To ask those of you who have gone NC with parents

[Herbert1234]

When you have children, what was the cut off point?

My parents have a long history of being lovely and then being horrid and really going in at me over tiny things. I'm fed up with it. It kills me every time. But I can't find the strength to go NC because I have a DS who is 1 loves his grandparents to bits. And they're great with him. But they're so bad for my mental health.

Does anyone go NC but still manage a relationship between their children and their parents?

Sorry for the late night rambling, very upset and confused and need a bit of guidance as to what's best.

I put up with it until my DM decided my DS was old enough to put nasty ideas into my DS head. She terrified him about swimming and that was the last straw. No-one tries to brainwash my children.

Following with interest as I could’ve written your post myself.

@justasking111 kudos to you for having the strength to do it. I just don't want it to get to the point where they put ideas in DS's head. But I don't know if depriving him of a relationship with them is better than letting them see him.

@soulsista14 flowers to you too. It's bloody heart breaking and horrible and just so many shit emotions. Your parents are supposed to love you and care for you. It's so hard coming to terms with the fact that they're not going to give you that. I hope you manage to work it out

But I don't know if depriving him of a relationship with them is better than letting them see him.

You need to stop putting this grandparent relationship up on this pedestal. There is nothing sacrosanct and special about grandparents. Shit parents make shit grandparents. The only difference is that they aren't there all the time, so their behaviour can be tempered. But they are fundamentally the same people.

If they really cared about their grandchild, they would treat their grandchild's mother with respect.

One of two things will happen here. They will either start treating your DC the way they treated you and cause them as much harm as they caused you OR they will try to win your DC over to them, and create a rift between you and your DC. You might find you have a 14/15 year old that leaves to go and live with them and barely has contact with you. By the time you realise what's happening it's too late - there have been several such threads on MN.

Either way is harmful to you and your DC.

I agree with the above ^^

You'll be able to go NC without question when you have had enough. You are not there yet. Make sure you are ready first. Go low contact at first and then less and less. Don't call back as often. Preserve your mental health and just let yourself recover. This may be the best way than completely going NC. Some parents don't realise the damage they are doing and are completely in denial over it. Good luck 🌷

I'm NC with my biological dad have been for 20 years. He was and still is a violent drunken bully and it took a couple years after my mother left him for me to see his true colours and I soon decided I didn't want nothing to do with him I was still a kid at the time and I've never regretted it he's incredibly spiteful and toxic and I don't want or need it in my life thankfully I got a wonderful stepdad who I call dad and has helped raise me since I was young. OP if your parents are toxic to the point it effects your health get shot its like a weight being lifted off you and you don't have the added worry of them pouring poison in your childs ears believe me its very damaging to hear nasty things said about your parents

I think you're right @HypatiaCade. But they genuinely are wonderful with him at the moment. It's later on I worry about. When Mum can make snide comments or little digs at me. I don't want him growing up thinking that's normal. My parents have totally assassinated me this week after my sister was awful to me and turned it into being my fault and I'm still sat here questioning whether I have actually done something wrong.

@christmassausage I've been no contact before for about two years. That silence was broken when I was pregnant. Once I'd told them they started to try hard to build bridges. We had a few little hiccups but all in all it was good. Unfortunately it's seems they've fallen back into old ways but this time it's not just me I have to consider. I don't know whether to suggest family counseling but I think they're beyond reasoning with. I desperately want a normal loving relationship with them and I need to come to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen. I'm more sad for my DS in honesty.

@Lucifer666 I'm so sorry to hear that, but glad your step dad is awesome. My Dad I'm referring to is technically my step dad. My biological dad was abusive and my mum left him when we were young. I think it makes it worse because he absolutely did not have to raise us as his own and has given me so much. But he always backs Mum blindly.

Following with interest. Dealing with something similar with my in laws.

They are emotionally abusive to myself and DH. Lovely with the DC. I want to be NC, DH isn't ready to be NC himself, keeps wanting them to change.

In the meantime we have to decide about their access to DC. I think as PPs have said it is a matter of them one day treating DC as they have treated you, or (possibly worse) using their relationship with DC to further abuse you- whether by turning your DC against you or just messing with their heads.

It's all about control for these people, and children are vulnerable and easily manipulated. I want very very very LC for the DC but DH is scared that this will inflame PIL and make our lives hell.

When I realised I wasn't going to let the cycle continue. Treat me badly? Meh, fine, that ship has sailed. But you don't get to do the same to my DC.
If your parent(s) are bad for your MH, then they're a threat to your DC in my opinion. DC need healthy parents/carers

My parents have totally assassinated me this week after my sister was awful to me and turned it into being my fault and I'm still sat here questioning whether I have actually done something wrong.

From a gc seeing her gp do that to her parents, it's awful. It really is. It makes you hurt and angry, even at your parent too a bit. I cut off my gp eventually for a good time, she's better now but i regret all those time she upset both my parents and caused arguments between them (watch out for your family doing that with your dp and friends). I do love her but i also wonder when she dies, will they be freer?

DH ( who is lovely) is a scapegoat and his havoc creating master sibling is the golden child.
At some point it was going to extend to our children- zero relationship with ours while the others being lavished with love and attention.
DH being told to sweep everything under the carpet for the sake of “family”
NC 2 years and it’s bliss. No drama or fall outs. Peace

They will start on your son soon enough OP. That should be enough to go NC.

OP listen to yourself. If they are too toxic for you to handle, why would you expose your tiny, innocent child to them? Isn't it your job to protect him?

That guilt you're feeling... Shouldn't it be theirs?

Thanks for all the replies everyone. Wish @BarbarianMum brutal! But true. I just don't know which protects him most right now.

I've realised this time that they won't change. What I can't get past is maybe they're not that bad, or maybe I have done something to upset them.

We also have a massive family and my mum would no doubt try and poison everyone against me. She did this last time. I don't want DS to lose the rest of the family too, and nor do I.

I wish I could post some of the messages I've been sent the last two days!

OP, if your parents are so detrimental to your mental health I can't understand why you would facilitate their access to your child. As a pp said, the grandparent relationship isn't some sacred thing that is virtuous in and of itself, grandparents can be awful and horrible too!

I have been NC with my mum for nearly ten years and just had my first DD. She will NEVER meet her. I have no doubt she'd be a wonderful grandmother for a year or two, it's easy to be wonderful with a baby who won't contradict them and they just get the cute and easy bits. But then a bond has been created with the child and when you want to disconnect it is harder.

Sorry you are in this situation, it is really horrible and I know how difficult it is when you keep thinking of how things 'should' be and not how they are.

Try low infrequent connections in public places. That's what I now do.
We meet in public. I never stay the night with them because I can't bear feeling trapped inside their madness. DC have never ever stayed the night. They are invited to our house for Christmas once every three years in rotation with my siblings, and I schedule every second of every day because the devil really does make work for idle hands, so keep the scheming feckers busy.

I find this far more relaxing and conducive to good mental health than NC which is so dramatic and has all the family rallying round the dementors making out you are evil for not lying down to be spat and tramped on. When I see them I behave like a hotel manager - brisk and polite but not intimate.

But it's fairly easy because they have not shown any interest in DC for years. DH's family do so DC are far closer to DH's family and to my DSis and DBro and cousins than to their grandparents who barely acknowledge their existence.

OP, I went nc with my awful parents before my DC were born. They never met them, and both parents died before the DC were 6.
I don’t feel that the DC “missed out” on a relationship with them. I think they had a lucky escape! They had a good normal relationship with DH’s parents.

In my experience, abusive parents are abusive grandparents. My dcs have to be protected from my parents. That means my extended family don't see them of have any news about them as I don't want any information to get back to them.

Letting him see these people is not protecting him, you are protecting yourself from having to make a difficult decision and deal with the fallout.

I have been in your position. I let my toxic family member near my children for many years before things got so bad I had to say "no more". And yes there was fallout from other family members- my family like to sweep problems under the carpet and pretend they don't exist and were very cross I wasn't playing the game any more (they got over it).

I made a bad decision and let my kids get hurt. I do understand how it happens (it's really hard to recognise dysfunction when you've been part of it for so long) so I'm not judging you. But your child needs you to be happy and to model healthy relationships for him. He needs that 1000 x more than he needs his grandparents in his life.

@DoraNora congratulations on having your DD! I think my issue is I can't see just how bad their behaviour is. It knocks me for six but it's become normal. It's nasty and vile but then I think of how nice they can be. I could easily go NC with my sister right now as she truly is a vile witch. But I guess I just can't see her being nasty to DS. I crave a normal relationship with them and when things are okay I spend my time trying to please them.

@GrowlingBear that sounds like a good idea. At the moment ive said I need space for a few days. She's welcome to see DS if she wants to pick him up and have him for a few hours (she won't, it's always me making the effort to facilitate the relationship). Going forward DP thinks low contact and attempt to condition them in respect to backing off when they're nasty and then be forthcoming when they're nice. But I think we'll just fall back into the cycle again. It always happens like this.

Herbert, my parents were great with ds1, complete golden child. When ds2 came along he was the scapegoat. Even being the golden child is damaging.

I can't see this going well, trying to maintain a relationship between your parents and your DS. I completely agree with @HypatiaCade. Your parents should be wanting to forge a decent relationship with you in order to ensure that their relationship with DS is secure - the fact that they are not doing this makes me think that they either think they can treat you however they see fit and will get away with it, or they're not putting your DS's happiness and wellbeing first. He's 1: he may love seeing them but believe me, his life won't be ruined by not having them around. I wasn't close to my DGPs and don't feel I missed out, and it looks as though my DC will experience the same. I don't want to go into detail but we are now NC with MIL and I am relieved that my DC are no longer subject to her thoughtless and sometimes mean behaviour. The way I see it, if you're not prepared to forge a decent relationship with me, then you don't get to forge one with my DC. If your DPs expect to be able to see your DS whilst being nasty to you, then they are very controlling and bullies. They will end up treating him the way they treat you - people like that don't change. Keep DS away from them - can you imagine what they will be saying to him behind your back? Do you really want him being treat that way?

 I'm so sorry @Herbert1234, I really do understand how much you crave a 'normal' relationship. In my personal experience it's not until you've let go of that and accepted who they are that you will be able to break the cycle.

I don't know what your parents have done (and besides, with most of us it's hard to distil into one Mumsnet post, let alone one that people from 'normal' backgrounds would understand) but if something is insistently telling you that their behaviour is wrong and it's only them/your desire to please them insisting it's 'not that bad' then it sounds like you should listen to yourself.

I also don't think that NC is the only way of breaking the cycle, but there are some situations/relationships where the only possible way for you to reclaim some agency is to step out of them, and that is what I found with my mum.

My last note would be to mention again that your son is only 1. Of course you can't visualise them being nasty to him, especially if they 'want a relationship'. It starts going downhill when they develop some agency (my GM is similar to my mum. I still have a relationship with her, but a very managed one and I only see her once or twice a year).

for you. Breaking the cycle is a process, not one dramatic decision and I wish you all the best.