Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

It was rude and there are some very polite 8 year olds but then some feel so shy and awkward that even at 14 I’ve found myself grumbling at the lack of manners.

Yup rude, perhaps let your dd know and then if there is a next time she knows how to say thanks. It goes a long way

I burp loud but I only do it when I'm home with family, never in public.And it's loud and we laugh,it's just the way we are🤣
My son had his best best friend over,they about 10,and I burped.I said excuse me and his friend looked shocked.I asked if his mother ever burps and he said "No,she has manners".
I almost wet my pants because laughed so hard.I of course called his mom and she was so embarrassed but laughed too bc she burps just like me!The boys/men are now sophomores in college and I still giggle at that story.Btw,they have been friends since they were 4 yrs old.

@interestingdays
If this situation is really bothering you then kindly and calmly reach out to the mom.But honestly,everyone has probably forgotten about it but you.I don't say that to be rude,I say that bc that's exactly what I do.Even with mine being 19,17 and 15.
Do what feels right,but there will be many more things that will come up so "pick your battles".And continue to love your sweet girl,that matters more than anything else.❤

She is still very young, especially if she isn't used to getting rides. Use it as a teaching moment, op. Mum sounds ott though.

Just remind your daughter she needs to say please and thank you - simple. No point in losing sleep over it, for either you or your daughter.

Your DD has obviously let you down and perhaps 'embarrassed' you (sadly, kids don't always listen to the things we ask of them or all the things we want them to - we've all been there!) but I would use this as an opportunity to re-confirm why you expect her to use her P's and Q's and confirm that her behaviour in this case was rude and that you expect better of her. I'm sure this will be all that she needs to 'remember' to say thank you next time. It's just one of many lessons that she'll learn - she's only 8 :)

What? Of course she was rude. I would call my own daughter out for being rude if she forgot to say thanks and she’s a lot younger than yours. In this instance, she was rude. Yes, your daughter may generally be polite but that time she was not. She was rude. Just make sure she says thank you next time!

My DD1 is extremely introverted and shy and wouldn't say thank you if she was given a lift. She won't confidently speak to anyone except myself, her Dad and my mum. I go out of my way to make sure that other people don't have to give her lifts partly because it would make her very anxious but also because I know that everyone else would judge her as being rude!!!

You are exactly right!!

Your daughter WAS rude! 8 isn’t too young to be able to say please and thank you.

It just goes to show how standards have dropped with parents failing to insist that their child says please and thank you for all courtesies. They should know how to do that from at least 6, not 8.
Good manners cost nothing yet so many people wouldn't know good manners if it hit them on the head.

@Ated sometimes it's not as simple as that!

Haven't read the thread.

I wouldn't notice or care whether an 8-year-old said thank-you for a lift.

A lift given to an 8-year-old isn't a favour to her, it's a favour to whatever adult is responsible for her. So I disagree with all the people who think the 8-year-old was rude. It's not her job to get herself around, therefore nothing was being done for her.

At 8, it is a borderline. Some children are still very shy and though she was offered a ride, she still is learning. Just do a little practice with her, but to brand a child of 8 in an odd situation as rude is also rude. I think if the mum said it to the child and it was repeated then she is also very rude and very passive aggressive to a 8 year old. We do favours not for please and thank yous but to be kind, helpful to others. Personally, I always thank people when they help with my kids as I have seen how they get out of the car. I do car shares and they don't always say please and thank you but I do get see you next week and good chat in the car.

don't call the mum, but recognise that she is not as nice as she may seem.

Of course she SHOULD have said thank you. But I think some people are being a bit harsh here. She is 8, not 18.

It’s possible that on this one occasion she forgot. Perhaps she was preoccupied with not wanting to forget her bag, or had something on her mind, was worried about homework etc. Who knows.

If it happened more than once then fair enough but aren’t we all allowed a rare mistake?

Maybe not on MN!

Either way though, I don’t think you need get involved. Except maybe to say to the other mum “so sorry that on this occasion she forgot to say thank you. We make sure she knows her manners and so I’m sure it was a one off. I am certainly very grateful that you gave her a lift”

Wow what a bunch of harpies on here, this child is 8, 8 years old, still very young and there's every chance she has great manners but felt shy/overwhelmed/focused on collecting her belongings. To judge a child the way some have makes you truly sick and stupid people.

Wow what a bunch of harpies on here, this child is 8, 8 years old, still very young and there's every chance she has great manners but felt shy/overwhelmed/focused on collecting her belongings. To judge a child the way some have makes you truly sick and stupid people.

Indeed. This thread had become a lot more reasoned after the first couple of pages but now the pearl clutchers are back out in force.

Get a grip and stop being so mean-spirited towards an 8 year old FFS.

When I give a lift to a friend of one of my DDs, I don't notice if they don't say thank you. I would notice if their mum or dad didn't thank me, though; now, that I would consider rude.

The exact same happened to me when I was a similar age on the way home from brownies. I was too a very shy child and just said bye. The child told me the next day that her parents think I was rude for not saying thanks for the lift and to make sure I say that next time. That was etched in my mind forever and they always got a thanks for the lift ever since, as did other lifts!

Wow. British women are weird! Or maybe mumsnet is full of harsh old dames.

I did wonder if it was a uniquely British (or maybe English?) thing to be this hung up on politeness. I'm 99% sure that none of my family and friends would judge this 8 year old so harshly. Why would you be bothered getting worked up about it? Especially if they're generally pleasant and well behaved.

An 8 year old, not a 14 year old. I wouldn't think she was rude. I think the mum branding her rude is slightly odd and lacking in empathy and intelligence.

Regardless of the reasons why OPs daughter didn't say thank you, I don't understand why the mother would tell her daughter that she thought her friend was rude. That's all kinds of odd that I'm too tired to go into and a bit crap.

I think some people are over thinking this aspect too. Perhsohs the child said ‘Mummy she didn’t say Thank you, that’s rude isn’t it’ and all the Mum said was ‘yes liove’ Without even giving it any thought or ordhaphs the Mum hasn’t actually said anything at all and the girl is just making assumptions/being a bit msuoerior’ as 8 year olds can be!

I also like manners but I would not judge an 8 year old child who did not thank me for a lift. I would assume they were a bit over awed or forgot or whatever. No biggy - it would take a lot more than one missing thank you for me to label such a young child rude! But just leave it though - nothing to be gained by texting the mum.

Don’t worry about it. Yes she should have said please and thank you but she obviously forgot. This is not the end of the world and I think the mother was rude because even if she thought it was bad, she shouldn’t have mentioned it to her child.