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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset ExHs GF

378 replies

WanderYonder · 25/06/2019 17:47

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel Hmm about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

OP posts:
FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 15:04

Absolutely, its not her child? What on earth has it got to do with her. If dad agrees, he should speak to mum, if he doesnt, he should speak to GF. Nothing to do with GF, she has no actual control, the father chose to send the email, its on HIM. Child has two parents, both of which should be making decent decisions on behalf of the child. IF the girlfriend IS a bitch, isnt that on the dad? Should he maybe not have a good think about who he brings into his childs life?

AryaStarkWolf · 26/06/2019 15:04

@FightingForSMsEverywhere Totally agree with your point about the exH but I think the G/f is also an idiot if she agrees with him or actually played a part in him sending that email and btw I'm also a SM and one of my DC has a SM, who btw is lovely much nicer than my ex but people are individuals some SMs are assholes some are lovely, you don't have to defend every single one like they're all exactly alike

CanILeavenowplease · 26/06/2019 15:05

people dont just go around spiting their kids for shits and giggles

You haven't met my ex, obviously.

People do go around spiting their kids. They do it because they see it hurt their ex and because they can't separate the ex from the children. Because ultimately, they dont' love their kids more than they hate their ex and it shows just how much they hate themselves

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 15:06

@arya, they arent all alike, of course, but this forum treats them as if they are all alike, namely that they are all c*nts so I've gotta start somewhere I'm afraid.

Dvg · 26/06/2019 15:06

I would reply with are you telling me that your son is not aloud to buy you his own gifts/cards? ARE you telling me that i must say no when my son asks if he can buy his own father a card, HIS father not the GFS

LemonBreeland · 26/06/2019 15:08

I would reply like others have said along the lines of
'so to clarify, if DC asks to buy you something you would like me to say no, even if that upsets DC?'

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 15:08

@CanILeavenowplease I feel like you are stalking me now Grin

SushiForAmateurs · 26/06/2019 15:09

Should he maybe not have a good think about who he brings into his childs life?

Clearly, but he's not, is he? GF thinks what's happened is 'inappropriate', and ex has pushed that message to the OP about three times now.

SushiForAmateurs · 26/06/2019 15:12

but this forum treats them as if they are all alike, namely that they are all c nts

Fighting - this forum is riddled with step-mothers. Absolutely teeming with them.

Many of them are on this very thread.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 15:15

He sent the email. Its his child. Its his ex. Its his responsibility. GF can leave tomorrow, he's still got to deal with the fall out of being a prick. Its on him.

If I told OH to email his ex and tell her to stop being an awkward bitch about everything, he wouldn't do it. Not because he doesn't agree, but because he would never risk the relationship with his child. That is correct behavior, because he is their dad and it is HIS decision about things that may have an impact on their life.

OP's ex is simply a coward or a wanker.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 15:18

Sushi - I knooooooow, but they are heavily in the minority and treated like shit. You lot really do take what I say so literally. Im not gonna go through trying to name and shame the actual mothers, so yes, I'm lumping them/you/whatever all in together. Its easier. And, sometimes, funnier. Im only human. I get my kicks where I can, I need the occasional respite from my rampage Grin

Original poster
WanderYonder · 26/06/2019 15:53

Daddy sounds like a wanker. But that's beside the point 😆

I'm doing covert MNing at work. I got a bit worried you might be the GF FightingForSMsEverywhere, but this made me proper lol and persuaded me otherwise! I take your point that other issues could be at work here but honestly I do not know what.

I've only skim read but I am constructing some sort of answer to him (loving the suggestions as to exactly what) to send later.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/06/2019 16:01

Okay, so child has two parents, neither of whom are the girlfriend. So why is she the one taking control of what the child buys for his dad? Makes more sense for the mum to do it.

Even if the OP was an utterly awful woman, with a history of deliberately wrecking the life of the poor innocent girlfriend, there are still no circumstances in which it's reasonable for the OP to be told not to facilitate her child in buying a spur of the moment, lovely thoughtful card for his dad.

The dad seemed pleased when he got the card. It was only later that he sent that email - it's not a big leap to see gf's hand in it. But the father should never have sent it, that's true and doing so makes him a spineless wanker.

This wasn't a 'gesture' from the mum - she was literally just doing as her child asked.

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/06/2019 16:02

Dear Ex..

I look forward to your explanation as to how to prevent our DS from having spontaneous thoughts or desires to express his love by buying small gifts or cards.

He is unlikely to understand unless you explain to him directly, that you do not like or appreciate such gifts if purchased without being in the presence of GF, so I also expect you to let me know in advance how you are going to tell him that he must not be spontaneous outside of her company.

I am sure in time that DS will come to understand that you are putting the emotions of your GF above those of your DS.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 16:27

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds Then daddy shouldnt have sent the email. Its still nothing to do with the GF. Does daddy not have some balls hanging around or did OP get them in the divorce?

@WanderYonder

Your response to daddy:

Dear Ex,

You are Sons father, it is not for GF to decide if and when Son buys you a card. This is outside of the normal agreement (i.e birthdays/Christmas etc) and therefore a precedent had not been set. Regardless, I think you should make your own decisions on what is appropriate. If you are in agreement that card buying from your son is not acceptable then I would question your motives. If you are not in agreement but asking for an easy life then I can only tell you that I am incredibly disappointed in you and that I will not be preventing our child from behaving in a loving manner. Either way, the outcome will be the same, if our son wishes to give his father a present, I will allow him to do so.

Yours,

Ex.

Sashkin · 26/06/2019 16:27

Just tell your ex that if that is how he feels, he needs to bring the card back next time and explain to DS himself why he shouldn't have bought it, that DS showing affection to his father upsets GF, and that in future DS should leave all spontaneous gift purchases to the GF. DS is 7, perfectly old enough to understand that conversation.

Of course it will be hurtful, because it is a nasty thing to say to anyone (I'd be upset if my parents said that to me and I'm 40). But if that's what ExH wants, I'm not sure why he's giving you the dirty work of breaking the news to DS.

What he actually wants, is for you to have the difficult conversation and comfort DS on your own, so he can pretend to himself that he has no responsibility for this whatsoever, but still getting the outcome he wants. If DS thinks you're the nasty one, stopping him from buying stuff for ExH, so much the better. Fuck that. If he wants this done, he can do it himself and deal with the tears and confusion on his own.

Juells · 26/06/2019 16:28

Or just...
"I don't want to be involved in this, so just explain to DS that he can't buy you cards or gifts unless he's with GF."

SandyY2K · 26/06/2019 16:43

I'd be tempted to say I won't stop DS buying a little token to show his love for you, but if you're frightened of your GF seeing it, you might want to display it at work instead.

You were pleased when he gave it to you and he was equally delighted, but if your GFs feelings are more important than those of your 7 year old son, you need to reflect on the impact this will have on him.

tashac89 · 26/06/2019 16:54

I think you both should leave the GF completely out of it. She seems to be a bit of a red herring. Either exH feels weird about DC getting him things when with you and using GF as an excuse, which is just straight up odd, or hes pandering to what GF wants. Either way it's on him to man the fuck up.

LouH1981 · 26/06/2019 17:35

That’s ridiculous. If your son wants to buy his Dad a card then he can.
It’s none of her business.

Nikkibrad · 26/06/2019 17:47

It sounds like gf has got into exs email and written it. I'd ignore it and keep getting birthday cards

AmberOpal · 26/06/2019 17:52

Send him a card explaining that a formal, terse email isn't an appropriate way to handle such a ridiculous situation!!

For good measure, send the gf a card too, explain that you're sorry if anything was taken the wrong way by anyone and that you will try your best to make sure she is fully included in future, but you and her partner still have a relationship to maintain for the sake of your child, and that is potentially going to be fragile ground already without pointless jealous fits and petty grievences being thrown into the mix.

Yukka · 26/06/2019 17:52

OMG what a twat? I'd be saying something along the lines of...

Let's be clear it was a gesture from your son, not me. It wasn't 'organised', he saw it in a shop and it made him laugh, it was spontaneously purchased. If you don't want that kind of relationship with your son then perhaps there are wider issues here we need to discuss?

If DS wants to buy something for either of you in the future, then I'm sorry but no I will not decline him this, as it's perfectly normal behaviour for a child.

I don't feel a need to continue this conversation as it's very petty. Suggest you ensure GF is on board with your sons desire to buy things independently of her and at times when he isnt in her company. It's simple logistics. Any arrangements we have in relation to DS will have to change as DS gets older to be more appropriate for his independence.

See you next friday.

cherish123 · 26/06/2019 17:57

I don't think it's unreasonable that a child chooses his dad a card. Sounds like the girlfriend had been jealous and asked him to speak to you.

nuxe1984 · 26/06/2019 18:00

I'm a stepmum. SD now almost 18, was 7 when I met her. I didn't get involved in buying any cards for her father's birthday, Christmas, Father's Day, etc.

Sounds like GF is VERY insecure. She needs to accept that her boyfriend was once married and has a son, and because of this will be seeing you/have contact with you. She needs to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer together and that she is his girlfriend now. But that he has a family.

Sounds like she's trying to play "happy families" - another sign she's insecure.

This is really unfair on your son. It's much better for him if he has 2 parents who can communicate, that he doesn't feel awkward talking about to the other. So what if he sees a card he wants to get his dad when he's with you …. your ex should be grateful that he's happy and secure enough to be able to do this rather than not say anything in case he upsets one or other of you.