I've upset ExHs GF

[WanderYonder]

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

Actually, a message along the lines of “Refusing to let [son] buy you a card he liked would have upset him. I think in this case, it is up to the grown ups to think of [son]’s feelings, rather than their own.

I don’t think we need to correspond on this any further.”

Yeah, I know it’s snotty but never mind. Alternatively just don’t reply.

Lets all attack the GF without knowing the whole back story hey!

Firstly, she may simply be insecure, does that make her a terrible human being? @FizzyGreenWater this does NOT make her a twat, in fact you sound like a twat for suggesting her own partner might think that of her. Maybe he respects her wishes because he loves her and knows how complex the situation can be. Maybe OP has history of being overly present and inserting herself in ExH's life whilst not having respect for the fact he has a new partner. No where near enough information here to base a decision on.

But carry on supporting the mother, she couldnt POSSIBLY have done anything in the past to have made the GF feel the need to put her foot down.

Child should buy his father what he wants, that is not the point, but there is a reason GF has felt the need to have OH specifically email the childs mother. I very much doubt this is a standalone issue.

Child should buy his father what he wants, that is not the point

Actually that is the only point.

@FizzyGreenWater has nailed it.

But carry on supporting the mother, she couldnt POSSIBLY have done anything in the past to have made the GF feel the need to put her foot down.

The OP should never have agreed to the stupid 'GF chooses all cards and gifts forever and ever Amen' rule, that's where she went wrong

Something tells me you think such rules are perfectly acceptable and the OP should crawl away into the bushes and stop annoying everyone by thinking she has any input.

@juells - OP isnt relevant to her ex's life anymore, so I'm not sure what point you are trying to make?

Why would OP wish to still buy her ex presents several times a year? My OH ended up with SportDirects 50% off socks from my SC's mother, she couldnt have shown any more contempt. So now I do, and take them to buy something thoughtful for him. Problem?

OP appears to have overstepped the mark at some point or another. Being a mother doesnt mean you have rights over your ex's life, nor his relationship with his child.

OP appears to have overstepped the mark at some point or another.

only to you. And I don't know where you are getting the "buying presents several times a year" for her ex. Her ds bought his dad a card while out with his mum. As simple as that. But apparently all cards addressed to daddy have to go through gf like some sort of human sorting office. weird.

DH’s ex once sent DSD with a gift “for the weekend” still in the packaging addressed to “Mr and Mrs DH” at her address that was overstepping the mark - they had been divorced a good 5/6 years and separated longer and she’d changed back to her maiden name! I still don’t mind a card for Father’s Day!

@mrswhatever - I dont recall personally abusing you, it cant have been that good if I've forgotten it this soon.

I suppose calling me deranged isnt abuse? Typical hypocritical BM.

Fathers day, birthday day, Christmas day. Is that not several? To help you out

What are you on about. The GF already does all these. I know reading posts can be hard sometimes but the OP was quite clear.

I think you might want to read the post prior to mine before preaching about it not being hard to follow the line of conversation my dear.

It was me you called a dipshit I believe fighting, not MrsBert. You seem very exercised about this card.

ah there it is "my dear". bingo

I love it the second anyone has ANY other view other than the poor mother being absolutely right about everything, that you all turn into raving lunatics determined to shout me down. Its fab. I love it here.

OP isnt relevant to her ex's life anymore, so I'm not sure what point you are trying to make?

Haha, your slip is showing Your user name explains your goadiness though.

She's relevant to her child's life.

Im not exercised about anything, I'm not entirely sure what that means. Exercise is a swear word in my world, but I'm sure its nowt to do with that.

I originally gave a differing opinion that there may be more history to this than OP states. End. Being a mother doesnt make you right, nor does it give you rights to disrespect someone elses wishes.

@Juells Completely agree, as is the father. And the father has asked she doesnt do it. The father is happy the GF does it. What is the problem here other than OP getting the hump about being asked not to do, something she was already asked not to do, again?

Because you can't - or shouldn't - control the loving instincts of a 7-year-old child. It would be nuts to remove the rubbish card from his sticky little fingers and gently explain "No, darling, DH's GF is the ultimate authority on what Daddy likes now. You only think Daddy would like this, GF knows better."

Fighting

I am an SM and it’s mostly without any reward and just fucking hard work. I’m not fond of “BM” I think she’s a bit of a twat. But in this instance I do think the Dad and GF have gotten it wrong. The son chose the card, not OP.

I’d be delighted if DSD chose her dad a card. She’s never asked to buy anyone a gift and a genuine gesture like that would be welcome.

No, Daddy chose to email Mummy and ask her not to. Daddy could have told GF "no GF, I disagree, you are a twat and I hate you", but he did not. He emailed Mummy to tell her he felt it was disrespectful because they had already asked previously that she not do that. Daddy should not have thrown GF under the bus saying its her problem and, if he didnt agree with GF, he shouldnt have emailed Mummy. But he did, symbolizing, at the very least, compliance.

Simple.

The directive comes from Daddy.

Daddy sounds like a wanker. But that's beside the point.

No he shouldn’t have thrown the GF under a bus. But he did so we know what we know.

Id just reply and say "No problem, next time DS see's something and asks me if he can buy it for his dad, Ill make sure I tell him I am not allowed to because his dads GF is a petty little bitch and would rather see DS upset than bite her tongue" 😁

OR

Ignore the text all together and if DC wants to get something in future when he gives it to his Dad say "don't worry he bought it with his pocket money, I had no involvement" with a huge smile 😏

@monkey, I completely agree, everyone is missing my point that this was probably bought on by PRIOR issues. It does not sound like a one-off, does it? Of course the child can give his father what he likes, I'm asking the (un)reasonable mothers here to consider there is probably more back story to this than "Daddys girlfriend is a bitch".

@hjwt - Proving my point exactly. Shes a bitch. Mummy's a saint. Case closed.