AIBU to say no to DHs ex?

[WhatWould]

Me and DH married a year, together for 3.

Never had a problem with his ex who he shares a child with and I get on really well with DC.

The other month he had to run an errand when he had DC, it was unfortunate timing but it was urgent and couldn't be helped. I offered to watch DC whilst he did. He was only gone a maximum of two hours.

His ex kicked off massively about it saying DC is not mine (which I never implied they were) how dare he leave me to look after them, I'm not there mother etc...

Fast forward to now (a month later) she has plans on a day where she is supposed to have DC and has asked H to swap a day. Unfortunately he can't due to work commitments and so she has asked if I will look after DC.

I have absolutely no problem looking after DC, this is not about them in any way but I want to say no.

She wasn't happy about it before and made it clear, I hate that I'm now just seen as a convenience because it suits, I don't want to be a mug. By the same token, I don't want to cause drama or hostility!

Wwyd?

You've already got her husband

This makes it sound like I've stolen him somehow?

They were split up years before I met him, were never married and were only together for a shorter amount of time than H and I.

I do appreciate it's hard having another woman be close to/spend time with your child but I don't think it's an excuse to be obviously rude (and to me it is rude to complain one moment and then ask the next when it suits your plans).

As I said, I will tell DH that its fine because I don't want to cause long term issues and it isn't DCs fault but I will say I thought it was a problem last time? If he says anything to her or not is up to him, as I say she messaged him to get him to ask me, not directly so it wouldn't be me personally replying anyway.

By that batshit logic I have the boyfriend of everyone my DH ever went out with before me. It doesn't even say anywhere that OP's DH was married to his ex.

I'm not an evil second wife who stole him from his ex via an affair as people like to presume.

I'm actually my H's first wife!

Cross post. OP you really do need to ensure your DH brings up her behaviour last time if you agree to look after DC for her, if he doesn't then you are opening up the gateway to her believing she actually is the boss.

I’m really sorry that you’ve had some really weird and insulting responses here @WhatWould.

Even if your DH and his ex had been married, he still wouldn’t be ‘her husband’. He’d have ceased to be that when they divorced. As it is, he’s simply her ex-BF. And that means he is just not ‘hers’ in any way.

Nothing you’ve said even vaguely suggested that you’d ‘stolen’ him and it’s ridiculous anyone would imply such a thing. I don’t understand why so many posters on MN assume that SMs must have started out in the ‘wrong’.

You DH’s ex should count herself lucky that you are so nice and reasonable.

crustaceans the next time a poster pleads ignorance to the hard time stepmums get on MN we could point them to this thread!

I would look after the kids, but I do think you should mention how unhappy you were by her actions previously. Also that going forward a similar situation will not arise.
After that just let it go- be magnanimous in victory ( this is truly what the word karma was made for)

She probably only kicked off before because your DH didn’t tell her in advance that you would be taking care of her child. I’m sure you would feel the same if you entrusted your kids to someone and then found they were being looked after by someone else (potentially even someone you haven’t met or know properly). Now she’s had a chance to calm down and has planned you to take care of her child things should improve.

However never assume it’s okay to look after your DH’s child if he can’t. Always best to check it with the ex as ultimately she may want her own child with her if your DH can’t take a day off.

@Crustaceans I assume the poster thought that the mother must have cause to have previously been so unreasonable, that she must have been scorned. It couldnt possibly be that a huge amount of them are just incredibly unfair, spiteful, controlling and bitter towards the father and his partner, for no reason other than self importance and a desperate need to stay relevant.

@Teddybear45 - it is none if her business who babysits the child on the fathers time, nor whether she has met them or not! If the father trusts who he has left in charge, that is more than enough, he is an equal parent, not subservient to the bloody mother! I guarantee she isn't checking with the father who she leaves the child with when it suits her. We are talking about a hypocrite who tried to pull a power trip, nothing more.

@Teddybear45 the ex didn’t entrust ‘her kids’ to ‘someone’ who delegated childcare without checking. They were with their father. He’s an equal parent and entitled to make his own decisions without checking with her.

It’s unlikely she’d ask his permission to leave them for a few hours with a friend or something. Mothers are not the ‘senior parent’ or ‘boss’.

Even if your assumption is correct, @FightingForSMsEverywhere, it’s still fascinating who tends to be given the benefit of the doubt on MN. Because obviously mothers can only behave unreasonably with just cause. They (we) are never unreasonable.

I absolutely hate the implication on MN that a step parent is less a wife/husband/partner than the child's other parent because they weren't the first to have a child with their OH. Most of the SMs I know are first wives or been with their partners for longer than the children's mother was.

Having a child with someone doesn't make that person yours for eternity or give you a claim over any future relationship they may have and having a child is not the one thing that makes a 'proper' committed relationship.

Also, OP is not just 'someone the ex doesn't know' looking after her kids. She is the father of her child's, wife! The father is an equal parent who should have equal say over who he trusts to watch his children for a couple of hours when he needs to nip out.

It's not always practical to ferry children back and forth to the other parent because one needs to nip out for a few hours on their contact time.

You've already got her husband

How bloody rude!! This man is OPs husband, not his exes. He happens to share a child with another woman, it does make him hers! That is so dismissive of OPs relationship.

And as for carting children back to mum's every time dad needs to nip out so they aren't left with his wife, that's not how the real world works.

"Entrusted your kids to someone"...fuck me I've read it all now!

However never assume it’s okay to look after your DH’s child if he can’t. Always best to check it with the ex as ultimately she may want her own child with her if your DH can’t take a day off

It was two hours. H had to rush off to do something unplanned and I said I didn't mind watching DC whilst he did. We don't live next door to their mother, it isn't possible to take them back to her in a situation like that.

The only thing I assumed was that my H was a parent who could decide whether or not he wanted to leave his DC with me.

My suggestion would be to agree but to ask her outright (but not in the presence of any children) why it's different this time. You, not your DH as this is something for you two women to sort out, not him. Get her to explain so that you are justified in saying that if it's ok now it's now ok in the future too. She can't do this and then try to backtrack, so you have to remove that possibility now.

However never assume it’s okay to look after your DH’s child if he can’t. Always best to check it with the ex as ultimately she may want her own child with her if your DH can’t take a day off

^ this is a bloody stupid statement.

The dad can decide who looks after his child in his time!

@Crustaceans I am in complete agreement, my response was sarcastic, we all know that they are more than capable of being unreasonable without cause! We actually get a bit worried when ours behaves like a considerate, fair and decent human being, it's like the calm before the storm!

Megs, I don't speak to her directly other than at drop off/pick up to say hello etc...

She has messaged H asking him to check with me if I can watch them for her so I'd have to reply off his phone. I'd feel better if he just asked her the question to be honest.

Well you assumed wrong OP, your DH (oh sorry - I mean the ex's husband) is just a glorified babysitter dontcha know?

Most of the SMs I know are first wives or been with their partners for longer than the children's mother was.

It doesn’t even matter if someone is a first, second or third wife. There is some weird idea in society generally that second wives are somehow lesser. It’s just ridiculous. The fact is, there could only ever be a second wife because the first marriage ended. And if there’s a ExW, then it failed.

My friend’s mum is always going on about how her ex’s wife is ‘only a second wife’. It’s petty and makes her look ridiculous. Her ex and his wife have been married for 30 years now. That’s 3 times as long as she was with her ex. If anything, it just makes her sound a bit unhinged when she starts going on about h

Oh, I know, @FightingForSMsEverywhere. I wasn’t correcting you. I was adding extra sarcasm to your already great point (for the especially hard of thinking).

fighting having spent years dealing with a cf ExW myself I totally get why you want to take a hard stance. Likewise I see people over sympathetic to the ex because their DC's stepmum is a cow and they're projecting. However you're overlooking that in this particular case it would probably be a nice thing for the OP and her DSC to spend some one on one time together. If the Ex subsequently kicks off again in the future then that is the time to tell her to get to fuck. OP and her DH both need to be in the right headspace to play hardball with the ex and deal with the consequences, but right now it'll just cause more conflict that they're not emotionally ready to deal with yet. There's nothing laughable about recognising that

Exactly MyCatHatesEverybody As a SM I have had a lot of shit thrown my way just because I exist. It's not fun.

Oh and my ‘we’ was an acknowledgment that I am also the ex to my DS’s dad and SM. I’m fully aware that I’m just as capable of being an unreasonable pain in the arse as anyone (but I’ll accept I am when it’s pointed out).