To ask those of you who have gone NC with parents

[Herbert1234]

When you have children, what was the cut off point?

My parents have a long history of being lovely and then being horrid and really going in at me over tiny things. I'm fed up with it. It kills me every time. But I can't find the strength to go NC because I have a DS who is 1 loves his grandparents to bits. And they're great with him. But they're so bad for my mental health.

Does anyone go NC but still manage a relationship between their children and their parents?

Sorry for the late night rambling, very upset and confused and need a bit of guidance as to what's best.

mine does that - she's set up a whats app group with them and her in it . Plays little violins about how much she wants to see them . Etc.

It's kind of sad they would guilt trip young kids like that. Mine sent a card with a sad face picture of a bear and a child walking on a beach in their invite. I guess it repeats the same thing as we had ourselves of 'keeping them happy' or getting the silent treatment though. It won't work this time.

We went NC before we had children. We knew we would be trying for a baby that year and it threw MiL's erratic and dangerous behaviour into sharper relief. DH has never looked back. He is just happy that his children cannot be damaged by her in the same way he was.

Mine went quite strange when I had DC. mum was very weird about breastfeeding etc and the baby stuff. Kind of led to the NC amongst other things. Think having DC brings it up, as in the article mentioned. To protect them from what we had.

Thanks guys. It went awfully. I went there saying we need to find a way to get past this and she literally shit all over me as a person, DP, DSS. The whole shebang. She said to me 'im going to.lose my shit with you' and at that point I got up, said I'm going now bye, and just walked out. It felt so liberating to just go no actually, you don't get to say that to me. I'm done. Totally done. She cannot be reasoned with and is poisonous. It's just a shame I lose my DF in the process as he so loyally stands by DM side.

I've decided wine is my mother now 😂

Sounds horrible- well at least everyone saw what she was really like and you can remember this when you are NC and look back and know why...i hope you have a breathing space now.

See she made it all about her - these narcs do that! How horrible for you OP. Still it made you make the decision and from a distance you will be able to relax - i feel so much less anxious now my mother isn't in my life.

Well done! The worst thing you can do is to ignore them - they thrive on your reaction. Walking out was a wonderful way of enforcing a boundary, NC or not.

Herbert1234, you actually did the only thing you could do. You stood up, said "no more" and walked out. It's pretty much what I did. It's liberating. It will also be quite painful and upsetting but there are ways to get past that and get stronger, so well done!

I know it's been suggested to you before but now is the time for you to head over to the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board. You will find lots of help, good advice and support from others going through what you are going through. At least go and have a look. It will help. 💐

well done, it takes a lot of strength to walk away, and at least in your own mind you have the closure of having given it one last shot.

Expect her behaviour to get much, much worse now as she pulls out all the stops to get you back in line again. She'll probably have a "major health scare" tomorrow or in the next few days, and she'll try anything to make you feel guilty and get back in contact with her. DO NOT ENGAGE. Radio silence is the only way forwards.
Do have a look at the Stately Homes thread too, it has been a rock to cling to for so many of us.

As for wine being your mother now, well at least you can warm wine up .

She will up her game for a bit, be prepared for a shit storm. Filter your calls, she will call in everyone for support. Expect, her to throw health issues at you. I had cancer and blindness from my DM. The phone ringing and ringing for hours on end, we unplugged it. Then the letters which went in the bin. OH started to read the first few then binned them. Oh details of the undertaker she had booked for her demise. She will bad mouth you to anyone who will listen, even shop staff you might know. It does tail off.

Amazing OP! I was so happy to read that you just walked out and left! Please try and hold onto that feeling of empowerment and liberation. It will keep you going when you are feeling sad about everything and doubting yourself.

Have you joined the Stately Homes thread yet?

We have decided to do the right thing as we see it and faciliate our dc in having a relationship with their grandparents whose behaviour has been toxic towards us in the past.

Not to say i think that there is a right or wrong thing here,nobody has the right to be a grandparent if their behaviour is rubbish imo.

Our toxic relatives only started being nice to us when we had dc as we had something they wanted.

When we had nothing to offer except ourselves they were controlling,manipulative and stonewalled us over minor things when they didnt get their way. It was terrible.

The thing is because of that we will never fully be able to trust them and are watching like hawks for the slightest hint of that behaviour showing again. If it does we have already talked about going nc with them to protect dc.

In my opinion it's only a matter of time because people that can be so nasty to their kids surely cant change...but im giving them one chance for my own conscience.

My main fear is they will try to manipulate dc but until it happens it's just a fear and i dont want to deprive dc of a relationship with them if they are capable of being normal so we are giving them one chance only!

Thank you for the reassurance I've done the right thing. She messaged me asking for her strimmer that we don't have last night so I told her we don't have it and to stop messaging me.

I don't think she realises that I've essentially decided to go NC. Or perhaps LC would be best. Less extreme. My head's still pickled. DP still thinks that things will change with time. He doesn't seem to be getting that she won't and it's a bit frustrating but then he's only seen the last 3 years worth, but he has been told about everything else. My Nan is the same. Just thinks it's a spat and it'll all be fine. But then I aren't go into it all with her as she's very fragile and worries lots.

Whatever you do, OP, do not allow her to see your child without you being present. You mentioned that in a previous post and I was a bit horrified at the thought tbh.

So typical for her to just treat it as if that never happened and go on as normal. Now see if next time you can just do nothing. No reply, nothing. That's all there is too it, really. And yes please protect your DC from her.

@Herbert1234

good luck. It's nearly wine o'clock already. Wimbledon and Pimms, I think.

Thanks so much everyone. It's good to know to be ready for worse. She turned up at my Nan's this evening. Seems very coincidental but she ignored me and I ignored her and I think my nan was non the wiser too. Should I be telling her that I'm cutting contact, or just do it? @Gth1234 absolutely! I'm ashamed to say it but wine and love island is calling. I've gotta stop drinking wine to fill the mother shaped hole in my heart though! Maybe tomorrow though!

Don't tell her, just do it.

Visit to nan, she wanted to know what you had told her.