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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to DHs ex?

142 replies

WhatWould · 25/06/2019 10:28

Me and DH married a year, together for 3.

Never had a problem with his ex who he shares a child with and I get on really well with DC.

The other month he had to run an errand when he had DC, it was unfortunate timing but it was urgent and couldn't be helped. I offered to watch DC whilst he did. He was only gone a maximum of two hours.

His ex kicked off massively about it saying DC is not mine (which I never implied they were) how dare he leave me to look after them, I'm not there mother etc...

Fast forward to now (a month later) she has plans on a day where she is supposed to have DC and has asked H to swap a day. Unfortunately he can't due to work commitments and so she has asked if I will look after DC.

I have absolutely no problem looking after DC, this is not about them in any way but I want to say no.

She wasn't happy about it before and made it clear, I hate that I'm now just seen as a convenience because it suits, I don't want to be a mug. By the same token, I don't want to cause drama or hostility!

Wwyd?

OP posts:

Cath2907 · 25/06/2019 10:30

I'd look after the kids assuming ex knows that you are doing so and then totally ignore any other future drama from her about you looking after them. You can always point out she was happy about it when it was a convenience for her!

She doesn't have a say what he does with the kids when they are with him.

AyBeeCee10 · 25/06/2019 10:32

I wouldnt look after them and tell that woman exactly why. She cant use you when it suits her. If you don't let her know then she will think she controls you. This situation is where you set her straight.

Sarahjconnor · 25/06/2019 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 10:33

Unfortunately he can't due to work commitments and so she has asked if I will look after DC.

You have the ability to say no

Whathappenedtooursummer · 25/06/2019 10:34

Cf of the day award to her!!
It's a no from me.

And tell her why.

VivienneHolt · 25/06/2019 10:34

I would agree to this on the basis that it would probably help avoid future drama where she kicks off about you looking after the child. Just seems like it would lead to an easier life!

TheChain · 25/06/2019 10:36

“Oh now you want me to look after DSC? Not a problem, I’ll happily help out now you seem to be ok with it because you require help”

ChilliMum · 25/06/2019 10:37

If you really don't mind watching the dc then I would write a really shitty email / text giving all the reasons I won't do it and then delete and say yes because it's the nice thing to do and you will be in each other's lives for a long time. It's not worth the bad feeling and maybe even the start of a better relationship.

trackingmedown · 25/06/2019 10:37

You could say no and prove a point but whilst it would be very satisfying who would it benefit? Not you or DH as it would make it hard for him to leave them with you again when it suits the two of you. Not her - it would inconvenience her, piss her off and possibly drive a wedge between your stepchildren’s 2 homes. And certainly not the children.

It sounds as if she has realised how ridiculous she was being before. Be the bigger person here, tell her that the DC are always welcome, that you are happy to help out etc. It will probably be the best thing for the whole family in the long run.

mbosnz · 25/06/2019 10:40

I'd reply, saying I was a little confused, a month ago it was made very clear in no uncertain terms that I was not to be left in sole charge of DC, and now it appears to be acceptable. What has changed? And going forward, does this mean that there will be no further issues if I am left in sole charge of DC in the future when it suits us, and not her?

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2019 10:40

mmmm I would probably tell your Dh to ask why it's ok now but it wasn't last month when he was caught out and needed help looking after DC? let her answer that one. I would probably do it then depending on what her answer was to that question. At the end of the day you two are married and this is your step child so you should be able to look after him/her without drama, this might stop the drama occuring again

Thadeus · 25/06/2019 10:40

I would be tempted to go back and say, yes of course it's ok but are you sure you are happy with it? I dont want any drama like last time! And see what she says.

Littleduckeggblue · 25/06/2019 10:42

Say no and tell her why

7yo7yo · 25/06/2019 10:43

@mbosnz great reply!
Send that op!

Hidingtonothing · 25/06/2019 10:44

I would do it, she won't ever be able to kick off again about DC being 'left' with you will she? I had to learn to play the long game with my DSC's mum so this is all v familiar to me and saying yes will pay dividends in terms of future cooperation ime.

MonkeyTrap · 25/06/2019 10:47

I’ve had this before. With that attitude I would not be doing her any favours. This is all on her terms and if she thinks she can use you at her leisure and then bitch about you when it suits she can jog on IMO. Remember you’re not helping your OH here, but the children’s Mum. If she wants to apologise and draw a line then fine, but don’t be a doormat.

ViolatedVegan1 · 25/06/2019 10:48

I would question it, but say you are happy to do it.
"I am very happy to look after the children, however last time I watched them for a couple of hours you were very upset by it, have you changed your mind about this? I just think we should be clear what everyone finds acceptable and is happy with as the last thing any of us want is more drama. So yes, I will happily look after them when you need me to so long as when DH needs me to the same rules apply."

Original poster

WhatWould · 25/06/2019 10:48

I think I will say yes to avoid the drama and because it's not the child's fault.

But I won't lie, it does grate having to be the bigger person!

OP posts:

whothedaddy · 25/06/2019 10:49

You are married to their father. They are part of your life now. Building a good bond with the kids is the most important thing.

Her reaction last month was totally over the top. It was probably just a stark reminder that her children's father has moved on and she may be scared of being replaced in her kids eyes by their new step mum.

Don't see it as being taken for a 'mug' see it as an olive branch, when she is calm and rational she does in fact trust you to be part of her children's lives.

nauseous5000 · 25/06/2019 10:50

Just to play Devil's advocate for a mo, is it possible that first time it happened shocked her and she now knows she overreacted and is trying to make it up to you by being ok with it this time? I'm aware she could just apologise but maybe it's hard for her for reasons you don't know about?

Original poster

WhatWould · 25/06/2019 10:51

when she is calm and rational she does in fact trust you to be part of her children's lives

I think it's more about not being able to go out if I don't agree than offering any sort of branch or trust but I will do it.

I may ask H to make sure the same rules still apply in future though as some of you have suggested. Politely of course.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 25/06/2019 10:51

As mbosnz said. Agree to do it, but query why it's ok now when it wasn't ok before.

newmomof1 · 25/06/2019 10:52

I'd look after them. She obviously realised she was an idiot and is too proud to apologise.

It's only the kids who'll miss out as they'll no doubt get dropped on her 'last resort'. If you have a good relationship with them, don't be petty for her sake.

Original poster

WhatWould · 25/06/2019 10:52

trying to make it up to you by being ok with it this time?

Hmm possibly though again, it sounds more like she wants to go somewhere but can't if I don't agree.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2019 10:52

But I won't lie, it does grate having to be the bigger person!

of course but you're thinking about the child which is what that child needs

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