Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

Haven't RTFT but your message to the mum should just say "Thanks very much for giving Chloe a lift". And remind your daughter again to say thanks, that people who give her lifts are doing her a favour and putting themselves out, even if just by a tiny bit.

It's far ruder for the friend to try and make OPs daughter feel bad. Of course it's good manners to mind our p and q's but perhaps OPs DD was distracted/excited. Dismissing her as rude based on one interaction and then bitching to her daughter is rude of the other mum. (Who is an adult and should certainly know better).

I give an 8 year old neighbour a lift once a week. I'm not sure I recall whether she thanks me or not, but I don't find her demeanour rude. It's not something that occurs to me.

I'm careful about my own manners, thanking taxi drivers, bus drivers, cabin crew etc, but I don't look out for manners in others.

Please and Thank You are basic good manners.
There is no excuse, unless you have parents, who have not brought you up to understand good manners.

Some of my daughters friends don't say thank you they just say bye when getting out the car, some are painfully shy, I know these girls have manners, I certainly wouldn't say that to my daughter that one of her friends were rude for not saying thank you.

Of course she should have said thank you. Very rude

I've given many lifts to 8 year olds and I don't recall any of them thanking it. Their parents would thank me. The children would just say goodbye, whilst grabbing their bags/still chatting and otherwise being preoccupied. I'm absolutely fine with that. I certainly wouldn't tell my DS that his friends were rude. I wouldn't want any 8 year old feeling unwelcome or nervous to be given a lift or come to my house. Neither would I label a child as rude for doing something like that on a single occasion or criticize them to my child as children can be cruel and tell half the class what was said. Tbh, I would be tempted to send a text and just say that you understand that your daughter forgot to apologize for the lift, that you haven't brought her up that way and that you'll get her to thank them in person when she sees them next. That way you will not only be communicating that she is usually well mannered, but also letting them know that her comments have fed back to you!

This thread is crazy - she forgot at aged 8 to say thank you for something that she probably didn't even realise was a favour, it's not like she got out and flicked the v's

As the parents of 2 children who were both very grateful for lifts but really fucking shy when they were just 8 years old, your friend IBU to brand DD as rude.

As the adult, I recognise that some 8 year olds are more confident than others. Some are very nervous getting lifts with adults they don’t know well. 12 years of age is a totally different matter. THEN I woukd judge! (The parent, and not the child though)

I would also, by the way, judge EVERY adult on this thread who would assume rudeness in a child that doesn’t say thank you after a lift. You are the adult. Have a little think as to why an individual child may not have said thnanks, loads of people have given reasons already on this thread. Can’t believe some of you have had to have it pointed out to you.

Username

I whole heartedly agree with you!
Also, let's face it. Lifts are not usually given out of kindness. They are given in the hope of reciprocation, to make parents' lives easier.

Regardless of the reasons why OPs daughter didn't say thank you, I don't understand why the mother would tell her daughter that she thought her friend was rude. That's all kinds of odd that I'm too tired to go into and a bit crap.

You can express gratitude in your mannerisms without saying the word thank you, or maybe she was just concentrating on getting out of the car and forgot to say thank you one time.

Either way I couldn’t get upset about this. A child who was generally rude all the time then yes I would.

Oh meh. This thread is so British. All these expectations and fury about manners. Kids are kids! These things happen. Let’s all scream “but it was so rude” get over it. As long as they are generally nice and polite and not shouting/screaming/being disrespectful then the fact they actually said “bye” when they left is fine in my opinion. Don’t stress it OP and for gods sakes don’t start texting the other parent. Drop it and get over it.

At 8 is is perfectly fine for a parent to say thank you on behalf of the child.

They are young and may be preoccupied, shy, forget etc

As long as the parents said thank you that is all that matters at that age.

I'm sure my children have been rude from time to time, what child isn't? Of course if their parents pointed it out (not actually what has happened in this case) I'd feel a bit embarrassed but I'm not sure why people think that not saying thank you is not rude but thinking that rude is.

I very much hope that my children when young said thank you to people who did nice things for them (and driving them somewhere they want or need to go is a nice thing in my book). If I thought my child was super shy and they went to a friends house I'd tell their parents that they were shy before the visit/lift etc (ds had some behavioural issues at that age and I told everyone who looked after him so that they were forewarned).

I would expect an 8 year old to say 'thanks' to people who drive them, whether that's a bus driver or parent, it's behaviour I'd expect them to see everyday from their parents and should be pretty automatic.

Your are massively overreacting.
It hadn't occurred to your dd to thank for a lift, but now she knows. That is all.
It was something that grated a little with the other parent, rather thaN a massive indictment on your daughter and on your parenting. Let it go!

*It's always the narrow minded posters hurling criticism in all directions that flounce off in a strop when a tiny bit of it flies back in their direction!

Yes. Your narrow view of "manners" is all that's important. Who cares about compassion and kindness and just being a bit understanding to little kids. What's actually important is that the precise set of manners taught by hercules 30 years ago is replicated exactly in every child across the nation. NO deviation should be tolerated. Her parents taught her this way and anything else is acceptable.*

Just to be clear, I did not “flounce”. I got bored and went to sleep.

Who cares about kindness and compassion? Well, I do, actually. I also care about manners. This 8 year old isn’t to blame if she hasn’t been taught any (maybe she has and just forgot). I am addressing those people who don’t think an 8 year old has any reason to say thank you for a lift, not 8 year olds who forget.

And there was a very defensive reaction, that said everything, really.

OP, please don't worry. I am heavy on please and thank yous too, but in my experience 8 Ur olds are just too overcome by being with their friends and shyness to remember manners on a playdate. IMO your daughter shouldn't be judged. Ignore it me thinks after talking through good manners with your dUhhyet

She is an 8 year old girl, give her a break. I was painfully shy at that age & couldn't bring myself to speak sometimes if I didn't know the person that well. I know I came across as rude to some. I'm sure that this was a lesson for her & she will remember next time.

Lesson learnt and next time she will remember, this isn't going to scar her for life and making mistakes is the way we learn!

It doesn’t necessarily occur to an 8 year old that an adult giving them a lift is doing them a favour, so that needs to be explained to them by their parents.
Funny how when an OP gets an overwhelming YABU they go off the radar! Better to woman up and acknowledge the mistake, surely?

Hercule

So, we've established that she should have said thank you. What would you have done if you had been that other parent? How would you have handled it?

It is a bit rude to not say please or thank you for a lift.