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Original poster

To ask ,how to deal with body hair on a soon to be 12 year old?

171 replies

justcurious40 · 25/06/2019 21:25

My daughter will be 12 in the summer. She has quite a few hairs under her arms these days. I don't think she has noticed much and is not self-conscious about it, but she goes to dance classes and it is becoming more obvious to anybody who may look.

I am not sure what to do/whether I need to do anything. No one has said anything about it to her so far.

What do you all do about this? Seems so young to start shaving there but will she get teased for leaving it to grow?

OP posts:
Original poster
justcurious40 · 25/06/2019 21:50

@Pannalash
Of course no one would say it to a boy because the fact is that many girls/women DO remove their body hair whereas few boys/men do.

We can't get away from that fact.

It's just a question of how to deal with it sensitively with no pressure to either remove or not.

OP posts:
PregnantOnPurpose · 25/06/2019 21:52

Aw OP I really feel for you, I can imagine you dont want her to be teased when and if it is noticed, as that may knock her self confidence.. but then you also dont want to normalise the 'need' for removing body hair.

I would do either one of these:

  1. sit down with DD, explain that now she is getting older she may have notice hair under her arms, explain it's normal and some girls decide to shave it off when they are older, but also some girls dont, explain shaving can feel itchy the first few times and one you start shaving you probably wont stop, it's an extra chore. French woman are very open with under arm.

Or 2) wait until DD talk to you, if you have an open relationship she will probably tell you if anyone mentions it or if she has noticed herself. Then explain second half of above, she can either leave it as much as she is comfortable with it, or she can trim it, or shave it/remove it.

Let her know that the option is hers and hers only. What people say is just a matter of opinion and there is no right or wrong way to groom yourself.

Feelingwalkedover · 25/06/2019 21:53

Whilst it’s all very trendy to let it bush at the moment
Child she may be ,but with secondary school in September I wouldn’t be letting my child attend with hairy pits...I’ve just had 3 go through secondary school,and it’s any excuse to bully ,so I’d be getting some suitable razors and gel and giving them her .
I know we shouldn’t be putting all that society expects blah blah blah crap on girls ,but bullying can ruin your school days .

Ilikesweetpeas · 25/06/2019 21:54

I'm in the same situation as you with my daughter OP. I have explained to her what I do about hair removal, and also said some women don't remove their body hair which is also fine- I tried to be matter of fact and say it's personal preference. So far she has only wanted toe hair removing! Unfortunately she has inherited my hobbit toes! We used cream for that. She tells me she'll ask me to help her with underarm hair when she's got a bit more. She's quite interested in the sprouting hairs, but definitely doesn't want a bikini wax - told her I'm with her on that one!!

Pipandmum · 25/06/2019 21:54

My daughter is 14 and doesn’t shave. Never mentions it. Her brother has occasionally pointed out the obvious but she doesn’t care. No one else has said anything to her either.
Do you think she’d ask you about it if she wanted to? If you do then just wait. Or just ask her if she’s wants to without making her feel like she has to.

Mokepon · 25/06/2019 21:57

I have a DD the same age.
I think it's our duty as parents and especially mothers to empower our daughters to make these choices for themselves. So discuss the reasons behind people's choices regarding clothes/makeup etc but let her know it's absolutely her decision.
Just this evening mine said to me 'I wish we didn't evolve from apes as then I wouldn't be so hairy'. She is not very hairt.
But it's all under discussion...she's not keen on hairy knees but the rest is ok apparently Confused. We'll just keep talking and I think that's what you need to do. Open the discussion but let her lead.

Gottoloveabagel · 25/06/2019 21:58

I've had discussions with both mine and said they can decide what they want to do. One waxes her armpits with strips!!

I know of children who end up feeling self conscious and on my wear jumpers in the summer as they are too embarrassed about hairs and don't want to tell their parents, I do not want mine to fall into that category

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 25/06/2019 21:59

My DD is 12 and she epilates her legs and armpits. She seems immune to the pain which baffles me! Grin

She's a dancer to and asked herself to remove it, I didn't suggest it at all.

If she's not bothered I'd leave it for now.

PregnantOnPurpose · 25/06/2019 22:00

I think the hairless trend is starting to die down a little anyway. When I was younger hair was absolutely forbidden so frowned upon as a girl.

But I'm 23 now and although I do still remove all hair I can safely say if I didnt i wouldnt feel judged. It definitely feel more normalised to have hair now than it did 5 years ago.

Karwomannghia · 25/06/2019 22:02

I just said to dd if you ever want to shave your armpits then let me know so I can get you the right razor and explain how to do it but it’s absolutely fine if you don’t want to. I’ve advised her not to do her legs as they’re practically hairless anyway.

MarshaBradyo · 25/06/2019 22:03

I don’t think shaving underarms is a bad thing at 12, nor the op helping her on how

globygol · 25/06/2019 22:08

I was quite a hairy 12 year old. My mum used to use hair removal cream on my underarms. It's not something we spoke about in depth. She just did it. This may sound weird but I really appreciate that she did that when I think back on it. I think it's very sweet that you're concerned with it and will prob feel the same regarding my dds when they start sprouting. I think it's less about appearance and more about cleanliness and hygiene.

BiscuitDrama · 25/06/2019 22:10

I’d just try and talk to her about it, in a general way and say that some people shave it, some people don’t and either is fine.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 25/06/2019 22:14

At 12 presumably you've had some conversations about puberty etc? I got my DD the Usborne "What's happening to me" book which we read and discussed together and has a section on body hair.

Then a while after she started to get some underarm hair she asked about removal and we've used cream a couple of times. If she doesn't mention it I don't bring it up though.

I do have mixed feelings about it however, particularly as she's quite young - not 10 until October.

Youngandfree · 25/06/2019 22:15

Make up a little cute bag with some nice shaving/shower cream, a razor, a flannel and some moisturizer. Go into her and say to her:
Darling, I Have noticed that you have started to grow some under arm hair and I just want to give you this. If YOU feel like YOU want to do something with it then that’s ok, and also if you don’t that too is ok. If you need help or want me to talk you through shaving then just ask, that’s why I’m here. But just to let you know if you do shave do not to spray on deodorant straight away because it will sting 😂

CountFosco · 25/06/2019 22:19

I think it's less about appearance and more about cleanliness and hygiene.

So why don't men shave their underarms? It is nothing to do with hygiene and everything to do with fashion. Thankfully the OP seems thoughtful so I'm sure she'll manage to have a sensible conversation with her DD that leaves it open for her DD to make her own choice.

TheBrockmans · 25/06/2019 22:21

When I mentioned it to my then 13yr old I got a long lecture about not conforming to society and why should women need to remove their hair but men don't. Think attitudes have shifted somewhat.

recklessruby · 25/06/2019 22:24

I m quite fair but remember having hairy armpits and legs at 12. I felt really self conscious so asked my mum what to do. It was excruciatingly embarrassing but she bought me hair removal cream which worked.
Talk to her. I bet she s noticed.

TheSmallAssassin · 25/06/2019 22:29

I didn't think it would be long before someone mentioned cleanliness and hygiene, honestly, globygol it is all about appearance. Body hair, even, gasp, under your arms is not unhygienic or dirty.

justcurious40, I'm glad you don't want to push her either way, I think others are right, you can start a casual conversation with your daughter and ask her what she thinks about her body hair, what she thinks about what others do, that you think it's OK to do what you want (and change your mind!) and then you can slip in that she can let you know if there's anything she needs.

I can't remember how me and my daughter started talking about it, but she did ask for some razors. I've no idea what she shaves. She knows I only do my legs. I make a point of asking her occasionally, "I'm off to the shops, let me know if you need any more pads or anything else", so it's obvious I'm asking about personal stuff. She has read "Girl up" and has her own opinions about what girls are expected to do!

I hate that people are suggesting that your daughter should change how she looks in case she gets bullied, would we say that about any other aspect of her being? If she was getting bullied for reading too much, or doing well in a test? Ooh, better not do too well, or people will bully you for being a swot Hmm

twosoups1972 · 25/06/2019 22:39

This thread is bonkers. ‘Hang ups’ ??! Most women in the UK choose to remove underarm hair and I imagine they don’t give a fuck about ‘society norms’. That said though you don’t need to rush into anything OP, you could wait to see if it bothers her or give her some possible options.

I wouldn’t recommend shaving, it grows back in a day and high maintenance. I have 3 dds, 16 year old prefers waxing and I take her to have it done in a salon. Lasts for ages. My other two dds can’t tolerate the pain of waxing and use a cream. It’s a bit messy but gives a good result.

BogglesGoggles · 25/06/2019 22:42

Set a good example. Let her see that you have body hair too and that it’s not something she should be ashamed of.

Hayls17 · 25/06/2019 22:55

I started puberty quite early and had grown a lot of hair by 9 or 10. My mum never broached the subject of hair removal with me at this stage and I didn’t with her. I was a keen swimmer and remember my teacher asking me to demonstrate a dive to the class and I felt so conscious and embarrassed by my armpit hair. Nearly 20 years on and I can still remember how uncomfortable I felt. Not sure why, there wasn’t the same pressures of social media etc, I don’t remember anyone commenting or laughing, but I definitely felt uncomfortable. I would maybe gently broach the subject and say that some women prefer to leave their hair, some prefer to remove it. Either way it’s no big deal and it’s down to whichever you feel more comfortable with. Leave the ball in her court.

24hourhomeedderandcarer · 25/06/2019 23:03

When I mentioned it to my then 13yr old I got a long lecture about not conforming to society and why should women need to remove their hair but men don't. Think attitudes have shifted somewhat

my attitude 100% and im 38 and never shaved anything

doesnt stop me wearing shorts or swimming

would this question be asked if this was a 12 y old boy?

BlueJag · 25/06/2019 23:03

I would talk to her about options. For example if you shave would she like to do the same or leave it.
Just a candid conversation about body hair and what to expect.
I had that conversation with my 13 year old son as his Dad has very hairy chest and he said he will be shaving it all.
I had the talk about deodorant and he isn't very keen on using it but needs must. Smile

Snowy81 · 26/06/2019 00:09

I know when I started High school, all the girls were already removing their under arm and leg hair.