WIBU to give my estranged sister a kidney?

[Shutupaboutthesun]

My older sister became chronically ill many years ago and needed a kidney transplant from our mother. That kidney is now failing and she will shortly return to dialysis.

I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to give her my kidney, not whether it would be unreasonable NOT to, because of our particular circumstances.

We are low contact and only see each other at big family events. We don't otherwise talk. Her husband recently wrote to me, asking if I would consider donating. Our younger sister got an identical letter - she has already said no.

We (me and younger sis) do not get along with our older sister because she bullied us terribly throughout childhood, physically and psychologically. Both of us have ongoing anxiety and self-esteem issues due to the bullying, which was never stopped or curtailed by our mother (our father left when we were young). DM is still in complete denial about what went on, and characterises the situation as 'you two have always ganged up on her'.

DSis (younger) is in therapy and it was her therapist who advised her to write back immediately saying no to the kidney donation. She then got a horrible letter from older DSis (even though the original letter was from her husband), calling her a selfish person and implying she was a coward and a liar. She said she never wanted to see younger DSis again and would avoid any family gatherings from now on at which she would be present.

After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts. I decided that I would say no too as I'll be damned if I'm going to be bullied by her in adulthood as well as childhood.

However, there was also something in the letter that made me pause. DSis has an 8yo daughter and she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. This resonated with me as I am sole parent to my 3yo DD. I realised DSis is in an unspeakably awful situation, and the right thing might be to put aside my childhood issues and help her if I can.

Having said that, the fact that my DD doesn't have another parent (father's name not on the birth certificate) makes me hyper-aware of my responsibilities to her. I know the risks from donating a kidney are low, but the risk is still there, and I go back and forth between believing that I owe it to my sister to try to help, and believing that I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship.

I've talked to a number of people about what I should do and they all, except for DM, said I shouldn't offer to donate. DM thinks I should because DSis is very ill, will probably die in the next five years without a new kidney, and there is 'no risk to the donor'. She keeps reassuring me that she has no health issues from donating her own kidney 16 years ago. Friends have said I shouldn't do it because my priority should be DD. GP said the same.

Even so, I keep thinking about it, and last week I almost told DM to tell DSis that I would be willing to get tested to see if I was a match.

I keep swinging back and forth between opposite emotions. Some days I feel guilty about what is happening to DSis, knowing that I could possibly stop it. The brutal fact is, if I don't donate, it means I am willing to sit back and watch my sister slowly die. DM is already full of grief about what is happening and her emotional state will only get worse as DSis deteriorates on dialysis.

Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family, whereas holding on to it just represents holding on to the bitterness of the past. Then other days I get angry and think, 'fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?'

I feel very clouded by conflicting emotions and it is hard to see clearly what is the right thing to do.

Thinking about it I think your younger sister did the right thing in issuing a prompt No following the request. The longer you ponder it the higher the expectations on the part of your mum and older sister.

No, I wouldn’t do this. Your primary responsibility is to yourself and your DD. The worst-case scenario is that you die or have serious complications. I wouldn’t risk that as a parent of a young child, let alone a single parent.

It is very hard to say no to DM about this

This struck me in your most recent post, OP -- remember it's not your mother's affair, fundamentally. She enabled abuse, has a completely different view of your family dynamics to yours, and is ultimately trying to impose her view of your sister as the victim, rather than the perpetrator. She donated a kidney 16 years ago, as was her right. She has absolutely no right to try to pressure you into donating, and I think it's an appalling thing to do, and as bad as your older sister's letter to your younger sister.

I think also, as pps have said, you would be highly unlikely to get through the psychological testing, even if you were a physical match. It would be as plain as the nose on your face that you are being coerced by your mother (on whom you are dependent for childcare as a single parent) into giving a kidney to your childhood bully.

It's a horribly difficult situation, and I sympathise, but I think you actually know perfectly well what you are going to do, and that your responsibility lies ultimately with your daughter. Does it help that virtually everyone on this thread has said the same thing?

definitely not.
Not only because of the way she treats you, but what if something went wrong, you have a child to look after. i think her mum is better alive.

Is your DM's childcare support worth one of your kidneys? Is that how it equates?

Say no. Be firm that, as a sole parent, it's not a health risk you can take.

Do you think she'd donate one to you if the situation was reversed?

Very very good point / question.

Not a chance I would do this as a lone parent to a young child.

You would be damaging your own health and absolutely shortening your own lifespan - in order to (possibly) give your sister another, what? - possibly less than 10 years if this kidney failed so quickly. It won't make your sister well. Her DD at least has one healthy parent, whereas you would be putting your own DD in the position where she has just one health-compromised parent.

Take the emotion out of it and place the fortunes of the two children side by side and the safest option which would see them both reach adulthood with one healthy parent is for you not to donate.

Your own GP says no.

And then, the relationships. From what has happened already, I can agree that you donating - or agreeing to donate in principle - won't heal anything. Your sister shows no insight and isn't about to. It will however almost certainly create a new dynamic which I'd argue would be worse. Your younger sister will indeed be cast as 'the selfish one' which sounds as if it would be a very stressful position for her to end up in. You would be thrust into a closer relationship, at least temporarily, with your older sister - but not in any positive way. It sounds as if she arrogantly sees it as her 'right' as a person in poor health to take what she needs from you. I think you would find that attitude very hard to deal with, especially if you were left with complications. It sounds as if your mother's attitude to it all, her denial of the background, would also likely lead to her 'reframing' the new situation in an unhelpful way. 'So lovely to see that after all, the bonds of sisterhood are there blah blah' - she would possibly treat you and your younger sister differently I suspect. I would just. not. open. any. of those cans of worms.

I would instead quote my doctor's advice, point out that I am in the position her H is, where to compromise my own health when I am the only healthy parent my child has just isn't an option for me. And I would as a result stand next to my younger sister and make this much easier for her as not the only person to make the same decision.

OP - maybe read back your posts? To most of us it is very clear that you are being bullied and coerced - you are frightened of saying no. And that is making you consider doing something that could have a lifelong negative impact on your daughter. She is your priority.

Is there any way that you could lessen your dependence on your mother for childcare? If she pulled out, how could you manage? You shouldn't have to think like this but it's evident that the bullying you is ingrained in the family.

No don't do it.
You owe her nothing and it may open up so many old wounds that you have probably spent a long time healing from.

My sister died at New Year from cancer and had asked to see me before she passed away. So many people in RL said I should go, closure, blah blah blah but it was almost unanimous on here to not go and think about myself, and that is what I did.

You know what, you owe your sister nothing, not even a visit let alone a fucking organ and that's without you being your DD's only parent into the equation.

People need to start realising that their actions have consequences and as heartless as that seems, if you want to act like a bulky and an arsehole your entire life then it will eventually bite you on the arse.

Your sister could have really tried to build a relationship with you and apologise and make up for the abuse she put you through especially in the light of maybe having to ask you for a body part but she chose not to. Says it all really.

I haven't RTFT (sorry) but I have experience with kidney transplants among friends and family. With better immusuppressant drugs, kidneys don't have to come from immediate family. I know of wives who have donated to husbands and their kidney has survived longer than the one that earlier came from a sibling. If you want to enter into correspondence (although I think a simple no would be perfectly acceptable), I would ask if your older sister's husband has been ruled out.

Do you think she'd donate one to you if the situation was reversed?

I think OP knows full well that the answer to that would be no!

I think it's fairly obvious that they have even discounted her DH donating (which given their position as parents is kind of understandable) because they would much rather this risk was undertaken by someone else. They're happy to not only ask but guilt-trip others into something like this - I think the level of potential 'selflessness' they possess is fairly clear.

I really feel for the younger sister especially. Older sister sounds as if she absolutely terrorised her.

In your situation, I would say no. And I say this as someone who fully intend to be a live kidney donor when DH needs it.

Reasons for : none that I can think of. It won’t heal your family dynamic, it won’t stop your sister bullying or your other enabling her.

Reasons against : your DD. This is the biggest one, she only has you and she needs you. It’s major surgery, it carries risk and you will take longer to recover from donating than she will from receiving. Her DH can volunteer to be a paired donor, a family history of diabetes does not automatically exclude you. HD isn’t the end of the world for her either - the reason most people have a shorter life expectancy on dialysis is related to the underlying cause for their renal failure. As hers was sepsis it’s safe to assume there isn’t an ongoing pathological process that might give rise to other life limiting complications. She can go on the waiting list for cadaveric transplant and there is no reason to think that she can’t bridge with HD until something becomes available.

Your DD is the one you should be thinking of with this, not your sister.

The sentence you quoted from your sister's letter really shocked me: the one about how it is "the worst feeling in the world" knowing she may not get to see her dd grow up.

This is plain unadulterated emotional blackmail. it is manipulative and bullying - further proof that she still thinks/hopes she can dominate and control you. OP please please DO NOT LET HER MANIPULATE YOU.

Whatever the situation she is in, your first responsiblilty - especially as a lone parent - is to your own dd. End of.

It is very hard to say no to DM about this, and if I do it will probably damage our relationship permanently. DM helps out a lot with DD so I am quite dependent on her

Don't assume you're in a position of weakness with this, OP.

Your mother may help out a lot, but presumably she also values her relationship with you and her grandchild.

I would suggest that any guilt-tripping or nonsense and you could very firmly put your foot down and say no, you either respect my decision and that I have the RIGHT to not risk my own health or we part ways, because I will not have my DD exposed to dysfunctional relationships - if this is going to affect the way you treat me/us, then we will walk away, I will find other childcare, you will not see me pander to unfiar treatment and sulking.

Your mum would very likely back right off if she thought she'd end up with you (and her GD) walking away.

So if the persons lying I hospital with no respipant you can say well I wasn't giving a kidney to her if you could because of our childhood?
Have you seen or heard of a kidney patients treatment and how sick they can be
realise you have a relative with a serious health problem and I've watched a person go through it it's horrid I wouldn't wish it on anyone however cruel they were as a CHILD

No, I wouldn’t do this.

When my DUncle needs a kidney I was more than happy to give him one of mine.

Before going through the medical tests, the donor team looked at my personal circumstances and said I was not able to donate.

Like you I was a lone parent (to then 2yo DS) - they said that due to the time it takes to recover from surgery (up to three months) it was not feasible for me. In addition to not being able to lift anything, I wouldn't have been allowed to drive.

They said that if my DUncle still needed one when my DS was older then it might be possible. Luckily my DCousin was able to donate his.

Perhaps a chat to the donor team might give you the same get out clause?

(YANBU btw - I'd be saying no straight off the bat. You wouldn't offer a kidney to a school bully - just because she's your sister doesn't wipe out the past.)

The only person who has said to do it is your mother. Your gp has said no, your friends have said no and the majority of people here have said no. So you need to shut down the conversation with your mother asap. Tell her you will no longer discuss the situation with her, and stick to it. Your sister is absolutely vile. Her past behaviour is one thing, unforgivable, and her letter to your other sister is just beyond words. If she had just said thank you for considering it, it would have made a difference, but to call your sister a liar and write such hurtful words, that's just showing her as the disgusting bully she still is.

You may not even be eligible to donate. As you have a 3yo I am guessing you are younger. Is there a chance you will want another child in the future? If so, they will not let you donate - my SIL is only allowed to be tested as she does not want children, but they would not let her donate last time because she was younger and in case she changed her mind about children as it is dangerous to have a pregnancy with 1 kidney (obviously people do, but they will not let you donate if you want more children)

This stood out for me, along with all the posts saying that you won't be eligible if you are not 100% positive you want to donate. I'd say you are 0% positive but you just feel guilted into pretending that you may be interested in donating, by your mother. She has some nerve expecting you to donate given your personal circumstances as a single mum. Put yourself and dd first, always. Do not take this further. Reply to your BIL and tell him that after careful consideration you are not in a position to donate. You don't have to give reasons, medical explanations, excuses. Just say no. And if a letter arrives from your sister, bin it without opening it.

OP please don't do this. Just because you two share blood doesn't mean you OWE her anything. Even if she does have a daughter, your child should be your main concern.

Your sister is toxic and it seems so is your mother, do not let her bully you into something again!

It’s very sad that her sister is in this situation mumsie and no one would wish that on anyone but at the end of the day it is a choice not an obligation to be a living donor.

I grew up with similar sibling relationships, so I understand the emotional pull towards a grand gesture that will heal the past, but I think it's misguided. As an adult, I can see that a sibling who behaved like this in childhood is a victim herself of the fucked up family dynamics, so it's not that I couldn't forgive the past (difficult though that would be), so much as that the way people are behaving now is unacceptable.

The way this is being handled is all kinds of wrong. Family organ donations are emotionally complex and need open, mature communication. Your sister getting her husband to write a manipulative letter is terrible, and the angry reply she sent your younger sister is beyond awful. Your mum, who seems to have been the architect of all the conflict in the first place, needs to keep her beaky nose out of your decision making process altogether, and the medical information she's been feeding you is rubbish. Live organ donation carries appreciable risk, and while most procedures don't end tragically, some do. I think you absolutely must put your wellbeing and your DC first.

This is not really a reasonable expectation on the part of your sister and I suspect if you take even the first steps towards doing it, the transplant team will spot a mile off the coercive dimension to things and stop you.

Can I also suggest counselling about your childhood relationships more generally, as it strikes me that the fact you're even considering this means you've never lost the childhood desire to please your bullies, which will come back to bite you over and over again until you deal with it.

It's a very difficult situation for you OP. It's all too easy to tell you not to do it because of a, b and c, but not at all easy in real life. Your GP has said no, and you're a single parent. Has your mother at least offered to donate, even if deemed unsuitable/too old or whatever?

I'm struck by the fact all this has been carried out by letter and not face to face or by phone. It's a very big ask.

Superb posts from Fizzy - shamefully, the potential impact of a donation on the younger DSis hadn't occurred to me

One way and another, the whole family dynamic seems to be a mess. It's obviously dreadful for the older DSis to be so ill, but I'm not sure how a donation would make things better in any real way

I would get tested - you may not even be a match. If you are: then I think that you should make the decision on the same basis as you would make it for anyone else. It should not make a difference either that she's your sister (except that this makes you more likely to be a match) or that she acted badly and you are estranged. The issue is really to what extent one person with dependent children should risk her life and health to save the life and health of another person with dependenr children. And that mainly comes down to medical issues, which you should discuss with the doctor: How likely is it that your kidney will in fact 'work' for your sister? (There can be quite a lot in between being a complete match and being definitely not a match at all.) If it does work, is it likely to be permanent? How risky would the operation be for you? Are you or your child at any increased genetic risk of later developing kidney disease yourselves? If you do, then having only one kidney might increase your danger; if your child does, then you would have ruled out the possibility of donating a kidney to her. But there may be no genetic risk at all. All these things have to be taken into account. I do not think that a therapist should have told your other sister what her decision should be, in either direction. It's ultimately a medical choice, taking into account the risks for all parties, not a 'relationships' decision.