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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to DHs ex?

142 replies

WhatWould · 25/06/2019 10:28

Me and DH married a year, together for 3.

Never had a problem with his ex who he shares a child with and I get on really well with DC.

The other month he had to run an errand when he had DC, it was unfortunate timing but it was urgent and couldn't be helped. I offered to watch DC whilst he did. He was only gone a maximum of two hours.

His ex kicked off massively about it saying DC is not mine (which I never implied they were) how dare he leave me to look after them, I'm not there mother etc...

Fast forward to now (a month later) she has plans on a day where she is supposed to have DC and has asked H to swap a day. Unfortunately he can't due to work commitments and so she has asked if I will look after DC.

I have absolutely no problem looking after DC, this is not about them in any way but I want to say no.

She wasn't happy about it before and made it clear, I hate that I'm now just seen as a convenience because it suits, I don't want to be a mug. By the same token, I don't want to cause drama or hostility!

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatWould · 25/06/2019 12:55

Perhaps her comments were more about the fact she didn't feel it was fair on you that he'd left his DD and you were the one doing all the looking after on this occasion?

No it definitely didn't come across as concern for me but rather annoyance that I would think I could look after her DC.

OP posts:
MissRhubarb · 25/06/2019 12:58

She sounds a lot like my DP's ex. It'll purely be because there's something she REALLY wants to do and suddenly you providing child care isn't such a challenging prospect for her. Be nice to think it was an olive branch but it usually isn't. DP's ex went from shouty histrionics about her child being left with me (along the same lines as your DH's ex - not being their mother, etc..), to recently asking why it was I couldn't cancel my plans to take care of her DD because she had something important on and I'm "normally available". Unfortunately as a step parent I think it's best to just suck it up for the kids' sake. It is irritating though.

Happyspud · 25/06/2019 13:01

I would say that you are happy to help but want to make it clear (politely) that she can no longer have any issue with you being in sole charge of DSD when DH has contact. And leave it at that.

hazell42 · 25/06/2019 13:01

I would look after them, because a) she will never be able to throw that particular strop again, and b) sometimes it takes a parent a while to get used to their ex's new partner.
Perhaps you can look on this as a positive instead of assuming she is using you.

Wheresthebeach · 25/06/2019 13:07

Sounds like DH’s ex - everything changes when it suits her. It fine really, if galling. I’d say yes, and have a lovely time but I would get clarity that this isn’t a one off and you expect it to be fine in the future.

Of course you do have to decide if you want her to be able to drop her child with you at short notice, when it suits her because she may well start to treat you like free child care. We had this, but the kids were always great so it worked for us.

bellabasset · 25/06/2019 13:10

Whatever happened between your dh and his ex their DC spends time in your home and you are already part of her DC's life. If your dh trusts you in his absence to look after his dc the ex shouldn't question it.

NorthernSpirit · 25/06/2019 13:12

She’s made herself to look a fool.

What dad does on his time has absolutely nothing to do with her.

As @TheChain says:

“Oh now you want me to look after DSC? Not a problem, I’ll happily help out now you seem to be ok with it because you require help”

You look the bigger person and have made your point.

Bluebell878275 · 25/06/2019 13:28

Oh yes - that's very familiar! I would smile and just say yes that's fine (if it is). It's not worth saying anything - you know what she's done, she knows what she's done. The important thing is the children are looked after - happy and comfortable.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/06/2019 13:31

I would message and ask if she's sure she's happy with it just you being home with them all day given how upset she was last time you looked after them. but ultimately i would help her out - there's always the chance DH might need the favour returning

Crustaceans · 25/06/2019 13:38

@Juells To be honest, it’s always kind of heartening that other people don’t have to deal with controlling and difficult people. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I’d love to be able to assume that exes will be reasonable and that relationships can simply break down without some dreadful behaviour from one or the other (or both in some cases); sadly my everyday life experience has disillusioned me of any such hopes.

@WhatWould My main issue in your situation would be in ensuring that everything isn’t balanced in the ex’s favour. It needs to be made clear that she can’t dictate who looks after the children during their time with their father.

At the extreme end of things, my BF never accommodates ‘favours’ for his ex. Partly this is because she’s the type of person who’ll offer some kind of variation, get what she wants (time away from the kids) and then go back on her end of the deal (usually at the last minute). This has happened several times in the past. And she’s also prone to taking the piss and deciding that she’s in charge of her ex’s holiday entitlement at work to suit her. So she’ll try to insist that he should take days off work to suit her social plans and recently tried to get him to do so to facilitate her going on holiday with her BF. He needs his annual leave to cover his share of the school holidays and, frankly, she has EOW, 2 nights in the week and half the school holidays to conduct her social life. He’s had to be really firm (and inflexible) because she’s the type to take a mile if you give an inch (and she’ll never reciprocate).

In your case, my worry would be that she’s being nice when it suits her. And that’s no good for anyone.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 25/06/2019 13:41

LOL, some of you do make me laugh. Its nothing to do with the kids and them being "happy and comfortable", she could pay for childcare or send them to other family members, she's just taking advantage of the SM to suit herself. If it were me, I'd go to EVERYONE but the SM given her behavior, but she clearly has no shame.

Jux · 25/06/2019 13:53

You want to facilitate dh's relationship with his dc, so say yes if you can. Have an actual conversation with his ex about what she's OK with you doing with dc and what she's not happy with, both in terms of general care and this specific day.

Show willing and ensure she knows that you know she'sboss; she'll learn to trust you, which will help dh's relationship with his child beyond measure.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 25/06/2019 13:57

fighting having spent years dealing with a cf ExW myself I totally get why you want to take a hard stance. Likewise I see people over sympathetic to the ex because their DC's stepmum is a cow and they're projecting. However you're overlooking that in this particular case it would probably be a nice thing for the OP and her DSC to spend some one on one time together. If the Ex subsequently kicks off again in the future then that is the time to tell her to get to fuck. OP and her DH both need to be in the right headspace to play hardball with the ex and deal with the consequences, but right now it'll just cause more conflict that they're not emotionally ready to deal with yet. There's nothing laughable about recognising that.

Crustaceans · 25/06/2019 13:58

I totally disagree @Jux. Do not let her think she’s the boss. She’s not. The best thing for the children would be if their mother could learn to accept that she’s not in control of everything and leave her ex to parent in peace.

I have never, once considered discussing what my DS’s stepmother can and can’t do with him. It’s just not up to me. And it would do DS no good for me to decide that I’m the boss of everyone.

CheeseIsEverything · 25/06/2019 13:59

Show willing and ensure she knows that you know she'sboss

I actually agree that you should say yes (but perhaps ask your dh to point out that she wasn't okay with it last time so what's changed?)

But this comment....! She's boss?! Erm no. She is the children's mother but she is not 'boss' over OP or her husband for goodness sake.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 25/06/2019 14:01

@jux - Are you crazy?! Ensure she knows she's the boss?! The mother either wants help, or she doesn't! Maybe the mother could be a little gracious about it and apologise for her prior shitty behavior before asking anything of poor OP.

The mothers trust means jack, she has nothing to do with the fathers household. I'm quite sure that mother doesn't give two thoughts for the father when she brings a new step daddy home to meet the child after a couple of weeks dating! Grin

Original poster
WhatWould · 25/06/2019 14:03

Surely letting her think she's 'boss' is what causes this sort of behaviour in the first place i.e. dictating what H can do during his time and using me when it suits but complaining when it doesn't?

It's not the sort of thing I want to encourage by telling her 'she's boss'.

I will say yes (through DH as she hasn't actually asked me directly) but for the child and H. Not for her. It's better to have it in my armoury if she tries to use the same argument next time H is stuck I suppose!

OP posts:
FightingForSMsEverywhere · 25/06/2019 14:08

@whatwould - You are a good person, just please don't let her take advantage of that going forward. X

MyCatHatesEverybody · 25/06/2019 14:10

Jux you're being incredibly naive if you think the exW will learn to trust if the OP's husband defers to her - it doesn't work like that. A significant proportion of the times these issues occur is simply because egos feel bruised, not because of any actual issues going on.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/06/2019 14:31

Then you need to say something, or she will think she's boss.

No point having it in your armoury if you don't make the point.

This situation = treating you like a mug. Say something.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 25/06/2019 14:37

@Fizzy - I agree. You can say yes, but I would have your OH tell her that he expects never to hear her opinions on who he entrusts childcare to again.

Durgasarrow · 25/06/2019 14:40

I think if I were you, I would do it with graciousness and love. This is hard for her. I know where you are coming from, but both you and she know that she made a fool of herself. You don't need to rub her face in it. If you are nice to her child and to her now, you will get your point across 100 times more powerfully than you would if you wrote her a snotty letter. You've already got her husband. You can win over her child. And you can win over her. Everything would be much better in all of your lives if you can be allies to help raise this child.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 25/06/2019 14:44

"You've already got her husband"

Err wtaf?! Hmm

Crustaceans · 25/06/2019 14:44

You've already got her husband.

No. The OP is married to her ex-husband. Not her husband.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 25/06/2019 14:47

Shes already got her husband? Her bloody husband?!?! Angry a) its no longer HER husband, I cant tell you how incredibly rude and dismissive of OP that is! and b) who's to say the mother didnt happily discard him in the first place, only to become bitter and jealous the second he moved on?!