I've upset ExHs GF

[WanderYonder]

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

Haven’t read whole thread but...
This...
Celtic1hair

How strange! Maybe just a polite reply pointing out that it is in your child's best interest not to completely segregate his relationships with each parent, and that in the spirit of co-parenting these little acts are hugely beneficial for your child. Then ask him to consider whose feelings are more important in such situations.... His DP or your D

With bells on

I think you both should leave the GF completely out of it. She seems to be a bit of a red herring

She's not a red herring. He was happy on receipt of the card and said he'd put it on his bedside...things took a nasty turn when he got home and GF saw it.

It's pure and utter jealousy at it's finest.

Something nice happened and she wasn't involved in it.
So absolutely pathetic, insecure and sad.

What fully functioning adult has a problem with her BFs DS, giving his dad a funny card and drawing a picture.

It's quite easy to say he should grow a pair and man up...but what about the countless women who cut off friends and family because of a BF/DH/DP not liking them? As independent women, should they not woman up?

Women can be controlling and manipulative enough to make a man do what he doesn't truly want to. If he's weak to follow her lead, then women in the same situation are equally weak.

Ppl do things they don't want to at the hands of a jealous and insecure partner every day.

That email was sent under the unstruction of his GF... that much is clear to see.

Sounds like he was fine with the card until his GF intervened. He's pathetic for putting her childishness ahead of his son.

And his very formal e-mail appears to have been dictated with the Mad Bat looking over his shoulder if you ask me.

Silly trout needs to get out of her own arse - and you ex needs to tell her.

Your DS is 7 - as a PP has said, don't take these small delights from him. He doesn't need to be dragged into this stupid woman's paranoia.

Oh I like @Juells response. I'd add an extra but will be there for DS after you and GF upset him with this pettiness.
Some men are completely spineless.

Okay... the question has to be asked... have you ever been stalkery with him? Did he break up with you? Have you ever harrassed him?

That’s the only reason I can think that he would feel the need to have such a boundary as that with you. I know everyone on here is saying how ridiculous but more context is needed to know if it really is ridiculous or not... my ex stalked, harassed and did something awful to me after I ended it with him. He was always sat in his car outside mine. He would hang around places I was going, pull my clothes off non consensually, would refuse to leave my home after dropping off DD to the point where I’d be in tears.. etc and now I have enforced boundaries with him and he is not even allowed to speak to me. I don’t accept gifts from him either even if it’s similar to what you are describing. I’m just saying... there is probably a reason for the boundary in place? Did you behave strangely in the past?

My husband I have been married for over 20 years. He had a two year old when we got together. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to think I was the only person who should be facilitating greeting cards from my now step son to his dad. If anything I thought it wasn’t my place to buy those cards. I was lucky that we have always had a good relationship with hubby’s ex. This girlfriend sounds like she needs to find a boyfriend without a last life!!

The thing is, his son will grow up knowing that he put his GF first, kids pick up on these things.

Honestly, what is DS’s relationship like with the GF?
It doesn’t sound as though she has his happiness in the forefront of his mind.

Dad is just spineless and pathetic, and he will lose out in the end

*of her mind

DC takes after me. He is wonderful

Atta Girl!

gf will never come first and as above she is insecure -pathetic

He sounds awful tbh, and his GF has her punishment by having him as a DP. You're well rid.

So hang on. If exh has dc, and dc sees something he knows that you would love, and asks exh to get it for him....... then what? Is exh supposed to contact your boyfriend and ask him to meet them in the shop to purchase it, or I’d dc just told “no”

This is awful OP - YANBU!
I'm the child in this situation! Lived with mum and step-dad and visited dad on weekends. He had looooads of GF's over the years and I hated each and every one of them! All tried to act like my mum and I had little respect for it. Much less them bad-mouthing my mum in front of me!
My mum - even tho she hated him - always bought father's day/birthday/Xmad cards on my behalf for my dad. I then wrote them out (she never read them; she had more respect for me than that!) and I gave them to him when I saw him.
I think you may have to let this slide for now; your DS will eventually realise her insecurities and probably rebel.
In the meantime; buy the little spur-of-the-moment gifts for your EX; bc it will make your son happy to do so for his dad. If he (or she) doesn't like it - tough! 🙄
YANBU though! And it has nothing to do with her anyway!

Bloody Hell, I was responding to individual points then deleted the lot by accident. I was probably waffling too much anyway. To those suggesting there's more to this or that I could have overstepped the mark in the past, I cannot think of any occasion or incident where this could be the case. I have very little to do with ex and nothing at all with GF. But, our divorce has taken an extremely long time and I am very sure this has been blamed on me, by ex, and could well be contributing to GF not liking me much or perhaps perceiving me as somehow clinging on to the marriage.

It's also possible that this has come from ex and he's simply pinning it on her, which wouldn't at all surprise me since he's done the same to me in the past many times, especially with parenting stuff (something will bug him that doesn't bug me, but he wants me to inform and enforce so he looks like the good guy). But, he seemed very genuinely delighted by DCs card, so I think he sent what he did because she was upset for whatever reason.

If you really wish to make the point you could always say "I'm are not prepared to stop ds making his own spontaneous purchases for you and so I will let ds know that he can keep them at our house until either gf deems him old enough to buy his own presents or you split up with her (whichever comes first)"

Alternatively (as a pp suggested) "I am happy to post any spontaneous gifts to your work/parents so that gf won't be upset by seeing ds being nice to you off his own bat."

He is not her son. Parents normally help children buy cards and gifts for the other parent. She is not a parent, and she sounds ridiculously insecure and jealous, which can’t be at all good for your ds. His dad needs to see this and prioritise his child.

I get cards and gifts for DD's dad on behalf of DD. He thanks me profusely. I also get his girlfriend cards too, thankfully we all get on like a house on fire, and our daughter benefits from that. Was super touched when he turned up on mother's day with flowers and they both gave me a Christmas gift.
Your ex and his girlfriend sound miserable and silly, cutting their noses off to spite their faces!

'Fuck of you weirdos' would be my response to your thankfully exh and deranged gf!

YANBU. Had similar with my exH. GF insisted on taking DS out to buy birthday, christmas and Fathers day presents for his Dad. It saved me money so OK. DS was about 8 or 9 yo. We were shopping and he saw a key ring with a tiger on it (ExH is mad on tigers) so he used his pocket money to buy it. ExH was delighted and put it on his keys. GF went mental. It wasn't my place to buy things for ExH!!! So I replied telling him that if he didn't want his DS to buy him presents with his pocket money he should tell him himself.

Could you tell him that DC used his pocket money?

Ok I've sent the following.

I think we need to be clear that this was something between you and your son; GF and I are not involved in it. I facilitated a cheap purchase because he wanted to do something nice for you, just as I imagine you would do should the occasion ever arise (!) when he would like to do something similar for me. I have no intention of telling DC that his gift was 'inappropriate'; or that it has hurt the feelings of another adult who is wholly unconnected to the event. If you and GC would like to tell him this yourselves then that is entirely up to you, but I think you should bear in mind that we all have a responsibility to keep him as separate from any personal issues between us, the adults in the family, as we possibly can; and work together to make his life as happy as possible. It made him happy to do this nice thing for you, and his intention was to make you happy.

Was tempted to add "you undeserving wankbadger" at the end of it but I held back.

Bloody Hell AnotherWickedWitch what is wrong with these people?!

Well done, Wander. And on omitting the wankbadger bit, it was warranted but probably not politic.

Good response OP.

Great response, Wander - let's see what he comes back with.

Wankbadger might be my new favourite insult