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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents want inheritance back

862 replies

NeededtoNC · 25/06/2019 00:21

Ten years ago, my parents decided to gift me and my brother 100k each as early inheritance within the 7 year period.

With that I bought a house (with a mortgage). Still have 15 years left on the mortgage.

Now our parents want the inheritance back because they have decided they want to buy a summer home abroad.

DB is in a position to be able to as he’s well off.
However I am not and I’m barely able to keep up with the mortgage payments as it is.

In order to give back the money I’d need to sell. My parents are aware of this and have said that if I need help to pay rent, they’ll give it to me. But they want the lump sum in order to buy their holiday home.

AIBU to not give it to them?

OP posts:
contentedsoul · 26/06/2019 19:48

I'd be inclined to sell up, move to a very undesirable area that you can comfortably afford - then hand the cheque back with a "happy now"
….And walk away.

Maybe the realisation they have just destroyed one of their own children's lives will make them weep with remorse.

Sorry but the Fucking baby boomer generation make me pig sick - the generation that had it all, but still wanted more.

manicmij · 26/06/2019 19:49

Who on earth gives a gift to both children and then 10 years later asks for it back whether money or anything else. Your parents seem to have lost the plot. Had your DB not been in a position to give the amount back what would DP do. YANBU to not give it back if the money was given with no strings attached. Strange though that it was considered to be a pre-inheritance arrangement. Why not a straight gift?

SandyY2K · 26/06/2019 19:52

I've heard it all now. You don't demand inheritance back. That's crazy

YANBU...but your parents are. Shocking behaviour.

Most of don't have 100k tucked away.

Aragog · 26/06/2019 19:53

Gift is a noun. I’m not sure when this habit of saying gift instead of give started but I’d like to ‘gift’ people some English lessons.

Whilst you may not like the use of the word 'gift' as a verb, it is actually a valid use. It has been listed as a verb in the Oxford English Dictionary for many many years - dating back to the 16th or 17th century, though sometimes writted as gift as well as gift.

SandyY2K · 26/06/2019 19:54

@EllenMP

I assume if you are on MN then you have kids

Many people on here do not have kids. That would be an incorrect assumption.

Ijumpedtheshark · 26/06/2019 19:56

Gifted is also a technical legal term.

skybluee · 26/06/2019 19:56

I'd keep it very simple.

"I'm sorry mum and dad but the money was given as a gift. It has been spent. You're asking me to give up my home, my children's home, and our families stability in exchange for holidays. I wish you the very best going forward and I hope you understand that I am unable to give up our home. I hope very much that you see the position from our side and that it does not affect our relationship - and that you find a solution to enable you to take your summer holidays.
Your child"

JustOneShadeOfGrey · 26/06/2019 19:57

On which planet is this reasonable of your parents? They’re bonkers! And your brother hasn’t helped matters by behaving like it’s normal behaviour.

You are not the unreasonable one here.

Raybay · 26/06/2019 19:58

I am going to agree with the majority. This was a gift to you. What would they do had you spent it all on holidays, there would be nothing tangible for you to sell to liquidate the money. If they want to buy a house abroad then they should sell their UK home and use that and go and live permanently outside the UK.
Each year my PIL gift my husband and his sister an amount of money. They have been doing this for about a decade. We don't need this money to survive but it helps us out. There is no way on this earth that they would dream of asking for this money back. When they first started giving this money they made it quite clear they could afford it and we could do with it as we saw fit, there were no strings to the gifting.
As a parent, I hope to one day be able to help my daughter financially, I would certainly not ask for a penny of it back.

Tistheseason17 · 26/06/2019 20:08

YANBU - keep the cash and have a good quality of life. They don't NEED a second home but you NEED a first home.

A gift is just that. Sorry, but they sound awful and better to walk away than deal with this shitstorm for the next 20 yrs...

Jebidee · 26/06/2019 20:12

Please do let us know what your parents say when you tell them to shove their demands where the sun don't shine

Teacher22 · 26/06/2019 20:20

“Sorry but the Fucking baby boomer generation make me pig sick - the generation that had it all, but still wanted more.”

What a truly horrible thing to say. You cannot tar everyone with the same brush. Most people would be shocked and sickened by the way the OP’s parents are treating her and most Baby Boomers want the best for their children and grandchildren.

The amount the BB’s are gifting offspring and GC in terms of house deposits, gifts, loans, free childcare and other substitutes for otherwise paid services runs into billions of pounds’ worth per year.

The Resolution Foundation and the left generally who are propagating these divide and conquer myths are to be roundly condemned. However, it is the responsibility of the individual to recognise the truth for themselves.

It is because the parents in this thread are very untypical of their hardworking, loving, responsible generation that the situation is so very unsettling.

forumdonkey · 26/06/2019 20:33

OP have you got DC's?

MLMsuperfan · 26/06/2019 20:36

@Teacher22 well said

IHateUserName · 26/06/2019 20:38

I am really shocked, literally jaw-droppingly gobsmacked. That your own parents expect you to become homeless just so they can have a holiday home.... If this was me this would have destroyed my relationship with them, & there is no way I would be giving them any money, or any fucks either.

contentedsoul · 26/06/2019 20:41

@Teacher22 - Well they say the truth hurts!
The baby boomers didn't even fight in the bloody war, instead just reaped all the rewards. My parents attitude is shocking, they bleat about the duration that interest rates hit 15% as though it lasted for decades, but happily forget all the perks they've enjoyed throughout their lives and still enjoy, whilst both their previous generation suffered and todays generation suffer and will never have the benefits they enjoyed.

Wrong on so many levels.

pantherrose · 26/06/2019 20:53

My heart goes out to you and I am going through something similar which has destroyed my rather naive faith in what was left of my 'family', left me totally isolated as a result of a vicious and spiteful campaign by my sister and stepfather and has cost me three productive years of my life through stress and breakdown as a result. I am now pretty much destitute. My advice? I'm with the majority, please protect your interests. You accepted the gift in good faith and trusted your parents. It is not for you now to put yourself at risk if some years later, the goalposts have changed. Emotionally is another matter perhaps, but from a practical perspective, perhaps the CAB could advise you? Good luck.

Giraffemama1 · 26/06/2019 20:59

Absolutely NO WAY!!
You were given the money in good faith and chose to spend it wisely.
How dare they ask for it back!!

cavalier · 26/06/2019 21:00

Wow ... that’s a bit of a tough one
Couldn’t do that to my children .... it would be like asking for the money back we paid for their wedding ! .... I’d feel hurt too ... that’s a lot of money too isn’t it ?

lemoned · 26/06/2019 21:07

If they are happy to help pay rent (and towards all the associated moving costs, presumably), why can’t they rent a holiday home? Or sell their home in the UK and rent instead. They’re happy to force you into renting so presumably they should be happy to rent themselves.

If they had just spent the money on a holiday place to begin with then fine - fair play, but to gift you this money and then demand it back is just plain cruel.

Ilfie · 26/06/2019 21:19

I’m about to give daughter (and family)similar amount as I’ve just received inheritance and want to help them with getting a property of their own. There’s no way I’d expect them to return it to me if I decided to change my future plans- a gift is a gift, they should feel ashamed of themselves!

CorBlimeyGovenor · 26/06/2019 21:22

Also, just a thought, but any other relatives/friends of theirs that you could talk to about this? Am just wondering if it would help if they heard how unreasonable they were being from someone else who was close to them. Someone who could earn them about the perils of buying abroad and of the risks of causing a serious family rift. They're your parents and obviously love you very much. They, for some reason or other, have taken leave of their senses. There is very little rational thought for their decision. They have completely failed to understand the enormity of what they have asked of you. There seems to be a real lack of empathy. The best solution would be for someone other than yourself to make them see sense if that is an option.

BengalGal · 26/06/2019 21:22

Print this thread out, and send it to them with that copy of King Lear. And a note, sorry I can’t gift you 100k£ For your holidays while making my own family homeless. You all have a history of poor financial management, even wanting to buy instead of rent this holiday home at your age indicates you haven’t learned lessons or don’t get good financial advice. I would never depend on you all for rent. I’m very grateful you helped me buy my home. That was a gift, not a loan, and I am sorry I am not in a position to make a similar gift to you now. If you were in need of it for health reasons or to survive I would do my best to help, but to make your child homeless so you can buy a holiday home is crazy. I am deeply hurt.

Jojofjo44 · 26/06/2019 21:23

The biggest issue here is that they are willing to see their flesh and blood homeless in their selfish need for a holiday escape home. That goes against every parenting instinct.
Say no, and keep your distance from them for your own mental health.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/06/2019 21:31

I am a baby boomer. I have teenage children still living at home. Definitely wouldn’t be doing what ops parents have done.