WIBU to give my estranged sister a kidney?

[Shutupaboutthesun]

My older sister became chronically ill many years ago and needed a kidney transplant from our mother. That kidney is now failing and she will shortly return to dialysis.

I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to give her my kidney, not whether it would be unreasonable NOT to, because of our particular circumstances.

We are low contact and only see each other at big family events. We don't otherwise talk. Her husband recently wrote to me, asking if I would consider donating. Our younger sister got an identical letter - she has already said no.

We (me and younger sis) do not get along with our older sister because she bullied us terribly throughout childhood, physically and psychologically. Both of us have ongoing anxiety and self-esteem issues due to the bullying, which was never stopped or curtailed by our mother (our father left when we were young). DM is still in complete denial about what went on, and characterises the situation as 'you two have always ganged up on her'.

DSis (younger) is in therapy and it was her therapist who advised her to write back immediately saying no to the kidney donation. She then got a horrible letter from older DSis (even though the original letter was from her husband), calling her a selfish person and implying she was a coward and a liar. She said she never wanted to see younger DSis again and would avoid any family gatherings from now on at which she would be present.

After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts. I decided that I would say no too as I'll be damned if I'm going to be bullied by her in adulthood as well as childhood.

However, there was also something in the letter that made me pause. DSis has an 8yo daughter and she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. This resonated with me as I am sole parent to my 3yo DD. I realised DSis is in an unspeakably awful situation, and the right thing might be to put aside my childhood issues and help her if I can.

Having said that, the fact that my DD doesn't have another parent (father's name not on the birth certificate) makes me hyper-aware of my responsibilities to her. I know the risks from donating a kidney are low, but the risk is still there, and I go back and forth between believing that I owe it to my sister to try to help, and believing that I owe it to my daughter not to take this risk for someone with whom I have a very poor relationship.

I've talked to a number of people about what I should do and they all, except for DM, said I shouldn't offer to donate. DM thinks I should because DSis is very ill, will probably die in the next five years without a new kidney, and there is 'no risk to the donor'. She keeps reassuring me that she has no health issues from donating her own kidney 16 years ago. Friends have said I shouldn't do it because my priority should be DD. GP said the same.

Even so, I keep thinking about it, and last week I almost told DM to tell DSis that I would be willing to get tested to see if I was a match.

I keep swinging back and forth between opposite emotions. Some days I feel guilty about what is happening to DSis, knowing that I could possibly stop it. The brutal fact is, if I don't donate, it means I am willing to sit back and watch my sister slowly die. DM is already full of grief about what is happening and her emotional state will only get worse as DSis deteriorates on dialysis.

Some days I think offering to donate my kidney would be some kind of 'big gesture' I could make to heal our whole family, whereas holding on to it just represents holding on to the bitterness of the past. Then other days I get angry and think, 'fuck it, no, why should I give that bitch my kidney, when she's had more negative effect on my life than any other person?'

I feel very clouded by conflicting emotions and it is hard to see clearly what is the right thing to do.

As a single mum with a young child, it is likely they will not let you donate. If you may want children in the future, they will not let you donate.

As a single parent I would say you should not take the risk, however small it may be. Your daughter has to be your priority.

Before I had kids I would have considered myself the kind of person to put myself at risk or in harm's way to help anyone, including strangers.

Now my responsibility is to my children. I need to be healthy and whole to raise them - and that's with a co-parent! OP, whilst you're obviously a good person, I think you ought to prioritise your DD, not somebody unpleasant with whom you share genetics.

Don't do it OP. Your DD has to come first. And I would hang on to those angry feelings too. Why should you give that bitch your kidney? Why indeed? After what she's done to you and your other sister? No chance.

After younger DSis showed me that letter, I felt the familiar feeling of panic and helplessness from my childhood, of being trapped with older DSis, unable to get away from her fists and her taunts.

You are still clearly deeply traumatised by what she did to you as a child.

she wrote of how awful it is to have to look at her every day and know that she won't see her grow up. She wrote, 'It is the worst feeling in the world'. Now she's an adult she is more sophisticated and resorts to emotional blackmail. She's still vile, she doesn't give a toss about you or your other sister, and her sense of entitlement is truly astounding. Even if you did donate a kidney, she'd still be vile. There would certainly be no healing of the whole family. The damage done is too deep and your sister is too toxic for that. You owe her nothing. Her daughter has a dad as well as a mum.You are the only parent your daughter has. For her sake you should not be taking unnecessary risks.

Virtually everyone on this thread has said don't do it. Your GP has advised against it.Everyone in RL has advised against it apart from your DM.

Think about that.Your DM thinks you should do it because her golden daughter is affected. She took her side when you were children and she's still doing it. She's putting your sister's interests first, above your interests and those of your child. Making out the risks are minimal, when they are really not.

I think you need to tell DM the GP has advised against it so you won't be doing it. Then I would take a leaf out of your other sister's book and book some therapy to deal with the issues that have resulted from the abusive sister's bullying and the negligent mother who enabled it and failed to protect you.

Well it sounds like your mum is the one who's to blame for all your childhood trauma. She didn't do her job 💁

That aside it's up to you what decision you make, my friend almost died when she donated. And has been left with a lifelong condition.......it isn't a decision to take lightly and it's one only you can make.

Your mum (and dad?) have a part to play in this as well. She turned a blind eye to sister’s bullying of you and younger sis, no wonder the relationships have turned out how they have. Although it’s more than likely older sis was always going to be the person she was. I wonder what your mum’s reasons were? Did she want to deflect her oldest dd’s attention away from her and on to you and sis? Did she not want all of you to get on so that you would all rely on her?

It was very cruel to ignore the bullying.

they have weighed up the risks of her husband donating a kidney and possibly leaving their child without a parent...
yet they deem it ok for you to donate to them possibly leaving your child an orphan, (now or in the future as you just dont know)... you know on that basis alone it isnt right...
there are risks to donating, you can ask your doctor to outline them for you, as they are different for each person depending on their test results, which by the way there are a lot of tests and procedures that you will need to go thru, and after all that i would you would be turned down because of the fact that you are a single parent with a young child who depends on you!!!!
and remember when she abuses you for saying no, and uses all the emotional blackmail on you, that she is happy for your child to potentially become and orphan... REMEMBER THAT!

You reap what you sow

A cliche but so true. Whilst I hope that a match is found for your sister, her behaviour (past and present) set in motion current course of events (not the sepsis but you and your sister’s understandable lack of desire to endanger your own lives or well being of children.)

Imagine if she had been a loving sis, and a loving aunt to your dd, then the answer may still have been the same, but not nearly so cut and dried.

Apologies, if this has already been said, as I haven't RTFT.

What an awful dilemma you are in but to simplify it

• how would you feel if in a few years your daughter needed a renal transplant and you could have saved her life but had already given it to your sister?

Even if you are not match for your daughter right now, medical advances may be such that any "mismatch" may be overcome in a few years.

In these circumstances, no, I wouldn't.

OP - if this was me I would not donate. Your daughter is your priority.

I would think it would be better not to because your Mum might well need one of your kidneys if her only remaining one fails in the future.

I think you’ve made the right decision. You need to think about your daughter firstly. And as you say, your sister probably wouldn’t help you if you were the one needing a kidney.

I would only do this if I could do it from a place of true altruism and love.

It needs to be a gift given freely.

If you didn’t offer, then they should never have asked. It’s such a huge undertaking and puts you in a horrible position.

I wouldn’t.

No. Your responsibility is to your DD. However low the risk, it isn't zero. Besides what if this is genetic? What if she needs a kidney one day and you can't donate as you already gave yours to your sister.

Since her original transplant, your sister has had 16 years to address the rift between you and your younger sibling.

She's chosen not to do that.

Her response to your younger sister was appalling. Accusations of lying about her health etc.

If sibling donation was the best option then why didn't she bother to forge positive relationships with you both?

She's imho made very clear in how little regard she holds you by having the gall to ask in the first place.

Donating won't make her a nice person and not donating doesn't make you or your sister a bad person.

Personally I think your younger sister did the right think coming back swiftly with a firm "no". Don't let this put pressure on you however as the "last" option or be made to feel guilty about it.

As pp's have made clear the route to being accepted as a donor is very robust and requires time and commitment (rightly so). This will involve time away from your child/job.

The recovery is long (6months plus) to being back to "normal" health.

Whose going to be looking after you/your child during this time?

Sibling donation is not her only option. It's her preferred option. A "preferred" option she's asking of people she's spent her whole life bullying.

It's a clear no from me. Even aside from your sisters behaviour the impact on you and your daughter (through testing/recovery plus any potential long term ramifications) as a single parent means that donation is simply not a gift that you are in a position to give.

Your DM should be able to grasp this, but if she can't then tough. If the loss of her approval means the protection of your daughters best interests, so be it.

Draft your BIL an email but expect a response from your sister so perhaps block him after. Focus on your health and the wellbeing of your family. Good luck, your mum and older sis sound pretty toxic.

After writing to your little sister such an awful reply I'd say no

Would you do it for your childhood bully?

Probably not. The only difference here is that she has the same parents as you.

Under the circumstances I don’t think you should be donating. Even if you loved your sister deeply, I’d still question it.

At a really crude and harsh level, if your sister dies your niece still has her father. If something happens to you, your much younger daughter has no-one.

The first appointment will be very brief. And it will save them time ultimately, as presumably they know that the family are being approached, and will be keen to move things on by knowing definitively whether a live donor is available or not

Actually, that makes a great deal of sense ...

I think a simple letter to your sister telling her that you are sorry you are unable to help but as a lone parent you can’t take a risk with your health. That you are thinking of her and hope she gets the treatment she needs. If she writes back spitefully rise above it and ignore. She is not your priority - your daughter is.

Thanks SunnyDay, I think I will do this. Writing to her directly is better than replying to BIL, I think.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

In your circumstances I would say no but I can understand why you feel conflicted

I would think it would be better not to because your Mum might well need one of your kidneys if her only remaining one fails in the future. and the answer should be a resounding no there too! Her mum has played a part in the bullying and guilt tripping. As Dsis’ mother she obviously chose to give her own. That doesn’t mean anyone, even OP, has to return the favour, putting her own health and the security of her DD at risk.

I think you're right to write directly to your sister as well. Do get that therapy, and focus on your relationship with your younger sister too. You need to support each other!