To ask ,how to deal with body hair on a soon to be 12 year old?

[justcurious40]

My daughter will be 12 in the summer. She has quite a few hairs under her arms these days. I don't think she has noticed much and is not self-conscious about it, but she goes to dance classes and it is becoming more obvious to anybody who may look.

I am not sure what to do/whether I need to do anything. No one has said anything about it to her so far.

What do you all do about this? Seems so young to start shaving there but will she get teased for leaving it to grow?

@TheSmallAssassin @CountFosco I think it's unhygienic as those are the areas which you sweat in the most and I also think men should remove pubic and underarm hair. However, this is the norm in my culture, not just for women but also for men. Legs is a different matter which I feel is only for appearance

@TheSmallAssassin @CountFosco Having said that, Europeans have far less body hair so maybe can avoid removing it.

I fretted about this a few years ago with DD1. I didnt want her thinking she had to remove it but she was also swimming a lot and it was becoming obvious. The post-pubertal older girls who swim are pretty much hairless (as are the boys for big competitions).

In the end I told her I’d noticed that she had some underarm hair, that she didn’t have to remove it, that it was perfectly normal and some women choose to and some don’t.

She had a good look in the mirror and shaved them immediately

I think it's unhygienic as those are the areas which you sweat in the most and I also think men should remove pubic and underarm hair.

You do know that the myth that it is in any way more hygienic to remove pubic hair has been thoroughly debunked, don't you?

I'd wait until she asks. I have two teenage DD's and they both came to me at 12 and asked to shave underarms and legs.

My DD is nearly 12 too. She has fair hair on her legs which doesn’t bother her, but she came to me a few months ago and asked about her underarm hair. I’d already noticed it but hadn’t mentioned it to her.

I told her that some women choose to remove theirs, others don’t, either is fine etc. She said she wanted to. I told her about various methods, but she knows I use an epilator so she chose to do the same. It’s only a few hairs at the moment so it wasn’t vary painful for her.

I became really hairy about this age and I was too scared to tell my mum I wanted to remove it. I became incredibly self conscious - I'd look out for her becoming self conscious. Trying to cover herself up far more etc. And then approach her about it. If she hasn't noticed then leave it.

I have never shaved - underarm, legs, anywhere else and I never will. When we had the talk about periods I explained to my kids why I didnt do this and also said that I would support their choices to shave or not to shave. the most important thing was that they should never feel obliged to do it but it should be their personal choice.

Yes it’s ridiculous that women have to shave their armpits....BUT unless the world has become a much kinder place since I was a teenager (spoiler alert - it hasn’t) she will totally get teased.

Be a kind mum and ask her if she wants any hair removal cream or anything. If she doesn’t then fine but at least make her aware.

Shaving causes folliculitis and so is less hygienic than not shaving, particularly in areas which are hidden under clothes and so are warm and sweaty - a perfect breeding ground for bacteria to infect skin damaged by shaving.

My 12 year old shaves her armpits. We're a very open family and I noticed she had hairs and mentioned it in a "ooh, look at you getting all grown up" kind of way. I asked if she wanted to shave (she sees me shaving various body parts) and she said she did so I got her a shaver and told her the best way to do it. She hasn't asked to start shaving her legs (and I haven't mentioned it) but if/when she does then I'll say yes. I had terrible hairy legs but my Mum wouldn't let me shave until I was older and got teased for it.

I'd tackle it when you're shopping. Wander up the appropriate aisle pick something up for you and ask if she wants anything. She can say what she wants, or doesn't, and know you are open to the issue in the future. Don't make it a big deal, lots of young women don't shave now.

If/when she decides to shave please buy her a decent razor and give her some advice - especially about knees and ankles! My DM was vehemently anti-shaving so I was forced to steal my dad’s cheap disposable razors. This resulted in 12-year-old me cutting my legs so badly I once passed out in the shower and I still have the scars.

Hopefully she’ll not feel pressured but society being what it is etc etc...

I started shaving my underarms at 10. I see no reason to prevent a nearly 12 year old from doing the same.

I don’t know about the when/how aspect but would recommend waxing (or epilator) over shaving. I have waxed for years and the regrow is very very light.

My mum, many many (!) years ago just said to me something along the lines of 'I notice you look like you're hitting puberty. Don't forget to let me know if you need sanitary towels (I hadn't started at that point). Some women like to remove hair on their legs or in their armpits. You don't have to, it's up to you (mum didn't, we all decided we'd like to). But if you do decide you want to remove hair anywhere on your body - talk to me. There's an art to shaving so I don't want you hurting yourself and some creams can cause a rash - just let me know and we'll sort it out together' and that was it. I decided I wanted to shave it off and mum taught me how to do it without shredding my skin!

She’s a child why on earth would anyone ‘suggest’ to a child that it’s a societal ‘norm’ for girls to start removing body hair. Would you say the same to a boy?. Yes,some 12 year old boys shave and I know dads who have encouraged their boys to shave .

I would be led by her OP. I wouldn't encouraging cream as it can burn delicate skin. I would get her an electric lady shave type thing when she wants to.

I would bring it up, kids are cruel and I wouldn’t want her to come to you when she’s upset because they’ve been teasing (that’s what happened to me - a whole few days of being called a monkey!! ) my mum let me veet first then I moved onto shaving when older.

My mum wouldn't let me shave,I used a rusty razor that was in the house of someone I was babysitting,omg the burning pain!!!

** also didn't know I needed to use soap or shaving foam!

I remember when I was that aged and being mortified by my body hair but having no idea how to remove it and being to embarrassed to ask. We had regular school swimming lessons and I'd get teased about my armit hair.
I ended up dry shaving them with my dad's blunt razor and making myself so sore.
I wish my mum had talked to me about hair removal. She just used to tell me I was too young to worry about it.
I also badly cut my ankles trying to shave my legs (I still have the scars at 37).

It’s your responsibility to prepare her for puberty. You should definitely raise it as she is probably too embarrassed to do so. You can just say you’ve noticed she has some hair, which is a normal part of puberty. Some women decide to remove that hair, others don’t - either option is fine. If you do want to remove it this is how you do so safely, but you shouldn’t feel any pressure to do so if you don’t want to.

That gives her the knowledge she needs to make the decision herself.

My mum didn’t raise it with me and I was left feeling deeply embarrassed, was bullied and ended up hurting myself as I tried to cut it off with scissors

You're right to think about how tk handle this sensitively, OP. Personally, I'd treat this as an opportunity to talk - about both personal choice, and societal conditioning.

"I've noticed this...some people choose to do this, because.....others choose to do this, because...."

And to build into that a discussion about societal norms...what's good and what's not about that...the effect that it has on individuals...etc"

Basically, giving her agency. Otherwise, you're making the decision for her.

But, personally, I always take the chance to discuss with my daughters issues like this, and what is / isn't reasonable about society's expectations. But I'm probably sensitive to that, as a single dad to daughters. Personally, I try to cultivate a relationship with my girls where we can, and do, discuss anything.

Bloody hell ignore the body hair police.

You are right to think about how to handle it. People are horrible about these things, especially kids, and I bet the vast majority of women remove body hair so it's only fair to make sure she knows it's all normal.

Just have a little chat with her, tell her she will notice hair in places she hasn't had it before. Some people remove it, some people don't. It's totally up to her. But remind her to please let you know and don't feel embarrassed so you can help get anything she needs.

My mum never did and it let to me feeling very awkward and embarrassed. I used to pinch razors from the bathroom cabinet and hide them so I could remove hair in secret. Bloody ridiculous looking back, a simple conversation would have made me feel better.

I would do as pps have suggested and point it out as part of an overall bodily changes chat and explain she can choose to shave it or leave it, both of which is fine.

The only thing I wouldn't do as leave a razor out. Let he approach you if she wants one.

When I was about 10 girls in my primarily school started shaving their arms and laughed at me for having arm hair. I went home and got hold of DFs razor, and shaved my arms and my legs. At age 10. It itched like mad, grew back thicker, and I was mortified when DM noticed. I think she had a word with my school after that.

I've never shaved them since (arms) but they are still the same.