separation anxiety can ramp up even if they've been fine for months!)

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 20:49

YY my son went through a mini separation anxiety phase when he was 22 months

Milkmachine15 · 26/06/2019 20:50

Oh stop being so sanctimonious anotheremma!! OP yours and DS bfing relationship will probably not be much affected from a couple of nights away especially if you plan to pump and have already had nights away from him since and worst case if he decides he no longer wants to bf you’ve saved yourself a lot of heartbreak when it comes to weaning!! Totally understand you feeling anxious about going away and that your biggest concern is your boys being separated so if possible finding a way for them to stay together would be ideal but I think as PPs have said it’ll be so good for you all as a family and to go even if they do go separately... you never know they might actually prefer having a bit of 1 to 1 time with family members etc

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 20:51

anotherEmma - I sharn't bite from this point onwards Grin

OP posts:
Peitho · 26/06/2019 20:51

Please don't leave your breastfed baby.

Is he a baby though, at near-enough two years old? Hardly the same as leaving a 6 month old.

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 20:51

Whatever. I stopped breastfeeding when I was ready to stop, not when my husband decided to book us a mini break away from DS without discussing it with me.

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 20:52

Hahaha and now I'm biting Grin

smallereveryday · 26/06/2019 20:52

Except it isn't bollocks it absolute fucking sense !

You realise OP - that the one with the anxiety here is you. Absolutely NO harm willl come to your children. In ten years time when you are wondering if they should be aloud to the local shop on their own - you will be wondering what you were obsessing about.

At this stage of your life - your marriage needs as much attention as your children from BOTH of you. Happy marriage - happy children. Fastest way for relationships to fall apart is total absorption in children with no regard to the relationship.

Not a trendy view but just look on here at the number of relationships that fall apart when the dcs are small..

Poetryinaction · 26/06/2019 20:54

I'm in a similar position OP. Had organised a 5 day trip leaving the 4 and 5 year olds with family but taking 18 month old with us. Now my sister wants to look after the little one and is trying to talk me into it. She would be away from us and her siblings, but with my sister, her kids and my mum and dad. I can't decide!

womaninthedark · 26/06/2019 20:58

Is he a baby though, at near-enough two years old? Hardly the same as leaving a 6 month old.

Yes, he is. He's a breastfed baby and he needs his mama for milk, sleep, security. It's natural, normal, and right.

OP, follow your instincts. They're correct.

Bluerussian · 26/06/2019 20:58

Bibijane said: I'd want to have done a few trial runs before committing to a city break.

That's how I feel about it, op. Could the break not be postponed until you are more comfortable with leaving your baby? It wouldn't be a bad idea to stop breastfeeding first, too. The little one will be two in a couple of months and not many kids of that age are still breast fed.

Think about it and involve your husband in those thoughts so he understands your worries, which are not unreasonable.

LittleFairywren · 26/06/2019 21:00

I'd be telling DH to get his head out of his arse. Selfish fucker.

Oh god yeah he's so selfish what a terrible person. He's planned and paid for a trip away for the good of their marriage and op left it till the last minute to say she wasn't happy about it. Your son will be fine. You don't need to go away and do a lot of pumping, your supply will be fine. Go and have a nice time.

Bibijayne · 26/06/2019 21:01

@smallereveryday

Time together as a couple is great. But it needs to be in a way both parents are comfortable with. Three/ four days away as the first option is hard work and not what everyone is comfortable with.

There's nothing wrong with OP wanting to work up to that. I can also see why the big romantic gesture stunned her and she didn't say she felt uncomfortable at first. She was delivered a fait acomply and told she should be happy.

It would have been better if she'd explained her discomfort earlier. But it is what it is. I think I'd be focusing on finding a way that her two boys can stay together whilst she and her husband are away. And have a heart-to-heart with her husband about why, whilst the idea is appreciated, smaller trips/ nights away are the way to go for the moment.

That is, unless the trip goes perfectly and she is happy to do more.

There are so many instructions and demands made on new parents. When really talking and taking it at your own pace is much better.

LittleFairywren · 26/06/2019 21:03

Your son is almost two. He doesn't need breastmilk for his main sustenance so he will be absolutely fine. He might like to have it but he doesn't need it 6 times a day to survive. It's not like youre leaving a 2 month old.