Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

Depends, really. If I had a child over and she was pleasant and polite generally but forgot to thank me for a lift, I wouldn’t care. Sounds like a massive deal is being made out of nothing - especially since they apparently dont really know her... Unless she was actively being rude (eg tone of voice etc), I would wait to get to know her better before calling her rude.

... in fact i once had a visiting 8 yo tell me that she couldn’t believe how small my house was, i just laughed, she’s 8 fgs, no way would i have embarrassed her or her parents by making a whole thing out of it 😂 they’ll learn eventually

To me an adult making a guest feel uncomfortable is far ruder than a child momentarily forgetting their manners, being kind is much more important than being socially correct, and they’re not always the same thing

Wow. British women are weird! Or maybe mumsnet is full of harsh old dames.
An 8 year old does not have the same cognitive capacity as an adult and may not have realised to say thank you at that precise moment.
I am shocked by some of these replies.
Whatever happened to compassion.

No your not being unreasonable feeling cross that this may have happened but If you are so bothered just message, call or grab the mum in playground & ask what happened. It may be that the parents were having a conversation about their day & the journey came up then the 8yr old friend has over heard part of the conversation & related what she heard to your daughter.
Before posting all over here, or anywhere else, sort it like a grown up by talking to the other grown up in question then there are no mixed messages!

My thoughts exactly. If I heard something from a child I would clarify it with a grownup.

Ok. It is rude not to say please or thank you when being given a life BUT your child is 8 and maybe just preoccupied. If your child is polite generally then I think you can assume it was just a slip up. No major. Of course the other parent will perceive it as rude. Don't send a text and don't let it bother you. Just remind your kiddo to say please and thank you next time. Pah, the grown ups on this thread are mighty judgy of your child. This is how children learn.

Thoughtless, but not rude. Not saying please or thank you once doesn’t suddenly make someone rude overall. She was a bit thoughtless, I’d remind her to make sure she says thank you and please next time and move on, though I too would be upset at the judgement and gossiping. She’s an 8 year old who probably just got a bit preoccupied. Mountain out of a molehill IMO

She was rude? Maybe not always but on this occasion she was. Don’t take offence and just remind her that she must not forget her manners in future.

I think she was forgetful not rude. Maybe she was happy/excited/worried about something? Come on guys it’s an eight year old not Donald Trump getting out of a limo... and yes, before everyone gets clacking on their keyboards.... I teach my 6 year old to always say please and thank you ...... and 9.9999 times out of ten she does

My DD was also very shy at that age and found it hard to speak up.
It didn't mean she was rude and I'd have been really annoyed if she'd been branded as such.
Children need their confidence building not assumptions made by hard nosed adults that should know better.

Being forgetful to show appreciation IS rude! When someone goes in front of the queue because they were distracted and didn't pay atte nion to it, they are still rude.

The issue is why taking such offence as being it pointed out? We all forget at times, I have and my partner or kids will remind me that I'm rude. When they do, I don't go berserk telling them how dare they tell me that I'm rude. I just say they are right and apologise. End of.

Obviously, it is more polite to say thank you for a lift but I wouldn't take offence at all if an 8 year old forgot to say thank you. I consider my children are generally polite, in that they are never deliberately rude, but at that age there would still be a high likelihood of them forgetting to say thank you if I wasn't there to give a nudge.

I'm always pleasantly surprised when children (even 13 year old friends of DD) actually say thank you unprompted.

Explain to the other woman your daughter can be shy sometimes - whilst handing over a thank you card from your daughter. Job done - don't let it upset you.

Also rude, in my opinion would be things like saying "urgh I hate that" when presented with food, "wow your telly's really tiny" , "I didn't really want to come round to your house". Or for example staring at a phone and ignoring you when you talk to them.

Most adults say thank you as a thoughtless reflex, so it doesn't really mean much anyway, so the lack of it is also fairly meaningless to me. Not sure why people set so much stock by it.

It is rude not to thank someone for a lift. The 8 year old may not be a generally rude child, but this one time she certainly displayed rude behaviour. That could and should be a mini lesson for the child, and the child's friend for either/both Mum to point out along the way. But both Mums need to relax with this standard message, they are only 8! If they aren't careful they will both be inadvertently teaching them how not to deal with conflict!!!

If DD got out the car perhaps said 'Bye' to her friend then a thank you could have followed. However children can have a bit of messing about when saying 'Bye' and your DD may well have been distracted when leaving the car. Wouldn't sweat about it but perhaps get daughter to apologise for being so remiss next time she sees the mother.

I personally wouldn’t be upset ‘she had been judged’ I’d be embarrassed she had not said thank you and it had been noted!
If manners are important to you then I’m a bit bemused by your reaction.
I’d just have a word to your daughter that next time someone gives her a lift she should thank them and leave it at that!

If I was the other mum I’d:
(A) be embarrassed that it had got back to you what I’d said about your rude daughter
(B) think you were bonkers for bringing it up with me!

She's 8! I thought the DD was going to be at least a teenager from the title.

Most 8 year olds forget/are too shy/are preoccupied with getting out of the car etc to say thanks. If they have been pleasant and generally polite and nice whilst in your company then it really doesn't matter if a kid of that age forgets to say thanks for a lift.

Mine is 7 and is generally very well mannered and polite, but I think I would have to remind him to say thanks in that situation. And I certainly don't think I have had thank yous from his friends after lifts up to now!

She’s 8! A parent should not be discussing another child’s etiquette with an 8 year old. This is how bullying starts.

The mother who offered the lift should have kept her mouth shut.

She's 8! Seriously! It's not a big deal at this age surely? Thanking a grown up for a lift I think comes with age. I don't think my children would think to thank anyone for a lift. Neither have their friends thanked me. Neither have I ever expected them to at this age!

FFS she's 8!!! So what she didn't say 'please' and 'thanks'!!! Some comments here are really nasty. People need to get this into perspective. Just remind your kid to be polite - it'll all blow over.

My just turned 9 year old is painfully shy and socially awkward, she would find that situation very stressful and would struggle to speak at all. Then she would realise later that she forgot and get upset and focus on that. Op She's only 8 it doesn't make her rude. for your dd

I’ve so many questions. But the most important are:

1. If your daughter didn’t know the mum why on earth was she getting in a vehicle with her?

1. Were you, or another adult, not there to meet her at the end of said lift? and prompt her to thank the mother or just give a quick thanks yourself?

She’s 8 at the end of the day it’s hardly the crime of the century and she probably didn’t realise. But nor is the crime of the century telling your daughter that her friend was a bit rude. She probably wasn’t expecting her daughter to repeated and would probably be a bit red faced reading this now.

Rude

Maybe you should say she didn't mean to be rude.