To feel envious of people that can afford holidays?

[Ella1980]

I'm a full-time TA and my fiancé works in social care ft. Just feel so sad that we can't afford to take the kids away. Ex earns £105k+ pa so at least they'll get a holiday with him. Anybody else in a similar position? It just feels so unfair but I feel selfish for feeling jealous of not getting a break with the family 😢

I don't, but you don't know what I have been through in my life either.

And is abusive language necessary?

We seen to have got away from the original issue here which is that you 'could' afford a holiday. You choose not to because you're saving the money for something else. Fair enough. But don't come on here and lie and then turn it all back on your ex's abuse, which I'm sure was horrific for you, but isn't really the point.

Your hate for your ex is taking over the thread. Basically you have money and time, you choose not to go on holiday. That’s your choice, own it.

I'm sorry if I didn't mention that I have savings that I can't touch as one day we will need to buy a house. Rent already at £900 pm so hopefully one day a mortgage will be less.

I'm sorry if I didn't mention that I have savings that I can't touch as one day we will need to buy a house.

To the detriment of your kids welfare. Do you think they're going to care when they're grown up that you have a house?

He suffers with extreme anxiety and OCD. He is currently finding it hard to even do simple tasks such as getting dressed.
We can't afford this but I've found a text on son's mobile saying dad is paying for an appt. Ex will try again to return to court no doubt, it will be about the tenth time!

You do have money for it, you choose not to.

I have had counselling but eldest is highly anxious again and I know that when he is seen (arranged by ex) it will be back to court yet again and ex will try to fight for more custody.

Your child needs counselling organised by you. Use your money.

My ex will again pay for the best lawyers while I'm left to self-represent

Use your house money for a lawyer. Once again, you're choosing not to.

It makes me so unwell it's scary for my family to witness.

But it's ok for your son to be unwell?

Your children are being failed massively, while you sit there with savings you're keeping for a house, wringing your hands and crying poor.

I hsve gone to court on numerous ocassions. Abuse (unless physical) not taken into account. Son is being seen.

It's like talking to a brick wall.

It is. Because like I have said, even if I go back to court again custody won't change!

GET A LAWYER

I'VE USED BARRISTERS BEFORE! THEY CAN'T CHANGE THE LAW!!!!

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I'm out.

There's 2 sides to every story.
Going by your erratic self absorbed posts here I can see why the judge gave 50/50. You don't seem able to make clear, sound choices and take responsibility for your self. It's all a blame game. And maybe your ex is the same. And the ones suffering through it all are your kids.

You’ve got money (in savings) but don’t have money.

Your ex takes the kids on holiday but wont fly? So they can’t be all that fancy.

You don’t want to work long hours, but you admit your ex does but still feel entitled to a chunk of his money. That he gets from working long hours.

Ex is a abusive but you want him to have the kids more, he has more money.

Ex is abusive so he should have the kids less.

There’s two sides to your own story nevermind the otherside from your ex.

I sympathise Op. A lot of people on here seem to think the court can get to the truth but my experience of the family court system is that it is grossly inadequate and my abusive ex has charmed cafcass time and again.

However, you do come acros as making lots of excuses why you can't improve your financial situation and the bitterness at your exH wealth is obvious. I would look into counselling to address that as it is so unhealthy.

Look at matched betting OP. You can start with £20 and just need to be super strict with yourself about it.
Also - camping. If you can save up a few hundred (from the matched betting) then you can get yourself a cheap camping kit. DS only gets camping holidays in UK due to our income but is so happy with that - he loves being in nature. We tend to camp near a beach and he has an amazing time.

@SmellMySmellbow she's been camping. She didn't like it.

How does your ex take them on flashy holidays if he can't fly? If he has a phobia that he's now passed to the son?

Lots of what you say doesn’t make sense.
This is probably the most frustrating thread I’ve read.
I feel desperately sorry for your DC who are caught up in all this.

How does your ex take them on flashy holidays if he can't fly?

That's just one hole in this sieve of a thread.

@Ginger1982 oh. But did the kids, more importantly?

SmellMySmellbow Yes, the kids went. OP also has thousands in the bank and doesn't need to do matched betting.

24hourcarerandhomeedder
I have literally no idea why you have posted on this thread.

OK assuming the OP is still reading.

OP your problem isn't that you can't go on holiday. Or even that you share care with an emotionally abusive arse. Your problem is you are stuck in a cycle of seeing yourself as a helpless victim, and make poor choices as a result. In no particular order, and by no means an exhaustive list:

Your choice of new partner is terrible. He's a financial leech, he doesn't share your financial priorities, and he is never going to make you happy, because you equate financial security with happiness (and there's nothing inherently wrong in doing that, so long as you tailor your life to that reality). So you need to kick him to the curb, or shift your priorities (I'd do the former rather than latter)

You prioritise a working life that gives you a freedom and time with your children that the vast majority of people don't enjoy. Which again is fine, but sits squarely at odds with you equating financial security with happiness. So you need to find a new job that might mean some compromises on time with your children, but will enable the things that you believe matter (holidays, own home)

You prioritise owning your own home over your mentally unwell child getting help. That is ridiculous, and means you allow your exH's abuse to impact on your child. Spend some money on getting him counselling.

You need to stop comparing your lifestyle to your exH's. Comparison is the thief of joy. The vast majority of divorced children live with significant differences in lifestyle across homes, get over it.

And, most of all, you need to get some counselling yourself on separating yourself from your exHs behaviour. He isn't going to change. The courts are unlikely to reverse the 50:50 arrangement. So you need to learn to detach and deal with it. Google grey rock technique. Read Lundy Bancroft. Do whatever it takes to take back control from him.

And most of all you need to boost your own self-esteem, and stop seeing parenting as being about material things. Being a good parent isn't about holidays, or owning a house. It's about providing an emotionally stable home where your children are supported and loved unconditionally. You did an amazing thing by leaving an abusive relationship. Build on that.