WIBU to give my estranged sister a kidney?

[Shutupaboutthesun]

My older sister became chronically ill many years ago and needed a kidney transplant from our mother. That kidney is now failing and she will shortly return to dialysis.

I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to give her my kidney, not whether it would be unreasonable NOT to, because of our particular circumstances.

We are low contact and only see each other at big family events. We don't otherwise talk. Her husband recently wrote to me, asking if I would consider donating. Our younger sister got an identical letter - she has already said no.

We (me and younger sis) do not get along with our older sister because she bullied us terribly throughout childhood, physically and psychologically. Both of us have ongoing anxiety and self-esteem issues due to the bullying, which was never stopped or curtailed by our mother (our father left when we were young). DM is still in complete denial about what went on, and characterises the situation as 'you two have always ganged up on her'.

DSis (younger) is in therapy and it was her therapist who advised her to write back immediately saying no to the kidney donation. She then got a horrible letter from older DSis (even though the original letter was from her husband), calling her a selfish person and implying she was a coward and a liar. She said she never wanted to see younger DSis again and would avoid any family gatherings from now on at which she would be present.

After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts. I decided that I would say no too as I'll be damned if I'm going to be bullied by her in adulthood as well as childhood.

However, there was also something in the letter that made me pause. DSis has an 8yo daughter and she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. This resonated with me as I am sole parent to my 3yo DD. I realised DSis is in an unspeakably awful situation, and the right thing might be to put aside my childhood issues and help her if I can.

Having said that, the fact that my DD doesn't have another parent (father's name not on the birth certificate) makes me hyper-aware of my responsibilities to her. I know the risks from donating a kidney are low, but the risk is still there, and I go back and forth between believing that I owe it to my sister to try to help, and believing that I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship.

I've talked to a number of people about what I should do and they all, except for DM, said I shouldn't offer to donate. DM thinks I should because DSis is very ill, will probably die in the next five years without a new kidney, and there is 'no risk to the donor'. She keeps reassuring me that she has no health issues from donating her own kidney 16 years ago. Friends have said I shouldn't do it because my priority should be DD. GP said the same.

Even so, I keep thinking about it, and last week I almost told DM to tell DSis that I would be willing to get tested to see if I was a match.

I keep swinging back and forth between opposite emotions. Some days I feel guilty about what is happening to DSis, knowing that I could possibly stop it. The brutal fact is, if I don't donate, it means I am willing to sit back and watch my sister slowly die. DM is already full of grief about what is happening and her emotional state will only get worse as DSis deteriorates on dialysis.

Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family, whereas holding on to it just represents holding on to the bitterness of the past. Then other days I get angry and think, 'fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?'

I feel very clouded by conflicting emotions and it is hard to see clearly what is the right thing to do.

And I recall when a friend of my was in a similar scenario and they mentioned to me that the donors life expectancy will reduce by 20years living with one kidney. You will need to read up on this as I do not know if it's a fact.

@PepsiLola
It isn’t - see the link posted earlier in the thread

This is a horrid situation and even a grump like me feels for you.

If this was me it would be simple. No no no and just in case I’m not clear, no again. You have a child and your mission in life is to protect her and get her to adulthood etc. I would take no tests and allow no one to try and persuade me in any way. I fear if you take the tests then massive pressure will be applied on you should you be a match and no doubt the NHS will join the chorus.

Here’s the catch though. It appears that despite the best efforts of the bitch of a sister and neglectful mother you grew into a thoroughly decent caring person trapped in one absolutely vile dilemma.

I think you must look to the future. Your future. Your child’s future for which you need your health and cannot afford to gamble. Your elder sister and mother are your past and need to be left there.

Good luck, you clearly have plenty of support out here.

I think only you can decide. Sometimes a magnanimous gesture like this soothes YOUR soul. But entirely understandable if you don't.

Are the kidney issues hereditary? Is there a chance your daughter may need a kidney one day?

I probably would in all honesty as I don't know if I could live with watching my mum seeing her daughter die. I would do it for her rather than your sister

What would you want your sister to do if you were in her situation?

There's your answer. The universal principle—it never fails.

Sorry if this has been brought up already, but I’d doubt you’d even be able to donate. Living donors including relatives undergo a psychological assessment to check they are happy to give an organ willingly and free from coercion. I cannot imagine any psychologist/counsellor worthy his/her salt would be recommending you should donate to your sister.

Good to read your last update that this thread is helping you to clarify things.
Even before I got to that bit - I wanted to write and say - reassess your own relationship with your mother. Maybe sooner rather than later you need to build up alternative support networks - so you have the strength to stop doing things out of guilt because your mum helps with DD. I think someone else alluded to it - you are not beholden to her because she helps, she is also helping because she wants to spend time with her grandaughter I'm guessing.
If you can have an honest conversation with your mum - then take her through the key points.

1. you are DD's only parent, your neice/nephew have two
2. you need to be as fit and healthy as possible for your DD, she is a bigger priority than your sister
3. your sister is still being nasty and threatening
4. there isn't a hope in hell you would pass the psychological tests because you would only be doing it out of guilt to your mum

I can't offer to donate in good faith and with the confidence that I am doing the right thing. Maybe I should write a letter to BIL telling him that

It's clear we all feel for you deeply in this horrible situation, but while it's not my decision to make, I'd avoid any reply that was based on "feelings". They've already been very quick to ignore how you feel, and there's every chance they'd do the same again if they believe it's just a matter of "helping you to see it the right way"

You don't need an excuse, but if you want one, maybe it would be easier in the end to apply for testing, be honest from the start about the coercion so that they say no, then present the family with a done deal

Being as this is playing so heavily on your mind and making you anxious, I would firstly get tested as you may not be a match, which would instantly take this stress away from you. No one has to know you are being tested.

If you are a match, then you can decide, as at the moment you are massively stressing yourself out over something that you may not even have to worry about ❤️

If I was in your situation I think o would have to decline. Her response to your sister says a lot about her as a person. You can't force someone to donate an organ, so she has no right to respond so angrily.
Don't be emotionally blackmailed either by your mother as it is a big ask.

The risk may be small, but there is risk and someone is always that low percent...it's not worth risking tour own health or your daughters future with you for someone who has made four life hell.

Listen to the advice from your GP, people who know you and most of all your gut instinct! Head and heart can make a right mess of these things...gut is always right!!

I probably would in all honesty as I don't know if I could live with watching my mum seeing her daughter die.

The cold hard reality is that sometimes parents have to find a way to live with seeing their child die. It's horrible. My bil and sil had to watch their five year old die. But they had to find a way to live with it, because they had three other children depending upon them.

OP has her child solely dependent on her Mum. She has only one parent. Her responsibility, is not to her own mother, but to her child.

Her sister still has dialysis to prolong her life while exploring other options - including her husband's potential to donate. Her sister's child has two parents - one more than OP's child has.

As a single parent YWBU to donate. Your child is your priority and if you are a donor you'll be in hospital for a while and this will surely impact on her.
If this was a stranger asking would you do it. Try and look on it that way. You don't have an obligation to donate.
This is not your sisters only chance. People can live for years on dialysis and she will go on the national donor register so there is a good chance she'll get a kidney that way.
Don't do it.

TheRedSquare according to a (clearly well informed) PP, it wouldn't get as far as the physical testing. Apparently the psychological "chat" about aims and relationships comes first, which would hopefully put an end to it all ... and also prevent resources being wasted on something that wouldn't be happening anyway

A difficult choice OP!

if you are a match and can go ahead:

• your daughter might be left with a sick parent or no parent
• your sister might survive or might die

If you don't go ahead:
-Your daughter will have a healthy parent
-Your younger sister will have support
-your older sister might survive or might die

From what you say though, it does seem that the bullying from your childhood is continuing. You are being pressured in ways that are really unfair.

Don't do it. Your daughter is priority here and she needs a healthy mum.

Maybe harsh as it is, from this your sister might learn the meaning of reap what you sow!!!

Hi OP,
I think the person you need to have a heart to heart with is your mum.

You can tell her that you understand it must be terrifying to have a very ill child and that you know she would do whatever she can for her child. It hurts you to see your mum suffer and if you felt you were able to help you would BUT the thought of leaving your small child an orphan is terrifying for you and you would go to any lengths to ensure that that doesn’t happen - so for this reason you can’t offer to donate. You would love to stop your mum from suffering if you could but you can’t - you have responsibilities that come before that. She would do anything for her child but you would do anything for yours and that means saying no.

Even if the operation went brilliantly anything that affected your remaining kidney in the future would be much more serious.

Your mum donated for her daughter and you would donate for yours.
It’s likely your mum would also have chosen not to donate for someone that was not her child if she had small children relying on her.

If your sisters partner has diabetes I expect he isn’t allowed to donate but I think a couple choosing for the partner not to donate in case both parents became p ill or have their lives shortened would be a valid choice. As you have pointed out you are the sole parent and while it is ever under your control you must be alive and well for your child.

I think once your mum understands the seriousness of the situation for your family she will realise that she has to balance the needs of her daughters rather than push for her daughter that needs a transplant and she may look towards another way without pressuring you.

I think a simple letter to your sister telling her that you are sorry you are unable to help but as a lone parent you can’t take a risk with your health. That you are thinking of her and hope she gets the treatment she needs. If she writes back spitefully rise above it and ignore. She is not your priority - your daughter is.

I honestly wouldn't. I feel bad even writing it so I can't imagine how you feel but MY child comes first to me, before anyone in my life, even a young niece or nephew. I wouldn't risk my health and risk my child being left without me. Especially not for someone who has been awful to me my entire life.

We have kidney disease in our family, two of my sisters sufering quite badly with it. We've actually had a conversation, and the agreement between the sisters (all of us), is that our kidneys are for our kids, not each other. . . weird conversation to have, but there you go!

YABU to donate thinking it was completely low risk physically and mentally. There are risks that need to be properly considered for your circumstances.

For my own piece of mind I would go for initial testing and support from the transplant team and pull out once I had all the information knowing I have done the right thing for me and my dc. It will also help your dm and allow you to support her if she thinks you couldn't rather than wouldn't if the worst happens.

I think a simple letter to your sister telling her that you are sorry you are unable to help but as a lone parent you can’t take a risk with your health. That you are thinking of her and hope she gets the treatment she needs. If she writes back spitefully rise above it and ignore. She is not your priority - your daughter is.

I agree with every word of this. Kind and moral and firm.

Really bad advice to waste the transplants teams time when you know you wouldn't donate.

I wouldn't donate but for family's sake I would go for testing, explain it to the medical team and have them officially dismiss me as a donor for medical reasons. That way the family relationship isn't harmed any further.

I second whoever said that you should communicate anything about your emotions or feelings. Nothing personal. Only facts.

The fact is that you have consulted your GP and he has said no.
Personally I would go that step further and see the transplant team in order to say no to them. They would then be the bearers of unrefutable bad news. In hindsight, this would have been the best option for your other sister too.

But if you're not prepared to do that, keep communication simple and factual. "I'm sorry, but I've consulted my doctor and he's said that I'm unsuitable as a donor"

Really bad advice to waste the transplants teams time when you know you wouldn't donate.

It isn't. The first appointment will be very brief. And it will save them time ultimately, as presumably they know that the family are being approached, and will be keen to move things on by knowing definitively whether a live donor is available or not.

The OP could even phone the team to ask what she should do, if she's really concerned about wasting time (which she shouldn't be, but...)

We've actually had a conversation, and the agreement between the sisters (all of us), is that our kidneys are for our kids, not each other

Do you know if you are matches? What happens if you keep your kidney, your sister dies, them you don’t match your child? What if a cousin matches your child but won’t donate because she’s keeping them for her currently healthy child? Plus each child has two parents-if dad’s a better match yours may not be needed.

I wouldn’t make those decisions unless I know who I match to.

I don’t think I could let anyone die on the off chance my child might need a transplant.