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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset ExHs GF

378 replies

WanderYonder · 25/06/2019 17:47

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel Hmm about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

OP posts:
thetoddleratemyhomework · 26/06/2019 14:16

I would either stay silent at this point or say:

"So just to clarify, if our son asks to buy a specific present or card for you in future whilst he is with me, you would like me to tell him no I cannot buy it. I am not going to be the bad guy by saying no without giving a reason, so I will just be honest and say that you and GF have asked me not to let him buy anything for you without GF's permission and that he always has to ask GF before he buys anything for you even with his own pocket or treat money in case GF wants to plan something different.

I will not question this rule in front of him and will instead allow him to form his own views, but kids are not stupid and it might affect his relationship with you and GF as it is effectively a form of rejection of his efforts to do nice things in the moment. To clarify, I am very happy to not suggest that he does nice things for you off my own back, as I have done so far, but this is different - you are asking me to tell him he cannot do nice things for you unless he is with GF when he suggests them himself"

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 14:19

@MonkeyTrap - my first response was to @Juells, not you, sorry. I wasnt arguing your point at all :) Im just still getting used to how this site works. I think its largely that mums can have a go at you then report you when you fight back, but I'm not sure.

ISmellBabies · 26/06/2019 14:19

They're reaping what they've sewn. He was cheating on both of you in the "overlap" and their relationship has mistrust at its foundation. Their shittiness of character shouldn't be allowing them to treat a 7yo like this though.

I'd have to respond "I'm calling an end to this nonsense right now before ds finds out and gets really hurt. To be clear, if ds wants to get you a token gift because he loves you, I will not upset him by saying no in order to indulge your girlfriend's ridiculous insecurity. Don't ask me about this again".

AryaStarkWolf · 26/06/2019 14:21

@FightingForSMsEverywhere Do you really think that the OP should have said no to her 7 year old when he wanted to buy a card for his dad? That's so cruel

floribunda18 · 26/06/2019 14:31

Tell her not to tell you how to behave with your own child, and not to contact you directly further unless it is an emergency and absolutely necessary.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 14:32

@arya - for gods sake, read my posts and TRY and understand what I've said. Do I honestly have to repeat myself?! YES, the child should buy his father whatever he wants to, of bloody course he should!!! I am saying, the REASON they may have insisted she not do it again is likely to be more to do with the past events than just this ONE OFF. The dad sounds like a heaving great knobhead, but who is to say OP hasnt caused him and his GF a lot of trouble and heartache since they've split, which may be why they want to completely separate the households?! I dont know the answer, what I am saying is THERE IS MORE TO THIS STORY THAN THE 100 OR SO WORDS OP HAS TOLD US, there is more to this story then simply "GF IS A BITCH". End.

TitianaTitsling · 26/06/2019 14:34

Bat-tick teabag looking crazy of them both!!!

floribunda18 · 26/06/2019 14:35

There are always two sides to the story and we can only go by what the OP tells us on any thread, but it's best not to wildly speculate and particularly not to project your own experiences about what the other side of the story might be.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/06/2019 14:36

@FightingForSMsEverywhere That's an awful lot of assumptions you've made there

SushiForAmateurs · 26/06/2019 14:36

this was probably bought on by PRIOR issues.

There are inevitably 'prior issues'. How can there not be?

GF has done a great job on herself, on this one though, hasn't she.

In case you're new here, you may have missed the many, many, many, many threads where unreasonable OPs have had their arses handed to them on a plate so spectacularly, that they disappear and even de-reg.

MNers have no compunction in telling people when they're in the wrong. They delight in it.

But your agenda is such that you need to place the OP in the wrong, even when all indicators show that in this particular instance, that is very unlikely.

If you're convinced you're right, perhaps you can suggest how the OP could reasonably refuse her son this sort of request in the future.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 14:38

@AryaStarkWolf - Isnt it presumptive to assume the GF is just a bitch and that there couldnt possibly be anything more to the story? Which is what almost everyone else has done.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 14:40

@sushi Im not saying OP should say no. Im saying JUST maybe her previous behaviour towards her ex has bought this on and she's equally culpable to why the child is now suffering.

SushiForAmateurs · 26/06/2019 14:40

Maybe.

Maybe not.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 14:41

@sushi - And the GF hasnt done any job on herself, the father has completely and cowardly thrown her under the bus. If it were my OH, i'd be packing his bags for the complete disrespect he'd shown me in front of his ex-wife.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/06/2019 14:43

@FightingForSMsEverywhere Well not really, people are just judging by the information they've been given

Veryveryouting · 26/06/2019 14:43

Sorry if already asked but with regards to the "arrangement", does GF actually purchase cards and the likes with your DS present? So he is still effectively choosing? Because if she's demanding that she purchases said items, and does so without DS there, then that really is mental.

Also, I don't think you've done anything wrong and you have full rights to disregard this madness.

SushiForAmateurs · 26/06/2019 14:44

How do you know he 'threw her under the bus'?

The OP has outlined why she is under the impression that the email (unusual means of correspondence in the first place) seemed very much to be carefully crafted by ex and GF.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 14:47

My OH would never agree to send an email to his ex that he didnt wholeheartedly agree to and support. It is the fathers fault, whether the GF was stood over his shoulder or not. What kind of spineless twot do we think we are we talking about here? Or maybe we're not. Maybe he agrees that he doesnt want OP to do it and he's putting it on the GF so that OP cant argue it. Who. Knows.

CanILeavenowplease · 26/06/2019 14:49

THERE IS MORE TO THIS STORY THAN THE 100 OR SO WORDS OP HAS TOLD US, there is more to this story then simply "GF IS A BITCH"

The girlfriend is making demands of a parent and a child that are entirely unreasonable. It is OK for the child to want to give his father a card. He doesn't have to wait until he is with his step mother to make that request. The GF is utterly unhinged if she think's it's OK to say the child isn't allowed to do this nice thing for his father outwith her presence. Doesn't matter what the back story is, this request is unreasonable.

SushiForAmateurs · 26/06/2019 14:50

Look, I get it.

You're a step-mother. You need to stick up for other step-mothers, regardless of the rationality of their antics.

I have zero experience of step-mothers or step-parenting. Never had one. Never been one.

So I'm just going on the information presented, and it's all a bit ... unnecessary and petty. GF and ex would be better off just getting on with their lives, both of them. And leaving OP to do the same.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 14:53

Im honestly not sure how many more ways I can put my point. I agree kid can buy the father what he likes. I think there is more to the story as to why the father asked the mother not to do it.

Come on people, real bloody life here, people dont just go around spiting their kids for shits and giggles. No decent father would do this. So HE's either not decent (nothing to do with his GF, bitch or otherwise) or he has real cause to ask the mother not to.

Scoobydobbywho · 26/06/2019 14:53

I would like to think I would have responded by saying "it wasn't from me, its from your dc so stop being such a knobbucket. Hmm

mokapot · 26/06/2019 14:56

@regmover
Has it spot on

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 26/06/2019 14:57

'Noted. In the future I will allow GF to purchase your gifts, and should DS find something he wishes to buy for you because he thought you would like it and is proud that he is now old enough to choose your gifts himself, I'll tell him that you have no interest in receiving it and that he has to speak to GF and buy you something she thinks is appropriate because you care more about her feelings than your sons. Tosser. and will tell DS to let her know if he has any gift ideas for you.'

What an absolute idiot. YADNBU Op.

SushiForAmateurs · 26/06/2019 14:59

So HE's either not decent (nothing to do with his GF, bitch or otherwise) or he has real cause to ask the mother not to.

So you're saying it's completely impossible that GF is in any way at fault here. It 100% has to either be a deadbeat Dad or a bitter Mum?

GF is blameless...?

Er, what were you saying about 'real life'...?! Grin