WIBU to give my estranged sister a kidney?

[Shutupaboutthesun]

My older sister became chronically ill many years ago and needed a kidney transplant from our mother. That kidney is now failing and she will shortly return to dialysis.

I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to give her my kidney, not whether it would be unreasonable NOT to, because of our particular circumstances.

We are low contact and only see each other at big family events. We don't otherwise talk. Her husband recently wrote to me, asking if I would consider donating. Our younger sister got an identical letter - she has already said no.

We (me and younger sis) do not get along with our older sister because she bullied us terribly throughout childhood, physically and psychologically. Both of us have ongoing anxiety and self-esteem issues due to the bullying, which was never stopped or curtailed by our mother (our father left when we were young). DM is still in complete denial about what went on, and characterises the situation as 'you two have always ganged up on her'.

DSis (younger) is in therapy and it was her therapist who advised her to write back immediately saying no to the kidney donation. She then got a horrible letter from older DSis (even though the original letter was from her husband), calling her a selfish person and implying she was a coward and a liar. She said she never wanted to see younger DSis again and would avoid any family gatherings from now on at which she would be present.

After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts. I decided that I would say no too as I'll be damned if I'm going to be bullied by her in adulthood as well as childhood.

However, there was also something in the letter that made me pause. DSis has an 8yo daughter and she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. This resonated with me as I am sole parent to my 3yo DD. I realised DSis is in an unspeakably awful situation, and the right thing might be to put aside my childhood issues and help her if I can.

Having said that, the fact that my DD doesn't have another parent (father's name not on the birth certificate) makes me hyper-aware of my responsibilities to her. I know the risks from donating a kidney are low, but the risk is still there, and I go back and forth between believing that I owe it to my sister to try to help, and believing that I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship.

I've talked to a number of people about what I should do and they all, except for DM, said I shouldn't offer to donate. DM thinks I should because DSis is very ill, will probably die in the next five years without a new kidney, and there is 'no risk to the donor'. She keeps reassuring me that she has no health issues from donating her own kidney 16 years ago. Friends have said I shouldn't do it because my priority should be DD. GP said the same.

Even so, I keep thinking about it, and last week I almost told DM to tell DSis that I would be willing to get tested to see if I was a match.

I keep swinging back and forth between opposite emotions. Some days I feel guilty about what is happening to DSis, knowing that I could possibly stop it. The brutal fact is, if I don't donate, it means I am willing to sit back and watch my sister slowly die. DM is already full of grief about what is happening and her emotional state will only get worse as DSis deteriorates on dialysis.

Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family, whereas holding on to it just represents holding on to the bitterness of the past. Then other days I get angry and think, 'fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?'

I feel very clouded by conflicting emotions and it is hard to see clearly what is the right thing to do.

Honestly I think you need to consider what is best for you and your daughter. Donating an organ is a huge thing to do and could have possible ramifications for your health. If you were close to your sister it might be a harder call but I don't think you should feel guilty for not donating.

I have a similar family dynamic to you. Except mine was an older brother and there are only two of us. I am physically scared of my brother. My mother is also in complete denial and apparently much weaker and vulnerable me bullied and continues to bully him as I am now NC. Even the thought of being in the vicinity of him is making me feel physically sick and afraid.

I understand your dilemma. I’m chronically ill so obviously it would be a no from me. In your place I would either tell your mother your Gp has advised against it on medical grounds (she doesn’t have to know the real reason as emotional is also medical). Pay your Gp to write a letter. If they won’t, speak to the donor team, who will rule you out.

If your remaining kidney fails in the future you’re daughter would be left without you.

We reap what we sow.

What if you give her a kidney and she's still as spiteful as ever? Would you regret it?

I think your motivation for doing this would purely be for your mother - and that's not enough of a reason imo. I would donate for my sister but definitely not if she was like your sister.

I do think shame on your mother for even contemplating asking this of you. Even if she ignores or pretends your sister's bullying of you, to have so little regard for you and your daughter's interests is pretty horrendous.

Older DSis wrote back saying that only the kidney transplant team could determine if she was really at increased risk, and also insinuating that younger DSis was lying about having a medical condition in the first place

This says it all.

Please do NOT get tested. Please do NOT donate.

Your sister is showing who she is and you need to listen.

A donated organ is a gift not a birth right.

I have a couple of medical conditions that if I was asked to donate an organ and wasn't sure, my GP could easily point out recovery would be difficult.

As many posters have said for your health - mental, physical, whatever - say to your sister that unfortunately you have also been advised you cannot donate by your GP due to health issues. Then continue LC.

Haven't read the whole thread but from what I've read I definitely cannot see it healing your family. The fact your older sis called your younger sis selfish, a coward and a liar shows that she hasn't changed and probably won't it sounds like she thinks she has some sort of entitlement to your body parts! op would she do the same for you? I doubt it. As for your DM don't listen to her the fact she says there's no risks as she did it herself shows she doesn't care about your health either. All surgeries carry risks and transplants especially so. Also if this is a genetic condition what about yours or DD health for the future? You mother clearly cares very little about that if she's resorting to emotional blackmail. Talk to your GP about it they can probably advise you better on the procedure's and risks it carries so you can make a decision. Although to be honest going by the circumstsnces you've highlighted I'm with your younger sis she was right to say no don't cave in to you DM emotional blackmail you'll only end up feeling angry and resentful for doing it if they then discard your after getting what they want from you

I would say no because if your own child needs a kidney one day you will not have a spare one.

Lemonlady's response upthread is excellent

Your responsibility is not to your sister, but your child. Your health, your futures, matter.

YANBU to not give it. I wouldn’t. I’d never be able to forgive myself if My own child suffered as a result, or worse, ultimately needed a kidney herself and I’d already given my ‘spare’ away.

This is your choice of course, and it must be an horrendous decision to make. But whatever you decide, giving a kidney will not heal your family xxx Good luck xxx

Do you think she'd donate one to you if the situation was reversed?

What impact has your younger sister's decision had on her relationship with your mother?

In your shoes I'd go through the motions of being tested, for the sake of keeping the peace with your DM. There are several posters on here ( with experience) who have reassuringly said that the real reasons for "not being a match" will not be divulged to your elder sister.
Good luck OP💐

No, do not do it. There's no guarantee that the transplant would be successful. Even if it is, they don't last forever. (My then husband had one that rejected after a few years).
AND people who are in your debt don't suddenly become grateful and nice. They resent the fact that they owe you. She wouldn't change.
As pps have said, your own DD might need a kidney one day, and your duty to her is greater than that to this sister.

What an awful predicament @Shutupaboutthesun

I write as someone who has received a kidney transplant from an amazing friend of mine. I was on dialysis for 6 months and was lucky enough to have a good match with hers. I write the below with a big caveat that this is my experience and may not be transferable to your situation (from a medical point of view)

Firstly, dialysis does take a lot out of your body and it does have its limits but many friends I've made in my journey have been in dialysis for 10-25 years (longer in some cases than a kidney lasts).

Secondly, paired kidney exchange is absolutely viable for your sister and another close friend had extreme high antibodies and had her blood 'washed and stripped' for 6 weeks prior to donation to overcome the issue with antibodies. This treatment is quite common I believe for those with high antibodies. Would this be an option for her alongside paired exchange?

Now to the issue of your suitability (I'm ignoring the issue of obligation here as only you can make that decision). My friend was in amazing health. The medical tests she had were extreme. She had to lose some weight despite already being what I consider healthy. She had months of checks on blood pressure, urine tests, had to cut down drinking etc. Then there comes the psychological tests. This is where I think you'll have a problem. The team are very quick to sniff out any doubts or concerns. And they will stop the process if they sense this. If you are on the fence as you say (and, in your shoes, it would be a hard no from me!) then I don't actually think you'll pass the test to donate. And btw, if this is the case, your sister won't be told the reasons why, just that you're not a suitable candidate.

Before my awesome angel of a friend donated, I had another acquaintance offer to be tested. This was someone I'd purposefully gone LC with as our lives had just drifted and I found her hard work. Despite being on dialysis I turned down her offer. I wouldn't want to take something from someone I'm not sure I'd do the same for and I didn't think it was fair. So as others have asked, would she do the same for you?

Just FYI my friend took a long time to recover despite being in such good shape. She was in hospital for 3 days and when at home had her mum with her to do basic things that she struggled with. She took a knock in energy as her body got used to having one kidney. 6 months later she planned to do a half Marathon but her PT advised not to-her body still needed time to adjust. She has connected with other live donors and she's actually had a better recovery than others, so you'd need to factor this in too.

Hope this has been helpful to your decision.

It is very hard to say no to DM about this, and if I do it will probably damage our relationship permanently. DM helps out a lot with DD so I am quite dependent on her.

It's very easy for us to say 'bollocks to her, just say no', but you're the one living with the consequences.

It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to go to be tested then. AS LONG AS YOU MAKE IT CLEAR TO THE MEDICS FROM THE OFF, THAT YOU'RE NOT UP FOR THIS, AND YOU'VE BEEN COERCED.

They will be used to this. If you don't say it straight off, I'm concerned that you will end up giving in at some point in the process.

I wouldn’t even contemplate giving her a kidney.

I’d only donate to my children.

Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family

I very much doubt it; from her hateful response to your other sister's refusal, I'd say this is already broken beyond repair so there seems little sense in risking your own health and your DD's security

Overall I'd think DD's interests - along with your GP's advice - would be reason enough to refuse, but your body isn't a collection of spare parts and in such a family situation I'm afraid it would be a simple "no" from me

Please do NOT get tested. Please do NOT donate

Your responsibility is to your own dd and your mother should understand that. She cannot say to you that it is risk free because that is a blatant lie. Any operation requiring general anaesthetic carries risk. Add this to the fact that you don't know if there will be long term complications or whether you may have problems with the remaining kidney in the future would make this a definite no from me, and that's before considering what a nasty person your sister is.

I wouldn't. She can be on the transplant register and be fairly well whilst on dialysis.

What if something happened to your remaining kidney once you'd donated?

For her to reply so nastily to your younger sister is terrible. Do not donate your kidney. There will be other friends or family members who can help her.

Yes someone raised an important question. If the shoe was on the other foot would she do the same for you?

It is a hard situation, I don't think YABU but I also don't think you should do it.

Personally, I would only ever donate to my children. It may sound horrible but what if one of them needed one in the future, I was a match but I had already donated mine to someone else? Let alone someone I didn't like/get on with.

I also would worry that it is something genetic that I could donate and then have that condition and only be left with one.

I wouldn't dream of donating in your circumstances. Your responsibility is to your own DD rather than hers. She sounds really horrible and her letter to your sister shows that she hasn't changed. Considering she is so horrible to you she may well be a horrible toxic mother too and maybe her DD wouldn't even thank you for risking your life to save her mother.

you're the one living with the consequences ... It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to go to be tested AS LONG AS YOU MAKE IT CLEAR TO THE MEDICS FROM THE OFF THAT YOU'RE NOT UP FOR THIS, AND YOU'VE BEEN COERCED

I'm ignorant of the process, but does anyone else know if they'd even be prepared to test OP under these circumstances? Wouldn't it be considered a waste of resources, since they are after all medics, not a family reunification charity?

Maybe it might work if OP disclosed the coercion after any tests, but surely not if she did it before?

It really jumps out at me that, even when her life may literally depend on it, she can't bring herself to be nice to you. She can't even be arsed to pretend to want to reconcile with you. She holds you in utter contempt and sees herself as being entitled to your organs.

Even though she sounds hideous, I think the main reason I'd say no (and I have a sister just like this, so it's not hard for me to imagine) is that I owe my children a healthy mother. Your sister has multiple health problems from the sound of it, and kidney failure is only part of that. Agreeing to donate will not heal anything. You are a collection of spare parts to her, nothing more.

It might also be worth looking into ways that you can rely less on your mother. I know that's hard to do, but I think that the earlier you start, the better your chances of sorting it before it becomes a childcare emergency.