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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to DHs ex?

142 replies

WhatWould · 25/06/2019 10:28

Me and DH married a year, together for 3.

Never had a problem with his ex who he shares a child with and I get on really well with DC.

The other month he had to run an errand when he had DC, it was unfortunate timing but it was urgent and couldn't be helped. I offered to watch DC whilst he did. He was only gone a maximum of two hours.

His ex kicked off massively about it saying DC is not mine (which I never implied they were) how dare he leave me to look after them, I'm not there mother etc...

Fast forward to now (a month later) she has plans on a day where she is supposed to have DC and has asked H to swap a day. Unfortunately he can't due to work commitments and so she has asked if I will look after DC.

I have absolutely no problem looking after DC, this is not about them in any way but I want to say no.

She wasn't happy about it before and made it clear, I hate that I'm now just seen as a convenience because it suits, I don't want to be a mug. By the same token, I don't want to cause drama or hostility!

Wwyd?

OP posts:
QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 25/06/2019 10:54

I'd say yes if she was to apologise for her behaviour last time.

JacquesHammer · 25/06/2019 10:54

Speak to her about it.

It’s far more sensible to use this to clear the air and set ground rules which benefit you and your H moving forward.

Original poster
WhatWould · 25/06/2019 10:55

of course but you're thinking about the child which is what that child needs

Of course, and they won't ever know! As far as they are concerned they are welcome where ever I am.

Nice to be able to have an anonymous rant though and know I'm not completely unreasonable to be a bit Hmm at the request!

OP posts:
HisBetterHalf · 25/06/2019 10:55

If the DC are happy with the arrangement I would say yes. See it as an olive bearnch opportunity and show DC you can all engage positively which is good for them.

HisBetterHalf · 25/06/2019 10:55

*olive branch

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/06/2019 10:57

Talk to her about it like an adult.

Say she seemed to have a massive problem with you doing this a month, so why is it OK now?

But say yes to doing it. They will always be your DH's children, and going forwards, it makes sense to be willing to help them (and her), rather than scoring a cheap point against his ex in the short-term.

Yes, it does sometimes grate being the bigger person. But the most important people here are his kids. And you building a relationship with them, also means building a relationship with their Mother.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2019 10:58

Of course, and they won't ever know! As far as they are concerned they are welcome where ever I am.

That's parenting for you Grin

Crustaceans · 25/06/2019 10:59

I may ask H to make sure the same rules still apply in future though as some of you have suggested.

Don’t phrase it as rules, because that implies that she’s in charge and has any right to determine how your DH organizes the time in which he is responsible for his children.

Get him to clarify that she will not be nasty and unreasonable in future about the parenting decisions he makes.

Juells · 25/06/2019 11:00

I've never understood the attitude of She doesn't have a say what he does with the kids when they are with him. Of course she does, just as he does when the ex has the child. In what universe are parents meant to not care what's going on with their children when children not with them? Does the same apply to schools? When a child is in hospital? Both parents need to agree how things are arranged,

theemmadilemma · 25/06/2019 11:00

I had this with my exHB and SS.

I would do it on the basis that'll she have no future reason to moan, one less argument to be had.

To be fair it worked really well and we ended up having a great relationship, so much so that I still speak to SS's Mum regularly.

crazychemist · 25/06/2019 11:01

I would do it an not make a fuss at all. Store it up to avoid future dramas! Hopefully it’ll be a lovely bonding time for you and DC, you are married to their father so they are going to be part of your life for a long time and you could be a positive part of their upbringing.

Do have a good rant on here to blow off steam! Everyone needs to vent now and then, and it’s hard when kids are involved as you are probably extremely careful to make sure they don’t pick up on this kind of arguing.

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 11:02

You’d never been left with them before??

How did she find out? Not pictures on Facebook?

At face value - she’s being unfair but I suspect there’s more to this

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/06/2019 11:03

No she doesn’t have a say. She might have an opinion but she doesn’t get a say. On her time she can make plans, on OP’s DH time he can make plans. On this occasion the ex is making plans she can’t facilitate without asking a big favour of someone she’s previously been very rude to. The least she can do is apologise before asking, but she hasn’t. And she still doesn’t get to dictate what happens when their shared DC are with their capable father and his kind responsible wife.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/06/2019 11:04

At face value - she’s being unfair but I suspect there’s more to this

Really? Like what?

Littlekittystops · 25/06/2019 11:04

I too would have a proper discussion with her. Explain that you would like a situation that meant it was possible to help each other out, and that you were upset by her previous comments but appreciate it is hard for everyone involved. I would also reassure her you have no intention of replacing her, but really for the children it is best if everyone gets along. Assuming the discussion goes well, I would have them definitely. If it doesn't, or she is difficult or frosty I would decline politely. Tell her you are busy.

This is dh's problem. They are his children, however she has directly asked you, so it may be a good opportunity to clear the air (or at least know where you stand)

LellyMcKelly · 25/06/2019 11:05

You do not do anything. Your DH needs to go to his ex and ask for clarification given that it posed such a big issue the last time. She then has the opportunity to apologise for going off the rails the last time.

Crustaceans · 25/06/2019 11:08

Sadly, it can’t always work like that @Juells.

I am not giving my abusive ex any inclination that he can try to dictate what I do with DS in the time I have him. He has tried to several times, but I don’t let it happen. His parents even told him to stop it. Similarly, I don’t interfere in his time with his son. I know he’s safe with his father, even if his father seeks to control me.

Similarly, my BF’s ex thinks she’s in charge and wants to dictate everything. It’s purely a control thing (since she allows him no say in anything when the kids are with her). So he doesn’t let her. He’s perfectly competent to make sense Shione about how to parent his children when they’re with him. She knows this. She just doesn’t like that she can’t interfere, or that many if the choices he makes have better outcomes for the children than her choices (for example, they eat much better sitting at the table with him than when she plonks them in front of the tv and ignores them; she actually complained that he won’t just do it her way).

Crustaceans · 25/06/2019 11:11

Also schools and hospitals are completely different to when the children are in the care of their other parent. That much is obvious.

Even then, as a parent, you accept that the rules at school may be different to what you’d like or how you’d do things.

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/06/2019 11:13

I'd happily do it, she's now set the precedent for saying you are capable of looking after their daughter on your own. A good way to move forward, which you need to do. Have a lovely day out.

Jarjarblinks · 25/06/2019 11:15

Of course you say yes and have a rant here and a bit of an eye roll OP. Well done.

For all those saying that she should say no, I really hope that you are not step parents. Causing unnecessary conflict is never ever going to be good for the children and they have to come first.

Singlenotsingle · 25/06/2019 11:15

She'll never again be able to say all that stuff about you not looking after her dc, and you not being the mother.

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 11:16

@AnneLovesGilbert.
The op is married and has been with him three years

And in three years she’s never been left alone with the children
Does that not strike you as odd?

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 11:19

I'd happily do it, she's now set the precedent for saying you are capable of looking after their daughter on your own. A good way to move forward, which you need to do. Have a lovely day out

I love this. And I agree. This is what I’d do.

Original poster
WhatWould · 25/06/2019 11:19

How did she find out? Not pictures on Facebook?

No nothing like that. I assume the DC told her? I've never shared anything on Facebook relating to DC. The only thing on social media about them is what DH has tagged me in himself.

There really isn't 'more to it'.

I've not been left with them before because it's never really come up. DH organises his time so he is there when he has his DC.

OP posts:
Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 11:23

But in three years to have never been left alone with them? Presumably he doesn’t have them very often?!

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