WIBU to give my estranged sister a kidney?

[Shutupaboutthesun]

My older sister became chronically ill many years ago and needed a kidney transplant from our mother. That kidney is now failing and she will shortly return to dialysis.

I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to give her my kidney, not whether it would be unreasonable NOT to, because of our particular circumstances.

We are low contact and only see each other at big family events. We don't otherwise talk. Her husband recently wrote to me, asking if I would consider donating. Our younger sister got an identical letter - she has already said no.

We (me and younger sis) do not get along with our older sister because she bullied us terribly throughout childhood, physically and psychologically. Both of us have ongoing anxiety and self-esteem issues due to the bullying, which was never stopped or curtailed by our mother (our father left when we were young). DM is still in complete denial about what went on, and characterises the situation as 'you two have always ganged up on her'.

DSis (younger) is in therapy and it was her therapist who advised her to write back immediately saying no to the kidney donation. She then got a horrible letter from older DSis (even though the original letter was from her husband), calling her a selfish person and implying she was a coward and a liar. She said she never wanted to see younger DSis again and would avoid any family gatherings from now on at which she would be present.

After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts. I decided that I would say no too as I'll be damned if I'm going to be bullied by her in adulthood as well as childhood.

However, there was also something in the letter that made me pause. DSis has an 8yo daughter and she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. This resonated with me as I am sole parent to my 3yo DD. I realised DSis is in an unspeakably awful situation, and the right thing might be to put aside my childhood issues and help her if I can.

Having said that, the fact that my DD doesn't have another parent (father's name not on the birth certificate) makes me hyper-aware of my responsibilities to her. I know the risks from donating a kidney are low, but the risk is still there, and I go back and forth between believing that I owe it to my sister to try to help, and believing that I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship.

I've talked to a number of people about what I should do and they all, except for DM, said I shouldn't offer to donate. DM thinks I should because DSis is very ill, will probably die in the next five years without a new kidney, and there is 'no risk to the donor'. She keeps reassuring me that she has no health issues from donating her own kidney 16 years ago. Friends have said I shouldn't do it because my priority should be DD. GP said the same.

Even so, I keep thinking about it, and last week I almost told DM to tell DSis that I would be willing to get tested to see if I was a match.

I keep swinging back and forth between opposite emotions. Some days I feel guilty about what is happening to DSis, knowing that I could possibly stop it. The brutal fact is, if I don't donate, it means I am willing to sit back and watch my sister slowly die. DM is already full of grief about what is happening and her emotional state will only get worse as DSis deteriorates on dialysis.

Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family, whereas holding on to it just represents holding on to the bitterness of the past. Then other days I get angry and think, 'fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?'

I feel very clouded by conflicting emotions and it is hard to see clearly what is the right thing to do.

I'm glad you decided to say no.

Had I been even half as terrible as your sister, I'd - at the very least - have had the decency to knock on my sister's door, apologise, explain my awful situation, beg forgiveness, and ask for help I acknowledge I don't deserve. (I'ma great sister - you can ask my lovely sisters)

As she hasn't, and has acted as an entitled CF, you owe her nothing. Not your respect, your forgiveness, nothing. Certainly not your organs!

You sound like a lovely person, I'm sorry you've been made to feel like you owe her something, you don't.

Only you can answer this. You do not "owe"your sister a kidney but it certainly wouldn't be "unreasonable" to donate. It's a matter of what you feel is right.
Maybe it would be perfectly reasonable to make it clear the pain and suffering her bullying has caused and that you need her to acknowledge that. Maybe you could encourage her to make an effort to understand your younger sister. It would be cathartic to all of you. Agreeing to donate a kidney would give you the moral high ground in any such discourse. I wouldn't advise your decision to be conditional on that as that would be a form of blackmail. Ultimately, you will feel better if you do. If your sister continues to be unpleasant, you have the consolation of not being her. She can accept your offer and consider her own behaviour or she can accept your offer and continue to be obnoxious or she can reject your offer. Either way, your own sense of integrity is intact.

Am I the only one that would go through the testing process, then, regardless of the result say it was a no match? That way then your sister doesn't get abusive with you?

I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to waste the time of everyone doing the work. From the sounds of things OP would end up with abuse anyone, the sister sounds the type to do it.

Good luck with your letter OP. It's best to do sooner than later and feel peace of mind.

I think you need to find out what that means for your health - what if you needed chemo, could your body cope with the treatment if only one kidney. All these health scenarios need to be explored. It affects your life insurance too so please be aware.
It's awful you're in this position but it's telling you only matter to her now you have something she needs. It won't heal your family.

Don't do it. Any surgery has risks, bad reaction to the anesthesia, a blood clot that goes to the brain or heart etc, post-op complications, like an infection. My mum died from sepsis from an infection following a very 'low-risk' surgery. You are a mum, the only person you should be thinking of is your child. Plus as someone mentioned what if your child ever needed a kidney? You wouldn't be able to save her. Even if it was the nice sister the answer has to be no.

The question is can you live with yourself if she dies and you do nothing? My suggestion is to find out if your a match first and then take it from their. I would suggest same to younger sis. Point out its not about her think about your niece. Also think about the one up it would give you knowing she's alive thanks to you. It must have been very tough for her to even ask you both. You may not even be a match but it's worth finding out first.

I refused weight loss surgery last year, simply because I couldn't justify the risk when I have two autistic children and my husband died 4 years ago.

I know this is totally different, but what I am trying to get across is that, when you have children they have to be number one priority in any risky decision making. Simply put, your dd needs you more than your estranged sister.

Refuse, hopefully she will avoid you in the future.

No I wouldn’t. This is bullying and emotional blackmail from both of them. Please don’t do it. Your risk of problems from surgery or your daughter needing it over-rules it. She’s already had one after another 16 years it will be your daughter being asked....just no. No contact. Shut it down and go to therapy with your younger sister. Once a bully always a bully.

I’m on the other side of this. Been told I’ll need a transplant, estranged from brothers. No other family.

At the moment, I wouldn’t ask them. I know the answer and I think they’d probably enjoy the process of saying no a bit too much.

I don’t know how desperate I’ll get, but my Son is a teen and I fret about leaving him with no family at all.

I just look at Selena Gomez who accepted a kidney from her best friend. I hope for the best.

Don’t feel bad OP. It’s a big huge ask - one I’m hoping I never get to have to do.

Luckily, I do have friends who’ve offered if/when the day arrives!! I really hope my function stays as it is for the next 20 years...

If neither you nor your sister are a match/refuse to donate then her DH could donate to a pool and she ewould receive a matched kidney.
Why is he not offering his own kidney? Its a relatively common occurence and you would not have to be tested.

Don't even reply to the letter. You have a young daughter and she is your first concern. You will live with horrendous stress worrying about anything happening to you. Kidney donation is not to be taken lightly, donors can be left with problems.

I think you'd be a hero for donating. I think I would do it - could you live with it if she died when you could have saved her? I come from a kidney-problems family myself, and have had many an argument with dh about whether I should donate when the time comes. He takes the view that he and the dc need me more, and that it's too risky, but I disagree. I think I've been lucky to get the good gene not the dodgy one, and that I should do what I can to help a family member who wasn't so fortunate. But mine aren't horrible, which makes it easier...

OP, another voice adding to the "Don't Do It" chorus, for all the reasons they've given.

But also consider this: From what you've posted about your toxic DSis and her messages/responses, it's clear to me that you and your younger DSis were always Plan A in her head, all the way back to that original transplant, when it would have been clearly explained that she would eventually need another kidney.

She always planned on bullying you into this. Her response to your DSis saying No, the spitefulness, etc, is the result of being thwarted, she feels entitled to your kidneys.

RedSheep73 Your children also have a 2nd parent, OP is a single parent to a 3 year old. She shouldn't take the risk. If something goes wrong, what happens to her child?

I think in your situation I would donate the kidney. I don’t think I could live with myself if I could do something to save my mother or my niece from the grief of losing a daughter/mother. But I would make VERY sure beforehand that you and your daughter are not at risk of kidney problems yourselves, because as everyone says your daughter comes first.

I don’t think there is a wrong decision here. I think you should follow your heart and not let other family members make up your mind for you, in either direction.

miagerbies

If you've only got one kidney you'll never be asked to donate so saying you would agree to donation is pointless.

I have breast cancer (or had, cross fingers - active treatment finished a month ago, so jury is out). I know exactly what it is like to look at my two primary aged kids and wonder if I'll see them reach secondary age. And despite that, I would never, ever directly ask anyone, no matter how close, for something like this, let alone attack them for saying no. It's a massive thing to hope for - the risks are not at all negligible in an absolute sense, just a comparative one. And I am not a sociopath, so funnily enough, I don't feel entitled to other people's organs. If someone hears of something like this, and decides to offer, that's lovely, but you do. not. ask. Her explosion when someone says actually, they'd rather keep their own kidney where it belongs, thanks, is grotesque.

Odds mean little on an individual basis. My odds of getting breast cancer this young were negligible, and yet I did. I had a huge tumour and my odds of it having reached the lymph nodes (which would make survival odds dramatically lower) were around 97%... but they hadn't. Fantastic for me, but nobody can count on odds, medically, going in the right direction. The only way to guarantee this poses no risk to you is to refuse to do it. You can't take risks with your own health when you have young children, full stop, and certainly not for a sister who has never given an airborne fornication about you.

If you wouldn't do it for a stranger, who hadn't ever hurt, harmed, or let you down, why do it for someone who has? It's a real shame your sister has abused and bullied the two people who would medically be in a position to help her, making them have very little desire to do so, but the fact is, even if she hadn't, and you were close, it would still be pretty irresponsible to do this because your daughter relies on you so much, and is so small herself. As others have said, to agree to this is to place your child's needs and best interests below your sister's. Your duty and responsibility is to your child, not her. Your niece is not more important than your own child, and this is a wholly avoidable risk.

And please recognise one final thing: donating that kidney is very unlikely to heal anything. When someone has a huge favour done for them, they very often end up resenting the donor - there's an odd research study that shows people tend to resent someone to whom they are greatly indebted, while feeling very warm towards someone they have chosen to help. You hear horrible stories about surrogacy within families, where someone is pressured into it and then the discomfort everyone else feels about the origins of the golden child's baby means the surrogate is isolated and pushed out. Life is often a lot less symmetrical than would be fair, and doesn't operate as it does in fiction, and if you think the sister who said no to the kidney would be forgiven or treated better because you said yes, or that the sister to exploit you like this would feel affection for being reminded of all she owes you, I think you need to think again. It would be really, really unlikely to do anything but throw a whole new hand grenade into the situation, something this emotionally loaded and complex.

But again: none of this means anything, because your only, let alone primary, absolute responsibility is to your own child. Any sibling, even a dearly loved one, would have to take second place. And that's a completely valid reason for saying no. You don't need another.

I'm sure she will send a vicious response. If she does, it simply proves that you were right, because she's showing no concern at all for you, or your child. None. Yet she wants this sacrifice for herself.

for you, because this is a miserable situation.

I could have written your post myself; my sister, 16 years older than me, tried her level best to ruin my life and family before I finally went NC. She is on dialysis (I'm told), and hasn't asked me to donate, but if she did, the answer would be a definite NO, even though my children are grown up. To quote from your post : "fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?" : this is exactly how I feel. Don't feel guilty, either.

I was in a similar situation with my sister (but it was part of my liver they were after) and completely different circumstances.

I am one of four, all 3 of us were tested to find out if we were a match. It was decided I was the best possible match and had the best nodes to give.

I had to have extensive testing, then see a councillor then have a psychological evaluation (to check I was sane enough 😂) I was also the only one who was a parent I was advised time and time again I could back out etc the risks were explained time and time again, it would have been a major life impacting decision. They recovery time was over 8 weeks and I would have had to take 3-4 months off work (physical job) I would have happily done it, sadly my sisters condition deteriorated before I could donate it.

However my sister and I were close, very close and I would have walked through hell to have made her better and to have saved her.

Do not do this out of some misplaced guilt, it’s a massive ask, and an incredibly selfish ask, i remember my sister asking me if I wanted to back away as even she thought it was too much of a sister to do, no pressure was put on me from anyone it was something I was willing to do.

in your situation as a single parent with no back up I wouldn’t even consider going for the testing. No amount of bullying from your mum or sister should influence your decision.

Hopefully caught all of OPs posts.

I’m sure you can get tested without telling your sister. I would probably do this then decide if you don’t know either way at the moment.

For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t donate to my NC brother. Not a chance in hell. Lone parent or not I don’t see why your child should potentially grow up without you.

I wouldn’t. I’m estranged from my brother and in 30 years he’s done nothing to render him special treatment from me. My kid comes first no doubt, I’d like to be around for a good while yet and whatever the doctors say if something goes wrong with your remaining kidney as it well could you’ll be devastated. That’s why we have 2. Your sister has no right to your kidney it’s insane to think otherwise. You could infer that you will always be there for her daughter if she needs you if that helps you to feel better about not helping your sister directly.

Dont do it !!!!
Your little girl is your only priority please dont risk your future health and her security x

@RedSheep73 with all due respect your children and partner should be your priority. Your family members have been dealt their hand.