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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to DHs ex?

142 replies

WhatWould · 25/06/2019 10:28

Me and DH married a year, together for 3.

Never had a problem with his ex who he shares a child with and I get on really well with DC.

The other month he had to run an errand when he had DC, it was unfortunate timing but it was urgent and couldn't be helped. I offered to watch DC whilst he did. He was only gone a maximum of two hours.

His ex kicked off massively about it saying DC is not mine (which I never implied they were) how dare he leave me to look after them, I'm not there mother etc...

Fast forward to now (a month later) she has plans on a day where she is supposed to have DC and has asked H to swap a day. Unfortunately he can't due to work commitments and so she has asked if I will look after DC.

I have absolutely no problem looking after DC, this is not about them in any way but I want to say no.

She wasn't happy about it before and made it clear, I hate that I'm now just seen as a convenience because it suits, I don't want to be a mug. By the same token, I don't want to cause drama or hostility!

Wwyd?

OP posts:
PepsiLola · 25/06/2019 11:24

I don't think I could bite my tongue! I would have to say "last time you said I wasn't allowed to watch the children?"

PlaymobilPirate · 25/06/2019 11:28

I would but I'd make her work for it. She should also apologise.

I'd say 'I'm free that day but I'm very wary given your reaction when I babysat DC on xx date'

And await a response and apology.

Beesandcheese · 25/06/2019 11:36

I'm not sure why you think it is odd to have not been left alone with someone else's children? Sounds straightforward to me!

FizzyGreenWater · 25/06/2019 11:36

I would throw it back, because I would want the explanation which basically needs to translate into the apology.

'But surely that isn't a solution? X has made it clear that I'm not DC parent and has made it more than clear that she isn't happy for them to be left with me? I don't see how she could possibly have suggested this. I certainly wouldn't be happy discussing this without some clarity on how she now sees it.'

Beesandcheese · 25/06/2019 11:38

And yes, be politely honest. Say "yes I really love spending time with y and z, my only concern is that you're not confident in my ability/ affection for them, I remember last time you were very upset?"

Widgetsframe · 25/06/2019 11:41

I would agree to this and take it as a step towards being a family with your step child, you are in year 1 of a life long marriage, treat this as a beginning?

I wouldn’t be able to resist adding a comment into your response about how delighted you are to “now” be involved with DC but I am a bit petty...

Original poster
WhatWould · 25/06/2019 11:41

Presumably he doesn’t have them very often?!

Please don't presume things about my Hs involvement with his children. I don't have to explain to you his contact arrangements but yes he does have them often, multiple night a week.

There's nothing wrong with a father making himself available when his children stay!

OP posts:
GreyCloud0 · 25/06/2019 11:43

I wouldn’t have look after the DC.

After she was a prick last time, this isn’t for the kid, this is for her to go out and she could stick it and stay in.

KarmaStar · 25/06/2019 11:47

Hello,
I'd be the bigger person and have the dc.
I'd be worried she'd tell them I didn't want them out of pure spite of I said no.
Also saying yes,there's no comeback in future and she's really going to have to eat humble pie.
Saying no might lead to more antagonism from her,which the dc will be aware of and it's not fair on them.
You sound lovely op and it's great you have such a good relationship with the dc.Flowers

MondayMonday89 · 25/06/2019 11:51

What did your H say when his ex kicked off about you minding the child before? Did he point out that he can get whoever he likes to mind his child when it's his contact time - in just the same way the ex can?

If she has safe-guarding concerns then she can raise those through the proper channels.

GreyCloud0 · 25/06/2019 11:52

For all those saying that she should say no, I really hope that you are not step parents. Causing unnecessary conflict is never ever going to be good for the children and they have to come first

I don’t agree with this. This isn’t putting the child first. It’s the mum getting her way, she wants to go out and all of a sudden the OP is good enough but before she got abuse for it. It’s not the child that wants to come over, the mum wants to go out so it’s to benefit her.

I’m a step mum. Iv been put in the same position and I said no. It didn’t harm the child. I’m not going to get treated like shit from the mum one moment and then when she wants something I’m good enough, that’s now how life works.

ddl1 · 25/06/2019 11:53

I would be honest. I would say that you're willing to do so in principle (assuming that you are!), but that she was angry the last time you looked after them, and you want to be sure that there will not be problems again.Ask if there anything in particular that she objected to. I suspect that it may be that she wants to be in charge of such requests, rather than your dh making them (which she may see as increasing his connection with you with regard to her children); but if it's pure capriciousness, then I'd avoid getting involved.

DuMondeB · 25/06/2019 11:53

Being the bigger person is the best thing in the long run...

But has she ever apologised for her previous behaviour?

I would be expecting DH to say ‘well, Whatwould is willing to help you out by having DC so you can go to event X, but she deserves an apology for last time’

(I have a DSD and her mum was pretty frosty and controlling re: me for a time. She’s relaxed a bit now though)

FizzyGreenWater · 25/06/2019 11:56

No, the best thing for the children is for there to be mutual respect.

I don't think that being ready to say how high when ex says jump is healthy for anyone.

I wouldn't refuse to look after the children.

I would want clarification and a sensible discussion with ex.

I would want to make it clear that I expect simple respect as another adult person and that it's not ok to shout and scream and create issues where there are none - and then ask for a favour as if nothing's happened. That's dysfunctional. I won't accept that. If I'm going to be a trusted person with her DC,she should be pleased to know that I'm not the kind of person who does accept that kind of nonsense.

Everyone acts like a respectful adult - that's the bottom line.

Drum2018 · 25/06/2019 11:57

@FizzyGreenWater response is perfect. While I'd agree to it there's no way in hell I'd let her previous rant go without saying something. She can't continue to have it her way and treat you like a mug.

DarlingNikita · 25/06/2019 12:06

She's a hypocritical bitch.

But for the children's sake...

Get your DH (not you!) to have a conversation with her about it. Explain that you're always happy to have the DC, but the last time you looked after them she had an issue with it; why was that and will there be an issue again?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 25/06/2019 12:13

I would say yes, and add that I am glad her concerns of a month ago are in the past and you can move forward positively.

The less confrontational you are, the less she has to work with. As unpleasant as she was a month ago, I'd be willing to draw a line for the sake of the DC.

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 12:17

@Beesandcheese

I'm not sure why you think it is odd to have not been left alone with someone else's children? Sounds straightforward to me!

“Someone else’s children”?

Your husband’s!! Not just “some one”

MyCatHatesEverybody · 25/06/2019 12:19

I'd agree to looking after the DC but not without DH pulling their mum up on it. And I'd be dong it not for mum's sake, but for the sake of my relationship with the DCs, it's nice to get time to bond with them 1-2-1.

Oh ad amibeingdaft81 I wasn't left alone (for more than just a few minutes) with DCs for a few years either. Guess what - we had them every week Thu -Sun, DH was just very careful to organise his time when the kids were with us. You're so obviously determined to paint the NRP at fault in some way that you're jumping to massive conclusions.

Pearlfish · 25/06/2019 12:31

I'd say yes for the benefit of the future relationship. I might not be able to resist mentioning the previous time though...

Juells · 25/06/2019 12:32

Crustacean

I am not giving my abusive ex any inclination that he can try to dictate what I do with DS in the time I have him. He has tried to several times, but I don’t let it happen.

Ah, yes :( Sometimes I forget how controlling some people are.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/06/2019 12:33

*"Of course I am happy to look after dc for you - but you do realise that dh won't be here, and I will be looking after them on my own - and I thought you weren't happy for me to do that".

JemSynergy · 25/06/2019 12:43

Perhaps her comments were more about the fact she didn't feel it was fair on you that he'd left his DD and you were the one doing all the looking after on this occasion? I would definitely discuss it with her to clear the air. I'd also look after DSD because as you have already stated it is not her fault and I'd want to continue a solid step parent relationship with her.

diddl · 25/06/2019 12:46

If you say no, who might he end up with?

Presumably she's desperate not to cancel plans.

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 25/06/2019 12:53

I would absolutely say no, and explain that it has nothing to do with how busy or otherwise I am, but to do with picking and choosing when it suits her that I be left alone with the child. I have had this situation in terms of picking mine up from school, fine for the 3-4 times she couldn't do it, not fine when she was trying to prove a point about whatever was in her bonnet that week, I was suddenly not allowed because she doesn't "know" me. The new step-daddy of 5 months was allowed full rights to the kids clubs however, with no permission sought from my OH because he evidently has no right to vet who picks them up in the same way in which she does.

If you are inclined to be the "bigger person", please don't expect it'll change anything. All that will happen is she'll start expecting your support and the one time you cant give it, you'll be back to square one. Her initial reaction tells you all you need to know about her perception of her importance over your partners and SC's life, that wont change because she's decided to let you babysit for her this time.

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