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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to be away from my 22 month old for 4 days?

147 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 16:38

My husband is throwing a bit of a strop and telling me I'm ungrateful because I've said I feel anxious about being away from our 22 month old son for 3 nights/4 days so we can go away together.

Earlier this year, as a surprise, my husband booked us a mini city break which we are due to go on next month.

When he told me about it I was obviously very touched by his romantic gesture but at the back of my mind I was thinking that I wish he'd asked me first because I would have said I didn't feel ready to be away from our son for that long. I put my negative thoughts to the back of my head but now, as the departure date is getting nearer I'm really starting to worry about being away from him for so long.

He's still breast fed, he's got a very strong attachment to me, in fact his clingy-ness has really ramped up over the last few weeks, and he still wakes up at least once during the night and usually it's only me he settles for.

My husband had made arrangements for both our son's to be cared for separately which includes them being spread across grandparents, uncles and family friends.

So not only am I worried about how my youngest is going to cope with not seeing me for 4 days, but he's also going to be separated from his older brother for 4 days too. I'm just worried that it's going to be really unsettling for him because he won't understand why his parents and brother have suddenly disappeared.

My husband sensed that something was wrong when we were sorting out our travel arrangements last night so I was honest with him and said that although I was looking forward to the trip, on another hand I was dreading it because of being away from our youngest for that length of time and worrying about how he'd cope with it.

I probably shouldn't have used the term "dreading it" as I think that's what upset my husband but they were just the words that came out of my mouth.

I've told him that it's not like I don't want to go, because I genuinely do and I told him that I'm looking forward to us spending some quality time together, but nor can I help having that small part of me that doesn't want to be away from our youngest son for so long.

So now he's telling me how ungrateful I am etc and it's caused a huge atmosphere between us.

AIBU to feel this anxious and to have told him? He's making me feel like I'm completely overreacting. Maybe I am, I don't know.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 26/06/2019 18:19

My husband did something similar and I burst into tears when he gave it to me. Ds3 was 4 months at the time trip wasnt until he was 1.5 yrs. Turned out fine. We enjoyed time away, ds3 was absolutely fine and gave our marriage some much needed tlc

Quartz2208 · 26/06/2019 18:20

It isnt for me about whether you should or should be ok and which is reasonable or not - but the fact that this decision for 4 days was made and you are expected to be grateful that he did it and are not allowed to question his decision.

Fundamentally he was selfish in this

blackteasplease · 26/06/2019 18:21

I was on the fence until you said he had got on a strop and called you ungrateful. So I voted yanbu!

Why grateful anyway as presumably (or may be not?) he's used family money?

I wouldn't go away with someone so insensitive.

I did leave dc2 with (now) exh (then h) at 5 months to go to a family wedding with family and dc1. But that was his Dad!

PreseaCombatir · 26/06/2019 18:21

I would be excited to go. I’d be chucking the kids on the doorstep, ringing the bell, and cartwheeling off! So in my personal opinion, YABU.
To be honest though, it’s pretty irrelevant if other people agree with you, or feel the same/would do the same, it’s down to you, because you’re the one whose going to have the anxiety, and if it’s too much that you’re not even going to enjoy yourself, then what’s the point?

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 18:24

You are not unreasonable or ungrateful.
He was wrong to make a unilateral decision and to accuse you of being ungrateful when you shared your worries.
4 nights is a long time when you've only ever had 1 night apart, especially as you're still breastfeeding.
As it's the first time both parents will be away, it should have been for a shorter time (2 nights maybe) and the children should be together at least!

Teaandchocolatecake · 26/06/2019 18:26

You can’t help how you feel. I’d have been delighted if my husband had done this for me though!

I think your children staying together would be better for them, could you split it so that they’re together but spend 1 night plus most of the following day with 1 relative and then 2 nights with another relative?

You say your son only really settles for you, would you be willing to get your husband to take over night settling between now and the time you go so that your son gets used to Mum not always being the one that does it?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 18:28

He has paid for it all out of his personal spends, not the joint account.

We haven't had any time together, just the two of us, since our 5 year old was born so I know why he's done it and I genuinely am touched that he's arranged it as a surprise for me, I just wish it hadn't come around so quickly.

Since being told about the trip I was always waiting for my apprehensive feelings to change, I was putting all my doubts to the back of my mind because the trip seemed ages away, but time has quickly crept up on me and now it feels like I've left it too late to actually do anything about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 18:30

Im going to sit him down tonight and try and find a way that the boys don't have to be separated. I know it means really putting people out but I think it's the only way I will be able to feel less nervous about leaving them.

OP posts:
danadas · 26/06/2019 18:31

He will be absolutely fine but you are not being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't have when they were that little and it isn't anything you can really explain, it is just a feeling as to whether you are ready or not.

It isn't ungrateful to feel that the decision has been taken out of your hands imo.

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 18:31

Are you ready to stop breastfeeding? Because it will force you to stop.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/06/2019 18:33

Are you ready to stop breastfeeding?

Absolutely not Sad I will be buying a good breast pump before we leave.

OP posts:
TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 26/06/2019 18:33

Your child is two. At what age is a break with your husband appropriate? You need to start allowing others to settle him unless keeping him dependent is a positive for you (do you refer to him in months so he still feels like a baby). What if God forbid you were rushed into hospital? Better that he's a bit more flexible so there are fewer things for him and you to worry about. Compromise and go for two nights with the DCs looked after by family

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 26/06/2019 18:34

For a couple of nights it'll be fine to express for him he won't forget how to breastfeed in such a tiny amount of time at his age, just make sure you pump a bit while away for your own comfort

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 18:46

"I will be buying a good breast pump before we leave."

How many feeds is he having each day/night? I recently stopped breastfeeding and did it very gradually (cut down by 1 feed every couple of weeks) and my boobs were still hard and sore for a week or two after I stopped.

Expressing won't necessarily relieve it either. Have you ever expressed milk? Some women get on better with it than others.

I had a good pump and never got huge amounts of milk, even in the early days. In the end I think I stopped expressing when i was getting so little that it didn't seem worth the faff - i think DS was about 1 at that point.

RainOrSun · 26/06/2019 18:48

I came on all set to say YABU, he will be at home, with his Dad. Yes you will miss him, but life goes on.
However, to stay somewhere that isnt home, without Dad, Mum or his sibling is a massive ask, so YANBU.
And that's from someone who let her 8 year old go on an international trip with school much to the horror of many of my friends.

Cornettoninja · 26/06/2019 18:51

I think it’s farfetched to imply the OP is babying her ds because she referred to him in months. Developmentally there’s a huge difference between a

detangler · 26/06/2019 18:51

I really feel for you. I fear that you’ll struggle to keep your supply up while you’re away and how will DS cope without BF if that’s what he’s used to?

At the very least your DC need to be in their own home.

Winifredgoose · 26/06/2019 18:51

I would not leave mine at that age. Especially given the circumstances eg childcare split and spread around. yanbu.
You must say now that you dont want to go.
I wouldn't judge anyone for doing it though.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 26/06/2019 18:52

I left my bf daughter when she was 18 months to go away for a few days with my husband. She was absolutely fine. When I came home she climbed into my arms and asked to feed.

A few months later (when she was 22 months in fact) I left her for 10 days. I was prepared for it to be the end of our bf relationship but again she just carried on when I got home.

She was very clingy but quite content not to have have if I wasn't around.

Cornettoninja · 26/06/2019 18:52

(....posted to soon. Blush)

Between a 13 month old and a 22 month old even though they’re both 1. It’s relevant in this context.

Ginger1982 · 26/06/2019 18:55

Maybe have a trial run before you go?

Bluerussian · 26/06/2019 18:58

You're not being unreasonable, leaving a child of that age for three nights is worrying. Has he stayed overnight with family before? If he'd become fairly used to doing that and enjoyed it, it would be easier.

Ubercornsdiscoball · 26/06/2019 18:59

When did he tell you about it? As you probably have had time to take some steps to help reduce the anxiety but you haven’t done anything about it and only now does your husband hear that you have issues. For that I would say YABU

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 19:00

That is a good point

AnotherEmma · 26/06/2019 19:02

OP did say "earlier this year" which sounds like it was a few months ago. Enough time to look into reducing from 3 to 2 nights, reconsider the childcare arrangements and have some practice runs - ie boys stay overnight at a grandparent's house if they haven't done so before.