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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask ,how to deal with body hair on a soon to be 12 year old?

171 replies

justcurious40 · 25/06/2019 21:25

My daughter will be 12 in the summer. She has quite a few hairs under her arms these days. I don't think she has noticed much and is not self-conscious about it, but she goes to dance classes and it is becoming more obvious to anybody who may look.

I am not sure what to do/whether I need to do anything. No one has said anything about it to her so far.

What do you all do about this? Seems so young to start shaving there but will she get teased for leaving it to grow?

OP posts:
NeckPainChairSearch · 27/06/2019 01:31

I'd treat this as an opportunity to talk - about both personal choice, and societal conditioning

This is my approach as well. We have conversations around why women are 'expected' to do certain things and men/boys aren't.

My DD's will make their own choices on this, but I definitely want them to be aware that there ARE choices.

Chipping away at the mindless sexist shit that girls have to deal with is important.

Seren85 · 27/06/2019 02:25

As a young girl I just grabbed my Dad's razor. Cut myself, explained to Mum and got my own razor and shared mum's gel etc. I swam competitively so it became obvious to me that not doing so was different. My Mum never bothered with genital topiary. I've done it in the past but cba

skybluee · 27/06/2019 02:40

I started shaving the summer before high school, I don't bother with my legs sometimes but underarms takes about a minute... I prefer it that way so do it. Everyone will have a different preference.

I'd speak to her about it, emphasise it's her choice.

Yeahnahmum · 27/06/2019 02:53

Fine age to start hair removal but don't bring it up as it seems to be YOUR insecurities and not hers. Grin

SushiForAmateurs · 27/06/2019 02:53

My DD is the same age, it's not something they worry about at that age.

Uh, it is.

I started shaving my legs at 11, and this was in the mid 80s. It was purely down to peer pressure.

I didn't realise I also needed to shave under-arm hair, until I was teased about it a year or so later by other girls.

It's all well and good encouraging your (one's) DD to rage against the machine, but quite frankly, I'll leave that to those who are big enough and ugly enough to deal with the fall out. Not my pubescent DD.

I will absolutely be breezily mentioning it as an option to my DD, if she doesn't talk to me about it first. No question.

avamiah · 27/06/2019 03:02

SushiForAmateurs,
Totally agree with you .
My 9 year old who is mixed race ( her father is Asian) has been putting hair remover on her top lip for over a year now and been shaving her legs with my permission .

avamiah · 27/06/2019 03:07

My daughter told me that girls in her class were getting bullied my other girls and boys because they had dark hairs on their top lip and also dark hairs on their legs which could be seen in PE .

Bluerussian · 27/06/2019 03:22

Agree with SushiforAmateurs.

avamiah, how sad that kids are being bullied for having unwanted hair when it is quite easily removed.

avamiah · 27/06/2019 03:29

Bluerussian,
Yes it’s shocking, but it’s up to their parents and some parents think it’s normal and that is very sad .

feathermucker · 27/06/2019 03:30

I think follow her lead. See how she feels if/when she becomes conscious of it.

From a different perspective, I have a 13 year old boy with a developing 'moustache'. Following his lead with that and will address it if he wants to at any point.

SushiForAmateurs · 27/06/2019 03:39

Look, I wish there wasn't any pressure on women and (young) girls to remove body hair. And although I shave arms and legs, I'm well past the age of doing anything more than the occasional bare (no pun intended) minimum when it comes to my pubic hair.

But there's no way I'm knowingly sending my DD out into the world, without making her aware of her options. Or more specifically, I won't send her out there to be teased and made fun of - because she will be.

If she wants to take that grief on, then more power to her, and I'll support her. But I will unquestionably be letting her know what her options are so that she can understandably avoid it if she'd prefer.

ZazieTheCat · 27/06/2019 03:47

I developed body hair at primary school and was teased after gym classes as I was one of the first girls to develop. It was the girls in my class doing the teasing, boys were still pretty oblivious.

My mum didn’t broach the subject with me and I was to shy to ask. So I tried shaving on my own with my mum’s razor. First attempt I didn’t know to wet/lubricate the skin so I butchered my ankles nicely. Once I worked out how to use the razor I shaved all the hair of my arms as well as my underarms.

My mum noticed the hacked ankles and arms and spoke to me about it then. It would have been much better if that conversation had happened a few weeks earlier.

So I would say have a gentle conversation about development/body changes. To stress that the changes are normal and they will happen to (basically) everyone else in her class eventually, even if she might happen to be one of the first. Tell her different people handle this in different ways- some leave the hair, some remove it and there are different methods for that.

Let her know she can decide what she wants to do and you’ll support her, whether that’s leave the hair or remove it. If she decides to remove it, make sure she has the right knowledge and equipment.

Might also be worth saying if anyone teases her, it’s them who aren’t handling growing up well.

avamiah · 27/06/2019 03:50

SushiForAmateurs,
100 percent Agree with what you have said.
I’m sure she will let you know her feelings just like my 9 year old told me she didn’t want to have a moustache on her top lip .

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 27/06/2019 03:58

She'll bring it up when she's ready, if she ever feels the need.

I'd be bloody proud of any daughter who didn't cave to the ridiculous expectations on women.

I don't shave my pits, it feels nicer and it looks cute. If someone doesn't like it, they're free not to look.

PregnantSea · 27/06/2019 05:07

I didn't know why some people on here are being so arsey Hmm it always seems to happen when people start talking about body hair removal... People need to simply be comfortable with their own choices and let other people do their own thing.

Anyway, OP, I agree with others who have said to completely leave it alone. If she comes to you in the future and asks for your advice on hair removal then obviously give it to her, and maybe offer to buy her a razor/epilator or whatever, but until that point just stay silent on the matter. It's up to her.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 27/06/2019 05:13

pregnant because they need everyone to validate their choices, even 12 year old girls.

Stinkycatbreath · 27/06/2019 07:23

I can see why you want to do something about it as women are told all the time that their hair is disgusting. Your intentions are clearly what you feel to be in her best interests but I would just leave it. She may or may not decide she wants it gone.

bluebluezoo · 27/06/2019 07:32

how sad that kids are being bullied for having unwanted hair when it is quite easily removed

How sad that kids are being bullied for having body hair when bullies should be dealt with, not allowed to bully.

Why is always the victims fault, and the victims obligation to change? Why is the bully not wrong and they should change their behaviour?

Ime anyway it makes no difference. Remove the body hair and you get bullied for shaving. It isn’t what you do that gets you bullied, it’s because the bully can.

Worse I ever saw was a group of kids about 10 discussing an asian toddler in the park. She had dark hair on her back above her nappy. Kids were saying it was “nasty” and mum should shave it, then going in to say how their mums made them shave.

Maybe don’t teach children body hair is disgusting?

OhTheRoses · 27/06/2019 07:33

My dd, 21 now. Started her periods at 10. She was developing at 9. We talked about it. She had a bra early. We talked about bo and showers and deodorant. I helped her use hair removal cream the first time because she was nervous of the razor.

It's a mother daughter thing. As a mother you support and facilitate. It's part of growing up.

Karwomannghia · 27/06/2019 08:51

I don’t understand why anyone would actively avoid talking about it. As if the mere acknowledgement of it being a choice for some is going to immediately brainwash them into becoming hyper body conscious and ashamed. It’s this lack of communication that can be damaging. Or just leaving a razor in view and not say anything- Why? I cut a chunk out of my leg with my brother’s face razor experimenting. Why refuse to speak about it as if it’s a shameful delicate issue. It’s not, it’s body hair we all have it and children and teens need a lot of guidance and support in all areas. Would you have the same approach with drugs and sex? Avoid avoid avoid??

LoafofSellotape · 27/06/2019 08:57

Hair removal cream. Quick and easy
Job done and worry over x

Or

Hair removal cream, chemical burns, allergy, doctor's ,sore skin and lots of worry!

Haworthia · 27/06/2019 09:21

Hair removal cream is rubbish. Why it’s considered preferable to shaving I’ll never know.

MarshaBradyo · 27/06/2019 09:25

I don’t get the leaving a razor either it doesn’t have to be a hidden thing

If dd says oh come on that’s old hat I’ll listen - but I’d much prefer a chat about growing up (got a while yet)

Same with teen boys and talking about when to start dealing with facial hair

Not onerous, but a chat about options

MarshaBradyo · 27/06/2019 09:26

Agree re hair removal cream but also waxing, painful

Bluerussian · 27/06/2019 09:56

I don't like hair removal cream. Tried waxing once and it left hairy patches as well as taking off half my skin:-). However that was a DIY effort, I suppose an expert would do it better.

A good safety razor is much more efficient, I've managed a clean shave since I was eleven. I do legs and armpits every day in the shower or bath and come out nice and smooth, it feels really nice.

I don't get 'It's up to the mother'; it's not, it's up to the girl. I never asked my mother, I just did it, used her razor until I got one of my own(not very nice but no one thought of such things when I was young). It was my business what I did in the bath, no one walked in on me but I wasn't doing anything wrong anyway.