To feel envious of people that can afford holidays?

[Ella1980]

I'm a full-time TA and my fiancé works in social care ft. Just feel so sad that we can't afford to take the kids away. Ex earns £105k+ pa so at least they'll get a holiday with him. Anybody else in a similar position? It just feels so unfair but I feel selfish for feeling jealous of not getting a break with the family 😢

I feel the same so will leave it there.

That's the point, you can't control a narcissist!!!

You can control your reactions and your emotions.

You can choose to stop being so unhealthily obsessed with your Ex and his payslip.

It's about control of you and your reactions - you can take that back, many of us on this thread have done it. Honestly, please engage with resources that will help you do that, and stay engaged. It's a long journey, but you can do it. You found the strength to leave - you can find the strength for the rest.

And stop worrying about holidays.

Ella1980, do you see yourself as part of the problem, or do you honestly think everything is your ex's fault?

You also need to understand that finding a voice may not be the ultimate aim. It's detachment that is the goal. Finding your voice vs a narc isn't always possible or healthy. But disengagement is.

Yes because it's reasonable he doesn't have to pay maintenance of any description on his salary because he wanted 50:50 knowing this full well to be the case. It's OK he left me homeless and without even a photo of my own babies. Honestly, I'm cool with it.
We'll agree to disagree.

Wow! I've just come back to this thread and I have to say op, you've lost pretty much all of my sympathy.

I assumed (wrongly), based on your OP that you couldn't afford a nice holiday and just wanted a moan/rant.
I completely get what that feels like as a lp and ds father being dead. Struggling for what other people manage to have/do (seemingly) with ease. It's not a nice feeling.

Instead the truth of it is that you could, with your significant savings, but you're choosing not to, which is fine but boohooing about how hard done by you are is hilarious when coupled with your previous posts.
You're not broke 😂

It would seem that your pity party for 1 has backfired on you 🎉😭

@ssd Do you think I should have stayed?

Honestly, I'm cool with it.

Clearly!

Honestly OP, if you keep refusing any responsibility, if you keep shifting blame, if you keep up this self-centered pity charade then you're coming across every inch the narcissist you accuse your ExH of being.

Honestly OP none of what he did to you is OK. Nobody, literally nobody is saying it is. But you have a choice - wallow in self-pity, or get on with owning your own life. Choose the latter. It's a much happier place to be.

ssd is not saying you should have stayed at all. She's saying you are part of the problem because you aren't taking responsibility for your life after leaving. Just seeing yourself as a helpless victim with no ability to change your response to his behaviour.

Actually starting completely without anything to where we are now I think I've done ok. I'm sorry I find it hard at times.

So why can't you get more work?

It's OK he left me homeless and without even a photo of my own babies

Who the fuck said that? You need to stop imaging what people have written and instead actually read the posts.

Spend your savings on sorting your head out, your obsession with being a victim is unhealthy.

It's OK to find it hard. Like I said, you've done some amazing things to get where you are. You just need to find the strength to do more to secure your future happiness, and that of your DCs. You have that strength in you, believe in yourself a bit more.

Read this book if you haven't already

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&crid=1SU5JDZ3TQTIM&keywords=lundy+bancroft+why+does+he+do+that&sprefix=Lundy%2Caps%2C136&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1561658398&sr=8-1

And google grey rock technique. It really, truly helps.

starting completely without anything

Apart from the thousands of pounds he gave you and your earning potential as a teacher?

Many, many abused women are really are left with absolutely nothing and if they've been a SAHM they have no career with very little or limited earning potential.

You have two sons, thousands in the bank, are in a private rental but looking to buy your own home, you're a qualified teacher, have been on camping holidays, have a job you love and you're engaged to your fiance.

Lots of people would say you have very little to be envious about.

Fed up with people suggesting things I've already actioned time and time again

Like all the camping holidays people have suggested, you actioned that.

You asked AIBU to be envious of people having a holiday? Yes, YABU. Because you had one. That’s what I can’t get over, you do have things and opportunities but you want more.

To all the other stuff with your ex, how do you think other people in life get on? Do you think we are all sat here bemoaning other peoples things that we want and can’t have, do nothing to help ourselves and wait for 5 bedroom houses and luxury holidays to fall in our laps?

OP, at the very least, engage with @TheBossOfMe who probably remains the only MN poster with any sympathy left!

Boss clearly has experience and is really kindly trying to help you help yourself.

Honestly OP, I really do feel for you. One thing I've learned from MN is that for everything any of us go through, there is someone on here who has been through something similar, and is there to help. You just have to start with a dose of honesty - MN can help you find the rest.

Start another thread asking how you can learn to disengage from your abusive ex. You'll get a very different response from people.

Fuck me, I’m glad you don’t teach as your outlook and twisting of everything is awful. You have £1000s in the bank for this maybe never house, I’m pretty sure you can find a mortgage that’s affordable.
Get a grip of your bitterness and make a life for you and your DC, you must be a nightmare to live with.
Living in poverty with ££ in the bank, bloody loon.

But you didn't leave with nothing,you left with 'substantial savings' from the property?

Ella, only you know what your life was when you were married to your ex. But it sounds like you planned to take revenge, divorce him, get plenty of money, have custody of the children, a big sum in maintenance that would mean being able to work a well paid job and still have a nice lifestyle. Sadly it backfired with the decision of the judge.

You seem to live on the resentment you feel for not having got what you wanted. But really you should be proud of yourself. You are working FT, helping children in need, you are being an excellent role model to your children. So you don't have much money but you have a partner who you seem happy with who doesnt control you, and you have your children one ween and then a week to enjoy life as a couple or for yourself.

You need to forget about your ex. His life is his to live. You don't regret divorcing him, so look at tour life and take all the riches from IT. I bet there are parents of the children you help everyday who go home and praise you for the care you give those children. Isn't that priceless?

@BarrenFieldofFucks No, just with the clothes on my back. The day I left he changed locks on family home, went to son's primary to collect without my knowledge and took son for seven days, refused to tell me their whereabouts. It almost broke me as I thought he'd hurt him. Police couldn't help me as he is father. 3 yo was with me and asking where his big brother had gone.
Then 3 months of me having one son only if he had the other. Luckily courts (when we got a date to attend) recognised at least that wasn't in their best interests. Decided they would not be split as per request of ex.
He then contested my divorce petition citing the marriage hadn't irretrievably broken down. Only got settlement 5 years later.

@Bookworm4 It's not enough to get a mortgage. And we don't earn enough to be offered one on deposit alone. Hence why we rent at cost of £900 pm. Unless you are mortgage advisor who can suggest otherwise?