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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents want inheritance back

862 replies

NeededtoNC · 25/06/2019 00:21

Ten years ago, my parents decided to gift me and my brother 100k each as early inheritance within the 7 year period.

With that I bought a house (with a mortgage). Still have 15 years left on the mortgage.

Now our parents want the inheritance back because they have decided they want to buy a summer home abroad.

DB is in a position to be able to as he’s well off.
However I am not and I’m barely able to keep up with the mortgage payments as it is.

In order to give back the money I’d need to sell. My parents are aware of this and have said that if I need help to pay rent, they’ll give it to me. But they want the lump sum in order to buy their holiday home.

AIBU to not give it to them?

OP posts:
DuchessSybilVimes · 26/06/2019 10:40

I'm going to give you some very callous advice.

Cut ties. Keep the 100k and get yourself out of any caring responsibility for them in their old age.

DB can deal with them. His payment for doing all the old age care can be the rest of the inheritance.

You won't inherit anything more (probably) but you will have your home, you will get yourself out of this horrible family dynamic, and you will have 10+ years of not having to do all the old age/ end of life care that with narcissistic parents like these would no doubt be absolutely awful for you. (Plus I bet your brother is expecting you to do that.)

AdmiralButterfly · 26/06/2019 11:05

Not read whole thread but am appalled by your parents.

I would say no. I would also try to have something in writing saying this was a gift so they can’t turn round and say you always knew it was a loan.

If your db is giving back £100k they can use that to buy a holiday home. A one bed flat shouldn’t cost more than that - where do they want it?

Also if they are untrustworthy over this then you can’t trust they will leave it to you in their wills either. That said you are running the risk that they will decide to cut you out of will over this. But owning a house now versus possible inheritance later - I would take the bird in the hand.

Whosorrynow · 26/06/2019 11:07

You won't inherit anything more (probably) but you will have your home, you will get yourself out of this horrible family dynamic, and you will have 10+ years of not having to do all the old age/ end of life care that with narcissistic parents like these would no doubt be absolutely awful for you. (Plus I bet your brother is expecting you to do that.)
@Duchess what your present is without a doubt a win-win solution, but it can be difficult to completely overturn that gut instinct feeling of loyalty to parents which we tend to have even if they do treat us badly

DarcyDrive · 26/06/2019 11:08

JustGettingStarted Thanks, the law was definitely on their side unfortunately. It's so frustrating when you know the truth, they know the truth, but they're getting away with lying about it!

Whosorrynow A good outcome eventually, but not without a lot of tears and heartache. Sad

Ihatehashtags · 26/06/2019 11:13

10 years ago???? And now they demand it back?! Absolutely no way! That is terrible behaviour for a parent

DuchessSybilVimes · 26/06/2019 11:17

I know it's easier said than done, who, absolutely. But sometimes having someone say it for you can be a good starting point at least.

Skybar60 · 26/06/2019 11:17

This reply has been deleted

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kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/06/2019 11:18

The money has been spent and you are not in a position to return it. Even if you did, where is the guarantee that it will pass to you in their will? Anything could happen in the meantime. Your parents do not sound trustworthy or have your best interests at heart. Stay put. They can’t make you sell.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/06/2019 11:18

I agree with Duchess above. Whatever you do you will be damned by them and your brother. They are unbelievably cruel and callous. Just no. There is no need to get into any sort of argument, be absolutely clear that you are making yourself homeless in order to fund their holiday lifestyle. It was a gift, they can't have it back.

One other thing, if you have no relationship with your brother, how do you know for sure that he's agreed to give the money back? They might be just saying that to pressure you. You have to stand your ground, this is shocking. Be brave and strong OP Flowers

pepperpot99 · 26/06/2019 11:38

prettybird is right, it stopped being an 'inheritance' the minute they gave it to you AS A GIFT.

Also, re: their crackpot idea about buying a holiday home in sunnier climes....have they thought about the implications of Brexit on rules relating to this? I doubt it.

TurquoiseDress · 26/06/2019 11:57

Just come across this thread

Wow that's unbelievable!

In your situation, you do not have the cash to hand to pay it back- in any case, it would involve selling your home to do it

It's up to your brother what he does, but it does sound a bit strange that he's just agreed like that, 100k is a huge amount of money

Whosorrynow · 26/06/2019 12:06

I hope the OP will take the @DuchessSybilVimes solution and I also agree it seems unlikely that the brother did agree to repay the money ....I would want to fact check that

Hullaballooooo · 26/06/2019 12:38

So sorry OP, this really is a terrible situation for you.

If parents are willing to pay your rent.... how about suggesting that they pay rent for a holiday home instead?

Hope you're able to get some resolution that doesn't completely cost you your slightly tenuous family relationships here, even if they're massively damaged regardless

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/06/2019 13:09

Hope they are Daily Fail readers

They will be . . .

tomcatspray · 26/06/2019 14:34

@hennythehundredfootbird has it very neatly summed up and responded to

It's outrageous that your parents have even asked for the money back. Tell them to rent abroad and leave your house out of it.

Don't enter into any malarkey. No is simple, straightforward and non negotiable.

Hundredfootbird has given you several ways of emphasising no.

HigaDequasLuoff · 26/06/2019 15:06

Don't even consider giving the money back OP.

In order for the gift to qualify for the IHT thing it had to be a genuine gift, free of all expectation of any kind of return. Even coming with a "strings attached" (eg a promise to look after them in their old age) could jeopardise that status.

So, legally you owe them nothing.

Morally - it's equally clear cut.

I suggest the following on an email or letter:

"Dear Mum and Dad
I have been confused by your request as it seems clear to me (and everyone whose opinion I have sought to check I am not wrong) that no loving parent would genuinely expect their child to sacrifice their basic financial survival and put themselves in a position of poverty so that their parents could have a holiday home. I can only charitably assume that you don't understand what the impact would be on me if I had to give you a sum which is, for me, laughably unaffordable. I am glad that it is affordable for (brother) and hope this means that you can find a workable plan. I hope you can understand my position and do not allow the fact that I can't help you here to become an issue between us. It certainly seems clear that it would completely eradicate our relationship if I did try to help you with funds so far beyond my means that I ruined my financial stability permanently in the process. I am sure you wouldn't want that."

Nb their assertion that you'd get it back eventually is utterly wrong - the chances are it would be fully obliterated with nursing home fees and you'd be penniless permanently.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/06/2019 15:14

Buying abroad sounds like something one of their friends has done (probably a few years ago) and they don’t want to be outdone.

Or it is just another bad investment

Nofucksleft · 26/06/2019 17:31

What bizarre parents ...stay strong

LemonBreeland · 26/06/2019 17:34

OP just remember that if the relationship with your family is ruined it is not your fault. It is entirely the fault of your parents for being so utterly uncaring.

Fallingrain · 26/06/2019 17:38

This is really really odd. You don’t give money away to anyone (let alone your own child) that you expect to get back unless it’s absolutely clear that it is a loan. Do they understand what it would mean for you to lose your joke and security? I can’t quite get my head around a parent making a child lose that so that they can have a second house themselves.

bubblegumunicorn · 26/06/2019 17:41

I would tell them to ask your brother to buy them a second home! They can take the other 100k as a loan from him if he’s not willing to gift it to them! But if he buys it then it’s his and won’t be subject to inheritance tax down the road! And if he loans them the 100k he can charge them rent/mortgage payments on it till it’s paid off and you don’t loose out at all! Like you said he’s well off it could be a good investment for him anyway!

nuxe1984 · 26/06/2019 17:44

They don't need to take out a mortgage to raise funds. They have equity in their current house that they could draw on - and then pay it back when they die.

People do this all the time - own their house, don't want to move but need money to fund a holiday house, lifetime trip, live on …

Must admit, they sound a bit selfish as parents. Unless I was down to my last penny, I wouldn't do this to my DC.

NotStayingIn · 26/06/2019 17:44

I appreciate you’ve had lots of replies already and don’t need another but this one is just so bizarre I had to add my voice to the others.

YANBU! You made decisions based on having been GIVEN £100k. If it had been a loan, you would have made decisions based on that. The fact you now can’t pay them back is not your fault. Selling and renting instead will leave you worse off. You might well have found another way to buy (right to buy, shared ownership, buying with a friend, whatever) if you had never originally been given the money. But you’re now 10 years down a certain path - one they put you on. That can’t always be easily undone.

Tiredand · 26/06/2019 17:45

How old are they? £100K from Brother can buy a lot of holidays.

And given the European and UK economies right now, I'd not be buying a £200K house away from my normal country of residence.

Can you get DB to have a polite word with them.

Frankly they need to grow up (at their age). A gift is a gift.

Jebidee · 26/06/2019 17:46

Sorry if someone's already said this. If you have a mortgage the lender will gave insisted on something from your parents to confirm the money from them was a gift and not repayable. Either your solicitors or your mortgage brokers should have that so get a hold of it and then wave it at them. If they need money they can do an equity release on their home and then when they die what's left can be apportioned between you and your brother to reflect that he gave his money back and you didn't. If they argue go and see a solicitor, they're behaving appallingly.

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