Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

My 4 year old grandson is very shy but pretty sure he always says please and thank you. Everyone has always said what nice manners he has. In fact he pulls other people up if they don’t use manners, so an 8 year old is very rude not to say please and thank you!
Make sure she practices her manners at home and it should become second nature to her, then she can make you proud!

My 4 year old grandson is very shy but pretty sure he always says please and thank you. Everyone has always said what nice manners he has. In fact he pulls other people up if they don’t use manners,

Not that shy then!

In fact he pulls other people up if they don’t use manners,

That's quite rude actually.

Leaving aside whether your DD was rude or not, I find it slightly odd that the Mother chose to criticise your DD’s manners to her 8 year old. She was essentially criticising her DD’s friend & she absolutely knew her DD would say it to your DD, who, in turn, would say it to you.

We have all had experience of different children over the years who have come to play or have been given lifts & the levels of manners vary hugely from my experience.

But I would not have dreamt of commenting on a particular child’s manners to my DD for the very reason that they would feel bad that I viewed their friend negatively but also that they would invariably repeat it & create just this scenario. Which has generated 18 pages of views on MN!

I would probably send a text “Hi —-, thank you for giving — a lift. I understand she neglected to thank you & you told your DD that was rude. I agree entirely & it certainly isn’t —‘s normal behaviour. She was remiss on this occasion.”

If another parent told my daughter she was rude, i would let the parent know that they've overstepped a red line. It is NOT up a another parent to school or criticise someone elses child! Full stop.
Anyone who thinks they have that right, I would like to know why.
We do get a lot of this in our school, and imo its usually parents who like to think they know more abour everything than anyone else.

The same situation arose with my daughter a year ago. I politely reminded the parent that I didn't appreciate them parenting my child without my permission. I asked them if they would be happy if I scolded their child for being rude, if they forgot to say please or thank you.
They completely agreed it was wrong of them. We are still good friends after a year.

The message here is, what gives any parent the right to school another parents child without permission!

I am not that picky or petty.

I'm decades older than 8yo ...and I am certain I've omitted "please" or "thank you" accidentally upon occasion

I think judgy moment mother needs to get a grip.

Her daughter was rude in telling OPs daughter that her equally rude mother had been discussing her perceived lack of manners.

"It just goes to show how standards have dropped with parents failing to insist that their child says please and thank you for all courtesies."
What absolute bollocks. I never, ever let my kids get away with not saying please or thank you in my presence. Not once. And do they still need constantly reminding? Yup. Because they are children and not robots. As for a 4yo never forgetting please and thank you and pulling people up if their manners are not up to scratch - how insufferable. Luckily in my experience such perfection tends to exist only in the imagination of adoring grandparents...

OK it maybe rude to the mum but the girl is only 8. 8yo forget and sometimes dont understand. I gave a friend and her DS (about 6 or 7yo) a lift home once and she thanked me as she got out. Her DS asked why she was saying thank you because I hadn't given her anything!

She is rude. Haven't you taught her any manners? Even my 2 year old can say please and thank you!

KnittingforMittens ha, come back when you have an 8yo!

It would be rude not to say please and thank you.

But who knows what really happened- it all sound third hand, and unverifiable.

Your daughter was rude

Christ alive, I wouldn't even notice if one of 8yo dds friends didn't thank me, for a lift.

@Ated

It just goes to show how standards have dropped with parents failing to insist that their child says please and thank you for all courtesies. They should know how to do that from at least 6, not 8.
Good manners cost nothing yet so many people wouldn't know good manners if it hit them on the head.*

Yes society seems very keen on drumming it into women to be nice, not be rude, don’t make a fuss. No wonder so many women end up with abusive men.

Her behavior was rude. Tell your daughter to say "Thank you" next time.

Tell your daughter to say "Thank you" next time.

Very helpful and specific advice. Did you think OP would teach her dd to say fuck off if you didn’t tell her how to say ‘Thank you’?

Please don’t make excuses for an already 8 year old. If she knew the Mum well enough to step into her car she knew her well enough to be able to show her appreciation and say thank you. If nothing else she could have said to her friend : “Please could you say thank you to your Mum/Mummy for giving me a lift”?

If your daughter is indeed this child with otherwise impeccable manners it should pose no problem for her to write a card along the lines of : So sorry I forgot to say thank for my lift. I really appreciate it. Please accept this flowers as my personal thank you

Jesus. I try to instil good manners but I have a 3 yo and 8 yo and they are obviously at very different stages! At age 2, I am constantly saying “now say please/thank you”, and at 8, unfortunately all excitement takes over. I know my son appreciates certain things (I.e. gifts) but there are times when he does not understand that he should say thank you...no reflection on the child or parent...just a part of growing up! If he receives gifts he automatically says thank you, but in his eyes a lift is a given considering all the driving to places that his DM (me) does. Give the child a break! Maybe thank the other mom and then you wouldn’t have to vent about your child coming across as rude....

I’m looking a bit askance at the people saying she’s “only” 8. And OP’s reasoning that:
was prob a bit unnerved not to be with me/ someone familiar

When did 8 become the new 3? At that age, I would probably expect your child to be able to display manners even when they’re away from you/ with a friend’s parents even if it’s the first time meeting them. And yes, that’s when first impressions are made on both sides, so if the parent was mean that first time, your child would probably decide she didn’t like him/her, and if your child is rude, then... she gets judged as rude. Do you think that others don’t form first impressions of your children? They do.

There comes an age when shyness/unfamiliarity isn’t an excuse for rudeness. “She’s just shy” is what you say when a four year old hides behind your legs and refuses to say hello. Doesn’t work at age 8 when she doesn’t say please or thank you.

That said, shyness can be a reason that it’s hard for kids to engage in small talk, and if the mother judged your daughter as being rude for not talking much, I would say YANBU.

For those saying 8 shouldn't be shy, what about autistic kids etc? My autistic 8 year old is very shy, until she's sure of people and situations. She's polite once she feels comfortable but hardly speaks till she is. Kids are like adults, some are extroverts and bounce into a room, all chatty like and others are introverts and creep in. Some are in the middle. Some very judgy mcjudgeys here.

She's is rude. I can't stand bad manners.

I’m with the camp that have said they wouldn’t even notice! Saying please if they ask for something or thank you if I give them something like a drink or a meal then yes, I would expect that and I would be mortified if my son didn’t say please or thanks in that situation but a kid getting out the car or me walking them home, it’s just not on my radar to expect the thank you and then think a child was ill mannered

If she got out the car and said nothing at all then I’d be raising my eyebrow but as long as she said bye it wouldn’t bother me and personally I don’t think she is rude

*: So sorry I forgot to say thank for my lift. I really appreciate it. Please accept this flowers as my personal thank you
*
I don't know a single 8 yr old who would speak this way

So sorry I forgot to say thank for my lift. I really appreciate it. Please accept this flowers as my personal thank you

Hmm, a child of 8 writing a card like this? I would think they were being sarcastic. Especially as by then I would have forgotten about it, even if I had thought her a little bit rude at the time like that mum did.