AIBU to say no to DHs ex?

[WhatWould]

Me and DH married a year, together for 3.

Never had a problem with his ex who he shares a child with and I get on really well with DC.

The other month he had to run an errand when he had DC, it was unfortunate timing but it was urgent and couldn't be helped. I offered to watch DC whilst he did. He was only gone a maximum of two hours.

His ex kicked off massively about it saying DC is not mine (which I never implied they were) how dare he leave me to look after them, I'm not there mother etc...

Fast forward to now (a month later) she has plans on a day where she is supposed to have DC and has asked H to swap a day. Unfortunately he can't due to work commitments and so she has asked if I will look after DC.

I have absolutely no problem looking after DC, this is not about them in any way but I want to say no.

She wasn't happy about it before and made it clear, I hate that I'm now just seen as a convenience because it suits, I don't want to be a mug. By the same token, I don't want to cause drama or hostility!

Wwyd?

I would get your H to tell her she needs to check if you are available and here is your house number, you will be home after xxx.

She can ask you herself with a please after her last outburst.

That's the problem bluebell, some people like to assume that if you have issues with your dscs or their mum then it must be because of something you are/are not doing and therefore if you simply start just being a bit nicer, a bit more accommodating, a bit more involved, a bit less involved blah blah blah then the problem will fix itself. Wrong. Often we're disliked just for being the new DP/DW and there's not a damn thing you can do about it other than leave or ride it out until the DCs are older.

I'd just say "of course it's no problem but can we just clarify that you are ok with me looking after X whenever it's required by either of you to avoid further conflict". And I'd email it or text so that you have her response in writing. If she says no (which sounds highly unlikely) then just say sorry you are unable to help.

Sorry missed a bit...

You reply to her not your DH. She is asking you, not him. Text her from your phone and say *Hi this is whatwould, DH has passed your message to me and of course it's no problem but can we just clarify that you are ok with me looking after X whenever it's required by either of you to avoid further conflict". And I'd email it or text so that you have her response in writing. If she says no (which sounds highly unlikely) then just say sorry you are unable to help."

I would probably agree but I would also make a pointed comment about how angry she was last time.

Yanbu. Like you say, it’s the using you when it suits thing that makes you want to say no. She’s a CF.

What I find strange, is that following her kicking off last time, that your DH, didn't address this with her before even telling you about it.

If I had an Ex who had a problem with my new DH/DP looking after our DC.... then suddenly asked me to ask him if he could look after them...I'd immediately ask why he wanted it this time when he kicked off the before.

What nokidshere said about texting above. I would just add 'If I don't hear anything to the contrary I'll assume you are fine with this' just in case she ever says 'I didn't get chance to reply but I don't agree'

That is a good point, @SandyY2K. I’d expect my BF to have told his ex it wasn’t up to her and to stop being ridiculous at the time. He definitely would. I’d have heard about it in retrospect.

Whoever looks after dc in the df's time is up to the df not the dm. Judge's words.
Say yes and invoice her for childcare...

H did reply at the time something along the lines of 'I'm not entertaining this conversation'. I found out after the fact.

He's said yes but he is taking this to mean that she is now happy for me to look after DC for him if necessary in the future and there won't be a repeat of last time. She's just said okay, tell whatwould thanks.

It would feel amazing to tell her to stick it.

However, in the longer term, it wont do you any favours.

Be the bigger person and have the kid. But make sure she knows you will be. Possibly have you do include a sly dig about how it's acceptable when it suits her...lol.

Unfortunately you're going to get loads of ironies with the ex like this so just laugh.

However never assume it’s okay to look after your DH’s child if he can’t. Always best to check it with the ex as ultimately she may want her own child with her if your DH can’t take a day off

Sorry, but surely that isn't how it works... on my ex's time, DC is his responsibility and if he asks a friend/family member to take responsibility of my DC, it is only relevant to me if there are safeguarding issues. I can't go dictating to my ex who my child is left with. I have to trust that he will only ever leave DC with someone appropriate, and vice versa.

Ready to be shot down in flames, but that's my understanding...

@gotta - you sound very reasonable. That should be the norm, but it isn't. A lot of mothers use the child as a weapon of control, and this is just one example of how its done.

Ready to be shot down in flames, but that's my understanding...

That is exactly how it should work. And what a court would say.

But, as you can see on this thread, some women seem to think that mothers are The Boss of everyone.

I’m glad your DH didn’t entertain her temper tantrum last time @WhatWould.

Say yes and invoice her for childcare...

I like that She needs a babysitter and she wants the op to have the children for her, well the norm is to pay babysitters isn’t it.

Exactly MyCatHatesEverybody As a SM I have had a lot of shit thrown my way just because I exist. It's not fun.

Yup ^^

I would be careful not to be too accommodating to Mum because you end up making a rod for your own back and used as free/convenient childcare under the pretence that everyone is “friends” when the favour is never returned because Mum has “plans”.