I've had an altercation at the school gate this morning and I'm shaken up!

[NotStrongYet]

I was on my way into school early. It's school photos day so those with siblings could arrive early for a sibling shoot. I parked up and got the kids out of the car and all of a sudden I heard the most awful shouting. It was a Mum, screaming aggressively at her kid. The daughter (maybe aged 7) had run away up the street next to the school. The mum left her little boy (aged 2 i would guess) on a grass verge and ran after her daughter. I couldn't actually see what was happening at this point but I could hear the mum screaming and the daughter crying. They then followed us up the path to school. The Mum was shouting "do you know what happens to kids like you that run off? People take them and kill them!!!" I was a few feet ahead with my 5 and 3 year old who were looking more and more worried by the stuff the lady was screaming. I carried on walking. The daughter then said "mum I don't want to go to school". The mum grabbed her by the arm and yanked her forward, before sliding her arm in between her daughters back and her school bag and dragging her along the full length of the playground by the bag. Her poor daughters legs were being dragged along the concrete. I said to the mum "I'm sorry but what your doing is really upsetting me". She said "this is a daily occurrence and the school know about it". She was almost hit by a car round there and every day she says she doesn't want to go to school" I said "I understand that, but what you're doing is wrong". She preceded to drag the child along the ground whilst shouting at her. I have told my daughters teacher and I've been assured this is going to be followed up. I'm shaking and not sure if I've done the right thing. It feels like I have. No child deserves to be treated like that, regardless of the circumstances.

I am genuinely curious as to what you thing she should have done, she pulled the child along by its back pack, not her arm or any other part of the body.

She grabbed the bag and pulled it upwards, knocking her daughter over and then dragged the bag along (her daughter was hanging from the school bag being dragged along the ground).

That's the best way I can describe it. In no way is this better than being dragged by an arm. It was horrendous to see.

The 2 year old had reigns on and was walking on one side of her whilst she dragged the older child on the other side.

@NotStrongYet sounds like a horrendous start to everyone's morning.
Whatever the reasons or excuses for the mum's behaviour I would contact SS. If the child and mother need help the more reports to SS the better.
For those posters criticising the OP for 'making it all about her' we've all thought of things we wished we'd said differently if we'd had time to think. Great thing, hindsight, isn't it?

You did the right thing.

I have been at breaking point with my DS' dangerous behaviour and I have had to restrain him in the school playground and on the walk to school, and I've had to hold his hand all the way to school against his will (i.e. he's pulling to get away). He either walks with me holding his arm tight, or if he stops walking I stop too and we are just late.

I have never dragged him along by his bag. Or his arm.

(and you'll be happy to hear that he is now on medication and doing a lot, lot better).

You did what you felt was right in reporting it as I'm sure most people would have done. I don't feel like you should have said anything to the mother, you don't know her, you were at the school so I would have just reported it and left it at that, sure follow up but don't gossip with neighbors about it.

I disagree. There's a huge difference between the 'ooooh, isn't she aweeeeeeeeeful' brand of gossip, and neighbours sharing information with a view to passing it onto the relevant authorities and seeking help for children who might potentially be at risk.

FGS the 'stay silent in the face of adversity' rhetoric being voiced on this thread is extremely depressing. It's far too reminiscent of the same kind of attitudes being commonplace about the #MeToo abuse victims daring to articulate their experiences, or the reporting of possible domestic violence being a terrible act because the man involved happened to be Boris Johnson.

Silence perpetuates - and to a degree is even complicit in - allowing these situations to continue and to fester. When are we going to break this misconception, confront unpleasant truths, and, (God forbid) actually deal with them?

What you said was fine, it’s upsetting to see this kind of thing

I would hope the mother gets better support now because you said something

I've seen this before at my DC school - a DM pulling a very slow and possibly school avoider across the new zebra crossing near the school and also a DM dragging a child who was crying and sulking and not wanting to go to school - not at the same time!

Not me but a friend of mine did say to the dragger - 'is there anything I can do to help?' and was roundly told off by the DM!

The first DM I think she had a DC who just didn't want to go to school but was also being slow etc... there wasn't any tears!

I myself have been the 'tears streaming down my face' toddler and 3-5 year old (abandonment issues due to my DF being asked to leave the family home as parents were separating and divorcing) and I was petrified my DM was going to leave me too.

I think in some cases (seen it with other kids) the children can be really difficult when it comes to going to school or putting themselves in a spot and refusing to move but you judging her won't have helped.

What ‘help’ and ‘understanding’ do social services actually provide in these situations?

Oh, I would have reported to the school to see if a greeter could be involved or other issues.

I am terrified by the amount of people attempting to justify or minimise the motherMs behaviour on this thread. It doesn’t matter what the background was. Her behaviour toward the child was abusive and completely unacceptable. Nothing gives anyone the right to scream at a child and physically drag them around.

And, lastly, it’s important the child knows other people thought it not right - goes for other situations like this

WitchesGlove - god knows what help social services provide? Is it an issue externally to do with going to school etc - bullying?

See my reasons in para above - due to abandonment.

I had a friend from 4 upwards who when we were out (not at school) used to plonk himself down in a park etc and refuse to move - no rhyme or reason to that either. BUT, his DF was an alcoholic and abused the DM by hitting her, the DM took ages to leave him. I honestly believe he was affected by DM/DF's relationship and it came out in him being stubborn towards his DM. Also he refused to eat a lot of foods and only would eat e.g. marmite sandwiches.

Not saying this is the case in this scenario.

Lots of social services/child support has been cut, CAHMS may help, unsure.

I am sure if was awful to witness. A child should not be dragged along, though having a school refuser myself who used to run off into the roads, I feel sorry for the DM, most mornings I would be at breaking point before we got to the yard, after hours of defiance to get dressed, eat breakfast, get shoes on then off on off on due to her screams about itchy feet.
I often felt like dragging her, I didn't though because I do love my DC and I don't need the added stress of reports to social services, I often came home sobbed in frustration and anger.

Cheby - so what about the DM I saw who was sort of dragging/pulling her child (actually quite gently) across the zebra crossing directly opposite the school - so her DD wouldn't get hit by a car - the DD had coverings on her legs but wouldn't walk across the road. DD probably approx 5-6 years old.

It looked like she didn't want her DD and other child with her to be late to school but also looked like the DD had had some sort of tantrum and was refusing to walk. You can't reason with them all the time.

I'm lucky - I have well behaved DC but sometimes if they won't walk and are too heavy to carry then yes I do drag them slightly as talking sensibly won't help one bit. I don't hurt them but what else am I supposed to do?!

OP, I posted a vaguely similar story here some time ago under a different username and got much the same response as you. Told off for not minding my own business, told off for what I said/did/didn't do/didn't say.

I was once that child, and no one stuck up for me. I wish someone had stepped in, but no one did.

This jumped out at me and that was my story too. I think that many people who don't have that kind of background don't understand what it's like. I suppose the word would be 'triggering'. I was shaking and hardly at my best or most diplomatic. So sue me. I know I did the right thing and I think you did too. Sure, you could probably have handled it 'better' or 'differently' or whatever, but you spoke up and did the best you could at that moment.

OP, you have done the right thing and the child is probably already on the school's radar. The mother clearly is at breaking point, not to excuse abusive behaviour, but nobody knows what is going on in her life. My child pushed me to breaking point when she was younger, after her father walked out on us, and the school gave me a lot of help and support to deal with the behaviour.

If the child is refusing to go to school then the LEA could be on her back threatening to take her to court, she could be at absolute rock bottom and desperate to get the child to school. NO it is no way to behave, clearly you should never drag a child along the ground and yes she needs help, and by people like you reporting what they see, then hopefully she will get it, so that her and the children can live a happy and safe life.

EmeraldShamrock - when you're rushing like I am - to catch train etc - and the DC (like mine do) know you have to get to work then yes DC can play up.

I'm fairly lucky that DN (neighbours) can at a pinch and will take DC to school as DH's schedule (banker) just can't... If he is off work (rare) yes. I also have my DM not far away who occasionally takes them to school - more as a treat for them. She does this once a week for me now which is nice as she then goes to the park with her dog and park has a cafe. DC are of course angels with her...

Christ no wonder so many kids have mental health problems! The number of people who think this is acceptable astounds me.

My kids have run off, they have not wanted to go to school, I’ve been at “breaking point” etc. But I’ve never resorted to dragging a child by a bag!

If this was a man dragging a woman the police would be called. But a grown woman dragging a child is ok???

Scary stuff.

You did the correct thing OP.

@TheCatThatDanced my DS has been like that from the age of 18 months but I promise you neither of us is alcoholic or abusive.

NotStrongYet please, please ignore the arsehole posters who are just here to have a go. AIBU attracts lots of them. You can't win with them, they just want to pick at you. It's pretty sad really.

You absolutely did the right thing. I agree with PPs who've suggested putting it in writing and including what your neighbour said.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

It wouldn't have been staying silent, she reported it to the school

I can't believe people are brushing this abusive behaviour off as a struggling mum. Even as the (young) parent of a child with extra needs who can be extremely difficult when we're out and about, I'd never treat my child like this. If she does this out of the house and doesn't care about people seeing what might she do behind closed doors?! OP, you did the right thing by speaking up at the time and telling the school.

Well done you, seriously well done 💐
Speaking up is the only way to prevent child abuse sometimes, children have died when people have witnessed abuse and don't speak up which is a bad nearly as the abuser.
Good on you