WIBU to give my estranged sister a kidney?

[Shutupaboutthesun]

My older sister became chronically ill many years ago and needed a kidney transplant from our mother. That kidney is now failing and she will shortly return to dialysis.

I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to give her my kidney, not whether it would be unreasonable NOT to, because of our particular circumstances.

We are low contact and only see each other at big family events. We don't otherwise talk. Her husband recently wrote to me, asking if I would consider donating. Our younger sister got an identical letter - she has already said no.

We (me and younger sis) do not get along with our older sister because she bullied us terribly throughout childhood, physically and psychologically. Both of us have ongoing anxiety and self-esteem issues due to the bullying, which was never stopped or curtailed by our mother (our father left when we were young). DM is still in complete denial about what went on, and characterises the situation as 'you two have always ganged up on her'.

DSis (younger) is in therapy and it was her therapist who advised her to write back immediately saying no to the kidney donation. She then got a horrible letter from older DSis (even though the original letter was from her husband), calling her a selfish person and implying she was a coward and a liar. She said she never wanted to see younger DSis again and would avoid any family gatherings from now on at which she would be present.

After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts. I decided that I would say no too as I'll be damned if I'm going to be bullied by her in adulthood as well as childhood.

However, there was also something in the letter that made me pause. DSis has an 8yo daughter and she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. This resonated with me as I am sole parent to my 3yo DD. I realised DSis is in an unspeakably awful situation, and the right thing might be to put aside my childhood issues and help her if I can.

Having said that, the fact that my DD doesn't have another parent (father's name not on the birth certificate) makes me hyper-aware of my responsibilities to her. I know the risks from donating a kidney are low, but the risk is still there, and I go back and forth between believing that I owe it to my sister to try to help, and believing that I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship.

I've talked to a number of people about what I should do and they all, except for DM, said I shouldn't offer to donate. DM thinks I should because DSis is very ill, will probably die in the next five years without a new kidney, and there is 'no risk to the donor'. She keeps reassuring me that she has no health issues from donating her own kidney 16 years ago. Friends have said I shouldn't do it because my priority should be DD. GP said the same.

Even so, I keep thinking about it, and last week I almost told DM to tell DSis that I would be willing to get tested to see if I was a match.

I keep swinging back and forth between opposite emotions. Some days I feel guilty about what is happening to DSis, knowing that I could possibly stop it. The brutal fact is, if I don't donate, it means I am willing to sit back and watch my sister slowly die. DM is already full of grief about what is happening and her emotional state will only get worse as DSis deteriorates on dialysis.

Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family, whereas holding on to it just represents holding on to the bitterness of the past. Then other days I get angry and think, 'fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?'

I feel very clouded by conflicting emotions and it is hard to see clearly what is the right thing to do.

@Knittedfairies her mother already gave her a kidney before

If your DD doesn't have another parent or any siblings, you're it if she needs a kidney one day herself. Your dsis's mum gave her a kidney so she should understand you not wanting to deny your daughter that chance should she ever need it.
This alone is enough for me. Taking all familial ill feeling out of the equation, that possibility alone would prevent me donating. Even if I categorically knew none of my family would ever talk to me again (and I have a good relationship with them), I would not go through with it for that reason. It's not all on you. If you did donate it might fail and if you don't, you are no signing a death sentence, there are other donor possibilities. You need to develop a thick skin now, OP, for your daughter's sake.

@ddl1 this is very much a relationship decision, why would she potentially put her life in danger over someone who's treated her like shit all her life? You reap what you sow. I would understand if her sister has genuinely changed, asked for forgiveness, learned from her mistakes but she hasn't - she is still toxic and manipulative- she doesn't deserve the OP putting herself on the line, for whatever reason.

Knittedfairies her mother already gave her a kidney before

Ah, sorry - I missed that.

@Knittedfairies Op's mother donated initially. That kidney has now failed, hence the need for a new one.

I doubt they'd consider you for donation if you showed them the letter your sister wrote in answer to your other sisters "no".
That letter ought to put a stop to it.

I have only read your OP, Shutupaboutthesun so I can answer from the heart. I didn't grow up with any family after leaving my mother at under two. She has no other children and my father has two with his wife. I have no relationship with anyone except the odd card from and too my uncle. Before she died my fathers mother used to comment how one day he might need a kidney transplant. She wasn't happy with how he's totally failed his parental duties but I am no privy to any knowledge that he will ever need a kidney. I strongly suspect he's fit and well.

I had a conversation with my husband and he is adamant that I will never donate anything. They've added nothing to my life, they have made things very difficult, they haven't given a shit about me and my resultant childhood was abusive.

I do feel a tad selfish but ultimately it comes down to the fact that I am a mother before I am anything else and while I would donate to my kids without a second thought I wouldn't risk it for anyone else. Especially not someone who has caused me pain.

This is such a hard situation.

Any bullying is disgusting and shows a person in their true colours, it is normally as they have something lacking, so but out at others, but it doesn't make it any easier for the person on the receiving end.

Ultimately I think I would think of my DS first and probably say no, but i don't really know.

I think whatever you decide, it shows you are a good person just because of how torn you over this,

I would say no.

You are a single parent, your DD doesn't have anyone else. There will be recovery and time in hospital.

And I recall when a friend of my was in a similar scenario and they mentioned to me that the donors life expectancy will reduce by 20years living with one kidney. You will need to read up on this as I do not know if it's a fact.

you're the one living with the consequences ... It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to go to be tested AS LONG AS YOU MAKE IT CLEAR TO THE MEDICS FROM THE OFF THAT YOU'RE NOT UP FOR THIS, AND YOU'VE BEEN COERCED

I'm ignorant of the process, but does anyone else know if they'd even be prepared to test OP under these circumstances?
Wouldn't it be considered a waste of resources, since they are after all medics, not a family reunification charity?

Maybe it might work if OP disclosed the coercion after any tests, but surely not if she did it before?

No, they wouldn't actually carry out the medical tests. Just the psychological one which is the intial 'test' (but basically just a conversation). So admitting it up front is the fair thing to do. And sister will simply be told that SIL isn't suitable donor. They won't tell her which element of the testing the OP 'failed'

I would say no.
Your older Sis is a fucking bitch and you donating your kidney will not change that, or heal your family.
You are a single parent and your DD should be your priority. What if she needs a kidney one day and you've already given it to your horrible, bullying older Sis?
Please don't let her bully you again into donating a part of your body. You don't owe her anything. You have no relationship with her other than by blood. Of course she wants your kidney - but it won't make her change into someone you feel glad to have done such a huge thing for.
Put your own health first, because you owe that to your DD.

Shelvesoutofbooks: I don't think that it should be a matter of what people 'deserve' - otherwise that's the thin end of the wedge toward doctors making transplant decisions on the basis of how deserving they think people are, rather than on medical need. However, no one is obliged to give their kidney to anyone, and especially not if they have a dependent child and are possibly at genetic risk of kidney disease themselves, and if a previous donation from the mother ended up not working. It's a hard decision, but should not be based on 'deservingness'. I would have exactly the same doubts and concerns if it was a favourite sister.

I think it is absolutely clear you cannot donate to your sister, for many valid reasons but the most important that you are a single parent to a very young child.

So your dilemma is really whether or not to get tested (knowing you will opt out at a later point in the process with the help of the medical team to find a reason). You would go this only for your mother’s sake.

Again, as a lone parent I assume your mum is really important in your DD’s life, so again you need to think of her relationship as well as yours.

I think I’d start with a frank conversation with my younger sis to say I was considering being tested for these reasons, but that you absolutely wouldn’t be going ahead regardless of the outcome of the tests.

As a sole parent to a young child it would be highly unlikely that you would be allowed to be a live donor. This is taken into consideration by the transplant team and 99% of the time people in your circumstances would be refused.

You're plan B. Your younger sister was asked, said no, and got a shitload of abuse for her troubles. Likely the same will happen for you, even if you get tested and you're not a match (for whatever reason)

I sure as hell wouldn't leave my child an orphan and wouldn't even take that risk. As PP have asked, would she do the same for you if the roles were reversed? Not likely based on what you've said here.

I think going through the motions of getting tested when your younger sister has refused outright would show a real lack of solidarity with her fwiw, which may be worth considering. It sounds like you two have salvaged a decent relationship out of a car crash of a childhood. It would be a shame to jeopardise that for the sake of an organ transplant that's never going to happen anyway.

Thanks for that, @saraclara - as said, I'm unfamiliar with the process so your explanation's really helped

It's good, too, that the DSis shouldn't know why OP had "failed" as a match, since otherwise she could well be blamed again ... "you weren't enthusiastic enough", etc. However I've read that the physical testing can take months, so wouldn't a much quicker "no" from the transplant people be a bit of a giveaway that OP hadn't really wanted to do it, and that they'd picked up on this?

I wouldn’t.

As someone with kidney disease I would never expect or request that anyone acts as living donor to me. The risks are too great.

AstroKate, thank you for your post, it was very helpful.

And thanks for all the responses. They have helped to clarify things.

On whether she would donate to me under the same circumstances - I think almost certainly not. I'm not under any illusions that she will turn into a nice person - her letter to younger DSis very much underscored that she hasn't changed or reflected on her behaviour at all.

I guess I was just hoping that if I did this, I could change the horrible dynamic we are all stuck in.

Re: DM's attitude towards younger DSis since her refusal: as far as I can see, little has changed. But they aren't all that close, as younger DSis lives quite far away and they don't see each other often. OTOH, DM, me and older DSis live within 10 minutes' drive of each other.

When this whole thing came to a head with BIL's letter, younger DSis and I had some heart-to-heart talks about our childhood, and we both realised that we are angry at not only DSis, but at DM for not protecting us when we were kids. It puzzled us as DM was in other ways a very protective and attentive mother - she just had a huge blind spot about DSis.

I do need to put a bit of distance between myself and DM. I think I also probably do need to get some counselling about all this. The emotional stress has been quite intolerable and it's made it impossible to think clearly.

I suppose I could offer to get tested with the intention of backing out, but that seems a bit cruel to DSis. If I did offer to get tested, it would be with the intention of donating, that's why I wanted to work through doubts and emotions before offering. However, it's proven impossible for me to do. I just have too many bad feelings towards DSis, coupled with worry for my daughter and her future. I can't offer to donate in good faith and with the confidence that I am doing the right thing. Maybe I should write a letter to BIL telling him that.

Not a chance I would do this as a lone parent to a young child.

I guess this is what it comes down to. I do feel guilty about DSis, but I also feel guilty about taking a risk that could jeopardise my DD's future. Logically I know I do need to prioritise my daughter.

No one can tell you what to do.

What I can say is that I wouldn't even get tested. I have kids, I am not giving an organ to anyone else. It would be a sad, but very easy decision for me. My responsibility is my kids, and their dad.

I don't even donate blood anymore, as it took too much of my precious energy and I wasn't being the best mummy I could be whilst dragging myself about like a zombie.
I don't 'give' my precious time to people who don't somehow invest goodness back into my life.
I don't even give headspace to the dramas of family members who are emotional vampires.
Be like me. Say no.

I think I’d start with a frank conversation with my younger sis to say I was considering being tested for these reasons, but that you absolutely wouldn’t be going ahead regardless of the outcome of the tests

Wouldn't that be a bit dangerous? There's so much nastiness flying around this family already that, if the younger DSis was attacked again because "your other sister's happy to be tested", she might easily share OP's real view in retaliation

I know it's hard, but personally I don't think you should feel guilty about DSis. You didn't do this to her. You honestly are under no obligation to remediate this for her, even if you could - which given what people who are obviously very clued up about the whole process have had to say, is actually pretty unlikely.

Your sister does have other avenues to explore. Dialysis isn't a great way to live, but it does keep her alive, while they explore those other avenues.

You don't just have the right, but also the responsibility, to make your daughter's wellbeing, and your own, your paramount concern. Quite frankly it is absolutely vital, given that your mother won't.

Be strong through love for your daughter, not made foolish through guilt via your mother.

Your daughter MAY need your kidney one day, she DEFINITELY needs you healthy as her mother now.