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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask those of you who have gone NC with parents

146 replies

Herbert1234 · 25/06/2019 23:55

When you have children, what was the cut off point?

My parents have a long history of being lovely and then being horrid and really going in at me over tiny things. I'm fed up with it. It kills me every time. But I can't find the strength to go NC because I have a DS who is 1 loves his grandparents to bits. And they're great with him. But they're so bad for my mental health.

Does anyone go NC but still manage a relationship between their children and their parents?

Sorry for the late night rambling, very upset and confused and need a bit of guidance as to what's best.

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 28/06/2019 21:31

Found it! Make sure you scroll down past all the adverts to get to the article

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers/

Herbert1234 · 28/06/2019 22:09

Bloody hell, been having a read and Jesus. She is definitely without doubt a narcissist. I can't believe I've been so blind to it for so long. Now I'm panicking that she's made me into a narcissist! Everything's just clicking into place. Thanks for the links to read everyone. And once again, thank you so much for your support.

Now the question, do I call her out on being a narcissist?

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Absofrigginlootly · 28/06/2019 23:09

No!!!! Absolutely no point.

Not trying to sound mean but you don’t seem to be getting this.... narcissists only have one world view of themselves: that they are wonderful, amazing, kind, funny, special and unique. Nothing you say or do will ever penetrate this facade because they have zero self reflection skills.

The only way to win is not to play the game.

Stop trying to get them to “see” it won’t work. They won’t see. You will just keep damaging your mental health. Just walk away.... whether that be physically as in NC, or emotionally, as in you just stop giving a shit what they think of you or do to you.

Liberate yourself Flowers

Herbert1234 · 28/06/2019 23:13

@absofrigginlootly sorry, still learning. But that makes sense. Thank you.

I suppose I just want to shake her and make her realise what she's like. It's a bit tricky coming to terms that this isn't ever going to be fixed.

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Absofrigginlootly · 28/06/2019 23:15

Yes it can be very painful. That toxic parents book is very good at covering all these topics and feelings. I would recommend any book by the author Susan forward she is very good

user87382294757 · 30/06/2019 09:56

Yes, so if you said something they would be angry and say you were making up nasty things about them...due to lack of awareness. This is also why they tend not to ask for any help / therapy to deal with it, as well, (which makes things worse for them)

Watch out for hoovering now as this happens as well- the gift giving to suck you back in. Mine started sending gifts and then dad asking if had gone them etc. (like an enabler)

Herbert1234 · 01/07/2019 11:49

@justasking111 thanks for that article. It really hot home. I've felt similar for a while now. Seeing friends with close mother daughter relationships and feeling envious.

They're still at the caravan and I've heard nothing but I'm assuming this is the calm before the storm. However it's been blissful just having this time to think without any communication.

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justasking111 · 01/07/2019 12:47

@Herbert1234. It is so true, people sometimes ask how my mother is I just say ok thank you. They have no idea we have not spoken for years, nor that she harrassed us by phone, letter for many years. When we moved she found out my ex directory phone number and address. I suspect someone at the hospital she knew dug it up for her. My friends know nothing of this it is weirdly some kind of shameful secret.

Herbert1234 · 02/07/2019 10:51

@justasking111 that's awful. I'm so sorry.

I've been in touch with Mum today to meet up and talk. I'm going over there tonight whilst DP has DS.

After a lot of discussion DP and I think the best angle to come at it from is 'what is it going to take to resolve everything from the past' (I went through what could be described as teenage years from the age of 20-22. I was hideously behaved and said and did some vile things. Nothing unforgivable though. At the time I was seriously depressed, my parents were behaving the worst they ever had and my BF at the time was a horrible, cheating dickhead, so plenty of reason to behave entirely out of character and have explained this multiple times and apologised but it always comes back to 'we still haven't resolved eveeything'. This seems to be the crux of their dislike for me).

Of course when I suggested a chat with Mum she said 'i can't cope with much more right now, I'm only just starting to get my head straight, why don't you come over with DS and we can chat another day'. I've said I am also struggling and would rather chat sooner rather than later. I can't come down and pretend everything's okay but if you'd like to see DS you're welcome to have him for a bit this afternoon. I'm happy to drop him off and pick him up.' It's all just about her. My friend has literally just said 'what a shame she can't cope with the fallout of abusing her child' and it's true. Poor her. Jesus Christ, she drives me up the wall!

Sorry for the ramble again.

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 02/07/2019 10:57

You are still trying to fix her and your relationship - you can't. Let it go and focus on self care. She is who she is.
What you can do is limit the damage she causes to your children.

Herbert1234 · 02/07/2019 12:48

@thelnebriati I know. It's not what I want to do. But having spoken to DP and my nan I'm feeling a bit defeated and like I couldn't possibly upset the family by doing that. The idea is they will be end up saying either there's nothing you can do, or some ridiculous demand at which point we're caught at an impasse. I will at that point have every opportunity to say, wellb if it can't be resolved there's no point trying. I don't know, that idea may go to pot. I'm ready to call it quits but feel utterly defeated by everyone thinking it's just a bit of a falling out. We have loads of family parties and get togethers and I'd never see the rest of my family if u didn't go. They're almost always held at DM. I feel stuck.

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justasking111 · 02/07/2019 12:51

Hold your own parties, which is what I did DM not invited. Thel is right you cannot fix her.

Herbert1234 · 02/07/2019 13:31

I can't see anyone taking a stand against Mum and coming. But I suppose that's a minor issue. I can honestly say I've no intention of fixing her, I know now she'll never change. I don't actually really know why I'm doing this. Maybe as a last ditch attempt to patch things up. Even though I know it won't work.

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SingingLily · 02/07/2019 13:37

You are doing it, Herbert1234, because that's what normal decent reasonable people do - they give others a second chance or after many disappointments, one last chance. We always hope that this time it will be different. However, please be prepared for it not to work.

You can't have a relationship with a narcissist, except on their terms. Their terms are always one way. All the adjustments, all the emotional load, would have to be carried by you (and in time, by your DC if you continue to have contact with your mother). That is not, and never can be, a true and honest and loving relationship.

By all means give it one last try. I did, for much the same reasons as you. But ready yourself for the possibility that you might have to walk away and stop trying. As I did.

justasking111 · 02/07/2019 13:43

Are all your family scared of her?

Herbert1234 · 02/07/2019 15:48

@SingingLily thank you, and I'm so sorry you've had to go through this too. It's horrid.

No, they'll walk on eggshells when she's kicking off or down or angry, but for the most part they'll say what they want sort of thing. But then I've had the brunt of it all really, especially the last 5/6 years. She's never been physical with the other 3.

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AnnaNimmity · 02/07/2019 15:51

well I think you'll find that they start treating your son the same way as they treat you, and that will be the impetus to be completely NC.

For me, I left it up to my mother whether she saw the DCs, said I wouldn't stop her. She has shown no interest in seeing them at all without me there -in fact I think it's only me she wants to see.

like you, it's too hard on me to be in contact and I had to put myself first.

Herbert1234 · 02/07/2019 15:54

@Annanimmity I think that's a good way to have done it. Funnily enough my Mum buys DS loads of stuff and makes a huge fuss of him being there etc but like today she hasn't seen him for a week which is unusual and she couldn't be bothered. I don't think he'd ever really see her even if I left that door wide open. But also agree it may end up being a case of not realising how harmful it is to DS until something happens. As much as I want to believe it I just can't see her being horrible to him right now.

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EvilHerbivore · 02/07/2019 16:03

When my baby DS2 was being put in an ambulance not breathing and she phoned me screaming about how I didn't send her dog a formal invite to an upcoming family event

She told me to fuck off and I took her at her word - blocked her on all devices and moved house

DS1 was 3 and DS2 was under 1 - she'd only actually seen either of them less than 10 times so wasn't a huge presence to 'miss'
DS1 sometimes asks about grandparents when he sees other kids with theirs (their dads parents are dead so none on either side) but it's in an abstract way not missing 'her' as such

AnnaNimmity · 02/07/2019 16:13

no mine wasn't horrible to them when they were babies, but it was a bit like she was using them as a trophy to show what a wonderful grandma she was (she never actually did anything with them, or helped me out).

It started when they got older, and actually it was more the girls than the boys that she started targeting - I could see her repeating her treatment of me.

But even if she isn't horrible to him, it isn't in your interests to see her - can you arrange for your DP to be the main point of contact?

SingingLily · 02/07/2019 16:21

I don't have children, Herbert1234. Long story but I made that decision when I was about 11 or 12 because I didn't want any child of mine to endure the same miserable childhood that I'd had. I regret that now but it's too late.

My DSis is 17 years younger than me. She won first prize in the scapegoat lottery when she was still in the womb (I know this for a fact). When she was born, I fed her, changed her, hugged her, sang to her, told her bedtime stories, taught her the alphabet etc. We've always been close because of that and it's always irked my mother because of that, even though M has no interest in DSis whatsoever. Never once has M ever hugged my DSis or me. As children, we'd try to hug her but we might as well have hugged the ironing board.

DSis was braver than me. She has two lovely children but struggles to be a good mum because, let's be honest, our mother is not exactly a role model. I absolutely adore my little nieces. This is key to what I'm going to tell you next.

DSis has always been low contact with M because it's as much as she could bear. However, like you, she felt it important to give her girls contact with their grandparents so she gritted her teeth for their sake. My viper of a mother would open her arms wide and cry "my angels" and my little nieces would run to her for a hug. And all the while, my DSis would stand there in utter misery as our mother gave every impression of being a loving mother and grandmother. All a sham.

When I went NC with my mother, she couldn't get to me, even though she tried. However - remember how I said I adore my little nieces? - she realised she could get to me through them. She began treating them with casual coldness and contempt. My little nieces didn't understand why their grandmother had suddenly turned on them. It was intended to bring me to heel. My DSis realised this straight away. Now hell would freeze over before she would allow her girls into their grandmother's orbit again.

Please think about your little boy. He is an innocent child and deserves love and cuddles and affection. However, to your mother, he is just a tool. She will shower what appears to be affection on him while it is useful to her to do so. As soon as he shows some personality of his own, or whenever it becomes expedient to upset him as a means of hurting you and making you comply, she will do it.

I'm sorry to say this to you. It's hard to hear about your own mother. However, you are a mother and it's your job first and foremost to protect your little boy from harm. Thanks

Herbert1234 · 02/07/2019 17:12

Bloody hell, that's horrendous. I'm so so sorry. I agree I need to protect DS. Getting close to leaving for theirs now and feeling very nervous

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SingingLily · 02/07/2019 17:57

Good luck. Stay calm. Remember why you are doing this - for your darling son.

user87382294757 · 02/07/2019 18:42

On the subject of contact with your DC (their grand DC) where when you go NC, they start writing to your DC instead? Mine do this. first my mum then my dad. odd stuff lie going on about how wonderful my mum is and about inviting them to visit and the like?) I screen it out so the DC don't see it. they have not relationship - it is like manipulating them into seeing them.

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